I had my first vocal reaction toward my ex husband after two years from our divorce.
You might say...honey, it took you so long?
Well, see, its a long story.
I did try to exchange with him my concerns and worries many times in the past. Concerns about his way of dealing (not dealing, better) with our daughter's extreme sensitiviness, neediness of him as father, longing to be still recognized as his first and only daughter for 10 long years (all her life, basically) and now being "forced" to be equalized to other two kids.
I did it thru emails.
It seemed a more neutral field for me because for a long time after the divorce i couldn't even stand the sound of his (still loved) voice and looking in his eyes was (still) a torture for me.
So i decided to write him extremely detailed, polite, reasonable emails but i couldn't avoid to be sharp and precise. And naturally since i was talking about truths he was refusing to hear and actions he was refusing to be sorry for his reaction didnt surprise me.
After some of them he finally threw in my face the List of His Holy Priorities (exactly in this order):
God
His new wife (new boobs included)
His 3 children (all of them, no favoritism)
work
And please, he added, stay the fuck out of my life.
I was asking him to understand how hurt his daughter was and how rejected she was feeling. He just couldnt get it.
So i had to to force him to go to counseling with her, thru my lawyer.
Only after 10 meetings she accepted to finally see his new family (so much she was resisting the idea).
While exchanging these emails, his new bimbo-wife one day wrote me that i had to stop "harrassing " him, that he was a wonderful father and husband, that i had never understood him and i was basically a jealous, controlling bitch.
I wrote her back telling no to dare to read my private emails to my ex anymore and never, ever write to me again.
If she would have done i wouldn't even take the time to read her junk.
She evidently went boo-booing to him.
So he wrote me telling he was the one letting her reading our emails. So face it.
I stopped emailing him about our daughter. It was clearly useless.
I stopped trying to make him understand.
I just couldn't deal with his shit.
i felt hurt in my pride too.
I disappeared.
My only form of communication since that moment has been quick txt messages. Rare strictly business-like emails about our daughter's expenses that he is always late to pay me back.
There was no point to talk with somebody who had denied me voice and importance.
When he rarely calls my home phone number i dont even pick up.
I call her and she picks up the phone. I know he is not calling me for sure.
But i also bought her a cell so they can talk more freely. I did for her, not for him.
But this week end I had to let my steam out .
Vocally.
Friday he was supposed to pick her up at 4pm.
At 5:45 he wasn't here yet. She was ready by two hours. And asking where he was.
So I text messaged him asking when he would have showed up and that it would have been polite to alert me in time of any changes. I have a life too, you see.
He didnt' have the courtesy to text message me back and at least saying he was sorry to be late but he called her telling he wasnt coming at all.
I could see her sad face while she was pretending everything was ok.
So i told her "Pass me the phone".
I heard he wasn't happy to talk with me.
He gave me the same standard set of excuses he had been giving me for years while we were married: late at work, didnt see it was too late, i thought i had to pick her up later, i am working here not having fun.
How many times you can hear the same thing?
I cut him short.
I told him to come to pick her up after work then. He said it would have been too late (9pm is too late for him now....the same guy who would have showed at home past midnight on week nights telling he had been working all that time? Smelling of beer....btw....)
I said, she is ok with that. Its not too late.
How more could i still be accomodating?
But i also told him: do you ever consider i might have had plans for this evening since you had to pick her up in the afternoon?
He said, it will be too late for me driving there and then home.
I said , I didn't choose to build my new home in the middle of nowhere far from my daughter's place, like you did. Now you have face the consequences. She has no fault.
And then it arrived........BUT I AM WORKING!
Ah, the magic word.
And i leashed out "And i have a life too, a life that doesnt revolve anymore around yours"
He didn't bulge. Fine, he said, i will call a friend to pick her up. She will sleep at his home and tomorrow he will bring her to my home.
No way. She doesn't go anywhere, sleeping in other people homes. She will stay here and you come to pick her up tomorrow. 9:45 sharp.
And i hung up.
I felt so good.
I felt so sad
It felt so pointless, and sad.
When i went to her room my daughter was crying.
She said she was feeling like her father didn't care about her to the point of driving few miles more to stay with her, she said she didn't feel wanted in their home, she said.....she said so many things that broke my heart.
I told her that her father loved her very much, that he had been having this kind of behavior regardless the who and the when, that when he works he forgets time and everything, that i never liked it either.
I wiped her tears and i did what any mom would have done.
I brought her shopping for a new pair of shoes.
When we were driving back home she held my hand and told me "Thank you, mom. I do feel better. Its not for the shoes (that are cool, btw) but because you showed me you care for me and you tried to distract me".
Shoes are good. We like shoes.
Sometimes anything is good to wipe tears from you kid's cheeks.
Sometimes I still hate my ex.
Still, i cant say i had purified my heart from the anger and the resentment.
I sometimes simply have to feel this hate.....for him, for having left us, for having changed my life, for his new wife, new home, new life, new friends....everything is new, new, new for him........while i am still stuck in this old feelings.
i know its bad for me.
i know i have to clean myself from these bad feelings.
But sometimes its just good to hate him.
Its good.....after buying a pair of shoes, imagining to walk all over him.
Do you still have bad feelings toward your ex?
