"I can run faster scared. . ."

I lost my best friend this week. No, she did not die. Thankful for that. She did not even have an accident or anything.. it was not like that. She is just the casualty of circumstances and my weakness. Physical, emotional, spiritual - weakness.

For several years I baked bread for her, in a cafe in Nolalu. And, it is a 'mom and pop' business... and because of the dynamics of the community. . and of my own life and story.. (she sighs heavily)... there were a number - actually, quite a few people who boycotted her business because I came to work there. That meant that she was dependant upon tourist traffic for about 75% of her business. "Tourist" as in visitors from out of country: Americans who cross the border. And the rest of her business came from people who made the trip out from town = ~ 1 hour drive.

Well, tourist trade has dropped by about 85+% over the past 3 or 4 years. Since 911. and the war in Iraq.

And, gas has gone from. . . 69cents per litre ... to..??$1.18.9 per litre. Not so many people drove from town: and that was when the gas hit 89 cents per litre. So... and also, most of the mills have shut down - so - there are lots of people with no new income right now. =no business.

So, she's a smart lady: been on top of it: she moved her business into town. We spent the months of... feb/march/april...? putting the new store together.

So, what happened was (she sighs again) she called me a couple of weeks ago, asked whether I would be willing to bake cinamin buns for a one week end do, out in Nolalu: for the Labor Day weekend :

it was supposed to be just a few biscuits and a round of 20 or 30 cin buns... nothing too strenuous: and she would help.

(I was "on hiatus" last year: did not bake. Her husband took over, and she ended up helping him... by about 60 or 75%...) but, I have definitely Not been baking as I did... just do NOT have that energy or desire. I have other things I want to do.

So then, she called me about a week ago: to confirm our weekend bake date for - next weekend. And, she was telling me, she would get me Thursday night (my vehicle is dead in the yard... has been for about 2 months)... and... we would sleep over in the Mercantile (it is a one hundred year old business timber wall construction: it took 9 years for her to evict the evil spirits... you know - ghosts.. from it)

... and then she went on to tell me... she wants 20 loaves of bread, 50 or 60 hamburger buns, same of dinner buns (we always did about half white/half wheat).... and 30 cinamin buns (as previously planned: but, now with all the other stuff to do too...) and, some butter tarts (= 24 or 48)... and some pies... (I always do my mixing and kneading by hand: it takes about 4 or 5 hours straight intense, to do this many bowls and batches ... of the bread alone. nevermind the butter tarts ... which are a whole other business)

oh, and she would be going to town on Friday while I baked, (and that means I do it all alone....)... and then, I would be staying over at a woman who lives up on whitefish lake's house... maybe come back home (to children and dogs and cats.. ) the next day...

and... ok - I know : I am used to the drill, and I understand the excitement and all of the changes... that is a strain: and it went down as just a subliminal strain: something I deal with all the time in all areas of my life.. natural. It took me a few days to realize though, that... this is not the Labor Day weekend coming... ??? But again - no big deal it is all understandable. And I have always been, and always will: be willing to help out in what ever way I can, when I can. I absolutely love this woman: and the perameters of the work load... have nothing to do with it, as far as how I feel toward her. It is a strain. And, this kitchen gets very hot: and I know that... I am just.. not quite as fresh for the challenges. lets say. So- what changed?

Well, . . . Sleeping Beauty gets awakened with a kiss,Right?

(Like I said before: this loss comes out of my weakness)

...I woke up on a wednesday?? morning: there was someone in the yard... I could hear the dogs greeting them. It was 2 men in caki shorts: MNR:ministry of Natural Resources; telling me that someone claimed to have seen my dog 'with a fawn in it's mouth'. shock - unbelief - doubt -.... despair. . .

wanted me to tie up dogs. Oh boy: now I get to deal with tangled frikin chains coated in dog shit being wrapped around my leg... and frikin dog jumping all over... getting loose,, . . . and here will come the humane society to get on my ass cause the chain is too short, or the chain is tangled or.. the dog tipped over his water... or the dog has to have food at his elbow 24/7 ... and you haven't got a $300 insulated dog house... and on and on and on (LIke the last round I went through.)

10 days later they come and give me a ticket for $180 for the original claim: which i am having a hard time believing because, I am home 24/7 , and every time I step out the door, I have to step over the dog: like, there is not one time when I look out and the dog is not right there...?? so- when is she chasing deer?

Plus, they were very short on specific details... said this happened down on Auto Road =3/4 mile away: at the least.

Problem is... dog has been limping around with a bad back all spring long - usually would not even go with me all the way to that road... would turn back and I would find her waiting for me at the house with an apologetic look on her...

but, she does chase cars. And, she makes them slow down. It is her thing, and, my getting mad at her for it means nothing to her.

