• tazcat said on May 24, 2007....

  I have had 20 views, but no comments.  I can't talk to anyone else as this is such a sensitive issue.  I really would like to hear some comments, support from the "soulcast" community, but with 20 views, I still have no comments.  I am bummin'.  Can't someone out there relate to this situation... at all??
  -Tazcat

• Zayda said on May 29, 2007....

  Tazcat--As to why you have no comments but have views, I may have an idea. One, no one at Soulcast really knows you exist until you comment on their blogs. The only reason I knew your blog existed was because I glanced down at my subscriber list and saw you had subscribed to me. In order to get people to come to your blog and comment on it, you have to go to their blogs and comment on them so they will see your name in the comments and hopefully come check your blog out and comment on it.
  
  
  Those 20 views may have come from outside of the Soulcast community through google searches that pulled your page up because of the tags.
  
  As to the rest of the blog post regarding your marriage, I want to think more before I comment on it because it is, as you have said, a sensitive issue.
  
  
  Welcome to Soulcast, btw. It really is a great place to talk about the things that are on your mind.

• tazcat said on May 29, 2007....

  Zayda,
  Thanks for being my first soulcast community commenter.  Really, you can't imagine how happy I was to see that someone had commented.  I am sadly isolated in my situation.  I am seriously considering a weekend trip to CA to visit my best friend since she knows both of us, but is far enough away as to not feel like it is too invasive to my marriage, my husband.  He is ok with this.
   
  The update is that we have now been to the marriage counselor both separately and together 3 times now with a scheduled appt. for tomorrow.  I open up and am honest and willing to do anything I can just like my husband.  However, now that I have been to counseling a few times, I know that a day or two prior to the appt. and then that day, I am close to a panic attack, upset stomach, etc...  The absolute stress of having my entire life, future hinge on hour long sessions in the hands of someone I hardly know is so incredibly unsettling (although probably the very best medicine). 
   
  Oh, my goodness.  So much to process, so much to say.  My apologies for dumping on you. 
   
  BTW, are you really a "zayda"?  My dad is Zaydie to my children (and mom is Bubbie).    :)

• Zayda said on May 29, 2007....

  Well, Tazcat, I'm not sure what a "Zayda" is where you are from but I chose the name Zayda as a screen name because it means "fortunate" or "prosperous" in Arabic. (Zayda is an alternative spelling of Zada, as are the spellings Zaida, and Zayeda.)
  
  
  If you are asking if I am a grandfather, no, that's the wrong gender for me as I am female. If you are asking if I am a grandmother, then still no. I am a mom.
  
  
  Okay, I think you should look at going to marriage counseling as a positive thing. At least neither of you are continuing to be miserable together yet doing nothing about it. Not that what you have written seems to indicate that either of you are miserable. What I am sensing is that somewhere along the lines of the, is it 16 years you have been married, that you aren't communicating as well as you were when you first got married or that your lack of communication between each other isn't as good as you thought it was, which is, perhaps, where some of the tension and stress in your marriage is coming from.
  
  
  I also think you should view marriage counseling as something positive because your husband did suggest that you go to counseling rather than simply saying, "this isn't working; I want a divorce". He voiced the need to go, which is a good step.
  
  
  I also don't think that you should think that your marriage is in the hands of someone you hardly know. Your marriage is still in your hands and in your husband's hands. The counselor is there to listen and to facilitate communication and discussion between you and your husband when you are in the joint sessions as well as help you explore your fears, worries, and concerns when you are in individual sessions. But ultimately, you and your husband have to do the work to make the marriage stronger. And going to counseling is one of those ways to make it stronger. The counselor can help you learn new tools for making your marriage stronger, but ultimately those tools are in your hands and both of you have to choose to use them.
  
  
  Being in marriage counseling is scary but I think what you seem to be most afraid of is the unknown or what seems to be out of your control. You don't know what is going to happen, so you worry about all the possible things that could happen. It's human instinct to do that. But, I also think that by worrying about the unknown you are placing a greater stress on your already stressed self. So, I think, really, while this may seem like a trite answer, right now you have to take one day at a time and one step at a time.
  
  
  Please don't feel like you are dumping on me. You aren't.
  
