That's what I have gathered from going through a new research study!
It appears that women in a secure relationship tend to make it a habit to ration love making, in order to control the spouse.
This usually happens after just 4 years!
No wonder the poor man would become unfaithful and begin to look for greener pastures even before the itch becomes full blown at seven years - the seven year itch!
DO YOU AGREE THAT WOMEN ARE GENERALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR INFIDELITY IN MEN?
Bronx posted on May 13, 2007
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Comments
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sweet_cookie01 said on May 13, 2007....
In some extent yes... in some cases yes... but more often than not some husbands are just making those excuses to justify their infedelity... they tend to forget their vows... sex is not the only glue that should tie a marriage together. -
pickersplock said on May 13, 2007....
Not in my case, I hardly ever say, no! So does that mean I have nothing to worry about in that department? -
SeanRenaud said on May 13, 2007....
Break in charachter here, don't worry ladies I'll return to my mysogynist ways soon.No in most cases men are responsible for our own infidelity. Part of it is the fact that for guys the connection between our ability to get laid/meet women is VERY strongly connected to our self esteem.Sometimes its just that we wanted to have multiple women. This one I blame at least in part on society that we are not allowed to be open and honest about it.Some of us are just dicks or want out of a relationship for whatever reason.There are definitely things that can be done to keep a man less likely to roam, but ultimately it is and will always be his fault.That said I don't hate women, all men should own one (or more) -
sweet_cookie01 said on May 14, 2007....
Seanrenaud.... I am very flattered by your actions....LOL... very good explenation... i liked that!....LOL... -
kelly said on May 14, 2007....
At some point--if a person is lucky enough to actually grow up--we realize that we are each responsible for our own actions. No, women are not responsible for infidelity in men. The same goes for the reverse situation.As an adult it is incumbent on each of us to actually communicate with others rather than playing passive aggressive games. -
cotteralladams3 said on May 14, 2007....
I don't agree. Relationships take two to work. If the man ignores his wife and doesn't value intimacy or communication, then it is not surprising she is not interested. Work, exhaustion, stress, financial concerns, child-rearing, health issues and other matters take their toll on a marriage. Counseling is the best option, not cheating on someone. Why should they be blamed? I dumped my wife after she cheated on me. I refuse to accept the blame as I worked sixty hours a week, partly to save money and partly to keep myself out of the house, away from her antics. Did that for years, actually. -
silverwhisper said on May 14, 2007....
what kind of moron thinks that "rationing" lovemaking is a good idea?
ed -
sweetsoul said on May 14, 2007....
While I agree a woman's actions might bring a relationship to the stage where a man might want to be unfaithful, how can you say it's a woman's fault when there isn't a direct correlation to women's actions and men's? In similar circumstances, some men are unfaithful - some aren't. Sorry Bronx, I think men need to take responsibility for their actions if they decide to have an affair. In this situation, women would need to take responsibility to contribution to the deterioration of their marriage, but not the actual infidelity.
To be equal 'opportunity'...same holds true if for women if they're the ones having an affair.
Not placing blame...just saying we're responsible for our own actions.
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hunter_boyce_chandler said on May 14, 2007....
The study is actually pretty good. I do not think it makes the case for blaming infidelity on the woman.
Instead it seeks to explain the evolution of behavior between the sexs. That evolution is completely different for a female than a male.
HBC
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gingersoul said on May 14, 2007....
And so.......are men responsible for infidelity in women?
It takes two to tango.....:-)
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blastfromthepast said on May 14, 2007....
I just have one question. At the rate I'm going, I should be running out of 'rations' tomorrow! -
biglove said on May 14, 2007....
I find it interesting that this research mentioned nothing at all about women roaming outside of the marriage for the same reason....trust me on this, it is not just women who lose interest in sex once your married. This was done using only 530 men and women...come on, there are millions of people in the world.I believe once you get married sex absolutly changes, on both accounts....I wonder if these researchers bothered to ask any of these questions. Do you still perform with the same enthusiasm as you once did? Is oral sex important to you, and if so, do you reciprocate? Are you still romantic, and if you never were before, have you ever tried to spice things up? Do you take the same care with your appearance as you did when you were single?If women are responsible for infidelity in men, are men responsible for infidelity in women? When are we going to start taking responsibility for our own actions, it is choice to cheat on your spouse...a choice you make all by yourself...period! -
RollingC said on May 14, 2007....
