I’ve sat here several times today trying to figure out what to write. And it’s not that I didn’t know WHAT to write, so much as I had no idea the best way to write it. In fact, this opening line here was redone at least ten times. Let me just start at the beginning, okay?
Yesterday, I made this really stupid post about having too many thoughts in my head. For the last several weeks, I’ve been preoccupied with something. And I know for a fact that anyone who has been reading this blog for more than a few days, will know exactly what I’ve been thinking about. Or at least you should! But I wrote the post as ambiguously and cryptically as possible. Which meant that it made little to no sense to anyone.
But then there was this very nice post by Infernal. It was a great idea, really. Song dedications to fellow Soulcasters. And in that post, a few people dedicated songs to me and Natalie. (Thank you.) But Mirrorimage posted a song for us to listen to. Wonderful choice of songs, by the way. It was all about a man asking a woman to marry him. Needless to say, this started a conversation. Suddenly, I was getting these looks from Natalie and she was asking me, “what do your friends know that I don’t know?” I tried to put her off and tell her it was just a song. It was sweet. But that didn’t mean anyone knew anything.
She teased me about this for a bit, and then she read my post that made no sense. Except that it made sense to her now. She knew what I was thinking about so much. And she kept telling me to just say it. But this was all rather joking. She was giving me a hard time. And I kind of begged her to please just stop. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. So she stopped talking. And then we logged off of this place, had a nice evening together just hanging out. And not another word was spoken about the marriage thing.
Then we went to bed and I was still thinking that she’d gotten selective amnesia. But I laid down next to her and she looks at me and asks, “so…is your brain freaking out because you think I’m going to say no?” She knows my history. She knows that I’ve done this before with very poor results. And in the past, I honestly thought I’d never have the courage to ask someone this question again. I really didn’t. But with Natalie? It’s not so scary. It’s easy, in fact. And I told her that I was not afraid she’d say no. I really wasn’t. But then she asked me what I was afraid of then.
Good question. Mostly I was just afraid that it was way too soon. Like insanely soon. But then she wondered if it was ME who thought it was too soon, or was I just worried that’s what everyone else in our lives would say. I had to tell the truth. It wasn’t me. I was afraid of everyone else. And then she wondered if I really cared what anyone thought. Wasn’t this our lives? Yes. It is. And I realized that even though I’ve vowed to be myself and not give a crap about what people think of me, those were empty words. I’m still terrified of people not accepting me or thinking I’m crazy or just plain delusional. And you know what? I can’t do that anymore! I really can’t. It IS my life. And I need to stop worrying what other people are going to think about the way I choose to live it.
And she asked me point blank whose opinion mattered more to me. Hers or everyone else in the world. Obviously I said it was her opinion. Of course that’s the only one that counts. And then she told me, “well, I don’t think it’s too soon…” Then she looked at me and said she was not trying to pressure me. She just wanted me to know how she felt. She was afraid that maybe I was confused about her feelings or what she might say to me if I asked. And she didn’t want THAT to be the reason I was stressing out. Then she told me, “whenever you do decide to do this, I’m gonna say yes.” And she said that wouldn’t change whether I asked her right now or in a year. But then she laughed and said if I waited much longer than a year, she might get antsy. Me too! I wasn’t going to wait a year.
In fact, I had this little idea in my head (but it kept changing). First, I planned to wait six months. Six months sounded like a reasonable time. Still soon by some standards, but not crazy. Then I realized that six months sounded too long. Lots of people didn’t wait that long, and everything worked out well for them. So I decided again to wait three months. That’s a little crazy still, but it was a good round number. Honestly, I only picked three months because of the article I read about some actress that I don’t even know, getting engaged after that amount of time. My reasoning skills are a little bizarre, granted, but this made some kind of sense to me.
But then as Natalie and I were talking about all of this, my mind changed again. She was sitting there telling me it wasn’t too soon. And she was going to say yes. Wow. That’s EXACTLY what I wanted to hear from someone. Anyone. That’s why I was going out of my mind. And the one person I didn’t think I could tell, was sitting there giving me the answers I needed. And she said to me, “I want to marry you someday, Kyle…” And I told her that we would do that. That’s all I want in this world right now. And then I wondered, “what am I waiting for?” We’re already talking about it. The cards are all on the table. And yet, I was very careful to avoid ASKING the question. But why shouldn’t I ask the question? Was I waiting for a better opening? Was I really going to take into account the opinions of my family and my friends and people who don’t even know me? Or was I going to listen to the woman I love and give her what she wanted?
