has begun...
This morning we sat down with our children and told them that Daddy isn't going to be living here for very much longer. It was just as awful as I'd thought it was going to be and by the end me and the girls were all in tears. Their immediate response has been to make cards for Daddy saying how much they love him and how they hope he will be there for them.
My oldest said a few minutes ago, "is that why you had to go back to work Mummy, to pay for everything?" and then "is that why you've been crying sometimes?" To which I replied "yes." She really is very astute sometimes...
Littly has done what I expected which is to attach herself like a leech to Daddy and announce that she hates me. It's her way of expressing how much she loves him so I just let it go. I know they both love him just as much as he loves them.
I tried to explain that we were doing this to avoid arguments and unpleasantness and that we hoped it would be better for everyone to which my oldest said, "but it is better now..." which tore at my heart and has had me in tears on and off all morning.
What I said in reply to that was that Daddy and I have been trying very hard to make sure that everything has been okay for them even if it hasn't been okay for us and that sometimes grown-ups have to make very difficult decisions that affect other people too.
DH said that "since mummy isn't happy we have to make changes and that
we will all just be sad for a while until we feel happier again." On
one hand I know he is trying to find the words to express that this
isn't what he wants but at the same time I was sad that he felt he had
to blame me for the situation.
I can only hope that they will have taken in what I tried to emphasise
to them and have been doing since, that this decision is his and mine
and is not in any way shape or form because of them and that we both
love them very, very much. I know it is going to take a while to percolate through their brains and that I can expect acting out and misbehaviour, I am just praying that I don't get a total regression.
And so the morning has gone on with him and I making the necessary phone calls to transfer all the bills into my name and make arrangement for payments so my newly healthy bank account is about to take some major hits. Just as well I didn't go on a mad shopping spree I suppose.
And we have been discussing what things he is planning to take, so we had the 'it's mine' conversation about a few things but I'm not going to fight or argue about it, it is just things and they can be replaced.
So right now I'm feeling somewhat raw and am finding it hard to hold back the tears. I never wanted this. I never wanted to have to make such an awful, difficult decision but I couldn't go on with things as they have been. He has had over a year to try to work with me to improve things but he just hasn't bothered. He just hasn't taken responsibility in any way for his part in our marriage breakdown and I am not sure if I am angry or just plain resigned to not having been worth fighting for...
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Alyss posted on Jun 01, 2007
| views: 885
Comments
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secretlife said on Jun 01, 2007....
my thoughts are with you alyss. i wish there were words to say how sorry i am for the pain you all are going thru. -
polarheart said on Jun 01, 2007....
Shoooo, Alyss, this is big and I feel for you, dear. I cannot imagine how terribly sad and disappointed you must be feeling. It cuts one when your children are hurting and dont yet understand. . .it really sucks. But, you WILL survive this and as you take a step every day it will become better and easier to bear.{{{{hugs}}}} Polar -
silverwhisper said on Jun 01, 2007....
he's absolutely trying to blame you, alyss, and expect that he will continue to do so any time he's with the girls and you aren't. please be prepared for him to do this.
[hug]
ed -
Ravenspire said on Jun 01, 2007....
Ed is completely correct you know. DH is STILL not taking responsibility. It was a very shitty thing for him to say to the girls, to throw all the balme on YOU for the situation for the girls, under the guise of helping there.
*hugs* Hang in there kiddo. My thoughts and prayers for you that it goes smooth...
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Eilan said on Jun 01, 2007....
I'm so sorry, Alyss. -
CreativeWoman said on Jun 01, 2007....
Alyss,
I admire you. Hang in there.
CW
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MissMimi said on Jun 01, 2007....
Alyss, I'm so sorry that this is so painful for you and your daughters. {{{hugs}}} I wish I had wiser words to offer you. -
GrapeKoolaid said on Jun 01, 2007....
My thoughts are with you in this difficult time.
Grape.
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lioneljay said on Jun 01, 2007....
Alyss, this must be a very difficult time for you. It's hard to imagine doing the same thing, but I can guess just how painful it would be.
