I don't remember having this problem when I lived in my own country. If I went to visit friends in their homes, there were always subtle signs that told me it was time to go home. A yawn, a stretch, a glance at the clock... one guest leaves, and everyone else follows suit in rapid succession... the evening ends quickly.
In Mexico, it wasn't a problem either. People stayed up forever, and I usually pooped out and went home before anyone else.
But since I've come to Europe, I feel a certain level of discomfort with knowing how late it's acceptable to stay. Most of the time, I'm having such a good time, that I don't particularly feel like leaving, but I'm aware that my hosts have to get up and go to work in the morning. They don't share my luxury of being able to sleep in. So, I start getting nervous around 10 o'clock, even if I only got there at 8. And I try to find a graceful way to excuse myself, profusely thanking them for their hospitality. Just trying to be considerate. But then, sometimes, I feel like I've left too early, and maybe insulted their hospitality. Ate and ran, so to speak. But I just can't seem to pick up on the signs. And if people are protesting my leavetaking, are they just doing so to be polite?
Even in my own home, I guess I assume that my presence is something to be tolerated... something no one wants to much of. Case in point... the other day, Pegleg and Sinbad called me into their room to see a video on the computer... a funny Polish video about a driving school (for dumb blondes.. blondinki) on a Slovak version of YouTube. We had some laughs over it, and then watched a bunch more videos, one stupider than the next, but it was fun to hang out with them. And we were chatting about my need to learn Czech, and Sinbad suggested that I could learn by playing video games with Pegleg and help him with his English. I agreed that it was a good idea (I'm not sure, though, if Pegleg was paying attention or caught on to what we were talking about... he was busy steering the computer).
Then, it seemed that we got to the end of the page of videos on the screen, and though I didn't really feel like leaving, there was enough of a lull (maybe a second or two), that I was compelled to jump to my feet and thank them for the show, retreating to my half of the apartment.
And then, I wondered if I had just given them the impression that I didn't want to hang out with them. As some of you know, this is a recurring theme in my life that I'm trying to work on.
But the fact remains that sometimes, I feel like I've overstayed my welcome, and other times, I feel like I've jumped ship early. It never seems to work out just right. Do you ever struggle with these issues? Any insights or suggestions for me?
kruuyai posted on Aug 17, 2007
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Comments
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queenparanoia said on Aug 17, 2007....
ohh a tough one... maybe you should tell them youre sleepy or something? -
beyondtheveil said on Aug 17, 2007....
This is a tough one, kruu, and there isn't a simple answer. There are variables such as how well do you know them, are you close to them, the type of get together, and how many in attendance for you to pick up on clues to name a few.
I'm usually not one to stay late, but that also has variables. The only general rule I go by is better to be known as an early leaver than one that lingers too long. It bothers me more to possibly be unwanted in the late hours than one that leaves too early.
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moonstone said on Aug 17, 2007....
I find myself always leaving places early because I'd rather leave on my own, than be asked to leave. But that's just me! Even with phone conversations, I'm always the one saying I have to go, because I hate it when they say it first! lol I don't know why that is. But I think that generally if someone protests your leaving, that means they really don't want you to go. If you say, 'it's late, I better get going!' and they just look at the clock and say, 'yeah........' that means it's time! lol
One way to possibly judge the situation is to not announce that you're leaving. Maybe say to someone, 'wow, it's late........do you guys want to sleep?' And if they say no, then you're probably good to stay longer. If they say yes, then it's time to go! I tend to joke about it by asking if they're sick of me yet or something. And I can usually tell by their reaction whether I'm onto something or not! lol
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secretlife said on Aug 17, 2007....
i agree with beyond here kruu- i'd rather leave early than feel like i'd overstayed my welcome. i think as you get to know people better, you have a better idea of how long to stay....only because you're more comfortable together. -
Actorguy said on Aug 17, 2007....
Boy are you guys party-poopers! Just kidding :-). To be honest, I'm usually the guy who looks around at the end of the night and says "Oh....is everybody gone?". But then I can't party on week nights because I have to go to work. On the week-ends I usually have to remind myself that just because 3am isn't late for me, it is for most. -
Imladris said on Aug 17, 2007....
I'm much the same, I usually go before everyone else because I don't want to outstay my welcome. I also feel like a bit of a spare part a lot of the time, most of my friends are married, and I think couples find it hard to know what to do with a single person, sometimes i feel i'm only invited because they think they ought to. I go b/c I'd never go out if i didn't :-) -
wakingharmony said on Aug 17, 2007....
That is a Tough One!! I always want the fun to never end but it must...Maybe when your invited and they say time to be there you can throw in oh sounds fun about how long were you thinking & Possibility that you may have to leave earlier...leaves door open for both -
mobil said on Aug 17, 2007....