Hhhmmmm..... yes it takes two to tango and I think it's either party that causes infidelity as far as having a fulfilling relationship goes. It's up to each member of the Dynamic Duo to keep the other one satisfied (and happy).
Love always finds a way.
Rc
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uniquely-ironic said on May 14, 2007....
I would wonder why a woman rations sex. I would wonder why both of the people in a relationship do not "work" to keep their sex life healthy. No, you cannot generalize and say that women are responsible for men cheating. I think they could be, but it needs to be determined on a case by case basis.
I once heard a man describe his romantic life in a way that I think benefits both parties. He said that making love takes all day. You start in the morning by telling your wife how beautiful she is. The rest of the day you treat her like a girlfriend, holding doors, hugs, etc. Then when she has been "simmering" all day you can be very sure that the love making will be wonderful.
If couples actually practised this I think there would be less wandering.
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Lipgloss_and_Razorblades said on May 14, 2007....
I don't really think that's all there is to it. I've been with someone for almost six years and we're ok. Then again he's not rationed... I think it's just circumstances that cause infidelity. Wanting connect with someone for a while. -
SeanRenaud said on May 14, 2007....
Probably but in all fairness part of being in a relationship is supposed to be that certain things (in both directions) are expected. If I have to go through all that work every single day I might as well hit up a new woman every single day. Same amount of work. -
Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
sweet: yes, sex should only be one of the many ingredients for marital bliss. -
Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
pickers: hi.
Heehee...I should think so...
I just recalled a newspaper interview given by a popular socialite about why her marriage was so successful - she said that she never denies her spouse sex, no matter how tired she was.
A long bath/shower before bed simply washes away all the tiredness, I've found.
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
SR: '...all men should own one?' - them's fighting words, pardner. {LOOK OUT, ANGRY LADY BEHIND YOU} heehee...
Seriously, all that reminds me of the era in which men developed polygamy, not really because they needed more free pay farmhands or workers, but because they couldn't wait for wife number 1, 2, or 3 to finish her monthly period!
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
sweet: oh...that's nice....
SR: I guess no need to worry, lucky you - lady behind you only wanted a hug not 'ooops, upside your head....'
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
kelly: hi.
yes, scheming does complicate plain old good communication, doesn't it?
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
cotter: hi.
It's such a pity, isn't it, when the house you return to at the end of a very long day at work doesn't feel like home at all?
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
SW: hi, it certainly beats me! -
missunderstood1162 said on May 14, 2007....
I agree with whoever said that sex is just one part of what it takes to make a good marriage. I think everyone is responsible for their own actions but while saying that I do think that we also have a responsibility to the man/woman we love to stay connected to them or make every effort to be with them emotionally, intimately, etc.
I think if you deliberatly withhold attention, affection and intimacy you are asking for trouble. I'm not talking about if your tired and need to rest. I'm talking about calculated withholding of sexual release for the other person in order to get them to do something or not do something. That is just asking for trouble. I would say if you engage in that you get what you get.
Thank goodness I'm in the best relationship of my life.
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
sweetsoul: WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
You have a good point there - everyone should take full responsibility for their actions and/or inactions in a marriage!
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lioneljay said on May 14, 2007....
I chose not to look at the study article but I can deduce what was there from the comments. I'm with those who insist that we're all responsible for our own actions. That said, there does seem to be a tendency - at least among American women - to stop playing the seductress and attentive lover once the marriage seems to be secure. This is a contributory factor in many infidelities, to be sure, but it's only a stimulus and usually only one of several that lead to the response of cheating on the spouse. -
Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
HBC: hi.
WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
Quite true - I'd hate to see a woman try that 'rationing' thing and get away with it though!
The study definitely would make a non-attentive man come home earlier more often. Heehee.
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
ginger: oh....sometimes, I guess - depends on so many factors in each particular case/situation.... -
Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
blast: well.....you'd better think of something fast!
BTW, what was the question?
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hunter_boyce_chandler said on May 14, 2007....
Thanks bronx,
I'm a bit of a cultural anthropology buff and have my own favorite on the question of gender behavior. She is Sarah Blaffer Hrdy. She is by my account the best in this field.
