• skald said on Aug 03, 2007....

  She is serous is she not. Well she may change her mind.
  
  I don't believe that men won't date single mums. Adda is one and already has a man living with her.
  
  No, of course you can not wait 6 good years. Hugs.
  

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Skald......let's hope she will change her mind....i can't surely wait 6 years ....lol...

  Its curious because months ago i read an article based on which seem to be a lot of men who actually like to have this kind of pre-made famiy where they have only to slip in.....

  My last boyfriend made it clear that he wasn't really looking to be a father again. He already had a son of 18 and he couldn't wait for him to be independent. But alas he was living the life of an eternal bachelor.After i left him he actually went to live with a friend...talking about independence....lol.... 

• Alyss said on Aug 03, 2007....

  I remember being horribly protective of my mum when she started dating again after her divorce to the point that I'm pretty sure I sabotaged at least one possible relationship. Now as an adult I realise that what I was feeling was also a form of jealousy, not wanting to share mum with anyone else...
  
  It's complicated isn't it but I am sure you will reach a compromise with her.
  

• evil_twin said on Aug 03, 2007....

  I think your daughter is just enjoying this time with you all to herself. I think it's probably normal for her to want to keep it that way. But I also think she's old enough that she knows you're not really going to stop dating until she's all grown up.
  
  As for the question, would I date a woman with kids? That really depends. One child might be okay for me. But for the most part, I usually preferred to date women without kids. And it's not because I don't like kids. I do. But I want my own kids. And I most of the women I did run across who already had them, also had an ex hovering around all the time, and it just wasn't a situation I wanted to get into.
  
  But with that said, if I met someone and really hit it off with them, the fact that they had kids would not deter me. Every situation is different. It wouldn't be a deal breaker. But if I had a preference, I'd prefer childless so we could start our own family. Does that make me sound horrible? :-S  Hopefully not!
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Alyss....i know that deep down she feels betrayed by her father and she is afraid i might betray her as well. Presently i dont have a boyfriend and i think she is very comfortable in this situation but in the future i will have to be extra careful in case of a possible relationship.

  I am the only one with whom she feels totally safe. She has to continue feeling in this way because, sadly, i cant count on her father to understand this need. Thank you.

• polarheart said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Hey, Ginger!  Wow, your daughter knows and speaks her mind, doesn't she? LOL
   
  I have a suspicion that when she is a bit older and starts like boys that she will let up on her demands.  However, it may be really tough for you in the meantime :-/
   
  It is a tough one, my friend, because we all want to put the happiness of our kids first, but we also need to be happy, no?
   
  Lots of love, Polar ((((hugs)))))

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  ETweenie...oh, yes it does makes perfect sense....:-)

  I understand your point of view. Being still so young you want to start your own family from scratch. I see that. Its good to know though that you dont avoid single moms as a taken point but you are able to give yourself enough wiggling room to evaluate situation from situation.

  It gives hope to all of us single moms!...:-D

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Pollie....yes, its a delicate balance we have to operate between our and their happiness. I think i am starting to doubt my way of putting her as my ultimate priority lately. i wonder if this story of me not being able to simply leave the Statesu and coming back in Italy can be a too big sacrifice for my dreams and my happiness. Will I ever know if i am doing right?

  For now, she is a happy, balanced little woman and i am proud of our relationship. But there are many doubts and struggles in my mind...{{{{hugs}}}}

• polarheart said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Ginger, luv, every parent has those doubts and struggles and questions about whether we are doing the right thing.  We can only live and learn.  As long as she is completely assured of your love for her then she will able to deal with the things she doesn't like all that much eg her mom dating.  You are a very good parent. . .a wonderful one in fact!  I saw a mini bar of dark chocolate today and thought of you :-)

• what.could.be.better.than. said on Aug 03, 2007....

  wow..um..thats a tough situation..you cant wait six years can you?!
   
  and i know plenty of men date women with children...my stepfather for example.
   
  also, i have no place commenting on this blog as i am neither a man, nor a single mother, but single nineteen year old...ahh well...couldnt resist! i pretty much comment every post i read lol! :)

• uniquely-ironic said on Aug 03, 2007....

  I have a feeling that my 13 y.o. would really have a lot with your 12 y.o.  I'm pretty sure that when I'm on my own again she'd be just as happy if I didn't date again too.
   
  I think your daughter is concerned that you might be hurt if you date someone and it doesn't go well.  She also has to make adjustments when you date that she wouldn't have to make if her parents were together, which she might resent.
   
  I think it's normal for her to at least speak her mind, but agree that she is probably old enough to know that you will date if you meet someone you like.  I doubt that she would want you to be alone.
   
  As for whether a guy wants to date a lady with kids.  Well, if it's even going to be a question in their mind I really don't want to date them.  My children are a part of who I am, and it's a package deal, so if that means not dating, so be it. 

• evil_twin said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Ginger, I never think in terms of absolutes. If I met Natalie and she had kids, I'd still love her and want to be with her, you know? There's always room to make different decisions than you might expect yourself to make. But I do think my feelings are a lot to do with age. If I was older, and maybe had my own kids already, I think it would be a non issue for me.
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Pollie.....that's what friends are for....chocolate...LOL....thank you very much....

  Whatcould......please, comment as much as you like.....and to asnwer you question...no, i dont think i can't wait 6 years...lol.... 

  Unique.....oh, but that is the stone from where everything would be built......if they have the slightest doubt about my role as mom and the priority i have set in my life they can start going in the direction of the exit...

  I know she is afraid she might see her mom hurt again...during the divorce i wanted to let her know i was sad and it wasn't my choice to divorce ...i thought it was right for her to understand how difficult was to cancel that life but at the same time understanding that while there is a time to cry there is also a time to wipe your tears, be happy again and go on. She used to come to me and hug me when i was sad or i couldnt' hide on time my red eyes and she would hug me and tell me that it was ok, everything was going to be ok. She has a very deep soul already. 

