note: this was originally written yesterday morning. i didn’t have a chance to finish it yesterday so am posting it today.
change is inevitable. some people fear change, while others relish it. myself, i’ve always been somewhere in the middle there: i embrace some changes while i am anxious about other changes. neither hidebound nor avant-garde, i like to think that i’m generally pretty middle of the pack in terms of how i usually view change.
changes in my daily routine are often changes that i don’t respond to well: i guess like most of us i too am a creature of habit. the daily, boring parts of my life are things i don’t, as a rule, want to be exciting b/c they’re just things i want to get through quickly, efficiently, to get to the stuff that matters. changes of other things (e.g., the 2008 presidential elections) are things to which i look forward: i won’t miss the bush administration, that’s for damned sure. :>
but the reason i’m talking about all of this, on the one year anniversary of this series is that there is a change in my life. the company for which i work is likely going to be defunct by november and they’re forced to reduce staff, including me: friday was my last day. the severance package is good, and i’ll be spending the rest of this week (after today) enjoying the freedom that comes from saying goodbye to something i didn’t really enjoy. as i said to someone else recently, professionalism and affection for my colleagues were all that kept me going—i’m pretty burn out. the hours sucked, as some of you may already be aware, and it wasn’t a job that made me particularly happy.
what’s funny though is that i was feeling wistful as i walked out the lobby that final time. i wasn’t feeling wistful about the job—on the contrary, as i said to a friend when we spoke about 15 minutes later, i was so happy to be gone that had there been no witnesses, i might’ve considered rubbing one out!—but rather, i was feeling wistful about…not feeling wistful about the job.
i felt free. and in spite of that joy, i still felt mildly guilty that freedom felt good. kinda stupid, i know, but hey, it’s the truth.
so i already know that i’ll take this week off (provided no other family emergencies arise) for myself and to enjoy all the things i haven’t had the time to enjoy, like this summer, and perhaps cut back on the time i spend here in the course of a day. on a personal note, it’s gonna be strange, never being the first commenter on people’s blog entries anymore. ah, well.
but all of this got me thinking about the burdens that weigh us all down, and what it might be like to be free of them. there’s an intrinsic tension between freedom, the ability to do whatever you like, and responsibility, which hems in the range of our possible actions.
responsibilities, obligations, duties…to friends, family, employers, employees, to our fellow man and woman…the list goes on and on. we know that as adults, we have these things we must accept. we tend to view adulthood as coming to terms with our responsibilities and handling them properly. but i find that the responsibilities that we feel are ones that we recognize and acknowledge. no matter how strenuous, if we feel it to be a responsibility, we shoulder it: it’s part of being an adult.
and something i’ve learned is that the weight of responsibility can be a heavy burden, so sometimes, it’s the responsible thing to set them down for a spell, to take a breather when you can, so you can ultimately go farther.
true freedom from our responsibilities and obligations is a pipedream: it’s impossible to live an adult life without those things. we feel our responsibilities keenly—sometimes, feel defined by them, maybe. heck, i know i do at times, when i lose focus of what’s important.
and to me, that’s what makes it so important to grab those times where you can put down your responsibilities for a little while. just for a little while, maybe.
so how often do you get a little freedom in your life? are you able to push aside your obligations and responsibilities for a little while, or do you struggle to find even five minutes of your day? or maybe you’re more or less free of responsibilities in your life? comment and let me know.
ed
silverwhisper posted on Aug 01, 2007
| views: 361
Comments
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kruuyai said on Aug 01, 2007....
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.... Ah, ed, I grapple with this concept on a daily basis. You know, I have no responsibilities or obligations (does that mean I'm not living an adult life?)... only freedom... vast, endless freedom, stretching out ahead of me, forever and ever, as far as I can see. And the freedom itself is sometimes oppressing. What do you do with a life when you can literally do almost anything you choose to do, almost anywhere you choose to do it.... but you cannot choose with whom you do it? -
rightwingwizard said on Aug 01, 2007....
