I have heard so often that one should treat a person the way one wants to be treated. Now I am, or rather was a believer of that. I treated people good. I was brought up that way. I do occassionally bitch about other people (mostly those who bitched about me first!) and I really don't think that makes me a bad person. Anyway, it is wandering in my head that in the past, I have treated people who meant something in my life very well. One of my ex-bf, he was something. Trying to find the perfect word to describe him...
Fucked up asshole. That's the word. Really. I treated him really well. His friends could see that and so did my family and friends. I didn't know he was such a fucked up individual. When I think back, I couldn't believe I got myself involved with him.
We dated for about a year. At that time, that was my longest relationship. I was 20, I think. Came over a lot and had lunch/dinner with us. Sometimes, when came over - he wouldn't even greet my parents! Now, in any culture, I think it is very important for you to respect the elderly but no, not him. The thing about him that I come to realised (back then) is that he thinks he's so fucking great. Well, he actually wasn't and I think still isn't. He was mostly jobless during the time we were dating. Had a free-lance IT shit or something. Not a full time job. He would call me up and accused me of going out with other guys (heaven knows where he got the info from!) and called me names. There was this one time he tried to hit me when we were at my brother's office. Of course my brother was not around. At that time, it was somewhere around 9th month of our relationship and I couldn't take it anymore and I actually had the courage to stand up for myself and told him off. I seriously who have given him a good punch in the face if he did hit me.
Even with all those things happening, I still treated him well. Why? Because I was stupid. Oh and also, did I mention he was mentally abusive? That he would use this psychological shit on me and play mind games? Yeah, he would say things like "No one wants you... only I can put up with your attitude etc". I was thinking... dude, it's the other way around!!! Bastard! So after a month or so, I found out that he was seeing his ex behind my back - the whole time. Yeah. The cheesecakes that he used to bring over, it was baked by his ex. Well, he told me and my parents he baked them. And when he wanted his ex to bake them, he told her it's for his sister. Now, this is all wayyyy in the past but something I read on a forum just brought it all up in my head now.
I have so many things I want to write but everything in my head is just running around wildly. I just can't believe that I treated this guy well, fed him... supported him and in return, he was seeing his ex (to top that, his ex would call me every other day to check if i was with him or not AND would also call me names!) and treated me like some piece of garbage.
So with that experience, I just don't believe what I have bolded above. I have lost faith in that saying. I do still treat people well, of course but I just refrain myself and I have these walls built up around me. It took a long time for me to break those walls down for my bf and even if the walls are slowly breaking apart, I try hard not to let it break all the way down. I hate this feeling, really. I want to be the person I used to. Go all out and just take the risk (pretty much doing that now!) but again, I refrain myself. I feel at the same time, I am hurting these people around me that I care about very much. Gee whizz... I think I am ranting now.. well, enough for now. I should be packing....