I've read elsewhere that chocolate, nail polish, and perhaps a new pair of shoes are supposed to be quite restorative under these conditions. YMMV
Hugs,
LJ
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beyondtheveil said on Jun 01, 2007....
alyss- The "mummy isn't happy & we have to make changes" sent the heat of anger through me. God I hate it when crap like that happens.
Easily remembered is the time I went through this with a six year old daughter. My main concern was to see she understood nothing was her fault. I've often wondered what her first night was like.
These times are nothing but hard. I wish you strength.
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EvilTwin said on Jun 01, 2007....
We talked earlier in the day, so I have not seen this until now love. I know the feelings and emotions are raw. I'm sorry. I wish I could take away all of your hurt and frustration. I wish I could make it all go away instantly. I wish you never had to go through any of this if it would save you from suffering. I wish for so many things...I know your children love you. I know they will get over this. It may take time, but I think they will understand. Just be patient, and remember to take deep calming breaths, love...[Hugs] Alyss. Lots and lots of them. I know it doesn't seem like much, and I would much rather be there in person giving you a genuine hugs, lots of them. But it is what I can send you through this medium...You have my love, and I am willing you all of my strength to help you handle this and cope. I believe in you. I know you can deal with it. You are strong, one of the many things I love about you. But I still wish you didn't have to deal with it...Gen Melin A'maelamin. -
gingersoul said on Jun 01, 2007....
Alyss.....unfortunately i have been there...giving The Talk to my daughter.....my ex had to explain with his own words why he was leaving us...he did..she asked why...he said he had fallen out of love with me but that didn't mean he would have stopped loving her....
Alyss, she was 9...she cried and sobbed so long i was worried she migt have a nervous breakdown......he had to spend the night with her sleeping in her bed......it has been heartbreaking seeing how tight she was holding him ....
But i know now that our worries as parents toward them are shaped based on our personal worries towards ourselves...kids are resilient and stronger than we think...given the love and the understanding with the time they do adjust to the new life....
She found eventually her way to love him again... possibly she will trust him too....i dont know much about this ..i think she is going to be scarred forever but its an issue we all have with any loved one who betrays us...
With the time, we are talking about 9 months, she accepted his new family..she is fairly happy now when she spends her time with them...she still asks me once in a while if her father and i will ever talk again....as we used to do...i am honest with her and i tell her that i don't know..that everybody has theri own pace and way to heal..and forgive..
She went to a counselor for some sessions....i asked this in the divorce decree ...he accepted..it has been very useful for her....so i would suggest you to consider something like this for your girls....talking with a third party non involved it really helps them to voice out their feelings toward this or that parent without feeling guilty......
She was believing it could have been her fault we were separating..this is the most important thing you have to repeat and repeat to them..
that its not their fault and they will always be loved.
I know how you are feeling, Alyss....you have all my sympathy....{{hugs}}
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TinSoldier said on Jun 01, 2007....
I'm so sad for you, Alyss, but it still seems to me that DH doesn't quite get it yet. Hopefully he'll figure it out soon but...
Anyway my heart goes out to you and your children. I know it's hard. I have no doubt that you can make it happen and not only survive through it but thrive as well.
Hang in there.
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Froggie_50 said on Jun 02, 2007....
Alyss: Im new here and dont know your situation, however I really feel for you and your children, I stayed in a loveless marriage till my sons were old enough to understand, they were 15 & 16 by then. I did'nt want the breakup to be so hard on them. Now they truly love my new husband of 4 yrs. and understand that mom had to leave when she did or otherwise I probley would of had a nervous breakdown. Im down to 1 xanax a day! Good Luck and God Bless... -
Alyss said on Jun 02, 2007....
Thank you for your comments everyone. Today has been a little better, still painful but not so raw. -
DogLips said on Jun 03, 2007....
It must be so hard because the kids are involved. It really seems unfair, doesn't it? It's your life and you want to be happy. But others have to suffer so that you can be happy, eventually.Why is it that in order to pursue our happiness we sometimes have to break the hearts of the people we love? -
lioneljay said on Jun 03, 2007....