I decided to go with option number three. I told her I had to get up and get a drink of water. My mouth was dry. And she asked me if I was freaking out and I told her no. I just needed water. Badly. She asked me to get her some too, and I said I would. But I didn’t go into the kitchen. I went into the spare room. The Man Room. That’s where I’d hidden the ring in a locked box. And before we moved, I turned all klepto and snagged a ring out of Natalie’s jewelry box when I was helping her pack stuff up. I needed to know her size. And I took that ring and my grandmother’s ring, and I took it to a jeweler. I’d picked this up last Wednesday evening on my way home from work.
So I had it all ready to go and until that very moment, I had no idea when I was going to give it to her. But now seemed like the time. And when I took it out of the locked box, I kept saying to myself, “are you really going to do this??” And I almost started laughing like a crazy person because I was just so shocked at what I was about to do. But I was happy about it. That’s why I wanted to laugh. It was like all of this joy was just spilling out of me, and even if it wasn’t FUNNY, I had to crack up. Does that make any sense? It was either laugh or cry, and I didn’t want to walk into the bedroom with tears in my eyes. A dorky smile was better.
So I walk in with this in my hand, only it was hidden behind my back. And she looked at me and asked me where the water was. I’d forgotten to get it, because I never intended to get it in the first place. But I told her I forgot her water, and would she like me to go get it? She said no. And she looked a little concerned for me, probably because I was grinning like a total dork and was just standing there. I didn’t get back into bed with her right away. And she asked me what I was doing.
Now, in my planning phase, I had it all set out that I’d take her someplace romantic. Like maybe the beach. And I’d tell her all about how much I loved her and also tell her about the story of the ring too. It was all up there in my head and I forgot every single bit of it. This wasn’t the beach either. It was our bedroom. None of this was how I pictured it would be, and somehow it still seemed perfect to me. And I started speaking, but my words were just completely stupid. I told her that despite what we’d been talking about, and the things we’d said to each other, I had not ASKED her anything. I wanted to make it clear to her that I never asked her any questions.
Of course, she seemed a little put off by that statement and I think I almost made her cry. Figures. That was SO not what I was aiming for. So I quickly whipped out the ring box and showed it to her and I said, “THIS is me asking…” And I think I said something like, “wanna marry me?” To be honest, I really don’t even remember the words that left my mouth because I felt like I was going to pass out. And then she did start crying. But it was good! And then she was laughing too and she said, “yes, yes, yes! Are you crazy? Of course it’s yes!” That was good. That was SO much better than the last time I did this. The last time, I just got, “are you crazy?” and nothing else good. So this was a very perfect moment for me!
And she loved the ring and asked me where I got it and how long I’d had it. So I told her the entire story. I wanted to tell her that FIRST, but it just didn’t work out like that. She was really moved by this. There were quite a lot of tears. (Even from me, because I couldn’t help it!) But then I told her that I was sort of disappointed that none of this was a surprise the way I planned it to be. I wanted her to be caught off guard and not have a clue what I was planning. This made her laugh and she said she’d never been more shocked by anything in her entire life. Yes, we were talking about this. But for me to pull out a ring? She had NO idea whatsoever. She thought she was being annoying by even bringing the subject up at all. Especially because I seemed so irritated when she kept teasing me. She was clueless that I already had a ring to give her.
Basically, mission accomplished! And if I’d waited to do it and lured her to the beach, she might have caught a clue about what was happening. But this way? She was totally in the dark. And that’s what I wanted! Hell, I shocked myself even. But I’m SO glad I did it. I don’t care if the world thinks we’re out of our minds. I know that this is right. And she knows it’s right. And that’s all that really matters to me. We’ll run off to Vegas if no one approves. Or Hawaii. I don’t care. As long as she’s with me in this, I’m a happy man.
With that said, as I type this out, our families don’t know yet. A few people here at Soulcast already know though. It’s funny how that happened, when the people in our actual lives don’t know yet. But in a roundabout way, this place is what prompted me to do this right now. If Natalie had not have seen that video and read my stupid thoughts, it wouldn’t have happened last night. But it would have happened. Eventually. And I decided that life is just too short to wait for what you want. If you win the lottery, you don’t wait a year to spend the money. You run right out and buy a sports car. Natalie is my sports car. I didn’t want to wait to have her.
So yeah…this is my news. And I was really afraid to post it up because I didn’t know what sort of reaction it would get. I’ve sat on this news all day long and it was killing me. But now it’s out there, and I just hope that everyone understands why I didn’t wait to do this. But hey, even if no one understands, I’m still doing it! We’re still doing it.
I love you Natalie…
Thank you for making my life perfect just by being in it.
-Kyle