• uniquely-ironic said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Doesn't it just break your heart when your daughter plays the role of comforter?  Mine does the same from time to time.  I always feel so bad that she even has to know about sorrows so deep at that tender of an age.

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  ETweenie......oh, i am sure about thi too...after having read your posts about your love for her i know that even if she would have had kids you would have fallen in love.

  Age is indeed the big sorting point here, i think. Unfortunately its also true that a lot of men are done with fatherhood when they are older. Especially if they come from previous marriage and have their own kids to still take care of...

  i dont know...i like to think like you do...there is never an absolute behavior and people can indeed surprise themselves with new points of view toward life.

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Unique...oh yes....it does......but i also learned (she taught me so) that kids are so much more resilient than we suspect....she had to face so many new situations during and after the divorce, situations that i was trying to postpone to defend her as much as i could....then when those moments had indeed arrived she surprised me anytime with her ability to face them, understand them and adjust her behavior.

  I can feel you have the same struggle......i think we have to stop feeling bad and thinking in the terms of giving them an important lesson for life......life and love are beautiful but choices need to be made to preserve their beauty.  

• silverwhisper said on Aug 03, 2007....

  i'll confess that if i were single, that might make a difference to me. but i don't believe in absolutes, either: for the right woman, were i single, it wouldn't matter a damn how many kids she had.
  
  GS, how old is your daughter again?
  
  ed

• mirrorimage said on Aug 03, 2007....

  I have a feeling she will be more open to it when she is interested in dating....how many sexless years is that? when do girls start dating these days? :)
   
  I was a single mother when I was 20 and I never met anyone that didn't want to date me because I had a child.....except my childs father....LOL just kidding...
  But, then again, most of the men I have dated have always been older even if they didn't have children of their own...they still seemed to be more open to children.

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Ed....she is 12 but with the mind of a 30 y-o....lol....good answer, indeed....:-D

  Mirror......oh, no......if i have to hope she would start dating in order for me to have a date i think i would prefer to remain sexless a little longer ....well....uhmm.....let me think about it....lol........

  So you too think its only a matter of age for the men?

• mirrorimage said on Aug 03, 2007....

  lol...good point....
   
  I do... I think once they hit a certain age, they think they are too old to start at the baby stage or already have children of their own so it doesn't make any difference.

• silverwhisper said on Aug 03, 2007....

  my brother-in-law married a woman who (at the time) already had a 7 year old daughter. maybe i'm just a proud uncle, but that little girl (she's now 11) is absolutely amazing. :D
  
  ed

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Mirror...yes, i am starting to think the same.....but again it depends by the level of their maturity...my last boyfriend was 40 y-o......i think that is pretty good age to start acting like a grown up, dont you think? And yet....his dream was getting rid of his son and biking on the Appalachian Trail.....go figure.... I gladly left him so he could pursue his dreams....lol....

  Ed....proud uncles are the best.......i gave my daughter 2 adopted uncles.....the last one is the more distant and he never met her (yet) but i know he is proud of her already....:and with the time they might get to know each other, in a way or another one....

• silverwhisper said on Aug 03, 2007....

  i love my nieces and nephews. i'm the godfather of one of my nieces (not the 11 year old), along w/ my wife as her godmother, and good heavens, but i love that little girl!
  
  ed

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Why her? What do you like so much in her? 

• silverwhisper said on Aug 03, 2007....

  my goddaughter is beautiful and so very, very willful--but i love how much personality she's got. and you know me: i prize sass. :>
  
  ed

• skald said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Ginger.  I am truly sorry about the last boyfriend and eternal bachelor. I think that is so wain. Need a good English word. Hope you know what i mean. It sucks. 

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Ed.....i couldn't agree more with you...being a sassy one ..LOL....

  Skald...oh no, dont feel sorry for me...believe me...i liked him and he is truly a nice guy but it wasnt the right one for me....the attitude he showed toward parenthood was just the most important but not teh only reason of why i didnt feel the rigth connection with him....thank you though...{hug}

  You intended vain in the meaning of superficial?

• silverwhisper said on Aug 03, 2007....

  GS: as with so many other things, we're in agreement on this, too, i see. :>
  
  ed

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Ed.....just smiling....:-)

• dyingman said on Aug 03, 2007....

  I'm probably in the 80%.
  
  I once read it takes one million bucks to raise a kid.
  Surely that's the upper end of the scale, but whatever number you come up with it's going to be a hefty price tag.
  
  If a man sires a child by another man's wife, the husband becomes a cuckold.  The cuckold is a patsy.  A sap picking up after the stud who spreads his seed across the land.  The sad, biting humor of the situation is captured in some shows like "King of the Hill" where the entire neighborhood (except Hank) notices Dale's son looks nothing like him.
  
  It's scarcely different investing one's money, time, and emotional effort into a child of an absent father.  The fool in this case is simply a fool with his eyes open.  The circumstances may matter a great deal. 
  
  "Dating" a single woman is a fine pastime for the desperate or the cad.  They will be content to take their chances with the costs involved, or leave the moment the situation no longer pleases them, respectively.
  
  Those of us who are neither desperate nor cads look upon the single mother as a soul worthy of love and therein lies the trap.  For fear that the worthy lady will wish more from us than companionship on weekends at some point, many of us will avoid the possibility of breaking hearts or gaining a lady's contempt for our trouble.
  
  That said, I suspect if BOTH mother and daughter demonstrated effusive approval of me, I'd fall for the set and make the leap of faith. Leaps of faith can require a great deal of courage.  It is often far simpler to avoid cliffs even if the view may be sublime.
  
  *DM
  
  

• rupert7 said on Aug 03, 2007....

  No it would,did not. My second wife had an 11 year old when we met.The kid and i hit it off big time,he even started calling me Dad before I married his mum. He is married himself now and we still have a great relationship.

