A couple of years ago, my husband and I had a six-month foray into the
world of online "adult" dating. The experience was only
moderately
successful, but the people-watching opportunities were pretty
enjoyable. The site we used had a section in which members could
seek advice and post success stories or rants. The more I read
some people's posts, the more I realized why they weren't having any
luck getting laid, either online or IRL.
Here's a sample of some of the gems I came across. These posts
are well over a year old, and they're not private correspondence;
anyone who knew where to look could probably find something
similar.
Although it makes my eyes and fingers bleed to do so, I have left all
posts as they were written. My comments are in bold. Enjoy!
Ok, I know some of you unenlightened or ultra-sensitive ladies don't
like to eat cum. I once met a girl who said she would like to, but she
was on a diet and she was afraid my cum would add unwanted fat. Well, I
called the hospital hotline, and I'm sure they thought I was crazy. I
asked how many calories are in an average ejaculation. Get ready for
this: Only 90 calories! So ladies, don't worry, just swallow, and shut
up and be happy that your man is helping you to lose weight. If you
suck him off 5 times a day, that's only 450 calories for you. By spring
you will look like a super model, or better. Wow. And here I was trying diet and exercise like a sucker.
i was looking at the size issue in ***. my reply was simple, we
never ask a girl how big is hers? so come on ladies get the tape
out lets start a poll how long is your slit? sues and jackys are
4inches long are all girls the same length? let us know?
and how about smooth or hair? why are more and more girls
shaving? is it because its better for guys to go down on?
or it shows the female form better? tell us your views.
shave or cream what do you use? is there a cream that removes
hair safe? tell us. Well, ladies, you heard the man. Measure those slits! Sue and Jacky did it.
Why are there some women who hate to give head. I dont see what the
problem is with it. I mean if you agreed to have sexuall intercourse
with me then you should be willing to give me head, dont do a half
assed job It's probably your penis. A little soap and water works wonders. Try it sometime, and don't do a half-assed job.
do women really enjoy giving a blowjob? For me the pussy is kind
of nasty for putting my mouth on, but I'll do it if I really like the
person. It's a simple question, so just give your honest opinion. Maybe
your cock is kind of nasty, too. You think we want to suck on it
after it's been festering in your pants all day? Just sayin'.
Why do girls always say size doesn't matter...but cream themselves when
you give them a big cock. Stop lying...it's not fair to those of us who
are blessed...and girls listen up...this is the one way you can really
level the playing field and put the majority of dudes in their
place...i earned my big cock and you should pay homage to the the few
of us that give you all any sort of hope! How does one earn a big cock? Diet and exercise? Penis push-ups? Enzyte? An skilled cosmetic surgeon?
An odd question, I am sure.. Anyhow the last few women I have been with
have been amazed that I can get them to orgasm multiple times with just
my penis, when they never had orgasms before that way, ever. They all
think I am doing something special, but I am really not, I just know
what spot to hit in there! Do most guys not know this? No, most guys don't know this. You're Just That Good™.
OK it is a silly question, but I recently found out a man I know will
only buy pants if the crotch area is makes his package look appealing
(whatever that means) Is this something that a lot of men
do? Why? And women, do you look at the crotch area and make
sure the pants are gracing the crotch area in an appealing manner? Is that a sock in your pants or are you happy to see me?
No one ever replies to me. What the hell? I've been a member on this
website since August. Am I ugly? Am I boring? I've even sent
winks out to pages and pages of females. Thinking, if I play the
numbers game, someone will reply back. But, nope! No one replies. I've
even offered to involve my wife. And I also see the same people on-line
in my local area. Why should e-mail them? They just ingore me or block
me. People are getting too picky. I've even sent e-mails/winks to other
countries. Still no replies. And I'll be surprised if anyone
replies to this rant! It not them, it's you. No, really.
I know women want experienced men but i think it can me over rated,
unless u just suck at sex, women need to give un-experienced men a
chance, i would love to get some with an older woman Translation: I'm a virgin and nobody wants to fuck me.
Eilan posted on Aug 08, 2007
| views: 942
Comments
-
Devin23 said on Aug 08, 2007....
Eilan you are going to have to give a much better warning next time you put something like this up. I almost spit my drink out with the whole soap and water apply to penis and rinse and repeat. That is really to much. LMAO!!!! -
Eilan said on Aug 08, 2007....
Devin23: Sorry about that. Okay, that was a lie. I'm not sorry! :D -
MissMimi said on Aug 08, 2007....
Eilan, you really must stop this silliness. My laughter will wake the neighbors. Gawd, these studs are so hawt... What's wrong with the babes at that site? -
Eilan said on Aug 08, 2007....
Mimi, I'm seriously considering leaving my husband. That is, if the guy who earned his big cock will have me. -
queenparanoia said on Aug 09, 2007....
wahahahahahhahha ohmygod eilan!!!!!!!!!!!!! waaahahahahahhahahahahhaha.. my stomach hurts now!!! and your replies are funny!!! =) -
mommyof2 said on Aug 09, 2007....
