In response to the demands of MissKruu............
Swooning in the South was a well developed an essential part of amunition utelized by Southern Belles. There are some essentials if the practitioner is going to practice this almost lost art.
#1.....It is very important to have a target in mind for the swoon. If one is lax in this department goodness knows what disasters could happen. Ideally the Object would come close to resembling Clarke Gable. He did turn out to be a bit of a lost cause once he uttered 'Frankly, Scarlett, I dont give a damn!' So be very careful about your choice of Object. MissMimi please note that Keith Urban is an acceptable Object and someone can pass on to mom that Oded will do.
#2....One must choose a select setting if the swoon is going to carry its full impact. The swooner should surround herself with magnolias and have mint juleps within reach. An alchohol induced swoon in a crowded bar doesnt have nearly the impact. It doesnt carry a lot of punch while mucking the barn. So be very fastidious about location. If your daddy doesnt own a southern plantation it might be wise to be looking for a more suitable daddy.
#3....The wearing of volumnous gowns with waists cinched to at least 13 inches is a definate contributing factor to carrying off an effective swoon. The gown should equally have an excellent view of cleavage. I understand that the more boob available for viewing the better. Use a little decorum with this as we dont want the Object to be so overwhelmed with the scenery that he isnt aware that the swoon has taken place.
#4....Climate is another factor. A decent swoon can only be credibly accomplished in extreme heat. The swooner should also be aware of recent climactical conditions. If there has recently been a major rain the effect of the swoon is somewhat dampened by landing in mud in case the Object misses the catch.
#5....A survey of the situation is also wise. The Object should not be surrounded by a group of other swains. Care should be taken that the Object is the only possible catcher. The potential swooner is well advised to recruit assistance from her dearest friends. They should be asked to herd other possible Objects away from the the main Object thus leaving him in a more vulnerable position.
#6....Care should be taken with diet in the days before a well planned swoon. Eating minimally if at all will enhance the credibility of the swoon. Gracefully swooning from lack of nourishment has an elegance all of its own. Caution with this. Over frequent swooning related to lack of nourishment is not encouraged.
#7....Careful measure of distance has great importance. Swooning is reduced to worthless if one carelessly lands in the lap of gramps in the rocker rather than the arms of the Object.
#8....Eye contact, if you can get the object to look upward from your amply displayed boobs, is a benefit. You must practice this. It takes great skill to get him to look at your eyes. The moment you realize he is looking directly at your eyes it is essential to begin a rapid fluttering. The timing of this is vital. You ll only have a split second before his gaze returns to his real area of interest.
#9....Use every bit of skill you have in directing your gracefull descent into his arms. If your aim is off at all you could end up in a less than dignified position with a bloodhound licking your face or other noticeable parts! Pay intense attention to this.
#10....Be very sure to allow all your weight to rest in his arms. When recovering in his grasp focus your eyes on his. If he s not looking in your eyes he really has earned an 'accidental' reflexive knee to the groin. That will definately get his attention although it may reduce his desire to continue on in any amorous activity for a few hours.
Use these methods with my blessing. Adding any overlooked tips and clues is welcome.
botoni posted on Jul 16, 2007
| views: 947
Comments
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evil_twin said on Jul 16, 2007....
This was hilarious! I'm sure many women will find this to be useful advice. Me? I just saw it was tagged boobs and I couldn't help but enter...why does this keep happening to me? I'm so very weak... :-P
-evil_twin LA
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botoni said on Jul 16, 2007....
LOL.....Evil_T. I couldnt resist that tag. Now that you are comfortably matched with Nursecutie this post really doesnt affect you but I suppose the guys could use it to realize the femine wiles that can be used against them in their innocence.....hehehe. Thanks for reading buddy. Hugs to Natalie. -
evil_twin said on Jul 16, 2007....