If they had told me she was chasing cars: then, ok, you got me hands down... thankfully, she has not dragged any into the yard. But then, she has not drug any deer fawns, rabbits, or anything else into the yard either... except a.. some sort of a moose or something leg: sawed off at mid-calf = man kill... where they found that I do not know.

(Sorry this is taking so long - but - it is a pretty big adventure. hang in there) I told the officer that stray dogs were in my yard all the time (because: they are)... and he said I could call him, if a stray dog came in my yard. I am feeling a bit picked upon, because, between here and the nearest paved road... about 5 or 6 miles either direction: there are upwards of 150 dogs: and, very very few are chained or penned. You cannot walk or ride a bike without encountering them in the middle of the road.

Then, day or 2: stray dog appears in my yard. Rack of bones. exact same size as my dog (the one accused of having a fawn in its mouth).... same color back... slightly more black and tan, more of a shepherd terrier... box head... my dog is collee, husky, wolf looking (Two Socks: dances with wolves)....

All my cats disappear. Then, one fine +38 degrees afternoon: dog tries to kill my house cat. Pulls her down off of the 4 1/2 or 5 foot stoop... by the head... takes a few bites and claw scratches , is undeterred: snaps at my daughter when she tries to stop him... she shouts for me,"THat DOG IS KILLING OUR CAT!!!" and I come running around the house: assess the situation: shout at dog- no responce he lunges, has cat by back loin in his jaws: I kick him right in the balls. He yelps, and the cat flies from the ground through the open door.... almost without touching anything inbetween./ / / /

I call the minister on the phone. NOt in. Talk to another one:

referred to O.P.P or Humane Society. Call Humane Society: "Do you live in an unorganized or organized township?"... ??? "If you live in an organized municipality we may be able to do something... they will have a contract with the city. Otherwise: we have no jurisdiction." Oh yeah??? then what the freaking hell were you doing... coming to my yard and taking the dogs that were chained up to keep them from chasing wild life... and now I am charged because I have free dogs... and this monster in my yard//// and I live half of the distance from your city....????!!!!%#@&!^!^&!(I am thinking this.... not verbalizing. I am too, tooo. . . enraged ... to speak.

Now we get to the "wakened with a kiss" part.

What I did not tell you is what I was doing out in the yard on a freaking +38+degree freaking day... getting sunstroke and dehydration... well, this... hmmmm . . . 70+ year old "gentleman" (she coughs)... I have the feeling I have no need to say more here. At least not for anyone who has ever been molested by one or another such creep.

"fixing" the downspouts. and the wheel barrow, and the chain saw... and the lawn mower.... and gonna paint my kitchen... take the burn marks off the wall in the living room where the halogen lit up like an olympic torch in the spring...

gonna "help me" mr. nice guy... tried to drag me into the woods...

well, I was looking for twine in the basement: we needed to tie down the trunk lid of his sports car: he was taking his step ladder home... and he had showed up every day for 4 or 5 since I first met him: one daughter helped him clean and paint a house, other daughter came with with lawn mower to do the grass... and he just kept coming back. day by day...

he cornered me by the freezer and was trying to get me to kiss him... trying to get his fucking tongue into my fuckin mouth... and I was so in shock.. on top of dehydration, exhaustion, heat exhaustion, shock of any one wanting to do any freaking thing for me at all.... and ... shit, I wish I had sacked the fucker right there!!

but I pushed him off... in my usual kind and tender manner...

then went somewhere to think about it, after getting him out of my freaking yard... oh, and he said he was going to be gone for a few days... had other work to do... be back on weekend or whatever..

next morning... 8:00 a.m. here he comes with chains and collars for the dogs.. my dogs... so I can call to get rid of the monster dog: who is still on my doorstep: I am biding my time, cause if I chase him away: then he will be for sure killing deer and anything that moves out in the bush...

Also, I assuaged my previous day's rage by saying..."I will wait: he is supposed to be in the office tomorrow.. I will talk to him then..." So, I call: and oh goodie: he answers. So, I tell him about the stray monster dog./..// and also mention that I have a feeling we might have the real fawn killing dog here.. you know... REALITY??

He asks me, "Are you inside the city limits?"....!!! where did we hear that one before??!... then goes on to explain that all he could really do was try to find the OWNER of the DOG... so he could tell them to keep thier dog under control..(and give them a $180 ticket too??hm? I suppose???? just guessing??).... now I am REALLY M A D. (I figure, that, if I had a 6 foot tall, 250 to 300 pound man standing behind my door with a rifle: the ministry guys would not be bothering me... like, that is the law here... and that. . . the point was not really whether wildlife was dying or not... they were refusing to come to get an animal which is OBVIOUSLY a KILLER... running LOOSE... but all they want to do is hand out tickets to people so they can get money.) Bite me if I am wrong.