HBC
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
biglove: hi.
WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
It's such a pity that nothing's perfectly perfect on Earth, isn't it?
Unfortunately, funding and time constraints tend to make some research results and methodology imperfect!
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
Rolling: yes, that's so true - love conquers all obstacles when both partners really work in tandem!
So, amor vincit omnia, everyone!
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
U-I: hmmmm....that's pretty good stuff - I agree with you; in that way, there would be much less wandering on either side.
BTW, you wouldn't happen to be on a lecture circuit I could join up sometime, would you? : >
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lioneljay said on May 14, 2007....
Actually, Bronx, I disagree. There are some obstacles that love simply cannot overcome. -
Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
Lip: WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
I agree with you that a particular circumstance may lead to infidelity!
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
SR: heehee....probably not the same amount of work at night...to each her own, ration that is.....Haha.
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kingcobra said on May 14, 2007....
well.......................????...................and well again!!!You know what Bronx, it is late here by me (11:48 PM) and I would actually like to make my comments on this one, but I am to tired now. I have a few very definite views and opinions that I would like to share with you.The Cobra will be back tomorrow!!!I -
Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
miss: that's so good to hear - congratulations!
Yes, deliberately withholding intimacy from a spouse for control purposes would really be tantamount to playing with fire!
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
LJ: hi.
That's interesting - yes, in most urban settings, infidelity may be just a question of the opportunity cost of waiting for the depriving spouse to come round/down from their high horse!
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
HBC: you're welcome....
WOW...I can see very clearly why you hold her in such high esteem!
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
LJ: well, yes....love can not bring back a deceased spouse, except, perhaps, in memories....
BTW, what other examples did you have in mind?
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Bronx said on May 14, 2007....
The Cobra: till then....goodnight!
BTW, WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
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uniquely-ironic said on May 14, 2007....
Bronx: Me?! On a lecture tour?! (laughs histerically) I'm hardly qualified. I'm still seeking "the one". One good thing about having failed at a marriage is that if you pay attention you will see what you did wrong and can try not to repeat it.
Being a romantic at heart I still believe deeply that love is out there for everyone.
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pickersplock said on May 14, 2007....
Hi, Bronx! I am relieved that you think my agree-ability will keep the stallion in the barn, so to speak. -
pickersplock said on May 14, 2007....
Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of Hollywood have been helpful as well.
I'm sure you'll agree!!!!!! -
lioneljay said on May 14, 2007....
Bronx, let's say that two people who are presently married find themselves thrown together by circumstance. Both are happy in their marriages but the intensity of their circumstance brings them to a place where they come to love each other. Neither one is willing to leave their spouse and so love is insufficient. As much as they love each other, they also accept their commitments to their marriages and choose to stay faithful to their wedding vows. Their love just isn't enough; sometimes (more often than we might like to think) it's simply a matter of circumstance preventing people from overcoming all the obstacles to consummating their love. -
Bronx said on May 15, 2007....
U-I: that's so sweet - yes, we all must admit our part in a failed relationship, otherwise, we just likely carry the same mistakes over to a new partnership or relationship.
I think someone said something about love coming to those who wait for it....
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Bronx said on May 15, 2007....
pickers: hi.
Fabulous stuff - I agree with you.
Those provocative items of lingerie would most certainly get all the horsepower ticking away/over - and over again - smoothly at full throttle in a jiffy! Enjoy. Haha.
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Bronx said on May 15, 2007....
LJ: yes....that's a tricky one....
But, even then, love did conquer all the obstacles - the bigger/greater love won out in the end! Heehee.
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pickersplock said on May 15, 2007....
Thanks Bronx, I do my best! -
anonymous said on May 15, 2007....
Since my wife cheated on me, I ended it. Do not see how that is my fault. I was always loyal. I worked a lot to get out of the house. Too much negative energy. She pushed me out with her ways. Don't see how that's my doing. Not blaming her-I know why it is the way it is. It is just that people choose to be unfaithful. It is also not the answer to anyone's problems. -
lioneljay said on May 15, 2007....
Bronx, I don't think that you can fairly draw the conclusion that the married love in my example was the greater of the two loves that each person experienced. But it was the love that was bound by legal agreements and greater practical considerations. Let's not presume that we see apples just because the fruit are round. Oranges and peaches are also round. -
anonymous said on May 15, 2007....
