And we all know that 13 is the unluckiest number of them all. Except maybe 14, which is just the devil incarnate. Apparently, he's come up with a list of 24 bullcrap fantasies about what he would do if he somehow cut a deal with Satan and became president.
What leads Norris to think about this? Apparently, he cites a glorious ass-kissing op/ed piece written by some woman named "Maralyn." I'm thinking it's that, combined with the pleadings of his office bitch "Ricky"--who, as I asserted before, apparently believes Chuck Norris ought to run for president, and probably said so during another ball-polishing session.
Not that there's anything inherently wrong with ball-polishing, but I'm sorry--I have serious issues with inter-co-worker daliances.
Moving on.
And, just to give my readers fair warning, this is where I'm about to get REALLY nasty...
In this ignorant piece of drivel, Norris advocates the following in so-called "campaign promises":
- Pimping exercise equipment
- Pimping his organized ass-kicking show on the Versus channel
- Advocating fisticuffs as a means of conflict resolution
- Picking on Bill Gates and Warren Buffett (look to your own motes, Norris!)
- Picking on Will Farrell (probably jealous 'cuz Farrell's funnier than he is)
- Sniffing his own butt
- Advocating "kick[ing] butt and ask[ing] questions later"
- Pimping his stupid books
- SELLING THE WHITE HOUSE TO AN F-ING CORPORATE PIG BASTARD (which totally is not funny, regardless of who the corporate pig bastard is)
- Picking on atheists, people who don't like Bill O'Reilly and wise-ass bloggers who disagree with Norris (i.e. yours truly)
- Bragging about his own merits
- Dissing David Letterman, Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien [sic?] (again, jealous 'cuz they're funnier than he is, and they get to be on TV more than he does--and with good reason)
- Dissing Al Gore and Michael Moore (not that I didn't expect it, but to what point and purpose? Besides being jealous of the attention that they're getting?)
- Picking on Rosie O'Donnell for some bullcrap reason--why the hell do you give a damn about her, Norris? You say she has an "anger problem" that going to church could "help" her with--is "anger" code for "lesbian" or something? Does that threaten you? 'Cuz if so, you're probably the first "man" who's ever voiced any problem whatsoever with lesbians (that I'm familiar with, anyway)...
- Generally being stupid or a dick, or some combination of both, but always a complete frickin' moron...
Cases in point:
Exhibit A) "Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day – or else they can't vote on anything."
Yeah, circumvent the voters and force the fat pigs to work out on an exercise machine in order for them to do the job they were elected to do--since the company that makes the machine in question is paying me fat-cash to advocate its widespread use. And how much more widespread can you get than Washington D.C.?
Granted, readers, I cannot vouch for the over-all health of our representatives--being that I'm not their doctor or health specialist--but I'm totally not down with a shady corporation like Total Gym getting government kick-backs of any stripe. Especially not without voter approval.
I've got a better idea--how about the President gets a total of FIVE signing statements per term? That way, he has to pick and choose which bills he or she applies them to before being forced to veto or sign.
Exhibit B) "Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office (why would I need them?)."
Because, as anyone who's read the Chuck Norris Facts knows, martial arts can totally deflect bullets.
Right.
Exhibit C) "Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too)."
Aside from my own personal fantasy about Bruce Lee coming back from the dead and kicking Norris' ass and saving us all, I smirk and shake my head and sigh, "Sure, Norris, real American of you--letting an immigrant do all of your work for you..."
Exhibit D) After turning the Rose Garden into a fighting ring, Norris' next "campaign promise" is to "Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden)."
No, let's not have Americans vote on whether to set up and fund universal healthcare. No, screw taxing all of the millionnaires, billionnaires and whatever's above those in this country--LET'S JUST MAKE TWO OF THE "LIBERAL" ONES FOOT THE BILL, THEMSELVES. Or have Chuck Norris threaten to kick their asses--ala "Your money or your life" highway robbers and movie thugs. Yeah, real mature, Norris. Real effing brilliant.
And once again, Norris, look to your own motes before pointing out others'. Since when have you ever given for the sake of giving--and not expected anything in return?
