She called me at the phone.
I didn't immediately recognize her voice. Strange, I hated that voice so much in the past.
I hated her with every fiber of my body and soul. I hoped she would die.
Her voice brought back in a flash all those negative feelings.
But, after the surprise, i politely answered and told her "Yes, i can meet you".
She arrived punctal, as to a doctor's appoitnment. Same to the one i remembered, as no days had passed by since that day she crashed against my life and ripped my happiness like a ripe fruit.
Same long, unfeminine body. Same long face that made her look like Vanessa Redgrave. She knew it very well.......she made everybody well aware of that quite stunning similarity....I haven't been able to watch another movie with that actress without being reminded of her...
Same long, unshaped skirt, as to hide her body. Same blue eyes.
I did changed instead. In better. I shed pounds, i let my hair grow and change their color, i changed my style. But see, i had to change. I had to do it because she ripped that happiness from me and i had to react. So I did it changing my exteriority.
I should actually have thank her, dont you think so?
We sat down and asked for our drinks. The same ones. She smiled, timidly, at me while noticing it. I agreed to nod at her.
I kept my shades on. I wasn't ready to let her look in my eyes.She put hers down on the table. Around us people were drinking and talking and laughing. It was a warm beautiful summer afternoon. I was in vacation at home. I wondered how did she know i was back in Italy.
I had chosen the bar closest to my home. "You have to walk to come TO me. I will not move one inch more than necessary". I have thought at the phone.
And now she was there.
Ten years had passed by. What she could possibly want for me? Still?
I wasn't willing to make that meeting any easier for her. I was just there drinking my Aperol, nibbling on my olives. She was blabbering about the traffic, nervously moving her hands, complaining about how long she had hunted for a parking spot (good...).....I could feel her uneasiness....i didn't help her. I was tasting the revenge? You can say so, i guess....
I was waiting.
Then she launched the missile.
"I asked you to meet me because my psycoanalist told me so"
Yes, i always knew that blue eyes Redgrave look-alike had a long history of severe depression and emotional unbalance. Even before she landed heavily on my life.
When my (then) fiance' and I met her she had that small adoring circle of friends more than protective of her.....she was known around as the troubled one, the intellectual one, the very rich one.
i guess she played a lot with this character ..she was carrying herself enhancing all that romanticism connected to her condition. My fiance', unfortunately, was a wandering soul extremely susceptible to such darkness and broodiness. So he found her irresistible.
After 5 years together we had left behind the extreme intensity of our extremely intense passion. We had a lovestory worth of a book. He felt like he had found in me his soulmate, his Muse, his Thule. He intoxicated me with reference to Saffo, Pindaro, Goethe. But life dried up our romantic juices even though not our deep connection and love.
But time was ready for her to become his new inspiration.
She was in therapy already at that time. After they met and then eventually married, she even entered in some clinic once. One year his sister (with whom i had remained close friend) told me that she had attempted suicide.
I could have felt some compassion for her and for him, forced to be her nurse and her protector since then.
Sorry, I never did.
Guess the pain i had endured after he left me didn't allow me such noble feeling. And after life had mercy on me and gave me another chance to be happy she simply slipped in the back of my memory.
l had ultimately forgave him. I still meet him and we do feel still a bond together.
But she got simply deleted from my radar.
Until that day. She was again there, flesh and bone and voice and looks. In front of me.
"I reached a new level in my path to healing -. she was explaining to me - My doctor gave me as assignment to write a list of all the people i ever hurt in my life. i was myself suprised when i wrote your name. Actually, you were on top of my list. See, I talked about you several times with my therapist. Now i have to clean my conscious from the pain i inflicted you. And I came here to say "I am sorry" . And have your forgiviness back. Can you forgive me?"
The Aperol was gone. My olives too.
I was completely taken back by this twist.
I left her finish that speech.
I remember that while she was talking, constantly arranging her blonde hair behind her ears, i was thinking "Revenge is really a plate better ate cold. I have you down on your knee asking me to forgive you. Hell no, its too easy. I should forget that you made loose my sanity as well? All those sleepless nights crying and aching, physically aching for him so much was missing him?"
Its an amazing feeling knowing you have the power to heal or to destroy someone.
But the euphory of finally being recognized in the pain i had endured, finally recognized on my right of being angry and hurt by he same woman who didn't think twice of throwing me in misery started slowly to subsize.
Slowly another feeling was reaching the surface of my heart.
Compassion.
If i was agreeing to forgive her i would definetely see even the last wound closed and healed.
But point was, i didnt have any open wounds. Not anymore. She arrived too late.
So i thought: How forgiving her is going to help me?
I have already found my sanity again, all by myslef, i went alone to hell and back to earth, i fought and won all alone and had my life back.
No antidepressant pills, not shrink couch for me either.
Just blood and tears.
Still ......i thought i could do something good.
I could actually feel good about myself in forgiving her.
She was waiting for my answer.
I chose my words carefully.
"I think that if i tell you some of my life during my past 10 years you will see that there will not need for me to say that i forgive you".
So i told her that after he left me, i yes suffered like a dog but i then found the man i eventually married, and he gave me the best thing in my life, my daughter. And mad me happy like i have never been before. My life was fine, i told her. Dont you worry for me.
"I think this means that the pain you inflicted me has been replaced by happiness".
It was all i could tell her.
She smiled. I could feel she was relieved.
The tension fell off her face.
We ended up talking together for another 3 whole hours. We laughed too, we shared our experiences.
And then she asked me something that made feel even better.
"You know, he has never told me any details about your life together. Or how he was feeling for you after he left you. I asked him many times. Yet, he has always answered vaguely. I always felt like he is hiding something. Can you tell me more?"
I told her no. I can't. This is between you and him. I can't tell you something he has his own rights to be vague about it. Too many years are gone by, by the way.
I couldn't share with her too much, after all.
She got from me what she needed. I wasn't willing to open up again that box of pain and tears.
But strangely i felt a smile inside my heart.
It was exactly like in the last letter he wrote me..... it was true then.... he had truly kept his promise to hold me forever in the deepest part of his heart.
So i guess, agreeing in forgiving her she gave me back this unexpected gift....a closure from him.
She amazingly acted, totally unaware of it, as involuntary messanger of love between me and him.
I too had something to smile about when i told her goodbye.
Isn't life amazing?
