I watched a movie once – ‘Message in a Bottle’. I didn’t enjoy it much – not my personal taste, I just watched it with a friend. But the reason it comes to mind now, is because I feel like I’m standing on the shore with a bottle that I’m about to cast out to sea. I have no idea who will read the message inside, no idea of the gender, political affiliation, religious association, sexual orientation or even moral standards of the person reading these lines. In fact as I stand here on the shore, I have no idea whether these lines will be read at all. Nevertheless, I’m going to throw the bottle…out there…into the great unknown…. and for no reason other than, I want to do this for myself….

You, reader, have no idea who I am. I’ve revealed myself before (in similar bottle messages which you may have previously picked up) as a mother and as a believer in Jesus Christ. But you have no idea of my own dark secrets, secrets that I have always been too ashamed to reveal in their entirety. I’ve confessed before, tried to receive counselling, but even in my confession I hold back the extent of its shame. I know leaving things to the reader’s imagination may be misleading. I can admit that for the most part I am a bit of a prude – not perfect or notably pure – but I can tell that this is not an area I’m referring to. There are other sins……….that to me, the area that I’m battling in, are worse sins.

I can tell you (the unknown) that I am struggling in the many areas that I am struggling in because of choices I have made. I have made some really good choices, but there have been the bad ones……….that I am now paying the price for. And I can hide, I can wallow, I can temporarily escape but the inevitable comes…that I need to make more choices. In fact aren’t these things – escaping, wallowing, hiding – aren’t they choices? The fact that I don’t want to face responsibility is something I choose to do. So, if subsequently, things get worse, it’s because of yet another choice I made.

It would be easier to say that I have demons to face…. and yes, that is true…but, it also shifts the blame. I believe the words true that we battle not against flesh and blood but against principalities; I believe that because I believe God’s Word. But the first enemy I have to face is myself. I have to battle my own inertia, my own selfishness, my own choices and my own worst sin. I’m not condemning myself. But, why let it rule me? There I go again, “it” rule me…like it’s something outside of myself…but, truly it is me, I do this thing.

If I told you that I was Strider that must now don myself in armour & stand as Aragorn, perhaps you might relate. It’s easier for me to fanaticise myself as a mighty warrior preparing for battle than it is for me to face the painful truth, being that life boils down to the simplest thing… the choices we make. The worst part is that I’ve pledged to choices before, but because of pressure & failures, I’ve shrunk back. And I’m sure that the forces that be, mock when I once again pledge that I am going to make new choices, that I am going to control myself.

So, what I am doing here is nothing new. But, here again, I can choose… I can choose to shrink back once more or I can choose to once more (and again and again) tighten my grip and strengthen my feeble knees… and take a stand.

And, in time, I would like to throw another bottle out there to say I’ve won a battle…