Freedom is an odd thing really, isn't it?I have an over abundance of free time, yet I wouldn't consider myself free. Actually my freedom from the responsibility to an employer or client is quite oppressive. With each passing day the walls of my 'prison' seem closer, the air more stale. I can eat when and what I want. I can go when I want and come back when the mood strikes. I can sleep all day, or stay up all night without concern about missing some commitment. Yet I am in no wise free.To be sure, I have the freedom to choose the course of my day and I exercise that freedom, yet I remain a slave to the reality of my situation.rww -
beyondtheveil said on Aug 01, 2007....
Ed- You just wrote a post "On the nature of average" where you spoke of the efficient, the satisfactory. You were saying life is the journey, not the destination. Where life is to be enjoyed, not mulled through day by day. And you reminded people of that daily.
That job was making a part of your life efficient, and less than satisfactory.
In a way, I feel good for you now. It's a well deserved breather, a time to reflect on a new vocation that doesn't provide a humdrum existence for that part of your life. A time to give your wife and ideas more attention. With a good severance package it should give you the freedom, at least for a time, to do just that.
You are right that there is an intrinsic tension between freedom and responsibility. But the freedom to change responsibly has been dumped in your lap. You are right that we have responsibility and obligation, but what would we be without them? Without them we would have little of nothing.
I wish you well to take a step forward in your life, free from fear of your new found freedom. I wish you a vocation to be enjoyed.
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the_infernal_optimist said on Aug 01, 2007....
"Freedom, oh, freedom
Well, that's just some people talkin'..."
(The Eagles)
So true - but the illusion of freedom - the feeling that one is free - is important just the same.
My DH may very well leave his company before his contract is up in November, whether or not something better comes along (even the rats are jumping, mmk? not that he's rodent-like), so I imagine he'll be feeling something similar if/when that happens. He hates it there.
You've been some degree of burned out for a while now, and I'm very glad you have a chance to breathe and just be before you jump to the next thing along the way. I'll miss your almost omnipresent wit and heart, but I know you'll still be around here and there. :)
Stability without stagnation - I think that's what I want. I do feel walled in by my responsibilities sometimes. I'm under 25 with two small kids - believe me, freedom in the basic sense is a rare thing around here! I don't even get to choose when I eat or use the bathroom a lot of the time. I knew what I was getting myself into, and I don't regret it, but sometimes I do worry that there's not enough personal freedom in my life right now. (You already know all of this, I think.)
Then again, I've learned to create a sense of freedom in the things I can do. I do get to choose whether little one and I read or color, and I can squeeze in a five-minute soda break at some point during the day (or a ten-minute SC break ;-)).
My posts might be written over the course of several hours or typed one-handed with linebacker baby in my lap, but I get to post and enjoy the community here and at the mom board, etc, and my shower time is my major break from the world. When DH is home and I get that half hour to myself, there's nothing to interfere. It's my time to be alone with my thoughts, and it is invaluable. I feel free in the shower, as dumb as that sounds, and it's not just because of the birthday suit factor. :-D
I can't just walk away from my responsibilities, even for a brief time, but it'd be like putting down my shadow anyway. I live for the people who need me; it's who I am but it's not ALL of me. In a way, acceptance is a sort of freedom within itself.
What's next for you?
~Infernal
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Imladris said on Aug 01, 2007....
Enjoy your time off ed. What are you planning to do, when you've taken some time out, or haven't you thought about that yet?
