God, growing up I always blamed my dad for everything.  He was an alcoholic when I was a young child and I just assumed, maybe because my mother stayed at home with us, that she was the only one "wronged" in the relationship.  Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad, but I never wanted to experience what my mother went through with him.

Well now maybe it's the stereotypical, I'm the parent in the child/parent relationship, or maybe it's just that I've been on my own for so long that I can get to know my parents as individuals and to see things differently.  My dad has his faults ... we all do of course, but wow, my mother is such a negative and pessimistic person ... she's never happy with anything!!!

 

My parents got divorced a couple of years ago, after over 30 years in an unhappy marriage.  Yes, that was strange for me though no surprise ... my mom vowed to me as far back as I can remember that she'd leave him once my brother and I were out of the house.  It took her quite a few years after that, but I think they both pushed each other to it finally.

 

Anyway, I blamed my dad, once again, because he'd started drinking beer again.  But then, my dad came to visit and we spent time talking.  He has nothing bad to say about my mother - can't say the same for her.  But, what he does say speaks loud and clear to me.  My dad, over a year after their divorce, had started seeing this woman who owned a bar and restaurant in his town.  Well, he told me a story of how he went to the beach and found some whole sand dollars.  He brought one to her and she was so excited ... she showed everyone at the restaurant what my dad had brought to her ...

 

I didn't admit this to him but I immediately realized that my dad was a much simpler and more emotional man, when allowed to be, than my mother.  His story reminded me of many Christmases.  Each year my mother would give dad a list of what she wanted for Christmas.  He would then take my brother and I out shopping.  Though we didn't have much money growing up, he would make sure she got the biggest and best of everything on her list even if it meant he had to work more overtime.  Well, it was never good enough.  I remember one Christmas my mother asked for a microwave pan to cook bacon.  My dad knew nothing about these or about cooking, but he found the biggest one they sold and bought it for her.

Christmas morning we unwrapped all our presents together.  When my mom got to this one she asked, "Why the hell did you get me this one?"  or something to that effect.  "I only need the small one, not this!"  she said in a disgusted tone as if her Christmas list came with exact colors, dimensions, weights and everything.  I watched as my father's face dropped, but he bit his tongue and never said anything ... he never did.  In fact, my dad was a horrible communicator but I think looking back it was exacerbated by my mother's thoughtless and selfish reactions.

 

Anyway, so here I am "grown up".  I've now learned to tune my mother out.  It doesn't work one hundred percent, but when she starts bringing my moods down I either tell her that I love her but can't talk to her anymore, or I put one of my kids on the phone and leave the room.  Today for instance I asked her what she thought of a new blog I'd posted.  It is on life as a single mom.  It is focused on the positive ... stories that sometimes make me look foolish ... but everything is focused on living, laughing, and moving on.  Her comment was "I don't know why you'd do something like this?"

 

I pointed out to her that I majored in journalism and she used to encourage me to get back into my writing and asked her what was wrong with this.  She said, "Well, you've posted anonymously, but what if someone finds out it's you?!!!"  You'd think I'd written about robbing the elderly, stealing from the poor, and raping some blind, disabled person against their will!!!!  Anyway, my girls got on to speak to Grandma and I went off to make dinner and forget the ridiculous conversation.

 

I've even told her before that her negativity is a "downer" but she just is not aware or something ... anyway, don't get me wrong, I love my mother to death, but I do not want to be negative or to be brought down, so I now appreciate that there are times to talk to your mother and times to say "I love you" and hang up the phone!