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Sometimes strong, sometimes not.

tazcat posted on Jun 06, 2007 | views: 163 | Tags: relationship, strength, love, security, relationships
Sometimes I feel strong.  Sometimes, I don't.  I feel like I have lost my foundation.
 
 
The counselor is right.  Communication is the key.  My husband and I are communicating much better now.  Tension is down and we are having a much more calm family-life now. 
 
However...
the smallest things make me so melencholoy (sp?) now.  I have good and bad days.  I am completely shaken by the idea that what I thought was stable is in flux.  The process, and the initial, shocking way that my husband informed me that he was unhappy (no infidelity, thank goodness!) 
 
 
I hope that he has enough love for me and enough faith in us to handle my periodic, unexplained sadness, and the fact that he has left me feeling so incredibly insecure.  Now, it might be unusual, but I mean INSECURE in the full meaning of the word (in that I felt "secured" before, much like a building is "secured" to the ground.  Now, I feel like a feather blowing in the wind, not "secured" down like I would prefer).  I hesitated to use the term "insecure" because of the other meanings of the word.  Perhaps my new lack of security in our relationship has made me feeling more "insecure" in the typical meaning of the word... but this is not my normal state-of-mind.  I will get over this.  I just want to be strong in myself and in our relationship again. 
 
I have to believe that this is possible and that it will happen.  I am doing all that I can to bring it about. 


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Comments

  • RollingC said on Jun 07, 2007....
    Tazcat....I know how you must feel and you're doing the right thing by seeking counseling.  It has helped my marriage and there's plenty of room still left to grow.
    It's a matter of you not giving up and hang in there kiddo.  I know marriage is not the perfect scenario that is pictured in our mind as we grow up but definitely hang in there and it will happen.
    God Bless
    Rc
  • silverwhisper said on Jun 07, 2007....
    tazcat, i haven't been reading you for long, so perhaps i've missed the reasons for these sudden bouts with sadness and depression. for how long has this been going on?

    ed
  • tazcat said on Jun 08, 2007....
    RC- Thanks for your words of encouragement.  We are getting better each day.  It is almost like we were asleep at the wheel in our marriage and we both have been jerked awake.  I am glad to hear that counseling helped your marriage.  How did it work?  How often did you go to counseling?  What helped the most?  Books you can recommend?  Right now, I am reading "Lies At The Alter: The Truth About Great Marriages" and "48 Hours To A Stronger Marriage". 
     
    Ed - I started posting in mid-May when I was absolutely desperately isolated.  You can read my previous blogs, if you choose, to get complete background.  This problem has probably been brewing quietly (and sometimes not-so quietly) for a year or two, I guess.  But I became injured, hurt one leg in October, the other leg (same injury!) in February, and this complicated matters immensely!  I was now needy, not mobile, couldn't drive.  This, in addition to a lack of communication and more responsibility on him, taxed my dear husband apparently to breaking point.  We are both guilty... we are both in repair-mode. 
     
    I keep trying to be strong, but continually slip on the dangerous, slippery-slope of lack of confidence in him, his commitment (ie: if he could "freak out" like this once, who is to say it won't happen again, next week, next year, in 5 years??).  This is what gives me my good-days/bad-days... good moments and bad thing going on.  FYI: there are currently more good days than bad days, but they are all so darned unpredictable. 
     
    Why is it that men get more handsome as they age?  He is almost better looking now than when we got together 18 years ago.  I am not bad to look at, probably need to lose 15 lbs (but who doesn't?), but still... women just seem to try to "hold on".  This is also fueling my lack of confidence lately, but I have not admitted that to anyone except SC. 
     
    So far... today is a good day. 
    -Taz
  • silverwhisper said on Jun 10, 2007....
    i think i can understand that, taz, and you know, don't stress the pounds you think you need to lose.

    i should point out that there's great truth in the old saying about women being like a fine wine, taz. :>

    ed
  • RollingC said on Jun 10, 2007....
    You know that it's the personality inside you.... not your looks on the outside... that really counts in keeping a marriage going. Not to mention strength of character and love and all that.

    Rc

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