My daughter tried to calm me down... as I was looking for my chopping mall: I was going to go kill that dog right now../..

so, she asked, and I told her what he had said. "WHere is his number?" she calls.... she explains, ... she listens....: "WHere the FUCXK did you get that FUCKING JOB YOU FUCKER!!!?!"

SO, I went next door: asked neighbor to come with gun. He said he would... he just had to wake up first. you know.

They came and got the dog. They whined about it... and I belittled their manhood in the best way I could think... I held back the f word as much as I could... but,.. it was getting kind of hard. .. you know...

oh, and, thankfully,,, the CAS (= children's aid worker) was there at the time... just happened to be... oh yes: I told you this was a pretty big adventure...

So, what the f does the children's Aid Society have to do with it??? Well, go figure: Single mother of 8: desperate poverty for 30 years... ongoing case... paperwork... not presently being charged... at least...same energy pretty well though, anyway... but, she helped me out. She borrowed my reading glasses and read the ticket (grey size -6 lettering on yellow paper)... so I could see where to check the box to dispute the charge in court.

...and she took a couple pictures of the dog for me.

so, after everybody and their dog leaves, I am... recovering.. and ... my mind and feelings are saying.."this is a bum-fuck city with bum fuck people in it. and my heart broke. And I thought about... how much sweating and pain I was going to go through to bake bread and cinamin buns for... WHO????

so, I called my friend. I told her, Sorry: I just can not do it. (after explaining as much as I could... barely coherent, a bit too loud: quite excited... energetic.. whatever..) and she said I could not lump everyone together... and, I said, "I just did."

... in my mind... the "good" people who let fuckers like the one that just advanced on me... and who support these fucking agencies with all their fucking rediculous shit assed fucking rules... and I am refering back again... to the fuck with his red truck and silver sports car who is EXACTLY like the fuck land lord slum lord Fucking PEDOPHILE who stalked me and my children for 15 fucking years.. .and fucked us over... and is still walking and DRIVING his 60 thousand dollar fucking truck.... FUCK THEM ALL.

well, she took it personally, said I was including her in the whole mix.. and gave me the brush off :"have a nice day" answer... her way of saying "Fuck you, and your karma... return to jail... we will just see whether god will do shit all for you... etc etc. etc...)

and I thought... wow... that is how much my friendship means? ok then. but I cannot do the baking... so, that is that.

I have a daughter who is 20 years old this year; and she has a boyfriend: and he is a sweet boy. I like him. and - he has a favorite saying. And that saying is, "I can run faster scared than you can mad."

I had an .. eventful week, this past week: and things got pretty intense and crazy.. as they often do - but,... I took a long walk alone ( = no dogs ) and I was mulling things over in my mind... the upsets and strained friendships etc. .. and I was thinking about "God". .. and people who think about Him..

(I was sweating bricks over the fall out with my friend... will god ever take care of me again??? you know.. all that..)

and people who think about talking to him,.. and having him listen... etc. and- the boy's phrase came into my mind. "I can run faster scared. . .." ; and I sort of laughed because, I thought about what god had to say in his scriptures about... who he hears, and when...

and the phrase took a new twist: and it came out like this: "I can cry louder in my pain, than you can in your piety."

The implication is plain: however pious anyone may think they are; how ever much any man, woman.;;; whoever thinks they are being listened to by god . . . if someone is crying ; then that is who God hears. He said so: he told the men of Israel: "My altar is filled with the tears of your women.. and when you pray to me...? I can't hear you. I hear them."

I was also thinking about John Lennon, and what it was with him... and I think that this was it: he was so fucking LOUD... everyone was SURE he was going to be heard by... some extra terrestrial.. or ... some body!!you know.. you just ... knew it. So, they had to shut him up. And now, the pain is that, as I live and breathe... john is in my mind and my thinking and doing.. all the time. ANd yet, whenever I came to my friend or anyone else ... with a song. . . with a story. . . they just let it drop to the floor... and I am suffocating in the silence.

I have been suffocating in that silence. I did not even know it. It was like I was asleep. Know what? Sleeping Beauty was awakened with a kiss.

So, that is my thought for this day: I can cry louder in my pain, than you can in your piety. I run faster scared, than you do mad. :)

and, for anyone who thinks they have god by the balls... look again buddy: you do not even have his earlobes. I can go on. I am ok. I can cry louder in my pain than you can in your piety. I run faster scared. . . .