Apparently I want to destroy myself. I expressed my feelings to my counselor of how I feel in between sessions and I am a bit shocked to see that I am on the verge of hurting myself. I already am to some extent with my legs. I have tons of little scars and scabs on my legs right now, I scratch them whenever I feel stressed, or so I thought it was just stress that made me do it, now it may be more than that. I had to promise him that I'd tell him if I was gonna do something stupid first. That definetly discourages it, yet I don't know either. I feel pretty bad that it's come to this, the scratching, the sad thoughts for attention and all that. There are people who care about me, this I know, I don't want to let them down and do something major to myself. I guess I am crying out for attention or help on the inside so no one can hear me. I show my mom my scratches she doesn't say much. If theres some discrepancy of me not doing ok, my brother always says I'm fine. My family is comfortable and happy, I don't want to disturb that and yet I do. Sure I could try to share my pain with them or with a friend, but it just doesn't feel right, its way to personal, since most of my relationships with people have some distance to them, some distrust lingers in all of them. I feel like whom ever I tell these things to, I won't want to talk to them anymore, it's that personal. I'm glad to have my counselor and my group therapy people, but now I'm scared its not enough. If I keep going down this road it's not a question of if but when. It's my fault really, I don't let anyone get close to me and if I do it's always the wrong person. I never thought myself a quitter, hopefully I won't let this happen, it's hard to do it alone though. I just gotta hang in there, this is the really rough part.
ninjapirate posted on May 01, 2007
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Comments
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KayRoseOrchid said on May 01, 2007....
Dear Angel~ I am so sorry you are struggling and feeling this way. I wish I was there with you, but I understand you being uneasy about talking about it with me. Please fight this demon within. You can do it. You can persevere. You are stronger than you think you are.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
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silverwhisper said on May 01, 2007....
np, i'm of the opinion that you can do better by yourself here. can we try an exercise?
i want for you to tell me five things that you like about yourself as a person. can you try that for me, please?
ed -
ninjapirate said on May 01, 2007....
Kay: Thanks for understanding! Lots of hugs!! I'm sure once I can share in my group without to much trouble, I can share with you. Thanks for the encouragement, I'm gonna keep trying.Silver: Do better here? Well it is nice so far to have a place to write things down. I'll try your exercise. Here goes.1. I love that I'm not a quitter. That's a bit tough right now though.2. I like that I tend to hold on to my vaules, but sometimes I can be a little to flexible.3. I like myself a lot when I'm on, I just mean when I'm clever or witty and I have no idea where it came from.4. I like that I don't exactly fit in5. I like how honest I'm being with myself right now.Are these the types of things you wanted to hear? I interprect things wrong sometimes. I'm curious where you're going with this? -
mom said on May 01, 2007....
Np- Why is there so much pain in you? What would you want your family or anyone to know if you could tell them? Are you taking any medication?I don't think the exercise that Ed gave you has a right or wrong answer to it. I think it is more of how do you see yourself. Ed correct me if I am wrong. -
ninjapirate said on May 02, 2007....
mom: Well I have two kinds of depression going for me. The biggest is I lost a family member a few years ago, and the second is of course about myself, inferiority and isolation is how my counselor has put it. If I could talk to my family or a friend it would probably be to share my sadness and to have someone to hold on to while I figure this out. I'm not on any medication, I can't stand the stuff. I'm just making sure I didn't interpret Ed's exercise another way then he asked for. Thanks for reading! -
mom said on May 02, 2007....
Np- who did you lose and what was it like for you? I'm glad you are seeing someone to help you with this. Can you share your sadness on here? I have been through therapy and was suicidal at one time. I felt like you do in the isolation and inferior, I had very little self esteem. I didn't feel like I belonged anywere and every day I woke up thinking I was a failure and when I went to bed at night those were my thoughts also. It was very difficult, so maybe I can be of some help to you. You let me know. -
silverwhisper said on May 02, 2007....
np: no, you understood it precisely as i intended it. what i meant was that you could do better for and to yourself, not that you should go things alone--sorry about that. :>
those are good traits, you know, and those are good things.
my guess is that you've always felt kinda on the outside looking in, and your family's seeming normalcy is exacerbating those feelings of isolation.
so perhaps what would be helpful is for you to try to find things that you have in common with people? because i firmly believe that there are more things that draw people together than there are that drive us apart.
just a thought. :>
ed -
secretlife said on May 02, 2007....
i'm glad you have a group and a counselor to talk to-- that's a big start, and you should give yourself credit for reaching this way. it shows you want to get better.
do you know if you're clinically depressed, and have you asked if there's some medication?
two years ago, i thought one of my sister's might actually hurt herself. she was seriously depressed. she started taking medication, and she is a whole different person now.
sometimes it's a chemical imbalance in your brain that's causing these feelings, and no matter what you do alone, you can't fix it.
So these things you have to ask for help with...i hope you'll ask.
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ninjapirate said on May 02, 2007....
mom: I lost my dad about six years ago. At first it was something I didn't want to believe and then since everyone around me held their own thoughts about it I did too, I never talked to much about till now. It does seem to help a little that I can write about anything on here, so I think I'll probably blog more about this. I'm sorry you have gone through tough times too. I feel very simliar to what you said you felt. I really appreciate any kind of help. Maybe we can share some stories, hopefully I am up to it, or I'd definetly love to hear from you if I put up some more blogs. Are you doing much better now? I hope so.Ed: Ah I see, no worries. Glad I put some good things for your exercise. Thats a very interesting observation. You put it pretty clearly what I wasn't exactly aware of. Thanks for the suggestion, I will defiently give it a try. I think I already do that to some extent, but perhaps I will try for similiarties that are more important.Secret: It was pretty tough trying to convice myself to get counseling, I put it off for a long time. You are right though, I am glad I am trying to help myself. I am not sure if I am clincially depressed, I know I have some sort of anxiety disorder which I did get medication for. I'm very glad to hear that your sister is getting a lot of help from medication. When I tried it, it was not something I liked. I just felt to fake, or to uncaring, perhaps just not me. I haven't asked my counselor about medication though, I think that's a good idea and I'll bring it up, can't hurt to find out more about it. Thanks for your suggestion. -
secretlife said on May 02, 2007....
ninja: you know, if one medication doesn't work for you, there are others that may....and it's very individual, so you might have to try a couple ...do tell your counselor about the other medication you tried and how it made you feel and why you didn't like it. sometimes that can help them pick a better one for you.i do hope you feel better tonite. -
KayRoseOrchid said on May 02, 2007....
sweetness~ {{{hugs}}} I wish I could be there to just hold you when you need it. love you, kay -
mom said on May 02, 2007....
Ninja- I am doing really great, it does help to talk about such things. Isolation and withdrawal is such a lonely place. I believe that if you can talk about what is going on inside, you won't be as likely to hurt yourself. :) I will read you as I am sure that many will be happy to do so and help you through this tough time. :) -
ninjapirate said on May 04, 2007....
Secret: I'll be sure to mention those things, I have to wait till Tuesday though. I did feel a little better last night and am feeling a little better today, thanks so much!Kay: Aww sniff lots of hugs! Soo nice you're there for me, love you too!Mom: So very glad to hear you're doing much much better. Ya I do feel like I am in such a bad or lonely place sometimes, but I will certianly blog about things as they come up and I soo appreciate your help, thanks lots! -
mom said on May 04, 2007....
NP- you are most welcome, and remember you are not alone. :) -
KayRoseOrchid said on May 14, 2007....
ninja's five things she likes about herself are listed in this thread!!!!!