• labeledandBranded said on Aug 15, 2007....

  Wow- i just read this and a flood of emotions overcame me.. I am sorry to say that there is nothing you can say or do to heal this pain your dear friend must be feeling. It will be something she will carry with her the rest of her life and she will place blame on anything she can think of. All you can do is assure her that God had different plans for this child and that she WILL be okay!! I will pray for you as you deal with your grief as I will pray for your friend and her heart. 

• MissMimi said on Aug 15, 2007....

  Aww, kewpie.  That is very sad news.  I'm so sorry for her loss.  Losing child must be the most devastating thing anyone can experience.  Such a tragedy when a little life is gone before she was even born.  God bless her little soul.

  All you can do is be there for her.  There really aren't any words that will make her feel better.  Time may soften the sharp edges of her grief, but right now she's heartbroken.  Just be there and hug her and cry with her. 

  {{{hugs for you}}} 

• queenparanoia said on Aug 15, 2007....

  thank you guys. those words means a lot to me. youre right all i could do now is pray.

• wombat said on Aug 15, 2007....

  So sad, I know, Queen.  Sorry to hear this about your friend. I hope she has the means to recieve plenty of counseling and people who love her.  The pain is so terrible--even long afterwards.  The best thing you can do is keep close to her and let her know you care and understand.

• ZsuzsiO said on Aug 15, 2007....

  Oh, darling, I'm sorry to learn about this terrible situation!

  I know exactly what it feels like, since I've been thru it myself with my first baby. It was the beginning of the pregnancy, so at least I didn't have to deal with the big belly, or giving birth to a dead baby, but believe me, it was one of the most terrible days of my life. And I've had some of those...

  It is a shock, and we can't help blaming ourselves, each other, and even G*d. But with time, and some lessons from life (and rabbis) I've learnt that everything in this life that happenes to us, happenes for a reason. There is always something that we might not see today, and things might look so unfair and painfull, but later on we'll see - if we are capable to see it - that what happened had to happen exactly the way it did happen.

  So i stopped asking why, I stopped blaming, I stopped looking for the pain. When something terrible happenes to me, I try to figure out what was the lesson, what was the meaning behind it.

  This baby did start and finnish her task in this world. There IS something that I can't see from here, that has already happened - or didn't, if that was what it had to be. Maybe a bond between your friend and her mate? Maybe what's comming now is going to be a lesson for them to understand? Only g*d knows. But he does.

  For all we know, this baby did not suffer. There was no physical pain, as much as I could figure it out.

  You know, the Jewish religion states that there is no heaven or hell. We think that when G*d created the human souls, he created as many as he planned to create forever, and ever since these very same souls are circling around on Earth. I know that now you could bring up the growing human population and all the resanoble questions, but I am not a rabbi, all I know that there are the right answers. the bottom line is, that when Adam and Eve sinned, their minds were "blocked", lowered down to an Earthy level, and the word was that all their children will be ponished the same way, so each soul will have to work itself back up to that spiritual level, where G*d is - and that is "heaven". Hell is basically being here, where the most painfull, the hardest lessons are being given to us day after day. We must suffer, we must feel pain, we must feel hurt, but most importantly we must make the right decissons while we do face these situations. We believe that our goal on Earth is to better our souls to be able to get to that higher level, and never have to come back here, to Earth.

  Now, if you take this concept, and think about this unborn baby, how can you not smile and think

  "maybe she was so close to this goal that all she needed was 8 months, and without even having have to go thru the first and most important shock of this life - being born into this world - she's got her green light to where we all want to go"   ?

  Her task might have been to bring her parents this pain, so they can face it with the right mind, and make the right choices.

  Maybe even both?

  You know, our religion forbids us to make any changes or preparations before a child is actually born. No room must be set, no name must be chosen, no baby shower must take place. We don't even say Mazal Tov (Concratulations) when whe hear the news of the pregnancy. All we say is that it shall happen in the right hour. We know too well that things like what happened to your friend can, and do happen all the time. It is not a bad thing at all. It is actually a good thing, so we should not feel bad for ourselves. We should only look for what's behind it.

  People forgot the way G*d wanted us to live. When you do that, you tend to live a life in which you are actually hurting yourself much more than you should. I know that your friend probably had a nice room set up for the baby, had a beautifull baby shower, and maybe even decided on a name. Now she has to look at all those things, and face the pain that all that is going to remind her of.