I'd love to be free of employers, and be able to do what i wanted, but i think i'd just waste my time, i'd need to have some sort of goal to aim for or i'd just rot :-D
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kruuyai said on Aug 01, 2007....
rww: Sounds like we have some things in common. What is the reality of your situation? -
silverwhisper said on Aug 02, 2007....
kruu: surely you have responsibilities to your family, if nothing else? responsibilities to yourself, such as making sure you have lodging, food, etc? the right man will come along in time, kruu, and perhaps it may even be someone who's crossed your path already but is now ready to go with you down the itinerant route you prefer? o, and i have to admit i chuckled at seeing the joni mitchell lyric--when i have the time, i'll tell you why that's so funny to me. :>
rww: it sounds a lot to me like you're being crushed under the weight of many options, to be honest. i'll confess i'm quite curious re: the reality of your situation--it's something you've mentioned obliquely once or twice. ?
beyond: thank you. :> me, i think that we are more than our responsibilities and obligations--after all, we do have aspirations that transcend those things, no? it's those things for which i need to make more time in my life. my thanks for your well wishes, sir.
infernal: i admire your perspective, esp the line about not being able to put aside your responsibilities anymore than you could your shadow. i'll miss knowing what's going on at SC, but then again, a little distance is in order, probably. i intend to spend the time focusing on a job search and my writing--i need to whip a story into shape for a possible publisher. i saw that you posted an entry about being in the shower and i haven't yet had time to read it, unfortunately, but i'll get there as soon as i can.
imladris: i've had over half a year to think through how i'm doing this, happily. :> as i mentioned to infernal: splitting time on my job search as well as my writing. i'm curious what goals you've set for yourself. ?
ed -
boyzmom said on Aug 02, 2007....
I am free, I am free to choose to have an obligation to my children and to have an obligation to my employer. I am free from all the issues that could be haunting me right now because I learned that dealing with things and moving on gives me freedom. My mind and soul can be free anytime I want them to soar, but they have to come back to this body which could be a prison or it could be a temporary stop along the road. And like a caged bird, when I am caged, I will sing of better times when I had more freedom. -
kruuyai said on Aug 02, 2007....
ed: Joni Mitchell? I thought that was Janis Joplin. (Me & Bobby McGee.... but maybe Joni Mitchell wrote it?)
No, ed. I have no responsibilities to my family. I have virtually no contact with my family and no feelings of obligation toward them. And now, for the last two and a half years, I have no cats either. Making sure that I have lodging and food is only relevant as long as I'm alive, but it's not obligatory. No one else is going to suffer if I neglect to take care of those things.
Much as I fall into obsession from time to time, I don't believe that a man is going to (be able to) come along and change my life. I'm wandering because I have no roots, and rootless, I will die in one place. Only the winds of change can replenish me enough to keep me going. Either that, or settle down and get a cat. ;-)
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Mamie said on Aug 02, 2007....
hey there, well, this story explains some things that I was wondering...your notes on not being at sc so much (in other comments every once and again)...I was curious but just thought that I was not privy to some info that others were...anyways...congrats!!Congrats on your new road! As you know, Mr. Mamie and I have been on the job search merry -go-round the past two years and it can be a time of soul searching, and a time to clarify your hopes and dreams. I wish the best for you and Mrs. Silver...Seriously, I was way burned out leaving my job in May and only now feel as if my battery is recharged enough. I am happy for you that your pkg will allow some time for you to do the same...Won't say I'll miss you coz I know you will keep on writing....I have a feeling SC will still be a soft place to land for your story-telling self. Good luck! Go for it! Blessings on your courage as you step out into the unknown....best, Mamie -
beyondtheveil said on Aug 02, 2007....
Ed and kruu- I agree there is more to life than responsibility and obligation, but they seem crucial to me. In two parts of my life for several years I had neither and was something of a lost soul.
I admire both of you for creativity and spirit. And kruu, when you mentioned having things in common with rww, I know exactly what he is talking about from the general description. I was more or less forced to retire early and freedom does not equate to happiness, satisfaction, or opportunity, at least not for me.
Freedom without other aspects is a word like peace. Peaceful times can mean slavery, and so can freedom.
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kruuyai said on Aug 02, 2007....
beyond: You're absolutely right.. freedom does not equate to happiness. Freedom with a purpose...now that could be another story. Why is it so hard to find a purpose in life? -
Imladris said on Aug 02, 2007....
