So after all that depressing self torture, I've decided to break it up with him and be on my own looking for the real thing. I did not answer the phone for a day (wow Zsuzsa, what self discipline there!) and yesterday I've decided to let him know that it is over.
I called him and I was as cool as a jellow about it. It came out so easy, so natural, even I was surprised. He wanted to talk about it and explane it again, but there was no need for ti. It is not it and that's it, right?
We've agreed that we are going to be friends, and I told him that because of my own decision to be with him, I did not look for other guys online, so now I really don't mind to just keep on hanging out together just so I won't be alone. He was fine with it, saying that he really likes me (Oh, Gee, thanks) and his friends like me, and that hanging out sounds like a good deal. We made plans for the night - a movie (did he read my comment about how I love the movies?) and we agreed that there will be no touching, no monkey buseniss.
The movie was grait, and we really did keep distance. We did.
Of course we started to talk about this whole thing on the way back home, and I even told him that the more he talks, the less I wanna be with him. It's just not working out.
I love everything else about it, but the whole sex thing, and the fact that he keeps telling me that he can't fall in love... Who would want to be with a man like that?
Our little talk turned into a friendly advice sesson from my side, telling him what he should change with other girls if he really doesn't want to hurt them. I basically told him what I would want to see from him, and what made me not want him.
I told him that sex was never a problem in any of my relationships, and that I really find it surprising.
Bottom line, the relationship turned into a friendly one, and since I really had to go to the bathroom I told him that he can come up and we can talk in a more comfortable situation.
So we did go upstairs as two friends.
About 20 minutes later we were on the bed, him kissing me, wanting -what else - sex.
There was still no blood, but now I really didn't want this anymore. I felt as if he was trying to show me that he is indeed a man, and that he does want and like sex. I felt as if I made him feel like he has to impress me, he has to break my back to be man enough.
But I didn't want forced sex. Not even if he made it look like it was comming from him.
I didn't want to open up what I found so hard to close down.
But who am I kidding here, all it took was about 5-10 minutes of seducing, and I was "open for buseniss".
The only thing that really bothered me was the fact that it is about THAT time of the month, and I would hate to find myself in the situation he was trying to avoid from the beginning. I asked him to wait at least untill I do get and finnish my period, or we figure it out why I still didn't get it yet ( oh yeah, pregnancy test was already waiting for me in the bathroom).
Long story short, we got into it, and it was beautifull. It was so much nier than the last couple of times , we both wanted to make it last longer.
Guess what we saw as we took a break?
Yep, no pregnancy here......
Sex during those days.. checked.
Now you tell me, how could this happen to me?!
After all the mambo-jumbo, now I came out as a winning little girl making a big deal thinking I am right, just so I basically force him to do what turns out to be the one thing he was afraid of from the start.
Not to mention that with the "good news" the maginc was gone, and guess who didn't get to reach the purple clouds?
Shit.
The one good thing about it though, is that I asked him to stay over, and just hug me, and surprisingly he did just that. Nto only he stayed over for the night, but even stayed in bed with me in the morning and was late from work. the first thing I feel he did for the relationship, and not for himself.
About the break up? I guess it's nothappening now. I don't know how he is dealing with what happened last night, but to me he seems to be OK.
We might even see each other today too, which would be, like, twice in a row!! WoW!
I am sooooooo freakin' weak..........