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  DM.......so everything is reduced down to the green? Meaning the bucks, not the pasture where cads, stallions, horses and cuckholds eat....

  Yes, it takes money to raise a kid....and also, as you pointed out, a big leap of faith, courage, hearth and love. Your example reminded me of the mitic conversation in the movie "Jerry Maguire" when Cuba Gooding asks Tom Cruise if he did pursue the single mom Zellweger:   

  Gooding: I feel for you, man. But a real man wouldn't shoplift the pootie from a single mom. 
  Cruise: I didn't shoplift the pootie.  
  Cruise: All right. I shoplifted the pootie.

  Yes, its bad shoplifting the pootie from a single mom.....lol.....

  But a real man can see beyond the difficulties and the obstacles, i hope...thank you for stopping by...:-). 
  

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Rupert.......it would have changed a lot if you and her kid wouldn't have had that great connection at the beginning?

• wombat said on Aug 03, 2007....

  When I met my current, I found him before our first date and told him I had a child.  He asked, "How old is he?"  When I told him, he said, "We'll work around it."  He was great (still is) with him.  I found out later that he was only a little nervous about it being an infant or toddler.  That he wasn't ready to tackle.  As for you, I bet that this is just what is on the little one's mind "at this time."  I wouldn't worry too much about it if it were me.  But I would be careful about new people, in general, around my child until I was sure.

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Wombat.....funny......its the same reaction my ex boyfriend had when i told him about my daughter....:-)

  I am glad your man is great with your child. My worries are all about what she has already had to face in terms of her father breaking our family and marrying so soon another woman with another daughter of her own.  She feels like just meeting someone can automatically leads to a revolution in our relationship. I assured her already i would never let her feel a guest in our home, like unfortunately she feels when she is at her father's home. 

• wombat said on Aug 03, 2007....

  gingersoul:  Oh, yes, I see that angle.  I know it is so hard on the children when parents divorce, and date, and re-marry.  It is, unfortunately so much the norm now.  It is just that the little ones still have such a hard time of it.  They don't have the chance to understand until they are older--like we are.  I went through all that with my son--he wanted to feel "at home" with me, but still had to follow the "rules" laid out by my new hubby.  (Fair and good ones, by the way)  But I was still left having to choose between the two quite a bit.  Secrets got kept--I can attest to that!

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Wombie..... see, my daughter is having  a very hard time in accepting and understanding the new rules she as to follow in his new home. The jerk doesn't understand that she has been his only daughter for 10 years and she feels (rightly) entitled to a special relationship with him.

  Instead he and his bimbo-new wife are forcing her to accept (brutally) the reality that that is their home and their rules, face it. What really hutrts me is that he never spends a moment alone with her, he rarely has a meaningful conversation with her. She really feels left out. And she is afraid i might put her in the same position.

  You did rigth in tryng to find a good balance and keeping the difficulty of having to choose a secret to your kid. Good job. :-)

• hotaka said on Aug 03, 2007....

  I think if I really gelled with someone then I would welcome her kids in my life too. Hey, ginger, if I were single and we lived a bit closer don't think I wouldn't ask you out. I am sure your daughter is charming.

• wombat said on Aug 03, 2007....

  gingersoul:  I completely understand.  I still worry that he grew up thinking he was "an afterthought."  But I did the best I could, and always tried to remember that we would never have divorced if his father could have grown up and "been a man."  I had to be the man, the mother, and then introduced another man. I am so feeling the way your little one must feel!  There aren't any easy answers, but I do hope you are able to keep the "adult" mentality and know that if you are happy, then things will be good all the way around.  I would hate to see that somone sacrified their happiness because of a comment by a child that hasn't had the chance to understand yet. I know, that sounds bad at first.  But, I believe I am right.  I know my son respects his step-father more than his own dad.  Maybe it was all those "rules" meant for his benefit--the ones he didn't like at the time.

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Hottie.....i knew you were a real man...lol....and yes, my daughter is really charming....oh, guess what? she loves all these Japanese animes plus she loves camping and hiking.....i see a cosmic connection here...:.

  And if you weren't already taken and we lived closer i really think i would say yes.....but now dont get yourself in trouble, mister Hotcake....you had enough love drama in your life.....;-)  

• Eilan said on Aug 03, 2007....

  I don't really have a lot of experience with dating as a single mom because my husband was the only person I dated after my separation. My two oldest daughters were 3 1/2 and just-turned-1 when my husband and I officially became a couple, so they weren't really old enough to have an opinion abut whether or not I should date. My husband didn't have a problem with raising someone else's children because he'd pretty much given up on having his own due to his infertility issues.
  
  I'd already decided that I wasn't going to introduce anyone I dated to my children until I knew him very well first. I'm just glad I got it right the first time!
  
  I can't understand a child being possessive of a parent if the other parent is absent for whatever reason, but I also don't believe that the children should make the rules, either, and telling a parent that he or she can't date, IMO, means the child is making (or trying to make) the rules. An acquaintance of mine is was widowed when her daughter was only a baby. The daughter's getting ready to start high school, and the mother can't do anything without making sure her daughter hasn't already made plans for her. Makes me wonder who's in charge.

• tbs230 said on Aug 03, 2007....

  I didn't want my mom to date either, I mean, 8 years of a good thing is hard to let go of. But of course she didn't listen to me, and now I have a sister in the equation. Am I upset at her, not really. I feel better now that I know she's not alone while I'm away.
  
  Your daughter is just dreading sharing you with anyone permanently, she'll get over it, eventually.
  
  That and the fact that she doesn't want you hurt. I was terrified of my mom getting hurt by a man, I'm sure she's just feeling that as well, especially after hearing that broadcast.
  

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Eilan...i understand your point ....that acquaintance of your is way over the top in her mother-daughter dynamic. 