Alyss, soon you'll see that most days will add a little healing. Some won't but that's just life. You've shown real strength in this so far, and I'm sure that your strength will carry you well. -
tazcat said on Jun 04, 2007....
Oh, Alyss,I am so sad for what you are having to endure. Your comment at the end is so sad.Be strong, hang in there. Blog, and we will blog with you. You are not alone.Your girls need you so.-Taz -
raft said on Jun 05, 2007....
I haven't been around much. There's little that I can say that hasn't been said already. It's a tough time and like everything else, it something you need to go through to get to the other side.
*hugs*
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LadyGamer said on Jun 14, 2007....
That he HAD to blame you only shows how necessary this move is. You go girl! I mean that. Go. In fact .... go here. Hop the Pond and come live with us. We would practically have an Amazonian society of our own! -
Alyss said on Jun 14, 2007....
LG, LOL at the Amazonians!
Seriously though I have considered doing just that but I very much doubt DH would consent to me taking the girls and I'm not planning on going anywhere without them.
Not to mention the practicalities of the whole thing would be mind bogglingly complicated.
But I'm not going to say never, especially since a lot of people I consider good friends are on your side of the pond. ;-)
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silverwhisper said on Jun 15, 2007....
if there's anything the past year ought to have illustrated, it's that never say never is indeed sometimes inconveniently true, no? :>
ed -
Alyss said on Jun 16, 2007....
Never say never is one of those adages I try to live by. -
carmachu said on Jun 17, 2007....
If you need help....you let us know, 'K? -
happykat said on Jun 17, 2007....
(((hugs)))
I'm also pulling for you.
I since some foreshadowing in DH to be less than complimentary about you to the girls in the future. Aaaannnnnnnd....your girls might go back a few steps then forward one and, just when you think you've come over a hill, will go back another two. Sometimes it takes a while before they react...years even.
Just remember...you can do this.
:}
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Alyss said on Jun 18, 2007....
HK I already know he is being less than honest in how he is presenting it to our friends, so I would be unsurprised by overflow into what he says to the girls.
I am maintaining a dignified silence and am sticking to 'it's private but we are friends' and he is apparently coming out with the 'she's not happy so I had to move out' line without explaining why I was unhappy or mentioning his refusal to even attempt to change that.
Today has been very difficult and for some reason I've been very hard pressed to keep the tears at bay. :-(
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silverwhisper said on Jun 18, 2007....
[hug] -
hidufel said on Sep 13, 2007....
I know im coming into this thread late, but alyss, you deserve much better. hes blaming you prolly because he doesnt want to accept the fact, that he failed somehow.I HATE men who do this, my father tried telling me for years as a young kid that my mother just gave me up to go live with him. I never found out from him, but one of his friends blabbed the courtroom battle to me in a moment of drunkeness when she and i were alone.what an eye opener, i must say.
I admire you for your strength in maintaining your dignity and higher moral center in your reaction to this.You are such a strong person, never forget that. -
Alyss said on Sep 13, 2007....
Wasn't expecting to see this today but I suppose it's appropriate.
Hidufel, I'm very sorry you had that experience, being dishonest to your child is a terrible thing to do to my mind.
Despite my fears when I wrote this originally so far he & I are managing. But we both failed. I know that.
And TBH I don't think I can climb a higher moral ground not with circumstances as they are.
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hidufel said on Sep 13, 2007....
Not higher moral ground, higher moral center. there is a slight diference, in my opinion anyway.It may not JUST be his fault, as you say, but he was taking no blame in the situation, heaping it all on your own shoulders. -
Alyss said on Sep 13, 2007....
Hmm, not sure I understand precisely what you mean by moral centre? As for heaping blame on me, that he still does. -
hidufel said on Sep 13, 2007....
By moral center i am refering to the fact you think and act with others in your thoughts, or try to anyways. Your abilty to "turn the other cheek" as it were. By keeping quiet to your friends, when you have the chance to defend yourself against him, when you do not besmirch his character to those around you, when he has done that very thing about you, that is a higher moral center.Its bascially the diference between holding yourself up to your own standards, and following such, rather then societal standards, and judging by such.im not sure if i am explainign the diference, as i see it, enough.
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