So I'm sitting here in a doctors office waiting for my mom. I am such a good daughter I came with her to her gynocologist apt. I know the anxiety this kind of doctor brings so I came for moral support. Anyways! I need to vent. I woke up with a nervous feeling in my stomach. I get it every now and then. It actually hasn't been that bad lately. But,low and behold,the feeling is back! And I thought I was doing so well. I don't know what brings it on. Maybe a bad dream? I have no idea. But here's why I think..... My boyfriend works as a seasonal wild land firefighter. Only during the summer and then he is laid off for the winter. This is a perfect job for a 22 yr old guy. But absolutely nervewracking for me!! Maybe my insecurities with him not marrying me and us living together make it worse,but whatever the reason it drives me insane every summer. And there are so many factors that I can't even put it all into words. It just makes me sick. I wish I could figure it out. I do know that I hate that we can't make plans for 6 months out of the year. Doesn't seem that bad,but it is! To me it is. He leaves for work and who knows if he is even going to come home that evening. If I do get a phone call from him (which I am always hanging by the skin of my nose waiting for him to call) it is because he is calling to tell me they are leaving rightg away to whatever state there is a fire. I can't take it anymore! Maybe it would be easier to take if I had a ring on my finger and knew he was committed to me. See,he works on a crew of 20 guys! all between the ages of 20-30. This in itself makes me nervous. What do they talk about? What do they do on fires?? God am I that insecure?? It probably sounds like I am a freak. I am insecure. I am needy. I don't trust him. But why not?? Why? Why? WHYYYYYY? I know I need to calm down,quit thinking,trust him. It's so much easier said than done and I am having a hard time dealing with this. I want to be happy. I want to trust my bf. But this job sucks and I can't take it anymore.
HairSprayGirl posted on May 08, 2007
| views: 491
Comments
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dailyachesandpains said on May 08, 2007....
HSG...You really need a vacation on your own! A long one! Can you plan a little get away for some self rejuvination?Do you have a reason not to trust him? Has he done something in the past? I hope that's not the case.I fear that you will end up pushing him away. But, it sounds like you might be trying to do that and not realize it. Almost like you want him to do something wrong so that you can say "I KNEW it"! I used to be the SAME way! I didn't feel like anyone should want to be with me, or like me, and I would drive them away and blame myself, or them...depending on the mood.Sweetie, you have to see a doctor about your anxiety. You can't go on making yourself sick like this!{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}Daily -
silverwhisper said on May 08, 2007....
HSG, it makes perfect sense that you'd be anxious about half the year like that.
and i think daily's got some good questions there, myself.
ed -
HairSprayGirl said on May 08, 2007....
I probably am trying to push him away. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to just break up so I won't have to deal with him away. Makes no sense! I don't know what to do. Everytime I go to a doctor I just feel stupid. Or I cry too much. I want to cry right now just thinking about everything. I don't know how to find a doctor. I hate my job. I hate my feelings. I hate how I feel. Why can't I feel normal? and no daily,he hasn't done anything really. He holds back the truth for no reason sometimes. Says he doesn't want me to get mad or worry so he doesn't tell me some things. I am horrible. Did I mention I have no friends? -
ErinTryin2bStrong said on May 10, 2007....
HSG...ahhhhhhhhhhhhh you sound just like me :'( Yes that's a crying face! If you read my reply...that's EXACTLY how I feel when you said "Maybe it would be easier to take if I had a ring on my finger and knew he was committed to me."
Btw, I'm also 23 this yr and my bf works in a company with all guys AND girls in the same age group. I get so nervous sometimes wondering who he's going to meet or who he's going to work with next.
I work with a bunch of guys who all have kids and like 20yrs older than me! I know he wouldn't need to worry for sure. I trust him, but I'm just so afraid, maybe just maybe one day he might finally meet the 'true' love of his life or the real 'Mrs. Right'. Before I know, esp with long distance, he'll marrying her instead of me!
It's like 12am now and he's still at work...I wonder who's there with him :'(
Sometimes I'm crazy enough to try to work in his company but with my skills they'll never employ me! But I think that will freak him out and he'll leave me for that reason anyway.
Men, need space and need his mates with his beer. If i take any of those 3 away from him...HE'S GONE...
Daily...my situation is more complicated and with trust issues, both me and my partner has done "something" in the past...so that surely doesn't help :'( You're also right with the fact that I am half wanting him to do something wrong so I can say to him "I was right". I guess I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt and selfishly I want to dump him before he dumps me. Of coz what I REALLY want is a "happily ever after"...