You must have popped a funny pill cuz you're good!!!!! -
lioneljay said on Aug 09, 2007....
One of my favorite threads at another online haunt is called "ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received" and it's good for a few chuckles almost every day. I find it hard to believe that more of these guys (and they're almost always from men) haven't already fallen victim to Darwin's laws. How can they have reached adulthood despite so much inherent stupidity? -
Eilan said on Aug 09, 2007....
qp & mommyof2: The material pretty much writes itself.
LJ: The ASSHAT AWARDS thread rocks! I love it when the asshats seem oblivious to the fact that they're being fucked with. -
exhibit_c said on Aug 09, 2007....
There do seem to be a lot of losers with internet connections. I'm not sure if they are too stupid to recognize that they are pathetic and boring, or if they are to stupid to do anyting interesting and creative.
I'm kind of interested in the knowledge of "just what spot to hit in there". It's a little like knowing what lane is best in the Baltimore Harbor tunnel: yes, there is some freedom of action but the destination is pretty much the same.
-
lioneljay said on Aug 09, 2007....
Exhibit, if the quoted asshat knew what he was talking about, he might have been referring to the G Spot. If you're not familiar with Dr. Graffenberg's discovery, you can read more about it here. For a very entertaining and enlightening forum discussion of the G Spot, try this lengthy thread at Literotica. -
silverwhisper said on Aug 09, 2007....
ah, eilan...i've often wondered about the things on which i miss out. and now i regret it!
ed -
exhibit_c said on Aug 09, 2007....
lioneljay, yeah, I know about the G-spot, and yeah, that's probably
what he was taking about if anything. But 1) unless there are vaginas
out there with a whole lot more wiggle room than I've become used to
with 35 years of practice, there's not a lot of aiming to be done, and
2) the lady has quite a bit bit of control of the friction between
tab P and slot V of which she has independent control. -
evil_twin said on Aug 09, 2007....
This was a hilarious post! Um, how can I earn a big cock? If I sell enough magazine subscriptions, will I get my big cock in the mail? Just curious... :-P
-evil_twin LA
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lioneljay said on Aug 09, 2007....
Evil-twin, I think that you have to sell 1.64 gazillion penis pumps by email in order to earn your big cock. Either that or do it the old-fashioned way by mating a rooster with a hen. -
exhibit_c said on Aug 09, 2007....
I gotta say that the notion of earning a big cock is one of the funniest and weirdest things I've come across in a long time. There are men who try to stretch themselves by wearing weights or using some other stretching device. Seems bizarre to me, and I would suspect there is a high risk for scarring or other damage, but it could motivate the notion of 'earned' cock size.
You want to use the biggest rooster you've got with the biggest hen, of course.
-
uniquely-ironic said on Aug 09, 2007....
OMG, I should have waited until I got home! Now my co-workers can confirm that I'm really just goofing off or they think I hear voices in my head. Either way I probably won't be getting employee of the month. -
4lorac said on Aug 09, 2007....
I give you my loudest laffing out loud....other half had to come into room and see what I though was so hilarious....so you get a twofer on this on.... -
Eilan said on Aug 09, 2007....
Perhaps you earn a big cock by defeating its previous owner? Or maybe by becoming an Amway direct distributor?
I'll post more gems if I come across them.
-
exhibit_c said on Aug 09, 2007....
Eilan, ROFLMAO on "defeating previous owner." -
botoni said on Aug 09, 2007....
Eilan......would reply longer here but am doing research regard the enering of a bigger cock. If I find anyting I ll market it. Off to search out the possesors of earned penis size.......................... -
evil_twin said on Aug 09, 2007....
This post just keeps getting funnier! Defeating the previous owner had me rolling too! And Botoni, good luck with your research :-P
-evil_twin LA
-
silverwhisper said on Aug 09, 2007....
there are few things funnier than collective, unwarranted obsession with penii, IMHO. :>
ed -
lfbno7 said on Aug 09, 2007....
when you say that you and your husband were into online adult dating that was moderately successful, does that mean that you were a swinging couple and that you found other swinging couples that you had a moderately good time with? or were each of you doing it separately in an open marriage? you seem very experimental. there have to be some interesting stories there. -
what.could.be.better.than. said on Aug 09, 2007....
he earned his big cock? thats umm..intresting. are they for real?! and LOL at your comments! -
Devin23 said on Aug 09, 2007....
This thread is hear by out of control. Defeat the previous owner is the greatest. Is that like a cock power up? -
botoni said on Aug 09, 2007....
Research is rather slow in finding earned endowments. On the other hand I ve encountered a few who were willing to purchase endowments so far............ -
Eilan said on Aug 09, 2007....
