I tried to kill myself once. I took a knife and traced the veins of my left wrist to the best of my ability. I still carry one of the scars. I look at it sometimes, when things begin weighing down on me. It reminds me that yes...it can get worse. It can always get worse. It might not ever get any better. Probably won't ever get any better. But it COULD be hellishly worse.
I understand suicide. I understand it very well. I have heard the sweet siren call and responded. It was only my continued pathetic ineffectiveness that has me here today.
But I am here. And that siren call no longer sings in my ears as it once did. Call it pride. Call it tenacity. Call it whatever you like. I decided that whatever celestial force kept its hateful nasty eye turned my way... whatever vicious cunt of a fate kept slamming me into the ground.... would not get me to give up.
I was never foolish enough to believe I could win. But to simply continue, that is something. Isn't it? It's only a flesh wound, right?
I'm so tired though. I stand, over and over. I smile and I love. I hope.
And I begin to wonder why. What does it matter? Yes. My children need the shield of my strength. But when they are off on their own, what then?
What then shall I defend? Like the stalwart sentinel lifting the heavens, when will the work be done?
I am so damned tired.
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LadyGamer posted on Aug 10, 2007
| views: 297
Comments
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uniquely-ironic said on Aug 10, 2007....
Then, my sweet friend, it will be your turn, to do what you want and say what you please. It's so damnably hard to find meaning in life, but you seem to have done so.Winning, in this life, can sometimes be just looking life in the eye and whispering "I'm still here". -
MissMimi said on Aug 10, 2007....
I also understand the seductive call of suicide. For months I was convinced that the only way to end the pain and despair was to die. As I drove the down the street, I seriously wondered what it would feel like to just aim for the nearest big tree and push the accelerator to the floor.I like how u-i said it, Winning, in this life, can sometimes be just looking life in the eye and whispering "I'm still here".Hang in there, LG. -
carmachu said on Aug 10, 2007....
Winning isnt getting ahead. Winning is not letting them win over you. To still be around even if they dont want you to be. -
LadyGamer said on Aug 10, 2007....
So.
If the fates don't want me around, does that mean that they supported my mother's belief that I should have been a boy?
And since I'm not, I'm not worth the air I steal to live? -
uniquely-ironic said on Aug 10, 2007....
Why should you care what your mother thought you should be?! (I mean I know it's your mother, but the universe does not speak through her) Destiny saw to it that you were born who you were supposed to be. Embrace that, when you have someone trying to convince you otherwise. -
vacantmind said on Aug 10, 2007....
I have been tempted several times in my life to just end it all. I get tired of just getting by. No real security. In the end, I am glad to still be here. I am determined for life to get better. I have raised my children to have compassion for others and to give a helping hand. Which they have done with their mother.
You were meant to be a strong woman. You have to be to raise girls, no matter what your mother wanted.
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silverwhisper said on Aug 11, 2007....
[trout-smack]
sometimes, the appropriate response to life is two words: "fuck you!"
you continue for other people: your children. some day i hope you realize that continuing for yourself is a good lesson to teach them, too.
ed -
CreativeWoman said on Aug 11, 2007....
I have had some low spots in life. It's hard. As you have done, there is a choice to be made that you can overcome it. I don't believe for a second that you can't win, LG. You have it in you to be great. You have to believe it first. That is the hardest part for all of us.
CW
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LadyGamer said on Aug 11, 2007....
I am sad that no one got my monty pyton quote.
Sad I tell you. -
anonymous said on Aug 11, 2007....
Princess Bride "Its only a flesh wound." Got it! -
anonymous said on Aug 11, 2007....
But I am embarrassed it took you pointing it out. That's why its anonymous, the shame I feel. -
silverwhisper said on Aug 11, 2007....
"it's only a flesh wound" is not the princess bride but rather, monty python and the holy grail.
meh...python is just part of the vocabulary. :p
ed -
LadyGamer said on Aug 11, 2007....
Well, ed.
It was in princess bride as well... but I WAS referring to the knight whose arms and legs had been chopped off and he told his adversary to "get over here and I'll chew you to death!"
I felt it an apt comparison. -
silverwhisper said on Aug 11, 2007....
:>
wait, when is it in TPB?
ed -
Alyss said on Aug 12, 2007....
It seems to me that life basically sucks with a few good bits thrown in to keep us going.
I've thought about it too but never seriously and tbh I'm far too much of a coward to try but some black days I wonder the same sort of thing.
Hang in there LG.
Comment on "As if it matters....."
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