Unfortunately no goals yet, still can't make up my mind what i want, so till i do i'll just plod on at work :-( -
quietone said on Aug 02, 2007....
"born free" until the government takes over. Responsibility, obligations, and duties are something one chooses to bring into their life. Freedom I think is something one "feels" at any given moment in life. If I had the answer to why it is so hard to find purpose in life...I would have one. (a purpose).
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beyondtheveil said on Aug 02, 2007....
kruu- I believe if you asked numerous people about their purpose, they would mostly reflect on what became their purpose, such as children or their work, but not their original purpose, or to put another way, their dream.
I never had freedom with a purpose, because I never had original purpose. Can you fulfill freedom with a purpose without fulfilling a dream?
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kruuyai said on Aug 02, 2007....
beyond: oooooh! It must be getting late, because your words are starting to swim before my eyes. I think I'm going to have to come back to this one tomorrow to try and make sense of it. :) -
the_infernal_optimist said on Aug 02, 2007....
beyond: Never had it, or simply never stumbled upon what it was? ;-)
Ed: The shower post is just a nosy question - you haven't missed anything on my blog of late. You have plenty of more interesting/important things to be doing anyway. I'm glad you'll get to devote some of this time to your writing! :)
~Infernal
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silverwhisper said on Aug 03, 2007....
boyzmom: i am sorry that you feel trapped at times--that sense seems to be pretty clear in your comment.
kruu: no, you're right, it was janis joplin, not joni mitchell--my mistake. i didn't mean to suggest that a relationship was going to change your life. and i sense a certain tension in your comments about your family but am also certain that if you wanted to elaborate about that, you'd have done so.
mamie: thank you--i knew i was writing this blog entry and that i raised some questions w/ my comments here and there. as you can see, i'll still be here--just less often than i've been in the past. :>
beyond: you've always struck me as a man who feels his responsibilities keenly, and that's an admirable trait.
imladris: i'm sure you'll figure this out. :>
quietone: a lot of people have as their purpose the desire to be good parents. that's nothing to sneeze at, if you ask me. :>
infernal: i do take an interest in what my friends have to say, you know: that's always interesting and important to me. :p
ed -
the_infernal_optimist said on Aug 03, 2007....
And I didn't mean to imply that it wasn't (I know better ;-)) - just that you have other big things to be thinking about, and a random post on how people shower isn't exactly earth-shattering. ;-)
~Infernal
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silverwhisper said on Aug 03, 2007....
yes, but fun, and fun is perhaps underrated. :D
ed -
kruuyai said on Aug 04, 2007....
ed: okay, so now it's time to tell me why that janis joplin lyric was so funny. :) -
namechangedtoprotecttheguilty said on Aug 07, 2007....
It is my belief that so long as we live we can never be truely free of responsibilities. That is of course unless one happens to exist in some alternate plane where the only thing that matters is the self. Oh wait! That is the emerging reality on this plane, isn't it?I may have no obligation to my neighbors, but it is my responsibility as a human to exercise generosity with respect to them. I may no longer have any obligations with respect to my children, but it is my responsibility as a parent to continue to give as much as possible and to love unconditionally.guiltyascharged -
silverwhisper said on Jun 03, 2008....
kruu: sorry, never saw your question here. the janis joplin lyric is funny b/c when the mrs and i were in college, we took a class together on restoration-era literature. we had a new professor, his first year at my college.
at that time, the mrs and i were spending a lot of time listening to janis, to the point of singing along.
well, in class one day, the professor was trying to get us to see something in the text we were reading--i don't recall what text--and finished an observation by asking, "what is freedom, people?"
without missing a beat, i raised my hand and when he nodded, i replied, "just another word for nothing left to lose?"
that was a pretty fun day in class. :>
namechanged: i think that's perfectly reasonable.
ed