I've been doing alot of thinking the last few days. Even spoken with my ex some too.
The life I had growing up wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst either. It did give me what I wanted when I grew up. You know kids, they want this job or that car with that house.
Some wanted to change the world.
Not me.
I wanted a family. I didn't care about the car I drove, the home I lived in or even the job I had.
All I wanted was my wife with kids and a few really good friends across the country I could take them to visit on occasion. I had the wife, even the kids and friends.
It all came crashing down around me. About ten years ago. Lost everything that I had ever wanted, ever dreamed for.
Gone in the blink of an eye.
I remember that night. Too well if you were to ask.
I was gaming. Nothing unusual for us.
She wanted to go to bed. She did, and as I always tried to do, went to tuck her in, give her a kiss and tell her good night.
She wasn't even close for being 'ready for bed'. I knew something was wrong. I asked her.
She then gave me a piece of paper that she had written it all out.
She could not live the life I was forcing her into. She wanted, no, she needed, out.
I had not had a cigarette in a year. Almost to the day. It blew my mind. I literally did not know what to do, or say. It wouldn't have mattered either way. I don't remember the next couple of minutes. I know I said, or did something. What, I do not know.
I went back to gaming and lite a cigarette up and began smoking like I had never stopped.
We all sat there, then one of the guys looked at me and realized I was smoking. It freaked them out a bit, but I convinced them it was nothing and it was blown off.
I've smoked ever since.
I've tried on so many occasions to quit, I just can't.
Maybe it's the only thing from my childhood that I can still lay claim to. The only part I have any control over. I honestly don't know.
I've been pretty much single over the last ten years. If you were to see me it wouldn't be too suprising. I never thought I was ugly, but never thought I was good looking either. Age makes your body rot. Which mine has done quite a bit.
I remember the days before her as well. Days I knew who I was. I have not been me in nearly 20 years. I miss those days. I never really noticed it, but it would seem I was not me when I was with her.
She said a few things in our talks, that I really wish she hadn't. Things I really could have lived or died, without knowing.
I have a hatred for her so deep it hurts.
All the while, I dream that she wants to be with me. Literally and figuratively. I would give my soul for her.
I know it would never happen, it never can. I don't know if I would want it to. She is happy, she is in love. I cannot take that away from her. I hope, someday, I can forgive and forget.
Whether or not I live that long is another story in its own right.
She claims the kids love me unconditionally. In some light I can see that. In others, not so much. I have done so little when I want to do so much.
As they say, actions speak louder than words. And my actions tell them they are nothing.
Just as my father told me, I have told them.
I don't see how they could when they have a good role-model right in front of them. They call him dad. Although not 'daddy' which is supposed to have more meaning to it from what she says.
I just want it all to come to a complete and utter end. I have caused so much pain, taken so much. It is all I feel, all I know.
I know there are some of you who have turned it off, in some way. How?
I would rather live the rest of my days feeling nothing than live another minute with this.
I not only lost my family, I've lost all of my true friends.
Guess that's why they say life sucks and then you die.
Can I?