We had another talk last night. He made the mistake of asking if I'm feeling better about us. What can I say? Yes? I don't think so. It's been about two weeks since our last "talk" and he thinks he's trying. I can see the changes he's making, he's trying to touch me more, he tells me he loves me more, these are things he's always done for me. I don't need more of that damnit!! He's doing his loving thing so much that I'm feeling suffocated.
He says I'm living in the past because I tell him that I've been trying for four years and that I've given him four years to make things better. He tells me that I need to start looking toward the future and believe that things will get better.
When we talked last night I asked him how much he really wants to know about what I feel. He said, "everything, complete honesty." I told him I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore. I told him that yes, my body reacts to him when he touches me sexually, I'm a highly sexual person, that's what my body does. And of course, after being denied for so long I'm going to react….I want it, I need it. But I don't want it with him. I told him this! Know what he said? "Stop thinking about the past". What? Huh? I'm telling you how I feel now. Right now.
He said, "what do you want?" I said, "I want to stay married to you, you are my best friend, we have a family together. But I want to be able to get what I need somewhere else." He ignored what I said and said, "we need to work on us, I'm trying, you just have to want it too."
So the question I have to ask myself….is do I want it?