People are people wherever you go Kru, I known there are different customs and traits, but we're all just folks.Let me tell you about my Dad's take on visiting other peoples homes. It's fantastic and I've used it all my life too.It goes like this;"Always come on time, bring a little more than your share and leave just a little early, You will always be welcomed back" -
kruuyai said on Aug 17, 2007....
queenie: No, no... it isn't that I'm looking for an excuse to leave. I'm just trying to find a way to tell if I'm staying too long... or even too short for that matter. Sometimes I leave just when it seems that things are getting going (even though I'd like to stay), just because of the hour or because I don't know how to read the signs.
beyond: It's true that all those variables are important, and I guess one of the problems is that, with my nomadic lifestyle, I don't have a lot of time to get to such a comfortable level with people to where I know what there preferences are... or their little codes for saying, "Hey, I think it's about time..." I'm with you, though... it's sometimes regrettable to leave too early, but it's embarrassing and humiliating to realize that you've stayed too late.
moonstone: I know what you mean. Whenever that person on the other end of the line says that they have to get going, no matter how nicely they say it, and no matter how legitimate their reason, it still feels like I've been chastised for talking too long. Talk about insecure! lol I like your idea about joking, but I guess it works best with people that you know pretty well.
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kruuyai said on Aug 17, 2007....
secret: That's true. It's mostly been a problem for me with people that I've known for only a short while (but in my case, lately, that's everyone I know!)
Actorguy: LOL... Your comment made me fondly remember my college days. I would always study until midnight on a Friday or Saturday night and then get to the parties just when people were getting more sociable. I'd still be there at four or five in the morning when there were just a handful of people left, and that was my favorite time to be there, because with the smaller group, you could actually get some one-on-one time with people. It was a much more intimate setting. But at my age, people don't party like that anymore.
Imladris: Yeah, hanging out with couples brings a whole new element to the thing (I'm single, too). And when I was in Poland, most of the friends who invited me to their houses were couples with children, and it was really, really hard to gauge when to leave, because they would usually serve me a fantastic meal, often late at night, and then it seems rude to get up and leave right away after eating, as if I only came for the food, but it's hard to know if they want to stay up later or not.
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kruuyai said on Aug 17, 2007....
waking: Now there's an idea... shrewd, very shrewd. I like it. :)
mobil: I like your dad's saying. I would add to that, don't show up early for social engagements. Especially for a party in someone's home. The hosts are still getting ready, and you're just going to be a nuisance. (That's the figurative you, by the way). ;-)
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wakingharmony said on Aug 17, 2007....
Every once in a while something pops in your head when someone else asks the question.....and you say to yourself........gezze why couldn't I have thought of that before. I think this is a good way to give, and get Ideas that most everyone has asked themselves, or will later on. -
kruuyai said on Aug 17, 2007....
waking: Yep, and I've always been a fan of the direct approach anyway (although it doesn't work in some of the cultures I've lived in, because no matter how straight you ask your question, you just aren't going to get a straight answer). -
quietone said on Aug 17, 2007....
well, got here a bit late, and seems you have some good feed back. I am an early exit person. fashionably late....fashionably early leaving? But I hope your aren't leaving here!! -
kruuyai said on Aug 17, 2007....
quiet: No, no, silly girl? Have you not noticed how much time I spend on here? Whatever would I do with my life if I left here? lol -
the_infernal_optimist said on Aug 17, 2007....
I tend to arrive very close to on time (but not early), do my best to pry myself away from walls and corners, and leave once I see a few others making their own exits (baa).
~Infernal
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one_wired_kitty said on Aug 17, 2007....
I usually excuse myself by blaming it on family or errands. -
dailyachesandpains said on Aug 17, 2007....
Kruu: hey there! First, aren't you supposed to be composing something for an announcement? Second, about this topic. When you're invited to a party, or just to come over, why don't you just ask from what time to what time? Or, "How long will this even go for?" "What time do you guys head to bed?" etc... {{{HUGS}}} Daily -
quietone said on Aug 17, 2007....
kruu ~ yes see that is why I am here so much too...practicing for my retirement!! LOL "hello welcome to SC" -
Suddenrain said on Aug 17, 2007....
I'm so hertmitzed, I rarely go anywhere anymore. But if I do, I arrive on time. Usually there is dinner,we eat and leave within a couple hours. Four hours at someones house is long enough for me and them I think. If things are going really well and everyone is still partying, I will stay an hour longer or so. But I feel 4 hours is long enough in my books, depending on the situation. -
botoni said on Aug 17, 2007....
Kruu.....Its sometimes a tough one choosing the right moment to leave. I like to err on the early side when it comes to departure. As to arrival....promptly a few minutes after expected....maximum 10 to 15. On the other hand I ve hosted a few parties that went enjoyably into the early morning hours and I ve thouroughly enjoyed them. Mobil gives good advice and Suddenrain gives good guidelines. -
hotaka said on Aug 18, 2007....