  Maybe you could tell her about this idea, IF you can relate to it at all. I know I was devastated when I had to wake up with all that blood. I know I was depressed for days. We even broke up with my ex husband about a month later, and we were apart for four months. Than, a month later I was pregnant with my son, who is 8 now.  Yes, it still is a painfull memory, but time did it's part, and I made peace with what happened. It gets easier with time. Not that I will ever forget it, but on the other hand, would a woman forget an abortion? I don't think so.

  Life and Death are the two things we do not have any power ower. They are the only things in life that will happen to us. So we just have to deal with it. We do not have to understand it. We do not have to know why it happenes.

  Encourage her to talk about it as often and as open as she can. I reccomend the same to you too. Let it out, let it go, learn you lessons, and take in the experience.

   

  Things are heppenig for a reason.

  Sending my love to you all, with a smile, and not with a tear

  Z

• inspiration2jms said on Aug 15, 2007....

  <quote>
  

  ZsuzsiO said about 2 hours ago....

  Oh, darling, I'm sorry to learn about this terrible situation!

  I know exactly what it feels like, since I've been thru it myself with my first baby. It was the beginning of the pregnancy, so at least I didn't have to deal with the big belly, or giving birth to a dead baby, but believe me, it was one of the most terrible days of my life. And I've had some of those...When something terrible happens to me, I try to figure out what was the lesson, what was the meaning behind it.</quote>

  
  

  My third child lived just over an hour.  He looked so much like his older brother.  I allowed him to die, the doctor's were sure they could save him.  But, he had no brain stem. 
  

  Several years went by and a friend of mine that lost a child five years before I met her was having SEVERE problems.  Although they had had another child the walls of their home were covered with pictures of their first child who only lived 42 hours.  I wrote a bulletin for my church on the subject of letting go.  You may like to read it.  (http://www.ezinearticles.com/?Saying-Goodbye&id=389728)

  One of the things that I did was to go to one of my favorite places with my best friend.  We planted two trees, placing a plaque at the base of both of them in memory of Jeremy.  I do not live in the area anymore but my friend goes twice a year and cares for the trees and clears the growth around the plaques. 
  

  That was 21 years ago this November and the trees are now about 15 feet tall and beautiful.  She sends me pictures.
  

  
  

• mom said on Aug 15, 2007....

  Queen- I have been so blessed in that I have never had to experience that but it doesn't mean that I can't imagine how terrible that would be. This brings out a lot of emotions for most women.  It is one of those times, I can't offer any words of comfort that could help.  I am truly sorry for their loss and yours. *hugs*

• queenparanoia said on Aug 15, 2007....

  wombie and mom: all i could do now is to be there for her. thank you for your comments.

  Zsu: thank you for those words. although i'm not jewish i'm grateful for your insight. and you know what struck me the most? when you said.

  "Her task might have been to bring her parents this pain, so they can face it with the right mind, and make the right choices."

  that really hit a home run for me. why? you see my bestfriend is only 22 years old. have not yet finish college and her husband is jobless. i think they are not ready to get married yet but because of the insistince of the husband's parents they did. and to top it all my bestfriend has so many problems today aside from this. maybe she's not ready to be a mother yet. i dont know how to mnake sense of all of this. but i understand the life goes on. and i have to be strong for her. thank you for sharing your story. it help me a lot.

  inspiration2jims; i just read the link and thank you for sharing it with  me. letting go is hard. i'm still on the process from another death but that's another blog. i'm so sorry to hear about your third child.

  this morning i would go to the hospital and visit her. i'm trying hard to be strong for her. but can that be enough for the both of us? i dont know. but i'll try.

• minniemouse said on Aug 15, 2007....

  at a loss for words....how heartbreaking....{{{{{many hugs}}}}}queenie, for you and your friend.....  Minnine

• silverwhisper said on Aug 15, 2007....

  queen, i'm so sorry for your friend. i don't have a blessed thing to say but know that my thoughts are with her
  
  zsuzsio: holy crap, how terrible! i know it was a while ago, but my sympathies all the same.
  
  ed

• Lioness said on Aug 15, 2007....

  I am sorry for your friend's loss queen... I cannot relate to her situation, but I know how painful it is to lose a family, a friend, a loved one. You are right, no words could ease the pain, but your presence and moral support will do wonders. I hope they get over this soon. 

• the_infernal_optimist said on Aug 15, 2007....

