These are examples of what I am powerless over - things that I felt compelled to do regardles of the aftermath. They are supposed to be in chronological order but they are not... 1. going to California to see a 'boyfriend' who was not really a boyfriend. I knew he was dating somebody else, he did everything but tell me not to go out there, but I was so desperate for attention that I did anyway. I got there, he did have a girlfriend and I left feeling much worse than when I got there. 2. staying in abusive relationships - when i was in high school i continued to stay with this guy who was very demeaning - making comments about my body and making fun of me. I would feel hurt and sad but I would still want to be with him. 3. drug use - I would use drugs - i have smoked pot, tripped on acid, and had ecstacy. i used drugs to be accepted by 'friends' - i used drugs to escape reality, to cope. 4. eating - my father would beat me for not eating as a kid, now i overeat. it's not a grotesque type of pber eating - it's more like if i'm stressed out and just put the baby down for a nap - i'll sneak into the pantry and eat soemthing sweet - fruit snack, or grab a handful of almonds or sometimes a cake roll, or a nutty buddy, whatever I can just grab and throw in my mouth. i eat like that to comfort myself. 5. stalking boyfriend - i would follow this boyfriend around and then to check up on him i would touch the hood of his car to see if he had been out. I knew this was crazy behavior - but I couldn't stop it - this was obviously a control issue. i learned about control from my father who wanted to control everything, and i think I also do it because growing up so much was out of my control, there was so much happening to me that i felt i just had to take. 6. not asking for help. my father was very abusive towards me. there was a guy at the library who followed me around and I think he was going to try to molest me - i was in grade school - i could never come out and say i need help. i never saw my mother do it, so how could i have learned to do it myself. 7. picking on older sister in grade school - i am the youngest of 3. my sister also had it rough with teh same kinds of abuse from my father, but tehn she also had me to contend with. she had a crush on a boy and i would tell every one and just make fun of her. i feel so much remorse about that. at teh time i knew it was wrong, i knew that it was hurtful but i did it to feel better about myself. 8. skipping school - again, in an effort to be accepted by friends and be rebellious against my parents I would skip school all day long and hang out at the ake and drink beer with friends. 9. one night stands - more desperate attempts at acceptance 10. television - watching countless hours of television. growing up, my sister would take care of us, and we would watch tv all day long. it really became my primary caregiver, now i can verye asily get sucked in again. i have to make ita point to turn it off, leave it off. 11. affairs - i slept with married men. it made me feel as though i had won. if this married man slept with me then when i get married it won't happen to me because i can be both - the wife and teh mistress. (i know, it's utterly ridiculous) 12. friendships with destructive people - this is all about acceptance for me. i'll be anyones friend, i need to be liked by anyone. 13. trying to trap boyfriend bty getting pregnant. desperate need for love that i wan't getting from my parents. 14. my cousins - i have to feel superior and i do that by controlling their lives and telling them what to do because what they are doing is all wrong. it's all about my low self-worth. 15. cousin - locked him in the garage when i ha dto atke care of him - he was maybe 4/5 and iwoul dhear him scream and get so mad and i would just leave him there. 16. watching cable around my younger cousins. my father would watch movies with nudity in front of me, and i would feel weird and iwas doing the same thing to my cousins. 17. stole credit cards - i did this knowing itw as very wrong but i wanted to be liked, i wanted to be cool. 18. stealing money - same thing 19. living in denial - knowing of the craziness of my life but just denying it all, it's not really happening 20. procrastination - i'm not sure why i procrastinate - i don't know... 21. being cruel to other people - i just wanted to feel better about myself, so if I can make you cry I feel good. 22. debt - i buy lots of stuff, so help me out by clicking on the google ads. 5 that happen most recently - 19, 4, 6, 20, 10 Thanks for reading.