I dont know where to start but hell lets just start anyway...
Ok I am cheating on my boyfriend. Well sort of. Umm... Its not that simple. Its the third time.
First one was a one night stand. It happened one and half years back. It was a good friend's boyfriend. I gave in. I cant say it just happened. We both were attracted to each other like magnets. He and I were great pals. He was fun, friendly and understood me well. He made me comfortable. I knew he liked me. He stayed and still stays nearby. A block away from me. He used to give me rides on his bike. We used to have a lot of fun, splashing in rain, making people mad.. It was all childish. Then oneday while watching movies at my place, it happened... The next day again he came and we could not resist.
I lost his friendship. I went away from their lives. Its an occasional and a very formal hi at the most if we happen to meet. Thats it. My friend does not know. She is married to him now. But he loves her a lot and takes really good care of her. Once we all used to meet everyday. We hung out together. Did everything together. Shopping, teasing, movies, parties, eating out . We spent some really good times. Its all past now.
It happened such a long time back that I just have a vague memory. It does not hurt anymore. I am done with the guilt, the shame , the sadness. At times I just sigh.
The second time that I cheated my boyfriend, it was a full fledged affair. Its the worst thing I ever did. I can never ever forgive myself for it. It was exactly ten months back. We were in a long distance relationship that time as R (my boyfriend ) was away for six months. I was there to visit him. I spent all my money to afford us a holiday. Our first holiday. That perfect holiday. Then I ruined our week long memory by going out with his roomie : S. It was a month long thing.
I fell in love with S. I confessed everything to my boyfriend : R. I wanted to tell him about my one night stand too. I wanted him to hate me. I couldnt look at his loving eyes anymore. The only reason I hid that one was because I have no right to ruin anyone else's life or happiness. It should have shattered my friend and ruined her marriage. So yeah I just didnt want to do any more damage than I already did.
The confession crushed him. He was shattered. I wanted to leave him because I couldnt live with a lie. He said I was still his world. He cried. The first time in three years. He cried so much. He begged. I continued being the bitch. He slapped me hard. Again for the first time. My head span. Still it was better than seeing his tears roll down on the cheeks I had kissed so many times. He took me by the hand, made me sit on the bed. He knelt down before me, kept his head on my lap and took my hands. He said sorry for hitting me. I knew he was sorry. So was I.
He promised me it would work out. We would work it out. He would. The time for my return had come. I explained everything to S. He was ok with it. Sort of. So we cut off all ties. I came back home. I genuinely wanted to be with just R. So I tried hard. Please believe me I really tried. Once more. I still love him. But its not working.
Recently, well not so recently S contacted me again. Earlier I changed my no many times after found me out. But I cant go on doing that. I deleted all his mails. I did not respond. I wanted to erase him from my life. I could not do it. He came back. After many attempts , I weakened. My relationship with R at that time was withering. I know its the worst excuse. But there were and still are too many problems. The main thing , the financial problem took its toll on me. I wrote about it here too.
I know I should just go away from R's life if I cant be faithful to him. I just want to make sure that he will be ok before I go. I cant just leave. There are too many strings attached. I myself am not prepared too. He is blissfully unaware of everything going on. I dont have the strength to see him like that again. The pain in his eyes, the hurt in his voice.
Its my first real relationship. I know R from my school. We have the same friend circle. We hang out at the same places. We stay five mins from one another. I never wanted it to end. I do love him a lot but more as a friend now. He always was and still is my best friend.
