Yesterday I was at a party which my mother also attended.
It was quite a pleasant affair despite the torrential downpour that made it the wettest bbq I've ever attended and I managed to avoid any conversations with my mother about last weekend's conversations for which I was grateful.
It is no secret that I colour my hair and have done for some time since genetics has left me with the greying hair so prominent in the female line in my family, but for the most part I don't let it bother me and once the grey is uniformly spread rather than being in once large patch I intend to phase out the colouring.
But yesterday I was embarrassed, publicly so, by my mother who lent over to where I was sitting on a cushion on the floor, began poking around in my hair and said very loudly over the music that was playing, "I had no idea your grey was so bad!"
Every head in the garden turned to look at me with many of the younger women there gasping as I shot up from the ground snapping at her to leave me alone. I didn't know where to turn as the flush rushed to my face and instead quietly walked away to hide my humiliation as the conversation gradually returned to more mundane things.
I know I'm getting older and greyer and less attractive (not that I've ever considered myself so) but did she have to humiliate me so?
Alyss posted on Jul 01, 2007
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Comments
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sweet_cookie01 said on Jul 01, 2007....
hi alyss.. i am sorry you felt embarassed with what you mom did, maybe i would too if i was in your position...but i dont find grey hair unattractive, i was only 15 when i started having grey hair and through the years it has gotten so badly that i had to color my hair every other month... sometimes i let it grow and i find it a bit funny when i see the expression of some friends in their faces and say... wow you have grey hair!...for me its something that is making me unique.... -
Artemis223 said on Jul 01, 2007....
Hi Alyss -This was totally tactless and insensitive. -
Artemis223 said on Jul 01, 2007....
Don't know what happened to the rest of my comment - LOL - but I said that some people point out others imperfections due to their own insecurity. Grey hair doesn't make you unattractive. Color it if you like it that way and try not to be embarrassed by someone else's rude comments and insensitivity, even though its a whole lot tougher to do that when it's your mum! -
carmachu said on Jul 01, 2007....
Yes she does sadly. Thats how she is. She demands respect and doesnt give any.
That is your mother. Sadly. She builds herslf up by tearing you and anyone else down.
I got no other thoughts on her....
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sweetsoul said on Jul 01, 2007....
Alyss...I'm a firm believer that we can love our parents without liking them. The love usually comes, though not always, by virtue of them being our parent. Whether we like them comes from who they are and how they treat us.
I'm from the old school that parents get respect, for their position, frankly whether they've earned it or not. Having said that though, they only get respect as a person, if they've earned it...and it's that second respect that is much more all encompassing.
Alyss..no one...and I mean no one...has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. I don't care if she's your Mom or not.
Unfortunately you don't have in your power to change her...only you. So it's your choice what you do. Continue to let her belittle and humiliate you and take it. Develop a thicker skin so it rolls off your back and doesn't hurt you. Speak up and politely, tactfully tell her that her comment/action wasn't acceptable/appropriate. Distance yourself from her. Talk to her in private telling her you are no longer prepared to quietly accept her putting you down and that if she's unable to stop it, you'll be forced to 'fill in the blank for what you've decided'. That's about all you can do. It's up to you...
People get the respect they earn. Applies to us too. They can't walk over you unless you're lying down.
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silverwhisper said on Jul 01, 2007....
"i had no idea you were so inconsiderate, rude and cruel" is the rejoinder that leaps immediately to my mind. "and i had no idea you were such a contemptible creature" also comes to mind. or a sharp slap across the face, to be perfectly honest.
but none of those things are things you would say or do.
i really think you need to confront her about her inexcusable and unacceptable behavior.
just b/c she's your mother does not give her irrevocable license for all behaviors.
ed -
beyondtheveil said on Jul 01, 2007....
alyss- It is really difficult to decide how to react in situations like this with with friends and others present. However it is good you did not make a scene, that would have been worse.
You did ok by walking away. However, getting up and saying "what could possibly be bad with someone having grey in their hair" would be good. Then say what you want to her in private.
I have a feeling things like this from her aren't going to stop. I think sweetsoul is right in telling her you will no longer accept behavior like this from her. And if it means distancing yourself from her, so be it.
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Alyss said on Jul 01, 2007....
sweetcookie, as I said I don't find it so bad. It's been many, many years now since I got my first grey hair and were it to be uniformly spread wouldn't bother with the hair colour but it's not. It's basically the whole of my crown and top of my head so I'd be like neapolitan icecream (layered) without the colour. ;-)
artemis, I was just surprised by her rudeness. If I ask I expect I'll be told she was surprised and hadn't realised how it had spread and she didn't mean to be rude but I don't feel like asking.
carm, tbh I don't think she did it deliberately. I think she just said the first thing that popped into her head without giving any thought to the circumstances or how it might be received by me. And I have to wonder whether there isn't something going on with her for her to be so unpleasant to me.
sweetsoul I respect her for being my mum and I respect her for all the things she has done for me during my life but right now I don't particularly like her behaviour. Love her yes but like not really. I tell my own children that respect is earned and that it is still possible to love someone even if you don't like their behaviour.
As for letting her walk over me, that I'm afraid I have always done and am finding it a challenge to stand up to her as when I do it only gets worse. At least I am beginning to have an understanding of why my self confidence has always been so poor and why I automatically accept blame for everything even when it is not my blame to take.
ed, confronting her won't help. It'll just make it worse. She won't hear, won't listen and turn it all around so I am the one at fault. It's what she does. I am trying very, very hard not to be like her with my own children but I do worry that it is so deeply ingrained that I parent just like she does.