Erin :(
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dailyachesandpains said on May 10, 2007....
Oh, girls, this sounds like my life not so long ago. Now that I'm in a different spot (married to a man that I didn't even want to go on a date with) I look back and can't believe how hard it was to go through the man troubles. My Husband is the greatest. As I said, I never even wanted to go out with him. I'm glad I did. Things happen when you least expect them to.The man that I'm speaking of, when I was in both of your situations, hate to tell you this...he married one of my friends!!!!!If I'm going to be totally honest with you, I'd say dump them both, start with a clean slate. Enjoy your 20's (I BEG YOU) and have fun. It'll end up coming to you, it being "the one" when you don't ever expect it to!{{{{HUGS TO MY GIRLS}}}}Daily -
HairSprayGirl said on May 10, 2007....
Erin... It's comforting to know I am not alone. You too Daily! I made a counseling appointment for Monday (everyone should be proud of me,it took courage) so I can finally talk about my anxiety and depression. I know a lot of it is not my boyfriend. It's me. But, a big reason why I feel so anxious and insecure is because of his lack of committment. My dad told me the other day that if he is the one I love I should just be patient and wait for him to be ready. I should think positive and not worry and obsess about everything. Just enjoy his company and make myself happy in the meantime. But I don't know how to do that! I look for him to make me happy and that just isn't working. So,my only other option would be to break up with him and start anew. Just like you suggest Daily. BUT,that is hard too!!!!!! I love him. There are so many good things about him that I am not willing to give him up. But,the fact that he won't marry me right now is kind of a big deal to me. It also might be because of my insecurities. I take it as a personal thing that he doesn't wanna get married right now. I think it's something I did. And that isn't fair to him or myself. No one can fix this right now but me,and that's hard for me to deal with. I wish I knew how to without ending the relationship. That's what the counseling is for!!!!!Thank you both !!!!! -
dailyachesandpains said on May 10, 2007....
HSG, I AM sooo proud of you! Is it a doctor that can dish you out some medication? If it's not, I'm going to let you know that in my experience just going to therapists, they've ALWAYS referred me to a med. management doctor and do therapy at the same time. I'm very, very proud of you!You know, he's committed to something if he's living with you. :DI got the SAME talk from my Dad as you did! Thank God for Father's! I'm just going to be 100% honest w/you and not sugar coat anything. I listened to my Dad and it was the worst move. I wasted years of my life with that guy because I, for once, listened to one of my parent's. I think it might have hurt me less if I just broke up with him two years before we broke up.You're right, it's not fair for either one of you. You start going to therapy, and go often. You might want to ask for a double session so you can get it all out, or most of it, and still have time to talk. Write everything down that you want to talk about. Just right little words, like "My boyfriend---why do i feel like this" and keep it short on your paper, with your questions.Email me, or post back if you want to chat! I'm usually here, lol!{{{hugs}}}Daily -
HairSprayGirl said on May 10, 2007....
I am really nervous because the last time I went to therapy the woman just kinda sat there and asked me questions that I didn't know how to answer. I don't know what to get out of counseling. I feel like its a job interview,like I am put on the spot. what kinds of things do you think I should ask? I know its a personal thing and I'm not asking you to tell me what to say! lol. but you know,is it ok to cry? because I cry too easily. -
ErinTryin2bStrong said on May 11, 2007....
HSG, of coz i'm proud of you, i still haven't had the courage to do anything like that. I kept putting it off coz i'm too busy, and it might cost me money and I'm too poor etc etc... But I'm glad you did it!!! But it sounds kinda scary :S
Like Daily said "Thank God for Father's!" this is what he wrote to me in EXACT words:
"Since you have found your love sometimes you have to sacrifice a little in order to presevre and maintain the good relationship. So tolerance and forgiveness are key factors to a successful marriage. Be more practical not just emotional and sensible not sentimental. There are bound to have a lot of stumbling blocks ahead of you.It's up to you two how to overcome them. "
After reading those words, I broke down and cried and cried. I do think the problem is on me too. I always think I know how to love him, but I do question myself at times, do i really know how to love someone?
Daily, what you said right there is my biggest nightmare. I don't want to end up waiting fo him and then ends up marrying someone else.
HSG, I think I know why they don't want to get marry yet at the same time it's different for guys an gals. Not to be nasty, but in my culture once a female pass the age of 30 it's very likely they'll be single FOREVER!
I can understand why you worry so much because of his job and that's normal or at least I think it's REASONABLE! But if it's really his job that's stressing you out all the time, maybe he needs to find another one or maybe you need to find someone not in that field.
