• secretlife said on Apr 25, 2007....

  you know, i think it's just a high sex drive.  but i wonder sometimes too, if it's the fact that we don't get enough...that we're deprived of it...if that isn't why it's on our minds alot.

  i certainly have sat in meetings where my thoughts have drifted.  i'm sure that happens to most people at some time or another. 

  the solution to the not sleeping at night thing for me is masturbation. 

  i wonder if our lives were different, and we had regular sex, if we'd be less likely to be thinking of sex all the time.  my instinct tells me i'd be much different.

   

• FurElise said on Apr 25, 2007....

  I'm with you babe...
  Its no problem. What in the world can be wrong about having a high sex drive?
  Except when you're so excited, and you have no way to satisfy that urge (like
  the meetings SL talked about.)
  I love being a nympho, I get extreme pleasure from having a man inside me as often as possible, and from driving him madly to orgasm.

• AnnonymousNympho said on Apr 25, 2007....

  Thanks Secret and FurElise, it's good to have others' points of view and know that I'm not alone in this affliction :)
   
  Secret - I do in fact masturbate a lot usually at least twice per day...this thing with my husband is complicated though so I usually wait until he's asleep to masturbate at night.
   
  FurElise - I feel the same way, just can never get enough.

• secretlife said on Apr 25, 2007....

  my husband gets up at 5am, and is usually sleeping by 9, so i'm usually doing it while he's sleeping too!   i make fun of myself saying i can be still and silent when i cum!  it's an aquired skill....

• KayRoseOrchid said on Apr 25, 2007....

  Hey! I think this wanting sex all the time thing is normal! What solves it for me, like yourself and secret, is masturbation. Gotta love it!

• AnnonymousNympho said on Apr 25, 2007....

  Secret -  I do the same thing...very quiet, very still, not the way I usually like to enjoy my orgasms but it does the job :)
   
  Kay - Thanks for the comment.  I'm glad I made this post, it's great to know I'm not the only one!

• KayRoseOrchid said on Apr 25, 2007....

  I am glad you made this post too! It is something I had thought of writing about but was a tad bit reluctant. But I am glad I shared!

• lioneljay said on Apr 25, 2007....

  Seems to me that your drive would only be a problem if it began to interfere with meeting the ordinary duties of your life. That it's distracting occasionally during meetings or other quiet times, or that you feel the need to masturbate almost daily is hardly proof of anything dangerous. Welcome to my world, by the way. And it's been that way for well over 40 years.

• defector said on Apr 26, 2007....

  ladies are just like guys in terms of sexual needs. ladies need to be satisfied just like every guys. the only difference is that the way she needs to be satisfied. for a guy.. he cums and full stop. further actions resume 15 mins later at least? a lady don't even needs to resume.. thats the wonderful thing about ladies.. I cum onces a day and i think about sex whole time before and after that. its normal to be yearning for it.
   
  scientifically its not a problem to be thinking about it when you need it. its a problem when you start jumping from one to another just to solve that problem. or when you start skipping work, ignoring your basic needs. thats psychological.

• AnnonymousNympho said on Apr 26, 2007....

  Lioneljay - thanks for the input.  As a matter of fact, it was beginning to seiously affect my work.  I've lived in a nearly platonic marriage for the last four years and it was totally starting to drive me insane.  Since I started my affair I am still finding myself distracted but in a different way, I feel more alive, more relaxed and more in tune with what's happening around me...although I will admit to a little more daydreaming it's not quite so depressing.
   
  Defector - Thanks for the comment.  I agree with you, it was more of a problem for me when I was ignoring it...my needs for sex were turning into resentment and anger toward my husband.   And worst of all, I wasn't even admitting to the anger and resentment until I started having sex again and then was able to recognize just how angry I was.  I'm the type to push down my emotions and/or subsitute them for something else.  Right now I'm being dishonest in my marriage but for the last four years I've been completely dishonest with myself.

• secretlife said on Apr 26, 2007....

  AN:  do you think the anger/resentment stems from just a lack of sex?  or do you think it's more the emotional stuff?  what i found is that while the sex was important, the more important thing that was 'missing' and that caused me so much anger, was i had nobody to connect with emotionally.  for years i told myself it was the just the lack of sex, when in reality, that was just the tip of the iceberg.

• AnnonymousNympho said on Apr 26, 2007....

  Secret - I think you hit the problem right on the nose.  It's not just about sex. 
   
