• AlisonMarie19 said on Jun 17, 2007....

  I will give them a second chance unless I was completely repulsed. I have to have that spark too. My mom says that a spark can grow. I beg to differ. I think that there is an initial spark, and that can grow, but I don't think a spark can develop over time.
   
  If I feel a spark and he wants to see me again,  I'm all for it. Even if there is a spark and not a lot of commonality, I'll give him another chance, because I think that a spark is important. But if there's no spark and no commonality, I don't know what I'd do.  If there's no spark with a lot of commonality, I might try it again....
   
  I don't go on a lot of dates, so I'm not really the best person to answer this.
   
                         =(^-^)=

• mirrorimage said on Jun 17, 2007....

  Ali: Ok, that is what I have found. If there isn't the initial spark, there never seems to be one. I wondered if it was just me. I think other aspects of a relationship can develop the more time you spend with someone but not the spark.  

   

• kingcobra said on Jun 17, 2007....

  Mirror.............the first date's got to be perfect. Its gotta be heaven on earth!! 

• blastfromthepast said on Jun 17, 2007....

  I'm basing my comment on what occurred when I first met Hubby.  There was no 'spark', it was more like 'fireworks', and we're still enjoying the light show 16 years later.  Lucky me, eh?

• evil_twin said on Jun 17, 2007....

  I've been on a few dates where there wasn't any spark. The girls were perfectly nice, but there just wasn't any chemistry. Usually, I don't go back for more. And on the few occasions that I have decided to give them another chance, nothing changes.
  
  So I really do think that having that initial 'spark' is necessary. Sometimes it's not enough just to have things in common. If you don't wanna jump their bones instantly, then all you really have is a good friend. In my experience, that spark doesn't usually develop later on, if it's not there right off the bat.
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• Eilan said on Jun 17, 2007....

  The first time my husband and I met face-to-face wasn't technically a "date."  I was teaching and it was final exam week .  My college happened to be almost halfway between where the two of us lived, so he stopped by to see me before one of my exams.
  
  I was very nervous and talked a mile a minute, and afterward, I figured he'd never want to see me again.  I was relieved to find an email from him when I got home that evening!
  
  Subsequent meetings were much better.
  

• gingersoul said on Jun 17, 2007....

  Mirror........when you never stop talking and laughing and the date doesnt have a single awkward moment...no rapid glances to the watch, no frequent visits to the restroom, no second doubt about what you could have done better ..(no wondering if you fed the dog)......well, a second date will be accepted in a heartbeat....

  But if there is all of the above but no chemistry, no butterflies in the stomach, no sexual connections i would decline another date. It doesn't mean he is ugly or boring or stinky...it just didn't give me shivers....

  but he could be a great friend so i would definetely keep in touch...

  For my experience if i dont feel the sparks during the very first meeting..its really difficult i would feel it later......... 

• moonriver said on Jun 17, 2007....

  moonriver k'ung fu-tzu a promiscuous man date-wise, me look at 2nd, 3rd, nth date as no big deal. if she ask for another date, then another, me indulge her most of the time. big deal though if me bring her to hot dog stand for quickie snack, steak bistro for night of red wine, or imperial suite inside forbidden city where we explore zen paths to heavenly gates. me think it depends on her feet, very important consideration.
  
  

• mirrorimage said on Jun 17, 2007....

  king: wow...that's a lot of pressure. lol

  blast: lucky you is right!!! I would have stuck around with fireworks as well!! lol

  E.T.: You are so right when you say "all you really have is a good friend". I think that is very true. I don't think it is something that happens later on either....it never has for me at least.

  Eilan: I chatter constantly when I am nervous... but I usually don't get a second chance! LOL Was it obvious to him that you were just nervous or did you email back and forth for awhile before following meetings? I wonder if that helps?

  GS: I think awkward moments kills it for me... I try to think of something to say but it always ends up being something really odd or off the wall. And I just get a blank stare in return! lol...

• cursed2Bsexless said on Jun 17, 2007....

  ok well, how many of you have had that spark, but only to have it fizzle out quickly?

  I know I've met some that I am attracted to, have a spark on the first date and then it fizzles out the more I learn him.

  I think that by deciding just by the first date is not giving that person a real chance. 

  "The spark" that you refer to is said to be a chemical reaction in the brain.  Scientist say that it typically last for about 6-7 years before it fades and there is no more "spark."

  Its kind of funny because the average  relationship lasts 6-7 years.  

  I dont know how they could explain why some people last a lifetime,or 20 years like the other person but I would imagine that the true friendship that they have would account for alot,  not to mention the hard work they have put into the relationship, the devotion, the willingness to change and grow with one another over time.

   

  Give it atleast another try or be a honest  friend with them for a minute and see what happens.

• gingersoul said on Jun 17, 2007....

  Cursed.......actually, i have been married with a man more than the double of the time you refer to......and when we met i can assure you i had my stomach butteflies and the shivers. And the sparks lasted for a long time.......so for me the theory is completely proved...

  And this spark thingie happened with all my previous relationships too...

• Eilan said on Jun 17, 2007....