This was my favorite part: I understand that the more boob available for viewing the better
This is very true. Basically, once the boob has been spotted, gaining the swoon's interest is pretty simple after that. Yes, many of us have been led astray by that female tactic... :-P
-evil_twin LA
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gentlepie said on Jul 16, 2007....
hahaha! botoni this is great!! :) but we dont have boobs to display! you should write another one. swooning for gay men. yes? hehehe. -
fearing said on Jul 16, 2007....
Botoni - I'm bookmarking and will be back later. I have to get 'youngins' to bed. I saw your comment on another post that you might blog about this and curious as to what you have written. :-) -
MissMimi said on Jul 16, 2007....
LOL, Botty. I have indeed swooned, or nearly, over Keith Urban. In fact, I was part of a group swoon, and experienced a little tingle sent out over the audience. I would love to swoon for the delectable Mr. Urban in a one-on-one encounter, but I fear that should I allow him to catch my full weight, it would set off shock waves that would set off car alarms in the vicinity. More importantly, the very yummy Mr Urban would in all likelihood suffocate in my cleavage. *Sigh* -
botoni said on Jul 16, 2007....
Evil_T....I gotta confess I was thinking of Nursecutie and the cable guy during this post......
Gentlepie......Thank you. I ll have to work on an equivalency for gay men. I do have a few tricks up my pant leg that I might be willing to share.
fearing......I m looking forward to hearing your comments..... -
botoni said on Jul 16, 2007....
Lol MissMimi......the delictable Mr Urban (who happens to be in my bad books at the moment...but thats another story) has no idea what a priledge it would be to suffocate in your cleavage right beside that honey of a new tattoo! -
skald said on Jul 16, 2007....
No wonder i have really never swooned. i once fainted when i was 16 in a ship on the way back to my country. Was carried down into my bunk. Yes, but swooning I have never done. Don't live in the south don't ever suffer extreme heat. Luv. jo lol -
GrapeKoolaid said on Jul 16, 2007....
I see I have much to learn from you....
[takes notes]
It feels like I'm spying behind enemy lines...
[looks around himself]
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pickersplock said on Jul 16, 2007....
I needed a new hobby, thanks, botoni! -
boyzmom said on Jul 16, 2007....
Dang, it's 110 degrees here and I can't find an object to try this on! I've been daydreaming about George Clooney though! -
the_infernal_optimist said on Jul 16, 2007....
*falls off chair laughing*
That was great, botoni! Not so useful if I laugh too hard to take notes, though... ;-)
~Infernal
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nursecutie said on Jul 16, 2007....
OMG...this was very funny! And the comments? Kyle, you are such a boobie addict! ;) And botoni, my cable guy story inspired the boob part of this?? LOL!! I'm dying over that.....and blushing!
You are too funny :) I thought I had subscribed to you already but I hadn't :( Kyle told me I had to read this! I am subscribed now!
[hugs]
xxoo natalie xxoo
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Listener said on Jul 16, 2007....
Very interesting to say the lest. -
Lioness said on Jul 16, 2007....
Oh wow, botoni, looks like another fun pastime. hmmm... I wonder what Kruuyai will say about this.. I hope she get to test it. =) -
fearing said on Jul 16, 2007....
Bot - You'll have to do this in your head to make it work .......{using best overdone Scarlett voice} Why Botoni! How dare you tell such things on us poor little ladies! Say it isn't true! Why I would never do such a thing to entice a man! {flutters eye lashes with an impish grin} (Why does writing that make me want to start screaming "Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! I don't know nothing bout birthing no babies!" I just couldn't help myself.)
You should do a whole series on the South and it's charm. This type of thing is becoming scarce as hens teeth. I thought you told me you've lived in a small town in the south before. Whereabouts?
Bless your heart! (he he he)
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fearing said on Jul 16, 2007....
(still giggling)
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botoni said on Jul 16, 2007....
Skald....What with global warming and all perhaps we in the northern parts need to practice our swooning.
Grape....while traversing the areas of spydome would you please keep an eye for Boris and Natasha. They seem to be ominously absent.