I have had the same problems. Sometimes, around 9 o'clock, the people I am visiting just start moving and getting up and say, "Well it's time to take Hotaka to the station," and I'll be thinking, "But we were having so much fun just now." Or I'll be looking at the clock, thinking I am getting sleepy or maybe hungry if it's nearly dinner time and I've been there since early afternoon but they will keep talking and offering me more tea or snacks. Sometimes I just have to say, "Well, this has been really fun. Thanks so much. I think I should probably let you guys get ready for bed now." If it's a good friend who is my age he or she will just say, "I'm really sorry but I have to get up early tomorrow. If you don't mind I have to get ready for bed."
Sometimes it's easy. But I agree that there are times when you wonder if you aren't staying too late or leaving too soon.
On a slightly different note, I found in Japan when I offer a present, people accept it but say "Oh, you didn't have to do that. But thank you so much." In China once, a young girl at a souvenir shop chatted with us and helped us and so K and I bought some pears and brought one for the girl. She refused to accept it and shook her head. I thought we had committed some cultural faux pas. She finally accepted but seemed to do so reluctantly and looked out at the street as if checking to see if anyone saw her receive the gift. I wonder if that was just the Chinese way to refuse so deliberately. On another occassion when I was in China by myself I spent a long afternoon talking with some young souvenir shop women who tried their best to use English with me while I attempted to exercise my menial Chinese with them. One girl and I chatted for a long time and I asked if she wanted to join me for dinner. She said yes but when dinner time came and I went to see her she said that she had already eaten. I was disappointed but realized later that it was probably not a good idea to have asked her to join me for dinner. Perhaps some people might have had the wrong idea and she could have been in trouble. I just wanted to express my gratitude for making my visit fun and interesting. There are things to learn in cultures all over.
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golddust said on Aug 18, 2007....
I think that is a good advise on the arrival time, botoni. You do not want the host to keep on waiting and get nervous if anyone is going to turn up at all. I like to be on time and if I have to be late, I will let the host know. I used to make my exit early but that was because my babies were so little. Now I can afford to stay later, and arranged a sitter to just stay over for the night... :) -
skald said on Aug 18, 2007....
Yes, I don't have an answer or solution for you. Funny all the signs you mentioned that you have a home we have too and of course when one leave all the others start to leave too. -
silverwhisper said on Aug 18, 2007....
honestly, when in doubt, i leave. it's depedent of course upon your awareness of their sleep/early morning needs--obviously, someone working an office job who's expected in the office by 8 requires more sleep time than a professor whose office hours begin at noon.
ed -
destinydiva said on Aug 18, 2007....
moonstone....im just getting to know you....but im questionning ...do i have another me on here that i forgot about????? lol
im kidding...what i mean is that monnstones answer was exactly how i would have wrote my answer had moonstone not already wrote exactly what i was gonna write!!!!! lol :-)
anywayszzzzzzzzz point is....... im very like monnstone when it comes to thought...
and ...oh yeah.....have i overstayed my welcome????? :-)
Destiny xxxx
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kruuyai said on Aug 19, 2007....
infernal: If you have to pry yourself out of the corners, perhaps they wouldn't even notice if you just stayed all night... even after they went to bed? lol.. that's the way I feel at big parties
owk: That's good, but it doesn't give them a chance to beg you to stay! :)
daily: Okay, okay, I'll get on it right after the concert today... I promise! That's a good idea, if I can casually sneak it into the conversation up front, I'll have a better idea. I wonder how many people would be willling to say. I used to do that though when I had open house style parties.... I'd send a written invitation, and it would say, open house 2 pm til midnight... the only problem with that was that people took it very literally, and even if things were going good, they'd all leave promptly at midnight...and my only intention in putting an ending time was just so that people wouldn't arrive after midnight when the party may have fizzled out and I'd already be in bed.
quiet: lol
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kruuyai said on Aug 19, 2007....
Sudden: That's a good rule of thumb. My problem is that I'm often invited over at such a late hour that it's already pretty late at night after only two hours!
botoni: Yeppers... kind of like that old adage.."always leave 'em wanting more!"
hotaka: It's always nice when people are direct. It is a little more uncomfortable when you're relying on someone else for transportation, but at least it takes the burden of responsibility off of you... lol. Thanks for the stories about China. It is hard to know what is and isn't acceptable in other cultures, especially cross gender.
golddust: That's a good point. I've hosted parties where the first guests arrived so late that I wasn't sure if anyone was going to show up, after I had gone to great length to prepare... and other parties where nobody did show up! But that's the subject of another post... lol
skald: Yes, i think some people are very skilled at giving those little signs. ;-)
silver: That's what I do, but I get the feeling that I just end up, many times, depriving my friends of the pleasure of my company. ;-)
destiny: Of course, you haven't overstayed your welcome! You just hang out here as long as you like. Would you like another drink? How about a little snack? = )
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silverwhisper said on Aug 19, 2007....
kruu: well then, perhaps next time they ought to arrange for the fun to begin earlier in the day! :D
ed -
kruuyai said on Aug 19, 2007....
ed: Haha... you tell 'em! :)