Today wasn't as bad as yesterday. Last night I lost it though. At 3AM both dogs wanted out but not at the same time, just long enough in between for me to crawl back in bed. I lost it. I crawled back in to bed after about an hour and just layed there and sobbed. I still had not had more than an hours worth of sleep at one time. He was understanding though he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't even hold me. I felt so very alone and lonely. I am not a nurse, I cannot stand having to nurse someone, but I am doing the very best I can. Honest I am. All I do all day is try to keep the house picked up, make sure he has what he needs, fight with the dogs and the cat. Anytime I try to sit down to take a break he says "sit down and take a break" then within 2 minutes something needs to be done, the dogs need in or out, he needs a pain killer or something to eat or drink, or I realize that I need to go pee because I haven't in over 4 hours. I dont' mind doing all of this, I really really don't. I just need a break. Having bipolar disorder I have learned what my limits are and they are being stretched right now.
I just feel like walking away right now and leaving it all. Oh I won't, no need to worry about that. It's just a feeling.
I took him to the post office this morning, he stayed in the car. Then we went to the daughter's apartment and had lunch. I brought him home and he took a pain killer and we both took a nap. I slept much longer than him though. I suggested we sleep on the real bed instead of the waterbed because maybe he could prop himself up better. He agreed to it, but when I asked him later how it was I was told in no uncertain terms that he hated that bed. There are times when I wonder why I even bother to suggest different things, not just to him either, to a lot of other people. He didn't like the water bottle I brought home for him last night, he didn't like the other bed, he didn't like the mac and cheese I made even though he was the one that wanted it. I ask him what he wants and he can't decide but when I make a decision for him, it's not the right decision. Yeah, I know that is the bipolar in me. It's these kinds of things that make me feel like I'm not good enough for him or anyone.
I guess this post was just so I could get some things off of my chest.
