• Alyss said on Aug 14, 2007....

  You're not being a bad parent at all. You are rightly annoyed.

• silverwhisper said on Aug 14, 2007....

  i'm sorry, u-i, but as a non-parent, i don't believe i possess an informed opinion on the matter.
  
  ed

• moonstone said on Aug 14, 2007....

  I'm so sorry to read this. You must feel so sad about the situation. Given your sons age, is it possible that he has a girlfriend or friends that he just doesn't want to leave for the weekend? I don't think he's avoiding you, but he might have other things in his life that he's not eager to leave behind. Even for a weekend. It's selfish, for sure. But I remember being his age once. And sadly, if I had to choose spending time with my mom or spending time with my friends, I would have picked my friends. That doesn't make this any easier for you. My son is only 9, but already I'm his last choice of company. It's heartbreaking, isn't it?

• uniquely-ironic said on Aug 14, 2007....

  Alyss - so at least I'm not completely off base.
   
  SW - I really think it is more of a respect issue than a parenting issue, though it is a little more complicated than that.
   
  moonstone - LOL, I had to laugh about the 9 y.o. having similar issues.  I realize he has a life more exciting than mine, I'm just asking for 2 days a month.

• secretlife said on Aug 14, 2007....

  i have a 17 yr old daughter ui.  since she was about 15....it's all about THEM.
  you can talk til you're blue in the face (and i think you SHOULD talk...tell them how you feel even if you think they aren't listening) but i think it's just part of that age.
  they want to do their own things with their friends....they don't want to 'hang out' with their mom OR their dad...
  and they want THINGS.....THINGS matter an awful lot, and they aren't really aware of the fact that $20's don't grow on a tree in the back yard.
   
  keep telling him you love him, even if you also have to tell him that he disappoints you with some of his decisions.

• uniquely-ironic said on Aug 14, 2007....

  SL - I have a hard time with that.  I don't want to make him see me as needy. (for time, etc.)  I would like him to enjoy our time, so guilt isn't an option either.

• secretlife said on Aug 14, 2007....

  is it needy to want to spend time with your children? and to be disappointed when they don't make the time for us?  or to tell them the things that they do that disappoint us?
  i don't see it as needy at all.  i just see it as he's a teenager who really doesn't understand what it feels like to be a parent who misses her son. 
   
   

• gingersoul said on Aug 14, 2007....

  Unique......how amazing coincidence.....i got a cal only half an hour ago from ny daughter (12) who is spending since late July her summer time with her father. She went there kicking and screaming. She sent me alraedy 3 desperate text messages asking to come back home. Friday we have school open house so she was planned to come here Thursday evening to go together,since she has been firm in saying she wanted go with me and not with them.

  Well, she called earlier and told me she wil come tomorrow morning because she asked so. She told them the school thing was Thursday...

  Unique, i am savoring this mama's victory but i know she will grow up and she will be gone, just like your son. Secret is right..its unfortunately age natural..and living in two houses with different values and rules they grow learning soon how to "manipulate" us and taking advantage of the situations.

  I completely understand your position. I too am the single mother who lives in a small apart and can give her all she asks. I can't bring her often to fancy restaurants like her father does, her room in the home he built recently for his new family is bigger and prettier than the one she has here with me.

  I keep telling myslef that she will always appreciate the love i give her and the strong bond we have.

  But i know that harder times are yet to come. You are not needy. You are a mother who misses her son. What is wrong with that? You ex shouldn't have put your son in the situation of exercising an option. Ex? Who needs them, beside child support? [hug}

• Mamie said on Aug 14, 2007....

  oy. I have to agree with Secret and I hope you will find a way to not take it personally (although as a mom, I would too)...but shouldn't the dad be teaching love and respect for his mother? No matter his excuses, I am hoping his dad will say that he expects his son to keep the weekend commitment to visit with mom...i will cross my fingers for ya!

• wombat said on Aug 14, 2007....

