The last post I made here, before yesterday, that is, was May 23. Those first posts addressed mostly my fascination with the physical things that we tried in that time... but there was a lot going on beneath the surface. I was struggling with emotions, with understanding my place (my role) in this poly relationship. I was so unsure of myself. Master or Mistress would sometimes ask what I was thinking, or to tell them if I enjoyed something or not (could be a TV program).

Somewhere in my head, there was something telling me to just be agreeable... that was my role. I didn't feel I had the right (and this was completely self-imposed) to express anything that might prevent them from having what they wanted. Even worse was the fact that I was finding it nearly impossible to talk about my own needs and wishes. As a result of not expressing my thoughts, my frustration grew, and I kept thinking I was wrong. My thinking went something like, "This is the way it is. Can you function within it, or not?"

My biggest frustration was that I needed more physical contact with Master, more than just to pleasure him. I needed the BDSM... I am very cuddly, and very oral, and Master began to call me "pleasure slave". He's right. In many ways I am, and becoming moreso all the time.

At that time, however, I got into a bad headspace. One night. Master had gone to bed without even hugging me, and that "futon in the other room", away from Master and Mistress, was a very cold, lonely place. I had pleasured him for a lot of that day, and my body was aching for his touch... for pain... for anything. I did get to sleep, but woke at I think about 2 in the morning. I had only slept a couple of hours. In those early morning hours, I remembered that Master had asked me what was wrong... I couldn't answer because I really didn't know at the time. I knew I had a lot of trouble telling Master and Mistress how I felt and what I needed. I didn't know if it was ok to be feeling the way I was feeling. With muzzy-headed logic, more raw emotion, really, than thought, I decided this wasn't me. I couldn't just be a pleasure slave.

I knew it was going to be hours and hours before Master and Mistress got up... and I didn't know what I was going to say to them. I made a big mistake. I packed up and left, leaving them a note that said something about worrying about my work.

Needless to say, that didn't go over very well. I talked to a couple of Dom friends about what had happened, and they "ripped me a new one", telling me if I had ever left them without permission like that, it would be the last time I would be in their presence.

So now, I could add "scared shitless" to how I was feeling, and wondered if I could make it right with Master and Mistress, and if I told them how I really felt, would they still want me?

Late in the morning, a message came across from Mistress, to make sure I was safe. She was very sweet about it, but very business-like, all the same. She made it pretty clear that Master was very upset, and that it would need time to heal, if it would ever heal.

I can't remember exactly how we started talking again... I think I phoned. Nothing much was said about what happened. A lot was said about communicating instead of running.

My next visit, Master welcomed me as he always has, grabbing my hair and pulling my head down for that hard, possessive, passionate kiss that tells me my owner has me in his control, where I love to be. Other than that, though, we spent most of the time just talking as you would with any friend you were visiting. We just generally got to know eachother better over the next couple of visits... very relaxed. He knew exactly what I needed at that time.

One of the things I came to realize was that I am always wound up... needing... when I arrive at their door. But they are home... in their household.. in their routine. And they welcome me into that. I am privileged that they have "adopted" me in that way. But the gap between how I feel when I get there, and the headspace they are in was a great challenge for me.

Now, Master recognizes this in me, and usually does something with me fairly quickly to take the edge off, so I can calm down. I am also learning not to let myself get so keyed up.

I know he struggles with how to give me what I need, with the dangers of marking me, and I try, subtly and respectfully to give him any ideas I have that might help.

The whole relationship is working better now. I'm communicating better... and if I can't express myself at the time, or I do a poor job of it, I try to keep coming back to it until I get it all out. They are not mind readers, so I have to learn to do this.

I may be their slave, but I am given responsibilities, one of which is to communicate my feellings, and another, to communicate my needs... because ultimately, if someone's needs are not being met, the relationship is not going to grow.

This past weekend was the time I became sure that Master is the One for me, and I think he knew it too... taking me more completely, making me more His... and I didn't know it was possible to feel the way I now feel about Master and Mistress. I haven't been able to get them out of my mind all day... and my body aches when I think of them.

It's very late, and I've babbled enough for now.

whisp