i just realize right now how hard it is to trust people.

you could just be friends with this certain person. and then you realize that this person just remembers you only when he or she needs something. such as a gory research paper which needs to be submitted. then they don't contact you at all to tell you how it went, nor to thank you for investing your time in something which was not supposed to be your responsibility but did only out of love and sincere attempts to help.

and sucker that i am for love and relationships that last, i tough it out, smile and pretend that i am not getting hurt at all, when deep inside i am really hurting and sad and feeling like i have invested myself in the wrong people. people who are users by nature and seem to have no heart in them to do something altruistic at all.

it's just so hard, investing in relationships and not really knowing whether that person you are talking to is a friend or a foe. you sometimes have to discover it the hard way, after all your secrets have been divulged or you have been bashed in one way or another. and it leaves you shattered, often with new walls which will keep you from having new and better relationships because you are already so afraid of the pain that opening up could cause.

now, if all people were more transparent in this world, things would probably have been less complicated. there will be no mind-reading sessions and guessing games which can easily be misinterpreted.

nothing in this world can compare to having authentic relationships or having at least one person who will really care for you in this crazy world.


my shrink called me slightly clinically depressed before.

but actually, i don't think the antidepressants will do me any good.

i feel like i just need to feel and experience real love. that is more than enough to cover up for everything else.