  I am not in any way thinking to let my daughter rule my love life. I only want to be careful in respecting her. She is a young woman entitled to her opinions and feelings. It wouldn't be smart for me to simply shrug my shoulder and not even trying to understand her point of view.

  I think she is just reacting to a too fresh situation. Surely i will want be more than sure of the man i will meet in the future (if any....) and his attitude toward her.

  I had introduced her to my ex boyfriend 5 months after we were dating and in a neutral enviroment. He brought us to a restaurant she particularly liked and she loved his attention and his way of talking to her as to a young woman not a child.

  I am glad you got it right the first time.....:-)

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Tbs.... you are right on target....she loves her father but she is aware that he hurt me. So in her mind she has to deal with the notion that one person she adores has been "very mean' with the other person she adores.  It can be confusing. Its a matter of loyalty too. I think. Toward me.

  I know its only a phase. I just wish it will pass smoothly, without any trauma and drama. 

   

• hotaka said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Hey, ginger. With you it might just be worth it. ;)

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Babehot.....why, oh why all the men i am interested in always live so far away from me? ..;-) 

• hotaka said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Are you saying you're interested? Well, well. You put a smile on my face again, girl. Big wink and a hug to you.

• Daniel68 said on Aug 03, 2007....

  I was dating a single mom. I have kids of my own.
  
  Her ex runs with Columbian gang members. I have my own kids. I gave her everything I could. She doesn't know if I'm attractive enough for her.
  
  So, I can honestly say - I really TRIED to be that 20%. But I gave up. It's just too much trouble.
  

• SeanRenaud said on Aug 03, 2007....

  Honestly you'd have to be one hell of a woman for me to consider a married woman for anything other than a one night stand.

• destinydiva said on Aug 04, 2007....

  a very interesting post ginger....  In the virtual world... trav loves me and my kids... so I guess I'm lucky, but in the real world after a disasterous marriage I am a sinlge mum with three kids. tho I appreciate I am a no go area to any man!! I have had several offers of dating by guys who know my situation....  so they wern't totally put off....
  It was definitly easier being a single mum with just my eldest before I married my husband....
  he was wonderful at first... he doted on jodie, and became a real dad to her (her own father awol :-) we were engaged and planning our wedding when jodie started school so we changed her name to his....when we got married he even went as far as adopting her... 
  Then my second daughter was born.....  and he changed immensley.....  he began to resent jodie.... he started to bully her aswell as me... just nag her all the time...sasha was loved freely by him as jodie once had been .... but now, jodie had to beg for his love and attention...it s a cruel situation... i failed big time as a mom with this one :-(  I allowed him in to her life and he fucked her around. when we split up he refused to take jodie for a month.. that was just evil....  he even said to me in an argument.....  i should never have adopted her... now i have to pay for three kids... thats what an ass he is....
  they have a very thin relationship left... I think jodie just stopped trying to make him love her.....  I try to make up for it...
  I think she is really holding out for trav... they spend ages chatting.....  when she had her sats a few months ago it was trav who sat revising with her..... my ex never even asked how she was doing.....
  he was quick to slate her though when she got her results... (she did fantastic in english & science but a little lower than average with maths...) he told her she could have done better.....
  rah !!
  
  anyways ...theres my little rant :-)  your daughter sounds a lot like mine....
  speaking her mind :-) tho in this situation... jodie mithers and mithers when am i gonna marry trav!!  so he touched her heart too :-)
  
  Destiny xx
  

• RollingC said on Aug 04, 2007....

  The emotions involved in the young one's heart are by far too complicated for me to try to explain.  I think jealousy is the real issue but also fear of losing again  is in there somewhere.  My stepdaughter rejected me totally at the beginning and it's been a long uphill climb for me.  The fact that my marriage is now in trouble has somewhat to do with it but many other factors are involved. 
  I think that long talks with your daughter are in order and explanation of priorities should be one of the topics.  Only you can tell and be the judge with final say but she needs to understand that you need a relationship with someone and those don't just grow in trees....you have to look for them.
  Good luck and God Bless.
  Rc
  

• hotaka said on Aug 04, 2007....

  One thing about dating a single mom, I think you have to figure that you accept a certain amount of responsibility for the children as well. I mean, if you are a jerk to the mother the kids are going to see that and they won't feel good about it. Also, if the kids learn to love you and accept you and then you leave you are breaking their hearts as well. But I think if you can have a great relationship with the woman and her kid(s) then in the end you actually gain a little extra.

• tbs230 said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Ginger, what my mom explained to me was that she wanted us to be happy. That there was someone out there that could do that for us. And that I would always be first in her heart, I would just have to share a little bit of it with someone else.
  
  I think knowing that she was doing this (dating) to make herself happy soothed me a little. And knowing that she still loved me first REALLY helped. I think these are the times when being extra careful to pay attention to her will really make things smoother. She'll see that even though she has to share you, just a little bit, you still find time to remember she's #1.
  
  I promise you, it's really a comfort thing. Children like routine, and since you've only brought that one person to meet her, she's doesn't understand the concept of "dating".
  
  Plus, she has to worry about getting hurt too. If she finds she really likes one of your boyfriends, she doesn't want to feel bad if you two don't make it. I gotta tell you, being an child with a momma that wants to date can be nerve racking!
  

• silverwhisper said on Aug 04, 2007....

  sean, she's talking about a single mother, not a married woman.
  
  ed

• secretlife said on Aug 04, 2007....

  ginger:  i think like alot of others here that it's only natural for your daughter to want to 'keep' you all to yourself.

  she already felt the sting of her dad marrying again and having another family.

  she knows how it feels to 'share'...

  they're so sweet...our little girls.  so clever to devise plans (we can get married)...all you can do live your life and see what comes your way.  at the same time your little girl will be growing up and changing too.  she will begin to understand more adult things soon enough.  until then, there's nothing wrong with babysitters, hotel rooms, and even an occasional car...LOL.