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silverwhisper said on Jul 01, 2007....
honestly, alyss, if that sort of unacceptable behavior is routine, i would question the wisdom of inflicting the presence of such a person on your children.
and i sincerely doubt you're going to do anything remotely like that, alyss.
ed -
Mamie said on Jul 01, 2007....
Alyss, I am mortified for you!! First of all, coloring your hair is not something to be ashamed of! We all do it if we want to!!Secondly, if it will make you feel better....last week, my mom, niece and I went out for lunch and my mom asked my niece (who has a hormone/stunted growth health issue)...have you gotten any taller since I have seen you last? Is your little sister now taller than you?My mom was lucky I did not kick her in the shins....tho I would have if I was sitting closer. -
carmachu said on Jul 01, 2007....
I disagree darling. It WAS intentional. You dont say something like that LOUD enough to be heard over loud music unintentional. I think you're excusing her behavior. -
Eilan said on Jul 01, 2007....
I like Ed's response, but I probably wouldn't have said anything, either. How tactless of her.
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sweetsoul said on Jul 01, 2007....
Alyss...there are many ways of standing up for yourself and they don't all entail fighting back or making a scene. I don't get the impression that you're the type of person who would want to or enjoy making a scene. It can be done quietly with tact but still getting your point across. Personally I find I get more respect when I do it quietly and with tact...you know that saying about when someone is ranting at you to lower your voice?...forces them to concentrate and helps to keep it from escalating.
Any ways, I'm sure you'll find a way of dealing with it that works for you.
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GrapeKoolaid said on Jul 01, 2007....
I think premature grey is sexy....
It's hawt!!!
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MissMimi said on Jul 01, 2007....
I can't say it any more eloquently than my friend sweetsoul did.Your mother does not have the right to publicly embarrass you. Shame on her, Alyss. I'm sorry you have to deal with this at a time when she should be offering you love and emotional support.P.S. IMO, Gray is sexy. -
blastfromthepast said on Jul 01, 2007....
Even mothers can be cursed with no class. -
boyzmom said on Jul 01, 2007....
She should be proud that you have learned to be a better person than her! Don't be one of those people that treat others badly because that's how you have been treated, and at some point you may have to confront your mother about how she talks to you and put a stop to it so your kids don't think it is okay to treat people that way. -
DesertMermaid said on Jul 01, 2007....
Alyss , i'm sorry that you had to go through this,its quite sad specially as it came from your mom. I too have a bit of grey hair and i'm only 19. But i'm very happy about it as i get a perfect excuse to change and try out hair colors every now and then. -
Expendable said on Jul 01, 2007....
You have to ask yourself if she's doing it deliberately. If the answer's yes, you have got a problem and should seek help. Professional help.
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Alyss said on Jul 02, 2007....
Perhaps I am excusing her behaviour, it wouldn't be the first time, but on this occasion I don't think it was deliberate. I think that because of her deafness (she's seriously deaf, a trait that goes with the Mallen streak) she over compensated for the general noise around her and that was why it was at full volume. Of course she didn't need to say it at all but...
Thanks for your support guys and gals.
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EvilTwin said on Jul 02, 2007....
Alyss love, you are beautiful. Gray hair makes no difference. I think I have more than my own fair share of that... But just know that I don't think that matters at all. Not one little bit.As for tact and subtlety...I don't think your mother was very tactful at all. I can't speculate as to what compelled her to behave so, but it is done and cannot be undone. Best to leave it be and not hold onto it. It is not worth being aggrivated, in my opinion...Gen Melin, my beautiful Alyss... -
uniquely-ironic said on Jul 02, 2007....
That was out of line. It is even worse since it is someone in your family to do something that would embarrass you. When you cool down you should have a talk with her (giving her the benefit of the doubt) about what is appropriate to talk to you about in public. *sigh* it would seem that the daughter is now parenting the mother. -
ellamae14 said on Jul 04, 2007....
My mom do that to me all the time. whenever there is company she will always be poking at my face and said out loud that my pimples are soo ugly and that they are big like boils. I know it's exaggeration because it's not as bad as the usual ones that anyone gets from time to time. I have breakouts whenever I'm stressed or lacks sleep. she always makes me feel ugly. -
boyzmom said on Jul 04, 2007....
ellamae- I wonder if your mom is insecure and trying to make you look bad so they won't see how she looks, but actually people probably see how she is with you and probably believe she has a problem. Hope you don't let it make you feel bad! -
ellamae14 said on Jul 04, 2007....
My mom is an insecure person. she knows when to attack so she always get me down. I've told her off many times but she just keeps on doing it. Her own parents and siblings have messed her up so badly I don't think I can change her ways. It's a victim's attitude. it was done to her many times before so she's doing it to others. But i'm not giving up on her yet. She's generally a good mom only not good on my self esteem. -
Alyss said on Jul 05, 2007....
I'm beginning to think my mum might be displaying the early onset of dementia (or something) as she's just asked me for the third time about arrangements for this weekend and swore blind for the second time that it was the first time we'd discussed it. < concerned >
uniquely, I wish I could have that kind of conversation with her but I can't. It would be a disaster from the word go.
ellamae I am sorry your mum makes you feel that way.
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Daniel68 said on Jul 29, 2007....
I'm sorry your mom is like that. My sister is like that, she is about 250lbs and 5'4" but never hesitated to call me fat when I put on weight. She is just one of those people who goes through life judging others, but if people judge her back then they are rude and cruel.
For some people, sounds like your mom, making hurtful comments like that is just who they are.
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