Pickers....Do keep us posted on the hobby. It wont take long and we ll have a support group for swooners and swoonees. 'Weigh down upon the swoonee ribber....'
TIO.....falling off chairs hardly constitutes swooning but it is a move in the right direction.
Listener....Welcome to my blog. Looking forward to reading what you have to say when you get to saying it.
Lioness.....Looks to me like kruu is coming up with lots of her own ideas but I hope she can get a giggle.
Fearing....Lets see if I can do this....'How dayh ya ll tell such thangs about us po lil laydys! Wha A wou nt nevah do such a thang t entysssssse uh mayan!'.....Now that you mention there are three of us in the no baby birthing knowledge boat....You, me and good ol Butterfly. Hehehe....the small town was never in the south huns...it was way up north in Caynadu. But I do have a great love for the south and that drawul.....LOL.....'Bless your heart."...now how southern can ya get? -
the_infernal_optimist said on Jul 16, 2007....
What kills me is when my grandmother says something quite disparaging about somebody and then follows it up with "Bless his little heart" or something along those lines. Yeah, Grandma, you already said the bad part, too late to make up for it now! :-D
~Infernal
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fearing said on Jul 16, 2007....
Botoni - I'm laughing my behind off! I soooo wanted to type that out phonetically! You did a great job with it - "thang" and "entyssssse uh mayan". he he he!
Canada? How in the world did you get so good at the southern stuff that far north? I think you are a misplaced southerner for sure. You'll have to come visit and make mint juleps. We can find a magnolia tree to sit in while we sip them. Then we can eat cheese grits and drink mama's iced tea on the front porch swing. I love the drawl too and all the sayings that go with it. The story behind 'Bless your heart' is that you can say anything you want about anybody and it isn't considered mean as long as you say 'Bless their heart' after. For example "Did you meet Tammy Jo's new boyfriend? That boy is dumber 'n dirt.......bless his heart.". See? Takes the sting right out of that comment. :-)
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MissMimi said on Jul 16, 2007....
Botty, why is Keith Urban in your bad books? He's in mine too. He got married and didn't check with me first. The nerve.
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the_infernal_optimist said on Jul 16, 2007....
Ok, now I want grits. Thanks, fearing. :-p Ooooh, or hominy! Or cornbread...not cornCAKE...but that's a rant to take place in my own blog, methinks.
I agree - botoni was a Southerner in a past life or something. :-D
~Infernal
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fearing said on Jul 16, 2007....
@ Infernal - Put on your robe and fuzzy slippers, come on over and we'll make cornbread (the real kind), cheese grits, and fry up some fat back. I have a fresh pitcher of sweet tea.
Maybe Botoni was switched at birth with a Northerner?
-
kruuyai said on Jul 17, 2007....
Okay, here's my swooning checklist, folks:
#1. Got it. Well, at least got it narrowed down to three pirates. I guess Jolly Roger would come the closest to resembling Clark Gable (a very short Clark Gable). Pegleg, as I have mentioned elsewhere, is more of a long haired Radar O'Reilly with a bandana wrapped around his head, and Sinbad brings up visions of the Sherriff of Nottingham from Kevin Costner's Robin Hood, only better.
#2. I don't know about the availability of magnolias in this neck of the woods, but there's a ficus named Jemima in the corner near my futon. Since two mornings in a row, I stood up from bed and fell right over onto the futon, I can attest to the fact that it is a suitable landing spot for the fateful swoon. Anybody have a recipe for mint juleps? I've been looking for a new daddy for a long time, honey child.
#3. Oh, dear, botoni... what about us belles who couldn't come up with cleavage in a double-strength Wonder Bra? I shall have to rely on the thin gauze of my chemise to add the required mystical allure to my delicate, yet perky mounds with their magnificently jutting nipples... oh, dear...have I become indiscreet? I may have to swoon with embarrassment before the pirates arrive.
#4. Extreme heat is not a problem. It has been beastly in Prague these past days. If that doesn't do it, the climb to the crow's nest on the fourth floor should take care of things. I won't even have to call on my acting skills.