   

• kruuyai said on Aug 04, 2007....

  ginger:  I understand the wisdom of not bringing a lot of new men into your child's life... that can really have a detrimental effect.  But that being said, you are a person, too, with your own life and your own needs, and children don't typically get the right to dictate to a parent what their life should be like.  I know I'm putting this very bluntly, but how good of a mother can someone be if they sacrifice absolutely everything for their child...and what kind of a role model?  You've already sacrificed your dream of moving back to Italy for her.  You can't sacrifice everything.  I understand that, because of your love for her, you may be willing to sacrifice everything for her, but I'm not sure that's the healthiest route to go.  I'm sure, when the time comes, you can find a gentle way to explain to her that mommies have needs, too.  And continue to give her the quality time that you always have and find ways to reassure her that that won't change when and if a new man comes into your life.  Her request is unfair, but that's kind of the way kids are.  Their world revolves around them... no matter how wonderful they may be, it takes a certain level of maturity to start to consider the needs of other people around us.  I've seen it happen as young as 4 years old, and then I've known people in their 80's who never learned it.  Of course, it's nice to consult with children about major life changes, but the ultimate decision... i think that's yours to make... just my two cents worth.  {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

• ALIENated said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Here is another statistic: 100% of men say all kinds of crap and then do just the
  opposite when it comes to women. Just about every movie you see, that is the
  premise. When you find the right guy, your child will be no problem. If you just
  want to date and have sex with nothing more serious, like marriage, then it might
  be time for the birds and bees talk with your daughter. She needs to 
  understand that what you need is just as important as what she needs, but not
  more important than her. And, if it is just sex you need, call 555-123-6547. If
  a female ALIEN answers, try again later.
  

• gingersoul said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Daniel.....well, the least i can say its that your situation was indeed aggravated by specific conditions..i mean...being her ex a gang members would have concerned everybdoy....but you tried....:-)

  Sean...as SW told you below....we are talking about dating single moms not married women.....but thanks for your illuminating contribution.

  Destiny.....its great your daughter and Trav are getting used to each other thru chatting.......your experience with your ex and Jodie is exactly what i dread for my daughter and her father. Since he got this new baby girl with his new wife (btw, while he was still married to me) i think he is in a mission to give her everything he never completely gave to our daughter: his time and attention. He goes around with this baby always attached to his neck. And the new wife has been pushing to have my daughter accepting her new rules: everybody is equal here. But guess what? Its a bullshit.

  My daughter has eyes and brain and she sees and compares and what she says, the tears she have cried many times coming back from their home have told me that there she will have to fight to find her place.

  I wish you this time Jodie will really find the father figure she deserves and she needs. Good luck!...:-)

• ALIENated said on Aug 04, 2007....

  We must have been posting at exactly the same time.

• gingersoul said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Alien...lol.....yes, at the same time...but......that number is always working? You never rest? Btw, isn't dating the main way you can meet and eventually like somebody to the extent of considering something serious? I dont care about any repercussion of my dating for ses, if i wanted some...this is not the point. I can have sex without her having the slightest clue.

  Come on, give me some credit here. Ever heard of sleepovers? ...lol.. 

  Tbs.....thank you....your experience as a child witnessing her mom dating is comforting and positive for me ....:-)

  Ed.....thank you!

  Secret......oh no, nothing wrong with them....cars have such a sexy vibe, if you ask me..and hotels out of sight ...oh yes.......;-D......And, as i said to Alien...who am i to underestimate that great tool that are sleepovers?...lol....Its so great reading you again.....{{hugs}}

  KruuKruu......but i do agree with you 100%. I am also aware that  postponing for her our coming back to Italy can be seen as a big enough sacrifice to the altar of our little family sanity and her happiness. I m not a blind Mother Hen....lol.....but you are right in pointing out the danger of putting aside my own goals and ultimate happiness to give her the best i can. Thank you...{{{hugs}}}

• kruuyai said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Ahhhh, I'm glad to hear that, ginger.  :)

• Bosun said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Gingersoul, don't give up the ship! Your daughter will want to date boys soon enough. As long as you give her love and assurance, she should adapt to the man in your life.

  As for your other question, single mothers have never bothered me!

• SeanRenaud said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Sorry typed it wrong, same difference though.  They have kids.  I don't want kids of my own I certainly don't want other kids where at least the media would have you believe that their fight's always come to you aren't my daddy.  Fuck that. 

• gingersoul said on Aug 04, 2007....

  KruuKruu.......smiling....:-)

  Bosun......hello....nice to see you here...Never give up the ship!...hell no.....lol...

  and for your answer....i had that feeling about you....:-)

• queenparanoia said on Aug 04, 2007....

  ginger so many comments i can't read them all. anyway i think youre daughter just wants to be morecloser to you that's why she said. anyway if the right guy comes why not take a chance? mabe youre daughter could like him... =)

• gingersoul said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Sean...well, talking about using the artillery....so your concern is about them being screwed up in the future and accusing you of all their misery because you were not their real father??

  Man, if you are running ahead ....but i completely agree that since you dont want ANY kids of your own you want stay away from single moms. Good choice, actually. I think that any single moms is thanking you right now...;-)

• lioneljay said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Ginger, we all have our tolerance for change and it seems that you found someone with a very low tolerance. While it's not on my agenda, if I were a dating guy I think that I'd be entirely open to someone who had children. After all, I doubt if I could be interested in a really young woman (for more than a few hours, anyway) and so the chances of meeting someone mature enough for my tastes who does not have children are very low.
  
  Your daughter, as others have said, is simply expressing her enjoyment of the life that you're giving her right now. It's a very strong statement of support - but that's all it is. Surely there will come a time when she'll want to start seeing boys and she'll understand, sort of, where you're coming from when you tell her that you'll date if you want to regardless of her preferences.
  

