Silverwhisper asked about my comming out experience in another post so here it is. Coming out is a very individual experience. For some its a momentuous event filled with drama, others are outted by circumstances and some like me just slide out mostly un-noticed and with no surprises for anyone.
I made small forays into the 'coming out' scene after my divorce. The first non-gay person I told was a workmate. His reaction was simply to say 'Why are you telling me?' He made a good point to me. My sexual orientation really had no bearing to him. It took me a little while to realize that not one of my straight friends had felt it necessary to actually discuss their orientation with me. Why did I think it was important for me to discuss mine with them?
Eventually I figured out that it had some importance to certain people. Before I really tackled that issue I was pastoring a gay positive church and was executive director of an AIDS foundation. I lived in an almost exclusively gay world. I was getting local media attention because of my careers. Although none of the interviews or items ever indicated my sexuality there was certainly a presumption. Family members were making calls to me on fishing expeditions. My aunts in particular dont believe in directly asking questions to satisfy their curiousity. Instead they choose to make insinuous remarks and mention how they are praying for the redemption of whichever neice or nephew is straying from the narrow path they ve chosen for us. I was getting a lot of those calls.
The crunch came when I was turned down an application to rent an apartment based on my sexuality. It was a very clear case of discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and was headed for province wide and possible nationwide coverage. With this looming on the very near horizon I felt it would be wisest to discuss the issues with my daughters. I was most concerned about one of my daughters who at the time was attending a very fundamentalist bible college. I worried about the pressures she might feel from the school and from her classmates.
Each of my daughters and I had a discusion on a one to one basis. All three of them were more concerned and angry with the landlord who had refused to rent to me than they were about my revelation to them. Initially there was a bit of discomfort for them but they soon realized that I had not changed in anyway. They simply had more information about me. In the fifteen years that have passed since then all three have married and now have families of their own. Once in awhile I sense a bit of opposition from one or the other of their husbands but in general they are supportive and open.
When I chose to enter into a same gender relationship with a huge age disparity I invited all my children, spouses and grandchildren to meet my new partner. We all went to lunch together and later spent the afternoon at the beach. We laughed, played in the sand, ate ice cream and had an evening bbq. My kids welcomed my new partner each in their own way. The grandchildren were enthralled with him. It was a very reassuring day for me.
The following Christmas all the children gathered at our home. Their mother and her husband joined us for Christmas dinner. Several friends were present as well. A nice intimate family dinner for forty some guests is always a pleasure. Everyone pitched in and the day ran with smoothness.
My employer is supportive of gay issues and I choose to reveal to all clients and their families. If there is discomfort on their part it is best that they know upfront. There have been client families who have chosen not to use my services because of my sexuality. That is their problem and their loss. There are relatives who reject me and others who are just fine. I m not at all uncomfortable about who I am. There are a few people who cross my life that have no need to know. I choose to share with them if they become close enough that it matters.
I rarely find anyone anymore who cares in anyway.
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botoni posted on Jun 10, 2007
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Comments
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silverwhisper said on Jun 10, 2007....
thank you, botoni. i'm always curious about the coming out experiences of gay men and women i encounter and when i feel sufficient comfort exists, i like to ask that question. but more than satisfying my curiosity, i'm glad to read this because i am glad that your family is on the whole supportive and accepts that this is an indelible part of who you are.
it's one of the least painful coming out stories i've ever read, and for this, i am grateful, botoni.
ed -
secretlife said on Jun 10, 2007....
botoni: i am glad this coming-out of yours seems to have been relatively pain free. it's so awkward to discuss your private sexuality with others. i mean when you're straight, do you walk up to your friends and say 'oh by the way i'm heterosexual'?i've had several friends 'come out' - and actually tell me that they're gay. all of them i already had a very good idea this was true, and it had no impact on me whatsoever. but i think it' makes the person coming out feel more comfortable and accepted...no big dark secrets to keep. -
queenparanoia said on Jun 11, 2007....
tito boti thanks for sharing you experience. its a nice read and now i feel like i understand you more. and yeah it their loss if they choose to judge you based on your sexual prefferences. we can't help it if people are narrow minded nowadays.. =) -
evil_twin said on Jun 11, 2007....
Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm just curious...you were married and had children. Was that a product of the time you were living in, and you just wanted to fit in and do what was expected of you? Did you know all along that you were gay, or was this something you realized only after you were married?
It's great that your children are so supportive of you. And whoever turned you down for a place to live is just beyond comprehension. Here in LA, I can't imagine that happening...though I'm sure maybe it does...
-evil_twin LA
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Artemis223 said on Jun 11, 2007....
I would hardly call this slithering, Bot - more like a gradual revealing, like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon.As someone who has had my own sexuality questioned on occaison because of my political views, where I used to work, my closest friends, etc., I love the way you illustrate that it often lacks relevance, though some people choose to intrude. My general policy is to avoid commenting.The other night, I overhead someone say I was a "lipstick lesbian." I had to call my men to find out what that meant. They nearly peed their pants. I only thought the lipstick part was funny ... if I am wearing makeup, you KNOW it is a special occaison, or perhaps I am in love - LOL.I am so glad your family is supportive, for the most part. It is a well-deserved acknowledgment of what a wonderful person you are ... the rest are just details. -
oneindepthsoul said on Jun 11, 2007....
I can relate to your situation. Except I was outted. I have no problem speaking about my sexuality to anybody who could handle it. Some of my friends and family find it a little hard to digest at times. In the beganing it bothered me but life is to short. It's funny at times how people do react about it. -
silverwhisper said on Jun 12, 2007....
oneindepth: i'm sorry to hear that you were outed--that really sucks.
ed -
gentlepie said on Jun 17, 2007....
hi botoni! tis my first virginal post in your blog. i thank you for sharing this personal experience to us; it made me happy just reading how your family accepted you and your partner. how i wish its the same with me. coming out for me has gone through levels. ive come out to very close friends but not to all; and i havent had the strength to tell my mom and sis about it. i know that somehow they feel i'm different but it just breaks my heart to tell them and see [potentially] disappointment in their faces. i know i have to, but right now i'm not just prepared to do it. i hope that someday i'll have the same peace of mind you are enjoying right now. best wishes to you and your partner!ciao,gentlepie -
botoni said on Jun 17, 2007....
Gentle....Welcome to my blog! You ve come a long way already baby! I m keenly aware that there is a huge cultural difference in attitudes in the Philippines compared to here. In case you havent pickedup...my former partner was a Filipino. Sharing with friends is a strong first step. I m behind you one hundred percent. A piece of advice....dont rush in comming out to family. You ll know when the time is right or even if its ever right. For me life is a lot easier being out but it isnt necessarily easy for everyone. -
gentlepie said on Jun 17, 2007....
yes i'm learning, thanks for that piece of advice! i have made a few friends who are totally ok with the idea, but i still dont want to come out to the rest. i just pick out people who are really close buddies. the family has to come later, if at all. -
skald said on Jul 06, 2007....
Thnak you Botoni. I am catching up with your posts now. I find this a wonderful post. -
skald said on Jul 06, 2007....
I
wanted to say so much more but as English is not my native language I could so very well say the wrong thing. I just wanted to say I see you for the person you are and I like the person. In which way people are sexually oriented has nothing to do with that. Has It? That is the pesons busyness and no ones else. Except his or her partners.
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