  I can't believe I just saw this.  I went through the exact same thing with a teenaged son.  All I can say is, no matter how much I fretted, missed him, tried to do my best for him--whatever---he wanted to be where he was getting the most fun for the least amount of work.  It had nothing to do with how he felt about me.  Or his dad.  It was hard for me, too, because I didn't have the money to buy him the latest gadgets etc... But he got fed, entertained and loved.  Eventually, he grew up enough to realize that if it didn't come easy, it meant more, and he appreciated what I could (and did) for him.  He loves me, and I imagine yours loves you.  He is just caught up in that dizzy world of teenaged madness.  I am sorry he doesn't see you more.  I went through that for years--my time with him being replaced by something else.  And no phone calls when I expected them.  I chased him down alot.  All I needed to hear was that he was ok, happy, and that he still loved me.  But, boy, did it hurt alot.  He is more grown now, and still doesn't do what he says he will (email me, mostly!)  But then I get him on the phone finally--and he sounds fine.  Like, "What's wrong with you, mom?  I am fine!)  (and days of needles worry and pain are gone for me--until the next week or so)

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 14, 2007....

  I don't have kids, but I think I would ask what else is going on over the weekend. It sounds like it is very hurtful for you.  I wish you the best.
  
  CW
  

• rightwingwizard said on Aug 15, 2007....

  Having never had to deal with custody issues I certainly won't try to say that I understand.  I can say that when dealing with teens one tends to live in a constant state of turmoil.
   
  As a single dad of three I experience several years of self hate because I thought I wasn't doing enough for my kids, I was spending enough time with them, I wasn't this or I wasn't that. 
   
  What I found out later was that they thought I was a helicopter parent, always hovering about, checking on them, making sure they were safe and well.  Now my oldest son has become a true helicopter parent, he won't let the kids out of his sight. (They're still quite young) and my second son is even worse.   It must be genetic.
   
  I may have gone off course here, but what I am trying to say is that while they are in their teens, no matter what their homelife is like, they become somewhat distant.    Things will work out for you, as I can tell that there is love in your relationship with your son.  So long as that factor is there, it will turn out well.
   
  Keep loving, and keep smiling.
   
  rww

• wombat said on Aug 15, 2007....

  RWW:  Helicopter parent!  Love that!

• quietone said on Aug 15, 2007....

  this is a tough one Uniquely.  But I do agree with most comments here.  It is hard to "let go" and "let grow".  Seems like the second a kid turns 13..some internal thing happens to them and they start to become no one you thought you knew!  But it will settle down and he will always be your son and love his mom.  But right now its all about "him".  It sure does not make it any easier for you. 

• skald said on Aug 15, 2007....

  Not a bad parent. I am sorry Uniquely for this. Do you think he is seeing a girl ?
  Just a thought.
  

• uniquely-ironic said on Aug 15, 2007....

  SL - Well, when you put it like that!
   
  Ginger - Yes, I see you understand about the two household thing.  I don't even have the benefit of child support. (I pay him since he's so good at hiding his income)
   
  Mamie - It would mean having an ex that's a mature adult for him to teach my children to respect their mother and keep their committments.
   
  wombat - It's good to hear that someone else's son does much the same.  Makes me take it less personally.  I've had the most success with texting my son, but then it doesn't always work.
   
  CW - It does hurt to be put as a lesser priority.  I would assume that he just wants to hang out with friends.
   
  RWW - I hadn't heard the term helicopter parent.  I think I'm torn between not wanting to be one, and not caring if I am.  I've long since given up on being a "cool" parent.
   
  quietone - No, I don't think it will be easy the next few years.  I mostly just pray that I manage to not screw up all the work I've already put into my baby boy.
   
   

• Me-Myself&I said on Aug 15, 2007....

  maybe he is just growing up. that's boys for you. they like to fly! Being

  around dad may make him feel more of a man. for his bullshit...he just

  would neither blow smoke than tell you ...his off and running. my son is 32

   years old he would neither ...LIE than hurt my feelings. ...silly boy!

  i hope all is well, take care...see ya

• uniquely-ironic said on Aug 15, 2007....

  MM&I - I get that he's trying to spare my feelings.  I think that's what I'm the most annoyed about.  I'm a grown up too.

• singlemom28 said on Aug 17, 2007....

  Sorry to read this. Not a bad parent at all. Just wonder whether your son has girlfriend, maybe he is seeing a girl? I quite agree with uniquely "Being around dad may make him feel more of a man." Hope eveything goes well to ya. BTW, I have a 5 y/o boy, I divorced my ex 3 years ago. Now I get engaged with a nice guy (I met him on wealthyromance.com). I am realy happy these days!
   Good luck to ya!
  

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