• gingersoul said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Queen....oh, i will take a chance...i just want to be sure to make her feel comfortable with my choices... 

  So...up to now for the Sc men....

  Only Sean is completely against dating single moms.

  Alien is very cautious about it along with Dyingman who left a opening at the end of his comment.

  Daniel dated a single mom but with bad results though.

  Completely open to the possibility are Ed, Bosun, Hotaka, ETweenie.

  Rupert and Rolling had actually taken the chance.  

• gingersoul said on Aug 04, 2007....

  LJ...oh, i missed your comment before making the list above...

  You are another strong man who doesnt feel intimidated by the challenge....i was sure about it...;-)

  What you say about my daughter is right.....her life is pretty sweet and i bet she dreads any slight change since she has been forced already to accpt so many changes in the recent past...

  So...you see pretty boys for mom and daughter in the future?..LOL....{hug}

• queenparanoia said on Aug 04, 2007....

  hehehe ginger... you'll never run out of men in here... =)

• PassionTraveler said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Daniel, I think she absolutely isn't the typical woman. Or at least I know there are good women, single mom or not out there. My good friend J is a fabulous mom and frankly, I think she's a great catch. She'd never behave toward you or any man the way the woman you described behaved.
  
  But to GingerSoul, I'm divorced, but have no living children. I was pregnant twice in my marriage. The first, a stillborn, the latter, a miscarriage two years later. (I'm fine with it now, it was a very long time ago), but I want kids. If my daughter had survived, she'd be 14 right now and I'd be going through exactly what you are. I want love too, but I do want children. If having the blessing of children means I'd have to give up romance, or at least dating for a while, I'd do it. But I suspect there are other options that will work.
  
  She is the child, she comes first in terms of her physical and emotional needs. That's the responsibility of parenting, and sacrifices have to be made for that, but you too have needs. She's not dumb, so you can't easily hide that you are dating.
  
  But perhaps you could consider making her a promise that you won't bring home anyone you date until the guy is proving to be someone special, and only after discussing it with her first, preparing her for it and involving her in the decision (and never to spend the night).
  
  I'm not in your shoes, no matter how badly I'd like to have that problem, but I suspect it's how I would handle it, or how I would hope to handle it if I were in your shoes. I think I would want my son or daughter to understand that sometimes there are things that grownups need and just have to do.
  
  I have a question though and I apologize if I missed the answer above, but is it just about missing sex? or is it a desire for a partner/relationship/love? If the former, maybe consider a friend with benefits, no strings attached, and never bring him home. If it's romance, that's a tougher situation.
  
  Regardless, I wish you the best of luck, and even though I've made suggestions, I don't presume to be in your shoes or to know your daughter or what's best for the both of you. But I do hope you find some satisfying solution. We all need that human contact. We're hardwired for it.
  
  PT
  

• gingersoul said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Queen.....now i can tell you the truth...thats why i wrote this post...shhh....dont say it around...LOLOL...who knows...maybe i will find my new man here.... :-D

• gingersoul said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Passion.....thank you for your detailed and long comment....i am sorry that you dont have what you want the most. I bet you would have been a great, thoughtful single mom for your daughter....{hug}

  Sincerely, i am not looking for sex. Its not for bragging, but i would have had already many encounters, here and in Italy as well, if i still were in this kind of quest. I am probably starting to feel the armor cracking up. I have been accurately avoiding during this past year any thoughts about even a possibility of love or romance. I think i was still mourning my past marriage.

  But while i have been dating i had lot of fun. I even tried to build something with one of those men. I also had a friend with benefits, as you said.  Back to Lonelyville it wasn't bad at all. I had time to focus on myself and my daughter and my future. You are right, looking for a relationship is more challenging. And me and my daughter will have to adjust together to whatever migth come. Thank you again. 

• Mamie said on Aug 04, 2007....

  hi Ginger, boy, that must have freaked you out somewhat. I just want to add to all these comments that I think your daughter would feel differently if she knew and loved a special somebody in your life. So, I think it is the who and not the "what" that causes her some stress.  She is so young to worry about these things...but I was once that girl and I think I told my mom not to marry my step-father.....I am still right about him, but they have built a life together for over 30 years now...I only understood her motivations when I was an adult.
  Good luck, girlfriend!!

• gingersoul said on Aug 04, 2007....

  Mamie.....thank you ...oh yes, the who is the main point here....she did like my ex boyfriend but evidently not that much...she actually was right in catching some vibes not quite right since indeed i broke with him.

  Wow, over 30 years marriage...good thing your mom didn't listen to you then...lol...

  maybe i should start using some earplugs..:-D.... {hugs}

• moonriver said on Aug 05, 2007....

  moonriver k'ung fu-tzu say, lady become more lovely and gorgeous and desirable and precious if she tell interested man that she has kids. if man love her, and esp. if he realize her child is smart and strong and funny like her, then man is crazy doo-doo if he not wish get fantastic package deal.
  
  

• gingersoul said on Aug 05, 2007....

  Moon-Confucius.......i just bow to your wisdom....lol...

  Another man who has the heart to love and the gut to accept the challenge. I am not surprised to read this from you. Not surprised at all..... {hugs} 

• vivian2007 said on Aug 06, 2007....

  Maybe your daughter is afraid you might leave her alone when you find your match? Maybe you don't take care of her when you are out for dating? I believe your daughter will be happy if you find that special one because you don't date anymore! Good luck!
  Just a piece of advise, you can try some oneline dating sites like www.wealthyromance.com(BTW, I found my match there), it will be worth each of your penny. If you find someone who matches you in some aspects after one-month email communication, you may go out for a date.

• ZsuzsiO said on Aug 07, 2007....