  And yes, you have a great deal to process.  So, process through some of it here by writing about it.  You may be surprised at what kinds of responses you will get from people on here who have probably been through similar situations to yours.
  
  
  I am sure you will get more readers, by the way. You just have to give it some time. And just remember, commenting on others is how people know you are here.

• tazcat said on May 30, 2007....

  Zayda,
  Ok, now I understand the term "zayda" has many meanings.  Yes, I got it all wrong.  I thought "grandfather".  Well, I am just a mom, too.  Thank you again for letting me vent.  Soulcast may be the only place that I can think "out loud". 
   
  I think your comments are right on target for me.  The counselor has mentioned communication as our issue.  I am sure he is right.  We fell into that typical place that happens to so many... I talk, he pretends to listen, tempers elevate.  My husband is an open-minded, smart man who is open to change (thank goodness).  He has admitted that this is true, only because he is so very busy and can get preoccupied too easily.  So he is trying to really listen when I speak.  I am trying (as is he) to keep all communication calm and level-headed.  So far, it is all working.  Actually, the counselor, as you said, is just facilitating the process.  My husband and I are doing the work.  We are doing pretty well for now.  My husband is a gentle man who just wanted the softness and gentleness to return to our marriage.  What a wonderful thing to want! 
   
  Now my biggest challenge appears to be from an unexpected area.  In the 6 months since becoming injured, I have gained some weight (about 15 or 20 lbs.).  It has affected me more than my husband, I think.  I am not normally so insecure a person, but being injured and losing some control over my body (legs/couldn't walk or move well... doing much better now) really blew my self-confidence... and my work-out plan.  Now I am starting to lose weight slowly, but cannot workout again yet.  My self-doubt is about to kill me.  I know that my husband is loyal to our marriage, but it is hard to be "secure" when the thing you try to be secure about is shaking like a leaf in the wind.  I know, I know... be secure in myself.  Well, that is easier said than done when everything you have known and/or loved is called into question (simply being able to move and workout, being in control of my body, having a stable marriage, etc...)  You are SO right... the unknown is kicking my butt!  Yes, day-to-day is the way to go.  My private mantra right now is: this man loves me.  I love him.  We will get through this.  He is committed, but he is also a very good-looking, high-profile business man surrounded by the pick-of-the-litter of pretty, smart, young women daily.  I simply have got to straighten out my weight, and my head.  I don't remember feeling this insecure since, maybe, junior high.  Ugh... it feels as bad as it did then.................................
   
  Thanks again for being there.  You cannot imagine how much this is helping. 
  -taz

• Alyss said on May 30, 2007....

  Hello, I saw your comment on another blog so came to visit.
  
  To be honest Z has said everything that I might have done already and very eloquently too and I am probably not best placed to offer advice given I am  in the process of separating from my husband of 16 years having been going for marraige counselling for several months.
  
  Having said that though I am surprised you are not going to counselling together. I can see the value in having your own individual appts to talk things through privately but if the issues are affecting you both then I would have thought that having a shared forum to discuss them would be a good thing otherwise how do you each voice the issues with each other? Perhaps I am missing something there...
  
  I recognise the sick, panicked feeling though and can only tell you that it didn't ever go away fully for me but it did get better. I do hope that for you and your husband the counselling does help you resolve whatever issues are affecting your marriage.
  

• darkpearl said on May 30, 2007....

  Z is right about posting and commenting. I found you through a comment you made on another post. She is also right about the counselling. The reason you have seperate sessions is so that you (and your husband) can say things you would not say infront of eachother, it gives the counsellor more information which helps them help you.
   
  I wouldn't worry about your appearance. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, NOT! Beauty is in your mind.  I am in a wheelchair, have a pronounced curvature and only have one leg. But I still have men who are interested in me. Perhaps it is more self confidence than feeling beautiful at my age. Your husband loves you enough to go to counselling I am sure that  a few chippies at work are not going to turn his head. So lose the weight because you want to or for health reasons. But don't get all stressed out  if you don't lose it, your husband will still love you.
   
  I wish you the best of luck, take it easy and find a little happiness.

• tazcat said on May 30, 2007....

