Loving me. It seems so easy..but it's so difficult for me to do. To embrace all of my perceived faults..to feel as though I'm not really worth all the time and attention... I was worried in the past that no one would ever love me. That they would get to know me..and see who I really was and that would be that...love no more. I want to be a strong woman..inside and out..to accept and embrace my quirks...to love myself for all I am. Can I do it? I don't know. I hope I can. I am working on each puzzle a piece at a time. I've come so far in the last few years...but it only serves as a reminder of how far I still need to go.

 

I strive for perfection in areas of my life that I can control. I am a full-time student..and I work hard ... but when I get a test back...and let's say it's 88% ... I'm not happy. If I get less than a 75% I'm devastated...it's difficult to navigate inside my twisted lil mind.

 

All of this brings me back to K. This is the only relationship I've been in that I am accepted fully..completely...when I'm with him..I feel so at peace...so complete...the missing puzzle piece.

When I first met him ... I was afraid to let him see me...the me I hide beneath the sarcasm..and the running away...when things get heavy..I either avoid it..or I run...K seemed so perfect...as if God had taken everything I'd ever wanted in a person and created K. He is one of the most compassionate people I know...he laughs at my jokes..he cares deeply for the welfare of others...and he works with homeless youth...he is committed to ensuring that every person is treated equally..He believes in human rights and doesn't just talk about it..he does something about it... I want to work in street nursing..so when I met K..I thought I'd died and gone to heaven...although he has expressed a desire to have a Jedi nativity scene..I still think he is pretty perfect... that scared the hell out of me. Here he was..a man I could not find fault with... a man who made me feel like no other man existed...a man who made me feel completely comfortable...and adored...a man who wouldn't let me run...any other time I "ran away" from a situation..the guy never stopped me. Not K. I ran, he would follow. The first time he told me he loved me...was so cute. We were on the phone..and he asked if I knew German..I don't. Not really. I know a few words..he's been learning German..so he tells me..-in German- that he thinks he loves me... and I started giggling because I knew what he was saying..and he was telling me..but not telling me at the same time... he was really embarassed when he realized that I knew what he meant...but I thought it was so sweet..and I knew I was in love..

 

It happened fairly quickly...and although I know..without doubt..that he is the man I am going to spend my life with. .. we are taking it slow. I have 2 years left until I get my degree...but it feels so ... easy... so right.. to make plans for our life together. There was a time that he couldn't even say the word engaged without choking...-he manages it better now- ... but we're waiting to become engaged...waiting until I'm done school...before K ... I  had a 10 year plan... -I still do..but I tweaked it- I was almost 26 when I went back to school...-more on that later..- and was planning to finish at 31...work for two years to pay my school debts ... go overseas for a year or two..to do some mission work...come back..settle down somewhere..and adopt children.. I don't want to have biological children unless I am married..so I always assumed I would adopt.. I never thought I'd find someone to spend my life with.. .I was so focused on my career and on school.. and I still am .. am still committed to making as many lives better as possible...but now I have someone to share it with. Amazing what a difference a year can make.