#5. Is it ever advisable to surround oneself with a variety of suitable swains? I'm still having trouble choosing between the three pirates. Perhaps I should let fate decide the outcome. My dear friends could make sure they are arranged in a symmetrical isosceles triangle around me, at suitable distances, of course. And if they all rush in to help at the same time, that triangle could turn into a quadrangle in no time, and all my dearest fantasies shall be realized. Yes, I do believe that's what I'll do. I will, my fair botoni, take your advice and have my dearest friends shoo all those other cleavage-touting hussies away from the scene... although, to tell the truth, I do believe my intended swains find themselves more compellingly driven to discover the secrets that lie within small packages.
#6. Can do. I'm down to one banana and some brown rice in the cupboard, and it's too hot to make the rice, so, this swoon should have an air of authenticity.
#7. Honey child, gramps won't even be invited to the ball! I've had enough of those elderly gents and their ever-perpetuating mid life crises. Yay, all men over 40 and all women under 30 shall hereby be banned from the great hootenanny.
#8. Ah must practice mah flutterin' (kruu makes note in diary)
#9. Would you recommend, oh wise botoni, the wearin' or the non-wearin' of ... how shall I put this... skivvies?
#10. I do believe I can find more compelling ways to divert his/their attention back to my eyes. I wouldn't want to have to put off the amorous activities any longer than necessary.
Wish me luck!
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DesertMermaid said on Jul 17, 2007....
Botoni, that was too good and mostly because of the way you say it, just hilarious ;)
I was a bit low and all but you changed my mood! -
silverwhisper said on Jul 17, 2007....
botoni, that was great! :D
ed -
jadestar said on Jul 17, 2007....
botoni you are fabulously, ingeniously funny!!!! Now I'm a Southern girl - but it's another kind of South (South Africa) . Here, the way to a man's heart is to be able to balance his beer bottle on your ample bosom. If, like me, & kruu, your bosom is not that ample, you may be able to impress him if you can open his beer bottle for him with your teeth. Swooning is not recommended as he will possibly assume, you are just making yourself available for him to wipe his feet on you.....hmmm, methinks we need a Southern overhaul here in the deep, deep, deepest South. -
Froggie_50 said on Jul 17, 2007....
Botoni: HOW DO YOU FIND SUCH ODD BUT INTERESTING POSTS TO WRITE ABOUT? -
botoni said on Jul 17, 2007....
TIO and Fearing....I love that wonderful "Bless his little heart" bit. It just wipes away any disparaging remark with a flick.
MissMimi.....Our luscious appearing Mr Urban publicly made some very nasty remarks about Canada, Bless his little heart.
Fearing.....Rumor has it that my father was a southern gentlemen who planted some seed North of the 49th. A connected rumor has it that he is now living in Florida with his 5th wife. By golly I beleive he s the marrying kind Bless his little heart, too.
Oh....and TIO and Fearing....mint julips, grits etc all sound wonderful. Anybody got a bit of gumbo with okra on and maybe a side of fiddleheads?
Desert.....Thank you.....I so love it when some of my silliness hauls someone out of the dumps.
Silver.....Awww shyuck! now I m blushin'. Thanks.
Jadestar....I do believe some of the forerunners to SA may also have settled in western Canada. A good woman with a set of beer bottle opening teeth and a fine hunting dog is a treasure. She gets bonus points if she can whip up a tasty meal from road kill. Thanks for laughing with me.
Froggie....I really wish I had an honest answer for the sources of my ramblings. It may have something to do with my mind being a set of fireworks heading off in all directions at once. Sometimes I have trouble following it around. -
botoni said on Jul 17, 2007....
Kruu......
#1...You obviously have it nailed.
#2....Watch out for Jemima the Ficus. She may be the hiding place for Boris and Natasha and those two can really mess up your plot by relaying information to the wrong camp.