  Yeah, it was obvious to him that I was nervous because the next day he jokingly mentioned it to some co-workers who knew that we were meeting face-to-face for the first time.
  
  We had emailed for about a month beforehand.  I think I was mostly nervous because I'd never met an online friend in person before.
  

• evil_twin said on Jun 17, 2007....

  cursed, I totally get what you're saying there. But I still think spark is important. If you don't have that at the beginning, the whole relationship is pretty bland. You'd have a much better chance of standing the test of time if you DID have that chemistry together. Of course, the friendship part and common life goals are also important too. You really need it all in order to have a complete relationship. Spark might fade a little with time, but if it was never there at all, you'd be missing out on one of the best parts of the relationship process, IMO. And if you start to lose it, you can always try to get it back. If it was never there, its hopeless. It won't develop ten years later.
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• Daniel68 said on Jun 17, 2007....

  I don't know how to generate a spark, I just know it when I see it. I try and make them laugh, show honesty and respect - but sometimes it's just... bleh.
  
  I usually give it the entire date, then make up my mind If I don't find them attractive, I see if there is something great about them. But lately, dates have been poor, and so I am stopping for awhile.
  
  My ex and I had a spark. I miss that.
  

• mirrorimage said on Jun 18, 2007....

  cursed: Do you think there are ways to keep the spark throughout a relationship?

  GS: i forget that you were married for so long :)

  Eilan: I would be nervous about that too. I think the other person knowing that helps in a situation like that... if i know someone is nervous, i wouldn't count them out based on the first encounter.

  E.T.: agreed...

  Daniel: most people have one quality about them that stands out.... for me, sometimes those qualities aren't high on my list of 'must haves' though and it does make it seem 'bleh' :)  

• PassionTraveler said on Jun 18, 2007....

  For me, the answer is summed up in one word. CHEMISTRY.
  
  Where romance is concerned, HE MUST SHARE CHEMISTRY WITH ME.
  
  I can say every physical, mental and emotional attribute I want in a man, and have him show up at my doorstep and there be absolutely no chemistry. Chemistry reigns.
  
  Unfortunately, chemistry just is. It can't be forced or faked and follows no societal or physical attribute standard, and we won't know if it's there or not until we meet.
  
  The fat bald guy has just as much of a chance with me as the successful stud if chemistry's there.
  
  That doesn't preclude developing a lack of chemistry into a quality friendship or activity partner. It just means romance likely won't happen. Chemistry reigns for any second date to proceed.
  
  PT
  

• Trinov said on Jun 18, 2007....

  Hi,
  My husband and I have, thank G-d, been married quite a while, and I believe that what keeps us together is that we have a bond on the soul level that goes beyond death and time, for we both remembered relationships together (independently) from previous lifetimes. So what made me interested in my husband was a feeling of recognition, of hey, I know this guy, and I want to be close with him.
   
  We had lots of ups and downs, we lived together and broke up, and got together again, and he tried other relationships in the interim, but eventually we got back together and got married.
   
  And the funny thing is that perhaps both of us felt more sexual 'sparks' with other people initially, where as what we felt, or I should say, what I felt, was a great longing to be with him, as if it were a homecoming. Not that there was no spark, for without the sexual chemistry you don't have that bodily desire that makes you a couple.
   
  As for dates, when I was in college I could tell in the first ten minutes if this date was for me or wasn't for me, and I'd suffer the whole evening, saying to myself, how soon can I ask him to take me home (those were different times). Finally, I made a rule I didn't regret: any first date would be for lunch only--for an hour is not too long and you have to eat anyway. This saved me and the guy a whole evening of boredom.
   
   (However, back in the StoneAge when I was young, guys liked to pursue girls who were cold to them, this was the game then, a kind of a case and capture thing. To me this game was a waste of time and I just said no, to offers of a second date)

• mirrorimage said on Jun 18, 2007....

  Hi PT: No chemistry can't be faked or forced... there have been some dates in the past where I have hoped for it and it just didn't happen. That has happened more often than having chemistry actually! lol

  Good morning Trinov: That is a very good point. It hasn't always been the strongest 'sexual spark' i have ever felt, at times it was just the longing to be with him. I think that made a difference in how the relationship developed and the level of intimacy that we shared. Those few times where that was the case, the relationship lasted much longer and was more comfortable for me.

• silverwhisper said on Jun 18, 2007....

  honestly, i've never been through the traditional dating process, so i haven't any idea!
  
  having said that, i would think that chemistry would be kinda necessary like passiontraveler mentioned.
  
  ed

• mirrorimage said on Jun 18, 2007....

  Ed: how did you get to know your wife?

  lucky13: I agree...personality is above looks. The man I dated before my husband was a little shorter than me, skinnier than me...quite the little dork and my friends and family could not understand what the attraction was.... but there was a very strong attraction....just more to his mind, his sense of humor and who the way he made me feel. It was one of the most intimate relationships I had ever had, even though he was probably the most physically unattractive partner I have had.

• silverwhisper said on Jun 18, 2007....

  MI: we were friends first.
  
  ed

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