I know it's hard to leave him, otherwise I'm sure we would of done it ages ago! But men can't be push to get marry. Most of the time I think because they might not be mature enough therefore they're just not 'ready' yet.
Btw, i hardly cry when I was young, but ever since i started dating I cried easily!
Erin *hugs*
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dailyachesandpains said on May 11, 2007....
HSG: Don't go into counseling with anything but an open mid. Don't expect it to work your first time or two. The therapist has to go through a "getting to know you" phase and get a little background about you. She'll ask about your life growing up, school, work etc. Then, figure out your personality. For me, my therapist KNOWS how I would react to things that some would brush off, but I fly off the handle. He knows what makes me tick. You have to be patient with the therapist. Don't think of it as a job interview...try to relax and be comfortable. Know that she wants to help you and it takes time.After 10 years of being in therapy, I still cry. I'm sure she's going to ask you why you're there and what you hope to get out of going to therapy. Tell her the truth, just let her know everything that's been going on and what you would like her to do for you.As far as questions that you should ask. I ask whatever comes to my mind. Like "Why" did so and so do... Why do I feel like this? Can you help me with this...? I can't tell you exactly what to ask, just let it come naturally. Tell her how you're feeling. Tell her about your anger, about everything with your boyfriend, job, female issues and all of your anxiety and what makes you go into panic mode and how it makes you feel. Just picture me on your shoulder saying "YOU CAN DO THIS, you can make it thorugh this and it's NOT a job interview!"Erin: My biggest nightmare was the same thing, but I listened to my Dad! It was worse that it was one of my friends and it was obvious that they had something going on because they didn't get married long after we broke up. Sometimes I wonder if I loved his family more than him and that's what really hurt? His Mom would still send me cards and call me.You're right, you can't make a man get married. My cousin (guy) didn't propose to his girlfriend for NINE years!!! I had to tell him he was going to lose her and he said "After this long, she's not going anywhere!" I couldn't believe he said that!!! He's the nicest guy, I thought! They've been married for 8 years now, so he was obviously right about her not going anywhere. I would have NEVER have waited that long, no matter how good the relationship was. I have issues with "wasting time!" I would rather be the cause of my own relationship ending after that long. When my Husband and I were dating (after 6 months), I told him straight up "If you have no intention of having a serioius relationship with me, we should just go our seperate ways!" I was not about to waste more years of my life trying to figure out if my heart was going to get ripped out again.I guess in the end, girls, you just have to put on that happy face and wait out the tide. Could be months, could be years. I doubt they like the pressure and I fear that could make things worse for you guys.{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}Daily -
ErinTryin2bStrong said on May 11, 2007....
Daily, thanks so much for your support and advice!
I love my dad so much and he's my role model for everything in life. MAYBE with his marriage and relationship it isn't so perfect :'( I think he was way too nice to my mother and my mum too advantage of him :'(
I was really upfront with my partner last night and asked him when he wants to get marry.
He said probably when he's 30 (i'd be 29!). It all sounds good in theory but by that time I would of dated him for 10yrs!!! It'll be so horrible if we never end up getting marry. I don't want to even imagine.
Your cousin sounds kinda 'mean' yet it also sounds so sweet. They must be really in love with each other hence they feel so SECURE! Personally, I wouldn't mind being in that situation. I can wait for 20yrs if I must as long as I know at the end of the day he's mine AND MINE ONLY!
Erin :)
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dailyachesandpains said on May 11, 2007....
ErinT, I don't know if I helped you girls or confused you both even more! As I was just reading back what I wrote, I was like "I can't believe how blunt I was!" I just remember how people would say "don't worry" blah, blah yadda, pooh! If I want to be really blunt, I will tell you the terms and conditions I set forward when we were finally talking marriage, roflmao! I needed to know that there would be a routine (not really, but nothing to put me into a panic attack) I hope you get what I'm trying to say? My Husband's a great guy and he does deserve something for being able to deal with me. I'm just exactly like you girls are...still! BUT, paranoid about different things and have panic attacks over walking out my front door! I have a panic attack when interest rates change, even though it means NOTHING to me!I take you girls as my sisters in panic!Love ya both!Daily -
ErinTryin2bStrong said on May 12, 2007....
Daily, It's all good I can handle truths and i know they are normally a bit blunt. But blunt is good :)yeah i need to panic less for sure otherwise im going to lose him. he said to me the other day..."you're sensitiveness is starting to annoy me" :S:S:SThank you for your support!!!Erin :D
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