  I was looking for your online dating blog, but found this one, and I just had to comment. I am on the dating scene for about 6 years now, and let me tell you, I've never had any problem with being a single mom. Of course, I was very young (24) when I started dating again, my son was only 2 and I am a workout freak, so I guess looking young and pretty didn't hurt. But even with a boy that young they guys I've dated were all cool about my son. Not all relationships worked out, and yes, I am still alone, but it was mostly MY decision.  3 major realtionships I've had since were all absolutely all right with the fact that they are going to father my boy. However, I've never actually let that happen. I've never let anyone of them to start buying stuff for him, getting involved with caring for him, or getting into my relationship with my son's dad. One of them really wanted my son to call him "dad" and I was furious about that. My son has a dad, and no thank you, we do not need another one. I also tried to keep my son out of my love life, and not let him see me "being a woman". You see, you never know if that relationship would work out or not. He doesn't need to lose another person and think someone doesn't love him anymore. It was OK to introduce people, as good friends of mine, it was OK for him to become friends with him too, but  it was NEVER mommy's boyfriend.
  In my case, my son is the opposite of your daughter. He wants to have brothers ( twins if possible, and he means he wants to be a twin =] ), and he jumps on just about any man I bring home, and wants to have a son/dad relationship with them. It scares me, it hurts to see it, and I protect myself and him even more due to that.
  Since back in Israel I have not dated at all, cause I didn't want to take my time away from my son, and I felt it is not the time to involve someone in our lives.  Now I am ready, but only, and I mean ONLY, when my son is vatacioning in the USA with his dad. What will be after that? What will I do and how? I cannot tell you. But I've never felt that having a child made any differnece.
  Please read my new blog I am about to write now - it's about how I feel now about my life as a single mom, and about dating, and  all....
  Grait post, loved it! Please don't give up on dating, but do keep your child out of it if possible. Never let a man feel that you need him to be a dad, never allow your child to see that you are getting hurt by a man and just know, that it isnot the child they are scared of, but the responsibilities of a sudden family life. I really feel that once they realize that you can, and are taking care of that part, and you don't need them to solve your problems, than they calm down. If you take are of yourself, keep active and positive, there is no reason for a man not to want you, and as long as the relationship isn't too serious they should have nothing to do with your child. It must come from them naturally, because they've already accepted you and your child, love the both of you and want to be there.
  And don't get me wrong - there is no problem if a man takes you all out for a luch and pays, or get a little something for your child. I don't say that you have to say no, and make a big deal about it. When I am with a man I never pay for myself or for my son. But that's about the most I allow a man to be involved in my son's life.

• gingersoul said on Aug 07, 2007....

  Zsu...this is the blog i told you about online dating.

  Thank you so much for your long comment.....you show a lot of wisdom and i completely agree with you...Our difference is probably in the young age of your son and in his desire to have a "new' father figure in his life. You so right to defend him from any possible heartaches.

  In the case of my daughter, being her already a young adult and being the fact she has a father who is at the end involved in her life the desire of somebody replacing him is not exhistent for her.

  I am going to read your new post now. You seem to have very clear ideas and this is necessary when you have to set your own rules and your own limits. I can feel how much you love you little one. {{hugs}}

• bloc said on Aug 08, 2007....

  i'm a little late to the party, but if I weren't married I'd date a woman with kids. If she were interesting ;)

• gingersoul said on Aug 08, 2007....

  Bloc.....so long i dont read you....your are not too late....

  I agree with you.....i'd date a man with kids if he were interesting and had a great relationship with them.......but you know there is always this double measure that dictates women are by nature more nurturing and more easy in accepting other men's kids.....

  Not my case......I am not a Mother Hen at all....i dont really like kids in general.....beside my daughter and very few other kids.....maybe i have to go to therapy...lol....

• ZsuzsiO said on Aug 09, 2007....

  WOW! I've never thought about turning this one around! I would NEVER date a man with kids!!!!!
  OMG
  I am horrible!
  I don't want any more kids, I don't want to deal with some one else's kids and NO NO NO, I don't want a crazy ex wife to argue with....
  I am so shallow.....

• TealDragonfly said on Aug 10, 2007....

  My eldest boy and I had a conversation about this very thing a week or so ago. When I divorced, he was about 10 and there were already issues between he and his Dad (bear in mind, this isn't his bio dad, but the only dad he knows). Anyway, my son issued the edict that I would absolutely NOT date anyone...ever. I of course did anyway, but by and large he was not aware of it because I always incorporated a date in the time frame of my doing something else as well. Anyway, he backed off eventually and said I could date, but I couldn't marry anyone. Anyway, he's now almost 19 and I was dropping him off at his place and I asked him why he had insisted that I wouldn't date. For a long time I thought it had something to do with the revolving door of 'fiance's' his dad had after the divorce (like 8 in four years). He said..it had nothing to do with dating, or having to deal with other people, it was simply because he didn't want to share. He went on to tell me he never liked sharing me with his sibs either (he has four) but it would have been stupid to have insisted on that. LOL. The nicest thing is that he told me he *still* didn't like sharing his time with me with anyone else.
   
  When I asked him about finding out that I had been dating my SO all along, he told me that because I always made time for just he and I, he didn't really feel any infringement on 'his' time because I was dating and it was fine.
   
  From how you described the conversation with your kidlet, it sounds like that's really her concern as well and not so much 'dating' per se. All in all, I suspect kids feel that way regardless of their family make up. Maybe it's verbalized more in single parent households because the entrance of a new person is more noticable, or because dating is a topic that doesn't come up in a two parent household, I don't know. I don't believe you have to give up your romantic life, in fact, I think in lieu of being able to demonstrate a healthy marraige, you can at least demonstrate how healthy adult relationships look.
   
  As long as she feels she is getting the time with you that she needs I'm willing to bet she'll come to understand that there are many aspects to you besides being a mother.
   