  We are supposed to be living a BDSM lifestyle.  I'm the submissive he's the Dominant.  We attend functions, we socialize with people in the same lifestyle.  We have all the "toys" (just in case you don't know toys are all of the BDSM stuff, cuffs, restraints, crops, paddles, etc.).  I have rules I supposed to follow.  Part of our relationship is wonderful, he's supportive, caring, listens to me (for the most part), encourages me, lifts my sel-esteem and loves me more deeply than I've ever been loved before.  I have more self-worth and more self-confidence than I've ever had in my life.
   
  One the flip side....we pretend to live this lifestyle.  We talk with people as if we were active in it.  He requires me call him Master when we are out with our friends, he teases me, pinches my nipples, acts like my Dominant.  All of our friends think we have an active sex and BDSM life.  But when we get home there's nothing (until just the last two weeks since I threatened to leave) no sex, no BDSM.  He hugs me, kisses me when I got to work, he wolf whistles at me when I get undressed, he tells me he loves me but that's it. 
   
  I feel like a plant that's been forgotten.  Brown, dried up, dead.  This plant is sitting on the counter right in front of him and he doesn't even see it's dead, he talks to it, thinks it's still alive, pretends it's green and pretty but it's dead and he doesn't seem to care.
   
  When we met I was looking for someone to teach me about BDSM, that's all I was looking for.  I found him and fell in love with him.  He got deathly ill shortly after we met and our relationship got very serious after that and we got married.  I think I married him so soon because I was afraid of losing him.  That and he has no family to make decisions for him and I was not able to make medical decisions for him becaue we weren't yet married...I didn't want to go through that again. 
   
  So yes, it is the tip of the iceberg.  I frequently think to myself how can I be so incredibly unhappy and happy at the same time?  The lack of sex was just getting to much to handle.  I've tried everything I could think of to get him to come around to it.  He's even got Viagra in the house that never uses.  I've tried seducing him, I've tried crying, I've tried ignoring it, I've tried nagging, I've tried arguing, I've written him letters about how I feel, I've asked permission to take lover  and nothing.  The one thing he has done is bring another woman into our relationship at times and that doesn't work very well for me because that is the only time he touches me sexually.  Imagine, your husband only touches you sexually when there is another person in the room and he also loves for that person to give him a blow job...no, not working for me.  The only thing he's responding to finally is that I threatened to leave or have an affair.   The thing is that I am having an affair and haven't shared that with him. 
   
  I waited to long.  My feelings for him have changed.  I love him as my best friend, as my partner but not in any sort of romantic or sexual way and not as my Dominant.
   
  Whew, that was a long answer....yup, the iceberg.

• secretlife said on Apr 26, 2007....

  having been in my marriage for 22 years, i can tell you that i completely understand when you say you've tried everything you know how to do.  i've been on the merry-go-round and know what it fees like to be left to wither. 

  and i understand how it feels to find someone who can make you feel alive again...important, vital...who makes you feel the way you really are inside....  i know that feeling of rebirth, and the way we cling to it because it matters so much to us.

  it's complicated.  life is complicated.  if only it were easy.

• lioneljay said on Apr 26, 2007....

  AN, now that I understand your situation better, I think that it's fair to say that what you're experiencing is a second round of sub frenzy. No doubt you went through much the same experience when you first started to be with your husband. He completed you, made you feel worthy, and he gave you an important reason to serve someone. When he got ill, your destiny seemed fulfilled and so you climbed on for the whole ride.
  
  Now, your marriage has gone stale, probably because the two of you were not well suited for each other in the first place. You've found someone else to serve. Someone else who makes you feel worthy and who prizes your submission. Whole parts of your psyche that were dormant have come alive again and so it's not at all surprising that he and the sexual life that you are building keep coming to mind.
  
  SL writes from a place of thoughtfulness here, AN. That's very clear. Do listen to her.

• AnnonymousNympho said on Apr 26, 2007....

  Secret - thank you for sharing some of your experience with me.  I'm wondering...if you're willing to share....how do you keep going?  What keeps you looking forward to the future when things are not going well?
   
  Lioneljay - Right on the dot!  "Sub Frenzy" exactly what I'm feeling.  And yes, you're right.  I did have some of the same feelings about my  husband in the beginning.   He was and for the most part is the only person I've ever really submitted to.  My submission was complete in the beginning.  I wanted to give him all of me.  I did give him everything.  I have somewhat submitted to S but not in the way I would like to...I can't because at this point it has to remain secret and that requires so physical marks on my body.  I know at some point I will have to make the decision to give up S in order to work on my marriage or end my marriage.  I'm not ready to make that decision yet. 
   