  Alyss,
  I am sorry for the loss of your marriage after so much counseling, etc...  I don't know your circumstances, so I am hesitant to say more, but I wish you all the luck in the world.  Your understanding of the sick, panicky feeling is helpful.  I have had a pit in my stomach all day, every time I think of the counseling appt. (tomorrow, not today... I don't think clearly when blogging at 4 am).  We have been once each separately, then once so far together.  Tomorrow's appt. is a "together" appt. as well.  I am panicky before/after appts. because it just seems that so much of my life hinges on the words said in that short amount of time, even though the appts. all seem to go so well.  The idea is just simply too intense...  does that make any sense to anyone else?? 
   
  Darkpearl,
  I know that everything you said is true... beauty is in the heart of the person.  I am not by nature an insecure person.  I have been happy with myself, my choices, my life until it all started to rock uncontrollably a few weeks ago (day after Mother's Day, gotta love that!).  So, forgive me for sounding so shallow.  I am considering all options at this point, even the most ignorant and obnoxious.  I can only do that wholeheartedly, without reservation and judgement, here right now.  I thank you for your honest, encouraging words.
   
  To all three people out in the world somewhere who seem to care about me and my situation just because we are all humans with feelings and emotions, you are my saving grace right now.  I thank you.
  -Taz
   
   
   

• tazcat said on May 31, 2007....

  Went to counseling today, together.  Seems to be really helping my husband and our marriage, but I still am feeling way too shakey.  I feel like I might need counseling on my own now to bolster myself during all of these changes.  I went straight from the counseling session today to the book store, right to the self-help section to find something to help me learn/move myself to a new, better place within myself.  I picked up a book that I hope will help.  It is all about marriage, being honest, etc...  We have always been honest, but not as open recently as necessary.  It seems like it is being written for new couples or those considering marriage, but there are also parts for established couples.  I will know with a few more hours of reading if this is going to be "on the mark" or not.  Hey... it may be a little lame, but at least I am trying, right?  Maybe I really will do counseling on my own as well (also, doing counseling together).  My life now: lots of counseling...............................
  -taz

• darkpearl said on May 31, 2007....

  All marriages have bumpy parts. you are just going through one of them.  Atleast you and hubby are trying to work it out instead of running to divorce lawyers.  Maybe it would be better to ask the therapist to recommend some books. You wouldn't want to follow someone's advice who doesn't really know what they are talking about and just wants to sell books.

• tazcat said on Jun 04, 2007....

  The counseling seems to be helping in that it is causing both of us to be more "awake" in our marriage, so to speak (ie: marriage takes effort, etc... something that I have always believed but my husband pooh-poohed, but he gets it now).  However, I have now asked the counselor 3, yes THREE times for something to read, watch, listen to for follow-up at home.  He has provided nothing except for a formula to help us when we hit a roadblock (it does work).  So, that is why I hit the bookstore.  I also went to greatdb.com for info and found alot.  I read it all, husband read articles from greatdb (which is huge of him!!  So cool!)  He has also agreed, after I have asked for years and years, to go to parenting classes with me.  We have different parenting styles which causes discord.  That is also huge!!  Yes, we are making progress. 
   
  Much as I am happy to go to the counseling and I know that it is critical now, I have the worst days just prior, during and after counseling sessions.  It just leaves me so raw. 
   
  Days have been good lately, but there are bad moments sprinkled in here and there.  I am trying to regain my confidence in him, and my very foundation.  I fear this process might take a long time.  ]
   
  And yes, darkpearl, you are right.  I need to watch my sources as many are simply motivated to sell books.  I just needed some positive outlet.  I am also taking up knitting.  Isn't that funny?  Can't just sit and stew.........
   
  Best to all...
  It is a good day, so far. 
  -Taz

• RollingC said on Jun 07, 2007....

  I'm glad that you're going to counseling.... marriage is not easy sometimes but love and it's many manifestations will find a way.
  I'm going to counseling too.
  Rc
  

Comment on "isolated"

Currently tagged	marriage comments welcome commenting (Click to add tags below)
Tag this post	(Separate tags using commas, for example: New York, dating, vegetarian)
Your comment
	Comment Anonymously