  As far as the topic of this poll, I am from a blended family where we simply didn't recognize the difference between adopted sibs or half sibs, my first husband would not have been able to accept a ready made family, my second husband actively looked for one. I've done my fair share of dating and it really seems to boil down to personal preference. I don't see anything wrong with a man (or woman for that matter) simply not wanting a ready made family. It doesn't make me feel any less desirable to the opposite sex anymore than my being a brunette rather than a blonde. But I am very open about my having children so usually the men who have asked me out already know I'm a 'crowd'. In my experience, there are plenty of men who don't mind/care that I have children.

• gingersoul said on Aug 11, 2007....

  Zsu...no, you are not shallow at all...believe me. i am dealing with my daughter's stepmom and its enough for a lifetime....so its more than natural not wishing being entangled in such nasty and messy situations....

  Teal.....thank you for your long and interesting comment....

  I do know that my daughter is simply afraid she eventually will have to "share" me as she is now forced to "share' her father with his new family.

  She made it clear when she told me: "I so am tired of competing for my dad's attention with them".

  I know its difficult for her. But i am not telling i am going to date anymore ...i only wish to make her understand once for all that she doesn have to have the slightest doubt about me "sharing' her. That she is not going to be shared with anybody.

  Actually, I am proud and respect her for her being outspoken about it. i wish she could be the same in verbalize her needs to her father.

• winterflame said on Aug 25, 2007....

  I think a lot of people forget that divorce is a decision made by adults not the kids and in the process they feel they have lost any control over their enviroments. I have seen it many times with my own kids and their friends. I think the requests to a parent not to date comes from their need NOT to have their world changed.

  It is hard as a single parent to not want to connect with someone, date, have relationships. If you look at it from the kids stand point. Their worlds change evertime mom or dad brings someone new into their lives. The new relationship brings with it the fact that mom or dad's attentions start flowing in another direction then normal. They see the happiness, excitement, disappointments etc...

  When mom and dad were together all they had to deal with was their world. They didn't have deal with changes. I see that they go through the hurt and disappointment when this new person and or the families of the new person goes away. They loose someone from their lives and again they have no control over it when it happens. I think the request not to date is your daughter's way of saying she isnt ready to deal with the changes.

  I found it helped to go out when my children were with their dad. My personal life happened on the weekends they were at his house. Yes this can be limiting, but they felt more comfortable knowing they didnt have to worry about who, when and where other people would be around.

  Good luck with this 

• gingersoul said on Aug 25, 2007....

  Winterflame......thank you for stopping by and leavig this truthful comment.

  Yes, i agree with you.........the fear is to see their world changed again. And our parents's first instinct is trying to shield them as long as possible...but we have to protect ourself too against loneliness and melancholy...but it s something than can be done with balance and attention...

• dyingman said on Dec 07, 2007....

  Dear Gingersoul, My first instinct was to become defensive about not placing such value on "green". I'll instead tell a story. I worked at a company that had a very free spirited woman that I suspect bedded down half the team I was on. I only know of one but she was quite the firecracker and I got the feeling had I been single her flirting might have been even more intense. One night, I'm not sure if it was deliberate, but she'd turned up the heat a little and I might have sensed a come on. Perhaps she was testing my resolve, maybe she wanted to take me out for a spin. I don't know. I subtly avoided her company for a little while because I feared the moment of weakness some husbands get around women like her. This fear of unhealthy entanglements is all it takes to avoid a tempting love interest whether it be a saucy, spicy sex kitten like my old colleague or a sweet demure girl-next-door single mom. Both present complications that struck me in excess of comparable benefits to other life choices. It is highly selfish of me to seek maximum benefits of a relationship for myself. The risk of involving myself in the life of another man's children is a disadvantage that must, in my own craven mind be offset by something powerfully attractive. Yes. Rather than become defensive, I shall confess my selfish nature. I can only admire the men that see a woman's child as an additional opportunity with whom express their love. I have my own generous side, but intimate familiar relationships is not an aspect I can boast.

• gingersoul said on Dec 09, 2007....

  Dyingman.....you have been honest and open....i am afraid the majority of men might think like you...after all how to blame you and others?

  I myself was thinking just yesterday that indeed i migth have a difficult time in adjusting with a man with kids...i know that being a responsible stepparent is not an easy task..and many people doesnt do it right ......many step in other people's pre-existent lives like a bull in a china shop...i am specifically talking about my daughter's stepmother..

  If i have to set her as an example...geez...

  But i stil hope that some man can be ready and willing to accept my daughter as my unseparable baggage....

  because if he will truly love me he will have to truly love her...

• RollingC said on Dec 09, 2007....

  Pssst....Ginger.....if he truly loves you he will truly love your daughter.  Even if he's totally rejected by her and she doesn't show love at all (like in my case) he can still instill a sense of respect in her by playing the father figure and living up to his responsibilities....even if in the end he is glad that when she moves out of the house.
  My stepdaughter just moved out a few months ago as soon as she turned 18.  It's not the fact of what she did but how she did it.  Basically the mom was too strict with her and she soooo wanted her freedom and her own life that she moved out but still shows disdain to her mom.
  As I'm strict with her (in the respect dept.) she doesn't show it to me so much as I'll not put up with it for I don't have her mother's patience but I'm glad that she's " learning " to live her life with her " freedom ".   It has actually given our marriage  the chance to  bond closer.
  Rc
  

• gingersoul said on Dec 09, 2007....

  Rolling.....i understand your position with your stepdaughter.....loving her but

  being happy to have a new chance to make your marriage work at

  a deeper level......i wish you all the luck....

  Its admirable that you have been loving her despite her reactions....its says a lot about you and how much you love her mother....you are a good stepfather...

• Racerboy said on Jan 03, 2008....

  If you won't date people that have kids then that pretty much rules out most of the single population over 30.  If I wouldn't date them, they most likely wouldn't date a guy with 2 boys?

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