LMAO! The "earned big cock" thing has taken on a life of its own, hasn't it?
lfbno7: My husband and I had some threesomes during a six-month period in late 2004-05. We didn't have an open marriage per se, as we weren't interested in playing alone. We've been happily monogamous for the past couple of years, however. I prefer not separating love and sex, and neither of us has time to weed through shitloads of leg-humpers to find decent folks to play with.
I suppose there are stories to be told, but I don't know that I'd call them interesting.
-
lfbno7 said on Aug 10, 2007....
Eilan, I find Soul Cast to be on the conservative side, with lots of very religious people and lots of non-religious but still conservative people, and once in a while a wild one.
I really commend you for your honesty. Has your husband earned a big cock? I think it requires him doing the dishes and laundry for a set period of time.
In my marriage we tried swinging, way back in the hippie days, in the 70s. It worked for her a lot better than it did for me. I'm too shy for that. And my idea of sex isn't building up sexual friction with a stranger. I'm not knocking it though. I think I'm the unusual one. Most guys would love it.
Here's a true story of swinging. A couple comes over to our house. They look attractive, nothing at all wrong with them. I'm feeling really shy, comically shy, totally out of place. My wife is warming up to the guy, who is friendly. The two of them stay in the living room and I go to the bedroom with the guy's wife. I'm just trying to relate to her, to feel something, person to person, soul to soul. The other two said that's what they were going to do too, in the living room, no sex, just communication.
Then the guy's wife says to me "How do you feel about the fact that your wife is getting fucked right now by my husband?" That was a jolt. Hey, they said they were just going to talk. She was feeling jealous. So we went into the living room.
Well, her husband was a lot better at this than I was. They were doing pretty good on the living room rug. When I showed up with the other wife, we were invited to join right in, a foursome on the floor. The guy told me he hopes I don't freak out if I find that he is touching me too.
So here's what we have. One guy, me, extremely shy and out of his element, not the least bit turned on, and still feeling "Hey - you guys said we were just going to talk for a while". One girl, my wife, feeling "Whoopee, this is fun!" The other wife feeling "Dammit, my husband is fucking another woman again." And the other guy feeling "Whoopee, this is fun, three people to mess with, two girls and a boy."
How did it all end? I was just a confused child out of my element and not even turned on, though I kind of liked the other guy's wife. I would have liked to be alone with her, and to have her attention, and to maybe hold hands. I think I'm four years old. The other guy was banging two chicks at once, and I wasn't in the middle of it because I didn't want to be the third chick he was fucking. He decided, after getting all hot fucking my wife, to finish up with his own wife, knowing how jealous she gets.
I'd call that a dismal failure on my part. I'm not cut out for this.
-
hillbillygirl said on Aug 11, 2007....
Wow those were just way to funny.... -
mom said on Aug 13, 2007....
Eilan- Charming just charming, they sound like ex boyfriends. LOLOLOL If you can earn a big cock well then I know I have earned one. I got to get one so that Bot and I can be together ;) -
MissMimi said on Aug 13, 2007....
Ooooh, mom can I bring my strap on and make it a threesome? -
Eilan said on Aug 13, 2007....
lfbno7: I don't think not being cut out for nonmonogamy makes anyone a dismal failure.
hillbillygirl: Too bad they're real, albeit a couple of years old.
mom and Mimi: Can I watch?
-
mom said on Aug 14, 2007....
Mimi- Sure, you can, let's call it a date. Do you think Bot can handle us?
Eilan- You don't have to just watch, you can join in too unless that goes against your morals. LOLOL
-
Eilan said on Aug 14, 2007....
I call dibs on queenparanoia's penis ashtray! -
mom said on Aug 14, 2007....
Eilan- Too late! But she might give up her Dong Bong. :) -
blastfromthepast said on Aug 14, 2007....
Well! This has certainly been an eye-opener! Eilan, thanks for the belly laughs, lol! -
inspiration2jms said on Aug 14, 2007....
Hilarious! I am an ex-trucker. I can't tell you how many times I have listened to conversations about pussy and fish. One day it was just too much. I picked up my C.B. mike and said, (to the man that could not understand why his girlfriend didn't want to suck his cock, but, he didn't eat pussy because of the smell):
Did you know, Big Boy, that after just a couple of hours residing in your jeans that your cock smells like old dirty socks that were worn by a person with a fungal infection for three days? -
botoni said on Aug 14, 2007....
This is downright discrimination! How is that nobody asks me if its ok to join in the gangy bangy? My cock isnt big enough? Humph! But before you ask, of course you can watch Eilan! -
mom said on Aug 14, 2007....
Bot- it never occured to me that you would object to any kind of attention. Can we use your body? Please? -
howdevine89 said on Oct 25, 2007....
You hit the last one dead-on:"I know women want experienced men but i think it can me over rated, unless u just suck at sex, women need to give un-experienced men a chance, i would love to get some with an older woman Translation: I'm a virgin and nobody wants to fuck me."I was crackin up readin that one. Thanks!
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