  To complicate matters further I've got children.  They are not my husband's children but we are a family and the last thing I want is for them to be hurt by all this.  This part scares me more than anything, this is the part that may be what will make me end this affair and they are a lot of the reason I waited so long and tried so hard to make things right in my marriage...it's hard to think about. 

• lioneljay said on Apr 26, 2007....

  You're right, AN. Children make such decisions doubly difficult.

• secretlife said on Apr 26, 2007....

  i have 3 kids...they are the main reason i stay in my marriage.  i have to be honest about that.

  my husband is not an ogre.  i care about him, and our families are interwoven after so many years.  He isn't the greatest father, but he is a good father.  i believe with all my heart that leaving him would hurt my children, and i know i can't live with destroying their childhoods. 

  over the years, there have been times where i've thought to leave.  Two serious ones, and countless others when i thought i couldn't stand it another moment.

  I was in such a circle for so long blaming myself and trying so many things in between the kids and the job and well, i'm sure you know all about this.

  About 10 years ago, i came to the realization that i could chase my tail forever and get nowhere but angry.  i began working on myself rather than focusing always on changing him.

  In 2000, i was diagnosed with bladder cancer.  That basically sealed my fate.  When you think you might die...or be debilitated, when you think you might not be around to finish the job of raising your kids, and you look around at aging parents, siblings with their own kids, or other issues...you realize, very very clearly, how very much you need this man to be on your side...if for just the children.

  so i changed my focus really.  i decided to be kind to him.  to end all the battles. i looked at him as the person who i might have to rely on to finish the raising of the kids-  instead of as the person who was failing me as a husband.

  fucked up?  probably.

  but my kids are happy and healthy.  my family means the world to me.  and i know that when all is said and done with my own life, that these children are what matters most.

  in 2000 i took my first lover.  i gave myself permission to find some 'outlet' where i can be who i am inside, and where i can be a woman to a man and have it reciprocated.   i've found some solice in this.  and i've had a handful of lovers since then, although none currently.  as you might guess, it's not so easy to have lovers - especially with kids and job and the rest.  i am continually re-evaluating my needs and whether or not it's worth it to me.  honestly, it's alot of work to find the right man.  and i've been hurt in that arena as well.  i believe at this point, that for me, and only for me, that i won't ever find someone because i seek a complete relationship, not just sex.  and i cannot give completely while in the marriage and my relationships seem to end when i realize how important that is for the other...

  it's a personal journey though, AN- i honestly believe we all have to evaluate our lives and our situations and make the best choices knowing what we know.

  if you'd have told me 20 yrs ago i'd have been at this place, i'd have laughed at you.  it's not how i was raised.  it's not in my own values to cheat and lie...yet, here i am......a cheater and lier.  Circumstances force you to choose.  There are some things that won't be denied no matter how much we want them to be. 

  i understand where you are, and how difficult the choices are.  my main point was you aren't alone.  there are others who walk where you are walking.

• defector said on Apr 26, 2007....

  hey secret... its up and downs in life. important thing is when you look back in your life when its time to go.. you have no regrets. You enjoyed it. that was a decision made in the best of everybody's interest from my view. So, self blame isn't necessary. yar?
   
  guess every one here has a fair share of an affair. I had my fair rough time of an affair that almost blew me into bits. But i guess i'm in it more for sense of thrill. still head over heels over my wife. but some times a change is hard to reject. so i'm strictly a pay for-it-during-time-of-urgency guy. if not stick to my hands. or my wife (with lots of variety).
   
  AnnonymousNympho  maybe its time you be the dom and he be the sub?

• AnnonymousNympho said on Apr 27, 2007....

  Secret - Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, it means a lot to know that there are other people out there going through the same struggles.  It's not that I don't know what I'm doing is inherently wrong....it's just what seems like the best thing for me personally right now.  I know it's completely possible that I might regret this later...on the other hand it might be what saves my marriage which was my original thinking in going forward with having an affair.  Who would have thought that one could possibly save a marriage by cheating?
   
  Defector - thanks for the comment....interesting idea....he being the sub and me being the Dom.  I can assure that would never happen.  He is seriously the least submissive man I've ever met.

• rockdawg said on May 10, 2007....

  I found that I was happiest when I was swinging. In all other ways, my wife satisfied me, and we had a girl-freind with a pretty high drive also. Between the two of them I found I was usually pretty happy. With out that set-up, however, I often wonder if I'm sick or something, cuz I am ALWAYS thinking about sex.

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