  As a mother who lost her first pregnancy (though not nearly so far in), I weep for your friend. My heart goes out to her, and I hope that she finds something to hold on to in this time of such grief and loss. It's not fair, it's not right, and she will need time to even figure out where to start with what healing may come. She's fortunate to have you by her side.
  
  ((hugs)) for you, and for her and everyone else affected.
  
  ~Infernal
  

• petitepapillon said on Aug 15, 2007....

  QP~ I'm so sorry to hear that. It's always hard hearing about a friend losing their child. I recently found out that my uncle's daughter died and they don't know why either. She was his only girl and she was such a sweetheart when I first met here so long ago.

  I'm keeping your friend in my prayers.

• sweet_cookie01 said on Aug 15, 2007....

  this is a sad news.... wish there is something i could say to help ease the pain.... i'll be praying for your bestfriend....

• one_wired_kitty said on Aug 15, 2007....

  Aw, honey ... I wish there was something I could say to make this any easier. All I can suggest is just let her know that you're there for her any time she needs you. Let her pour her heart out as she sees the need. It's a very hard thing to go through (I lost my pregnancy - 5 months in and the boy I was praying for). It's tough to know what to say or do. You're free to message me any time you need to. *hugs*

• Eilan said on Aug 15, 2007....

  I don't really know what to say except that I'm sorry.  Your best friend is lucky to have you.

• ZsuzsiO said on Aug 16, 2007....

  OH, ladies! Can you all see what's happening here? Who would have known that this blog will let us know that even in this online community we have people who share that same pain we do? Do I feel even more connected to you all now, that I know this about you? Did it make me feel even "better" about my loss, to know that I am not alone, even after so many years?

  I already can see at least one indirect "MITZVA" (good deed in Hebrew) this unborn baby has done on Earth. I have goos bumps and I am holdig tears back. Tears I wasn't aware are still there. But they are, and it's good that now touched them again.

  Queenparanoia - There is a Hebrew saying that goes something like this:

  G*d only gives us as much as he knows we can deal with.

  As I see it, this couple might not have been ready to deal with a baby, but they are ready to deal with losing one.

  "People plan G*d decides".

  You must be strong for youself only. You must be a good friend, but don't try to take her as your responsibility. She must find her own streight to be strong for herslef. It is NOT your task. Just be the kind, loving friend you are seem to be. That is all you need to do.

  Ladies, I am open for messeges if anyone feels like sharing, connecting, but doesn't want to openly blog about it.

  Hugs to all you you

  Z

• skald said on Aug 16, 2007....

  I am so sorry Queen. Sorry for your best friends  loss. At least something is done to help now but my mother lost her baby when she was in the 8th month and had to carry it until the 9th month and it was still born. In these days nothing was done and the parents had to deal with their grieve alone. I know this is a great grieve for your friend and even for you too. Luv.

• Imladris said on Aug 16, 2007....

  So sorry queen, there's nothing you can say, just be there for them.

• queenparanoia said on Aug 16, 2007....

  my response will beon the next post.
   
  Zsu this is the power of soulcast. we are all connected in here. no age, no race, no culture has stand against what we shared today.
   
  to all thank you. you guys never know how thankful i am that i'm here in soulcast. thank you.

• Me-Myself&I said on Aug 16, 2007....

  i am so sorry to hear your friend is in so much pain.  Lord, 8 mos. and to

  be so high on life, looking forward to the new life and lose....stay close to

  your friend, this hurt will last awhile. I will be praying!

• Mamie said on Aug 16, 2007....

  Queen, I am adding my sympathy and prayers too....mamie

• queenparanoia said on Aug 16, 2007....

  thank you me myself and mamie. she's okay now. thank you for your prayers...

• phantomblogger said on Sep 06, 2007....

  I myself have lost a baby a few days away from my due date. I can say its been fifteen years and the hurt does not go away. It eases and it becomes more acceptable, but I also know not all the mooping can bring her/him back or change things. I trust in God that this was for a reason and I also know my son and daughter are in a better place they did not have to experience pain, sorrow, or heartache that this world has to offer. I have to know it is for the better and part of his will. Just pray for her. God bless

• StillSeeking said on Sep 08, 2007....

  How horrible.  I am thinking of them, and you, and hoping somehow everything will be okay, somehow....  :( 

• queenparanoia said on Sep 08, 2007....

  phantomblogger: thanks fort sharing your experience. dont orry about us. my besttfriend is okay now. i think she's sad bt i now she can move on.
   
  stillseeking: dont worry it will be okay... =)

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