Here is the story of a friend of mine:
"Michelle cheated on me with a guy she had slept with before. The story goes that he is a pot dealer on a part-time basis. She is an addict. People claim that there is no such thing as addiction to marijuana, pills and amphetamines. She uses Ritalin and amphetamines as well as sleeping pills. She has also been accused of using cocaine, but I have never seen her do this. She uses magic mushrooms. I figure it's all a toxic mix. She slept with him for easy access to drugs, I am certain. It wasn't her concern that it would break up the marriage, she figures as she always has, that her parents will get custody and raise our son for her. She figures she is automatically entitled to it because she gave birth to him. She hasn't been an attentive mother since he was two.
She figured I wouldn't figure this all out because I worked so much, for her benefit. She has a trust fund but it is restricted, she can only get $1000 a month out. She has tried to go to my lawyer. I transferred his services over to me and to her exclusion after filing a divorce. It's stipulated in an agreement. She blows it all and he comes around. He spends his money on her. I am sure as a nighttime swing manager at McDonald's and apparently, a coat check guy, he doesn't have all this money to blow on her. She calls him in the morning after his shift and he has slept a bit and he goes to the bank for her and gets her money. I am sure she is screwing him for it. She offered to blow me for child support. As a friend of hers said about it, "Well, if she is offering, then she can't be surprised that you expect it of her!" She was joking. I would not accept the offer. This is why I do not go around anymore.
I have now heard that she is back to collecting welfare checks, claiming my son as her dependent when she gets supervised visitation every two weeks. Her relatives and friends keep an eye on her for me. My work schedule is all over the place. I am planning on quitting and getting a better schedule, but that will be two to four weeks from now. Until then, I will have to work it out as best I can. She is screwing welfare by lying. This is not the first time. The second time I left her, she went after me for child support and alimony by lying to welfare and claiming I would not give her support when we had only separated and the issue of interim custody and support had not come up. She was trying to force me into it. I offered child support and was planning to by giving her four hundred a month cash. She doesn't have custody or even generous visitation. Again, she has a $350,000 trust fund, disability cheques worth $300 a month for medication she abuses, a $500,000 cabin, and money from her parents. She could get a job. My son is nine. She doesn't have two kids under the age of four or anything but she lies about the rent, too. I could report her but it would be difficult for my son, so I am thinking of getting her visitation rights suspended permanently."
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RollingC said on May 16, 2007....
That's a tough situation from top to bottom. You should do the best for the child as there's plenty evidence to support you. -
Bronx said on May 16, 2007....
pickers: you're very welcome!
anon: hi.
WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
So sorry about your marriage ending that way.
I agree with you that cheating on a spouse doesn't solve many problems at all!
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Bronx said on May 16, 2007....
LJ: yes, you're right - just remembered almost a similar situation in the movie 'JUST A TOUCH OF CLASS.'
He couldn't leave his wife and she couldn't keep on serving as his operatic interlude.
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Bronx said on May 16, 2007....
anon2: That's a tough situation for you; but you can get out of it with the help of a good lawyer.
Your son is old enough - above six years of age - to decide with whom he wants to live.
BTW, do her parents sympathize with your situation? If they do, that would be very helpful to you!
All the same, try and see another lawyer with experience in such cases for a second opinion about what to do to save your son from a possible future drug habit.
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Bronx said on May 16, 2007....
Rolling: hi. I agree with you - the boy should be the priority! -
rockdawg said on May 16, 2007....
I think both parties are responsible for holding out on the other. While I do believe women use sex as a weapon, I also think men become neglectful after awhile, and deny women their needs for romance and passion. -
Bronx said on May 17, 2007....
rock: hi. WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
Yep....I can see clearly now how the blame could swing both ways - some men, like Nicolas Sarkozy of France, do neglect their wives, don't they?
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cotteralladams3 said on May 18, 2007....
