I'm so sorry for being so grumpy today with my boyfriend. I just feel/felt (not sure if I still do or not) sad and stressful and many other emotions I doubt he, or anyone else, would understand. I don't know. I feel weird and sad in ways I just can't explain. I can't even define them myself.
Looking at the corny and sweet way my rommies talk to their loves ones did not help much neither. It just made me missed him so much today. It is weird. I guess I envied their happiness today. Not their happiness, I would feel terrible if that was what I envied, but I think it just was having him. After seing them this week was just depressing because I want to him you and give him zillions of kisses, and demonstrate him how much I love him... and I can't. He is far away from me and sometimes, or many, I feel so impotent to make him feel happy and that he actually has a girlfriend in his life that adores him and is so in love with him everyday that drives her nuts and that when she thinks about it she can't stop writing how much she cares and loves him and wants always the best for him.
I don't know. I just wish I give him something better of myself. Or just make him feel so happy he can't even believe it.
And then, tonight, after reading those so credible descriptions of our personalities in the stupid zodiac signs and the part where we are not a good match at all just put me down again. I don't believe much on those things, but I must admit that after reading those descriptions, which are pretty good descriptions of our traits, it is sad for me that even the "stars signs" believe we are "not mean to be together" because of our personalities. He even said it was not a good sign. Well, I know we were jsut playing around looking at those things..but still.
I won't continue because that would be kinda of killing myself a little bit more tonight. Suicide.
I really never thought that I could actually care about someone SO MUCH. And he does not have an idea how scare I feel loving him (if that is what that feeling is) this much. I did not know love could be so beautiful. AND SCARY. I did not. He is not the first guy I go out with, but the first one I love. He querido. Pero nunca amado, hasta ahora.
The other day my friend, after tell her a few things about why most problems came up and stuff, told me I did wrong in getting in this relationship. The thing is that he and his ex-g. broke up on May last year. They kept a very close friendship. We started dating on July 28 last year, although since i know him, (5years) we always flirt and once had a little thing. Because of what we had, and because I never stopped feeling something for him, I did not think it was bad for us to go out so soon after his break up. I did had a relationship also, but broke-up on March and was not into the guy anymore. He cheated. Go figure. So, going out with my old friend was just like a dream come true. Now, he, my bf, is really sweet and adorable. But until once that I saw some messages and things on his computers, was that I did not trust him as much anymore. And then, this year when he went to Europe he did not told me he was going all along with his ex, who is in Germany at the time studyign abroad and will be back in a few days. When I found out I was pissed off. All he told me was that he did not tell me because I would not understand. When I told him that I did not liek him or her calling each other the nick names they used to when they were together he got mad and told he knew her for a long time (they dated for two years) and was not going to change the way he called her. Or anyone else. When I told him of things that made me uncomfortable, he said I was just trying to be controlling.
I don't have much experience with serious relationships, all my relationships had been pretty bad. So I don't know if that is normal behavior or what. If it would not be because of that stupid close friendship he has with her we would not have much problems, and I would not feel so fking insecure and always afraid of beign cheated once again, or just another f-up relationship.
I know he does not like me talking to my ex's, or people I had a thing with. Well, because of my bad relationships I don't have many to talk to anyway. The only ex I talk to is one that practically begged me to forgive him and be his friend. And so I did after three months of begging ('Pa que sufra..lol). So, I now talk to him (my ex)--yet not the "dearly" way my bf talks to his ex. I once tried (in my mind because the words did not come outloud) it and felt uncomfortable, so I wonder how can he called her the name he used to, write at the end of the emails he write for her "love and kisses" or shit like that, etc., and not feel uncomfortable or feel he is not being irrespecful to me.
Back to what my friend told me, she said I did wrong in going to this relationship so soon at that time because for him it might had being more like a bonding thing (or a expresion like that used in English), that after being two years with his ex, it was impossible he would stop feeling something strong for her, and well, their strong relationship and way they treat each other is not a good sign.
I don't know. I don't think he does not love me, I just think he still loves the other as well. Or maybe just cares a lot for me and loves her. IDK. I guess things might change when she comes back from Germany and then I might know for once.
If he would not be so secretive about it, or answers her calls when I'm there, or even not called her sweet nicknames they used to, I would not feel so confused.
I love him so much, but just so afraid I'm blinding myself. Again, I don't have much expirience, so I don't know if that is they way ex's treat each other. My intuition is telling me something. I just can't hear it. I don't want to break up with someone that makes me feel so good when I'm with him.
Oh yea, he does not know that I know so much about his friendship with her. Go figure. In a month we will have a year. We will see what happends. I don't want to end something jsut because I think there is something else going on and not strong proof about it. Well, for my own sake I do hope there is not something else.
Oh, now I really do feel like a trapped butterfly.