Exhibit E) "Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for "martial arts negotiations.""
Yeah, and I'm a frickin' Rockafeller [or however it's spelled--I don't have time to check right now]... This is one of several instances of Norris sniffing his own butt, boasting about his own superiority without any evidence, and making light of the serious clusterf--k that is Iraq.
Exhibit F) "Send an autographed photo of me and my horse (no dogs in my White House) to everyone who commits to read my new WorldNetDaily "presidential column" and blast a blog who dares to disagree with me."
So, not only does he diss dogs, and want people to continue paying attention to him, he'd also love to "blast a blog"--not many blogs, or all blogs, but a blog that "disagrees" with him--namely, me. Or at least I assume it's me And just because I'm calling him on his stupidity and sanctimonious bullcrap.
Ha. He wishes he could blast me. If he has a sense of honor--or even a sense of personal dignity or something resembling a sense of honor--he'll address me himself. Or call me out formally. Because the longer he goes without addressing the fact that I answered his question a couple weeks ago, only for his office bitch to try speaking on Norris' behalf--and not even very well--the stupider he's going to look for not addressing me as an intellectual adversary in the first place.
But then, maybe that's what he's going for. He doesn't give a rat's ass if he's a complete frickin moron--because it's probably all about this next example...
Exhibit G) "Replace Letterman, Leno or Conan once monthly, since stand-up comedy is what most governmental officials do anyway."
None of this is about leading the free world or trying to make things better. No. It's about Norris, and his own self-importance. He's so greedy for attention, he clearly states that he wants to usurp the place of popular people. He desperately desires to have a huge audience of people who kiss his ass for him and tell him he's great, awesome, funny...
Well, you're not, Norris. You got lucky in the late 70s and 80s--and it petered out in the 90s because people realized how fake you are. You're nothing now but a vapid attention-whore. Get over yourself. You're not great. You're not awesome. And you're not funny. Or not nearly as much as your soulless toadies have told you. Will Farrell, David Letterman, Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien have more talent in their toenail clippings than you could ever hope to have in your entire hairy, phugly body. Deal with it.
Readers, I'm not even going to go into the brainless boast about Norris personally going after Osama bin Laden, because that's simply an example of his being a stupid dick who hopes that saying such will make him seem badass, when he's not. But the last item on his presidential to-do list is this...
Exhibit H) "Make all Chuck Norris facts come true (well, not quite all of them – I'm a happily, married man!)"
To which I point, laugh uproariously and say, "This, from a 'man' who can't even get his own wife pregnant without a doctor's help!"
Yes, I went there. If Norris didn't want me to use that against him, he shouldn't have volunteered that information in his "article" about abortion. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I can be a cruel bastard--and, yes, I try to pull as few verbal punches as possible.
Verbal, because unlike Norris, I know and admit my physical limits. I'm not ashamed that I never pursued the fighting arts--because I don't think conflicts can be truly resolved through violence. Given the choice, I'd rather argue with someone than punch them. Because, in my view, the weakest people are the people who are so thin-skinned that they can't take disagreements with their personal point of view without threatening violence or actually committing acts of violence. Weak people would rather ignore their detractors and continue to think that everything is as it should be.
I don't give a rat's ass whether my readers agree with me or not. I'm writing all this because I have a personal intellectual vendetta against Norris. Whether or not other people feel the same is ultimately irrelevant--he may be famous and have a fan-base and a book-deal, but just because he's famous, it doesn't mean that other people are automatically required to like him, or agree with him, or kiss his ass, or polish his balls.
To his miniscule credit, there is one point of his that I can see a scrap of logic to--and that's concerning the discontinuation of presidential pardons. I'm pretty damn draconian when it comes to laws, and I don't think criminals connected in any way, shape or form with politics should ever be pardoned if convicted. As for the quote from Baretta, that wasn't necessary. As if any of his younger fans aren't going to ask themselves, "Who's Baretta and why should I care about her?"
In closing, he still feels that Newt Gingrich, whose political career might as well be dead and cremated, has what it takes to lead the free world. To which I reiterate--not gonna happen.
Not on my watch, anyway.