Thank you. However, I can't get into her relationship with Mike. If she had cheated on me and there weren't all these other problems, I would have let her have unsupervised visitation and maybe joint custody after a few years. Michelle's situation had made it difficult. I really don't want to turn my ex-wife into the police. She doesn't need jail but treatment. Still to some it is a prison I am offering her, suspending her visitation. I am going to speak to my mother and call over her parents tomorrow. We will have to settle the matter. As for lawyers, I may need another one on this one. Douak was there to offer advice: I had one of my own in Edmonton. We are no longer there. She had to come up for it. She really hated that, but filing in Alberta as a resident was better for me financially. Before anyone gets up in arms, I am for alimony if women need it and feel that they can keep all their property, assets and such. I never wanted her wealth. It is not mine. She didn't put up money for the condo and furniture. She didn't work more than twelve hours a week, maybe. That was her money, not mine.I might agree to letting her parents see him at my mother's house and Michelle could come along with them, but he couldn't show up, she couldn't talk about her personal life and he could not go anywhere with her, except to maybe an ice cream shop or the mall. It is an alternative. -
Bronx said on May 19, 2007....
cotter: glad to see you're moving towards a concrete solution....
Go for it, as now is the best time to settle this and tie up all the loose ends, especially for your son's future peace of mind.
Good luck, and please let me know how things are working out, whenever you can...
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marysaaka said on May 19, 2007....
Infidelity is seeking self satifications, I think, outside of the marriage, for what it's worth woman had the ability to control the man, she think with sex and even step outside of the marrriage in relationship also. -
cotteralladams3 said on May 20, 2007....
Yes, we had a meeting yesterday. Michelle's parents came over while she waited outside, though I did ask them to leave her out of it. I offered to call and leave a note. She didn't come up. They were two hours late but phoned. We decided that Michelle can see Dylan in the company of her parents at my mother's house. They will talk to her about rehab and she has agreed to counseling. They insisted on being able to take him out. He is to see them two to three times a month, on weekends. It was agreed it could be overnight or two afternoons. So they want to try this for six months and see how it goes. I warned them that if her boyfriend comes around, I will file a police report. I don't care if she sees him but I did say he was not a good influence on her and they should keep an eye on him. They agreed. They are trying to get Michelle to move back in. -
Bronx said on May 20, 2007....
mary: interesting point of view - are you saying that women cheat on men while still controlling their spouses?
cotter: hi ...sounds good....at least now her parents seem to be looking out for her.
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ronaldb_55 said on May 22, 2007....
A Poem......www.robbing-peter.blogspot.com
The Uniqueness of recovery is not the addiction
But is in the ability of the addict to look for and seek out help.
The Uniqueness of recovery is not the help that you have received
But the wisdom of the addict to realize they need to come back until they get it right.
The Uniqueness of recovery is not simply that the addict gets it right
But is the ability to keep it right.
The Uniqueness of recovery is not that the addict keeps it right
But that they give back to the one seeking out their help... To get it right.
Friends and allies on the journey of life. -
Bronx said on May 22, 2007....
ronald: yes...we all need to do our bit to help addicts recover!
BTW, WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
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trapbutterfly said on Jun 06, 2007....
We're responsible for our own actions. When we look for someone to blame is just a way to feel ourselves less guilty of whatever we had done--i believe. The truth is, that it is unfair to say it was her/his fault I cheated. While someone's actions might had driven the other person to cheat, it is still not an excuse. -
Bronx said on Jun 09, 2007....
trap: hi....WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
Point noted - each person stands accused in his/her own right for whatever happens in a relationship?
How about this, as a logical extension:
If things work out well, the couple gets the credit; but when something goes wrong, the guilty/innocent party tries to blame the other half!
That's human nature for you, I guess....
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trapbutterfly said on Jun 09, 2007....
hI Bronx, tks for the welcoming :-)
I think that if a relationship goes well, it is because both work things out, if it goes bad, both could be the guilty ones, or one might be putting more in the relationship than the other one. In the case of a good relationship,usually it goes well because both people are committed to it, give up one thing or the other, and both try hard to keep the flame alive (some don't need to work too hard). But when it goes bad, and there is cheating, it a lot easier to blame it on one person. Now, sometimes there are good relationships in which one person still cheats... Wonder why? I do... Just curious....
Maybe in some cases the cheating occurs because one person is in love with two people at the same time. I don't know. I personally don't believe in such things, but it is not impossible I guess. Either way, I still think that it is unfair to blame the other person for our actions, in this case, for being unfaithful.
PS. Sorry for my confusing English, I'm still learning the language, so I'm horrible. Hope you get my point though.
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