Shit! I didn't get a 2-minute warning from the computer and it shut down and took all mu writing so here I go trying to recreate what I had previously written...
No, really, life really is about fuckin', much to my dismay. God knows, I'm sick and tired of living in a world where the entire meaning of life is fuckin'. There's all this horseshit about lovin' God and serving your fellow man and seeking the higher good when for all practical purposes, they way we actually live our lives says it's all about fuckin'. God knows I'm really tired of coming up against this fact because I just don't want to be forced or coerced to live it but the whole damned world seems too stupid to see anything but fuckin'.
My first clue to this fact was my first kiss. All my friends were boys, except one, so my first kiss was actually rather traumatic because it came with the realization that I had just lost all my friends. From that point forward, boys were going to want to fuck. No more tag football, just friends, really. From there things just got worse...
Look at every conceivable social situation that exists. The one thing we really want to know above and beyond everything else is who's fuckin' who how and maybe why. Oh, yeah, we politely use "euphamisms" like are you married? (Are you fuckin'?) To whom? (This question gives a clue to whether you might still can fuck 'em even though they're already legally fuckin' someone else.) Got a boy/girlfriend? (How long has it been since he/she's had a fuck? Single? For how long? That Long?This one's really needin' a fuck. The next question is whether they do they 'nice girl/boy' fuck or some version of the nasty) There seems to be something really important about this fact that still just fuckin' evades me.
More evidence that life is all about fuckin': Dick and Jane have a really close friendship. They have for many months, perhaps even a year or two or more. Most people in their common social circle think Dick and Jane are fuckin' each other because they spend enough time together to qualify as fuckin' (each other). Then one day fairly deep into their relationship, someone reveals the true nature of their relationship to their common social circle who, for whatever, believe the evidence presented definitely says they're not fuckin' each other. And the conclusion is......? Well, it don't have to do with the nature of their relationship, it has to do with the nature of who they're fuckin': "They're in the closet". Yeah, that's right boys and girls, it's all about fuckin'. No one stopped to think that maybe THEY"RE NOT FUCKIN' ANYBODY AND THEY DON'T WANT TO. Maybe, just maybe, THAT was the actual convenience of their relationship. They actually WANTED to be ABSTINENT for whatever reason and the relationship enabled them to maintain that for a while and be socially acceptable at the same time BECAUSE we all KNOW life is about fuckin', right? No way these two chaps ain't fuckin' somebody. (Makes me wanna fuckin' scream.)
At this point, for some reason, an article I read about "workplace spouses" comes to mind. No, not literal spouses and not "nookie on the side" romances. "Workplace spouses" were actually just friendships formed between those of the opposite sex who didn't actually HAVE SEX. (they weren't fuckin' (each other)). In many cases they actually had spouses they were very devoted to and had no desire to cheat on them. The benefit of the workplace spouse arrangement, however, lie in the fact that it was based on mutual compatibility and friendship which had it's advantages when it came to helping each other advance in a competitive workplace. And yeah, I know, I hear all you skeptics, "Yeah right, they're fuckin." Sorry, but I take the position that, NO, THEY'RE ACTUALLY NOT! They're trying to survive in a world that overwhelmingly says they must be while they take advantage of the benefits the relationship they actually do have is giving them.
This very thought process is one of the reasons I grew to hate Jerry Cooley. I felt that fact very unfortunate because there was a lot about the man to like but he had two huge faults: (1) Life was really about fuckin, no ifs, ands, or buts and (2) The dumbass never heard anything but his own thoughts, no matter what you said to the mother-fucker. (That's not just a slur, the man really fucked his girlfriend's mother. Which, in certain circles, is oddly somehow supposed to be one of those special flaws that makes one genuinely a man???) Anyway...
I'm really getting tired of this game guys. And I'm really over the I-know-what-you-know-and know-that-you-know-what-I-know-and-know-that-you-know-what-I-know-that-you-know element of this whole fuckin' charade. I mean, what the hell just happened? Was someone trying to hook me up with JD based on a perceived common problem??? Was someone trying to break up me and JD based on the idea that I have an uncontrollable predilection to hurt men??? Get two things straight: Assuming the former, I don't form relationships on a foundation of a common problem. That's always a bad idea. I liked JD but he was far too young, and not just in numbers. We had a lot in common but in his growth process he's where I was at about his age and I know what choices he's going to face from that point forward. Not interested in hooking up with anyone who might not freely make that choice in the direction I did because they're not ready to have the same understanding of the world I have. If the latter is true, well, you people really are fucked up and at this point I might mention that I'n tired of living in a world where the whole god-damned picture is seen through the spectacles of a pair of balls draped across the bridge of our collective noses. Don't see the world that way. WONT see the world that way.
You know what... it's time for you guys to go to 12-steppin' hell, I'm outta here tomorrow. I'm tired of not being heard, tired of being told it ain't gonna happen, if the only way I can get my damn needs met is to leave then I guess I'll have to leave. I REALLY WISH YOU MOTHER FUCKERS WOULD JUST HEAR THE FACT THAT I WANT TO BE LEFT THE HELL ALONE. DON'T WANT TO FUCK NOBODY RIGHT NOW. I actually LIKE my life alone. As much as I'd like to like people, they just give me way to many fuckin' reasons not to.
And the crazy bitch that's been hanging around? Get the idea she ain't so crazy but it was a really good act. A lot like the bitch at Captain Crawford's house. I'd go into detail about what I think gave it away but I'd rather not.
Got news for ya, you can't wear me down into what you want me to be. I really will die first and that ain't no cry for help, it's a declaration of what I value most.
Fuck You,
BYE.