#3....I really see no problem in this area. The true connisseur of boobs has a definate taste for the esthetics. Perky and jutting are high on the rating scale. Remember mass is overrated in the total scoring system. Truthfully a genuine admirer will only balk at inversion. You may quote me in that "A boob is a boob is a boob and there is nothing quite like a set."
#4....I m thrilled that there are natural habitat situations that will aid in this project.
#5....I do believe the converstion of isocolese triangles to cubes is a talent to be greatly admired. I trust the small packages the Three Pirates are interested in are not their own. If thats the case we ll have to head off for a parody on Pirates of Penzance. I ll need to look into references about silk pants if we end up pursuing that vein.
#6.....Brown rice and banana will definately do for this portion. Let me know when you re in the recovery stage and I ll get some peanut butter off to you to rebuild your energy.
#7.....Perhaps out of generousity and kindness a separate gathering can be arranged for the women under 30 and the men in mid-life crises. Maybe the Hugh Heffner Wannabee Social.
#8....You ll do well with the fluttering I m sure.
#9....Never skivvies hon. Pantaloons for formal occassions and commando if you really mean business.
#10...The Knee Knock is only to be used in drastic situations such as when the Object is to dense to get the point of all this faintin' and flutterin'.
Above all keep in mind that the persuit is the most enjoyable part of the game. I m sure you ll have it all fine tuned and ready to put into practice in no time. If swooning fails it may be necessary to move into the practices Jadestar has suggested. I d recommend breaking out the hunting knife and demonstrating your talents as a can opener. Thats a talent many men would admire. -
skald said on Jul 17, 2007....
Botoni. lol -
kruuyai said on Jul 17, 2007....
botoni: It was another beastly day in Prague, and I almost felt a genuine swoon coming on. Didn't quite make it, but I got the desired results, and I'll be posting about it in just a few minutes. If you want to get caught up, drop on by, after I post Setting Sail with Jolly Roger! And, as always, thank you for your wise and worldly tutelage, and I'll try to remember to bring a few cans along with me on my upcoming trip to demonstrate my talents to the oh-so-humpable Jolly Roger! -
uniquely-ironic said on Jul 17, 2007....
I spent a summer in the south and got a front row seat to an authentic swoon.
I have to hand it to them, southern girls have quite a rackett going on.
I had to stop, blink (twice) and shake my head before I could bring myself to believe it actually happened.
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botoni said on Jul 17, 2007....
Unique......So are you able to emulate that particular talent now or do you prefer just to observe? -
missunderstood1162 said on Jul 17, 2007....
Did someone just say perky and jutting? This is perfect "swoon weather" by the way.....by the way fanning oneself with one's hand or a piece of paper is also a good enhancer to the "swoon". Try it. -
uniquely-ironic said on Jul 18, 2007....
I have all the neccesary equipment and skills, just no enthusiasm or motivation. -
hotaka said on Jul 20, 2007....
Now what brought that on Bot buddy? Superbly written though. Thought of having it published in some local mag or newspaper?
I wonder, have you ever tried this yourself and if so, what did you do about the boobage? Or do I want to know the answer to the last question?
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botoni said on Jul 20, 2007....
Hot, my friend, I a moment of insanity sturck me. It came from some teasing with kruu really. Wow....I m impressed that you think it is actually publishable. Not even in my fantasy world have I tried it. As for cleavage....I m not even anxious to display plumbers butt. lol....thanks bud. -
botoni said on Jul 20, 2007....
MissUndies I m hoping for a post on flicking and fluttering. I havent developed those skills.
Unique.....at least you have them in reserve should the need arise. -
kpossible said on Jul 22, 2007....
I'm taking notes, just in case the need should arise. -
botoni said on Jul 22, 2007....
kpossible......Never hurts to have a secret weapon in the arsonell. -
Zayda said on Jul 24, 2007....
Botoni--I'm just now reading this. It was hysterical. Thank you for sharing a laugh or three or five or a dozen with us. :)
Comment on "On the nature of swooning....(with apologies to Silverwhisper)"
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