I'm in trouble. I'm in love with my roommate.
I may not actually be, but I need to say this out loud so I can process it. Hope you all don't mind.
We've been friends for a few years now. When I first met her, I was attracted to her, but she wasn't interested in me that way, so I let that go. Our friendship, however, took off. In fact, she pursued it, she made it happen. This is kind of unusual for me to get turned down as a potential girlfriend, but pursued as a friend. I let it happen, but I was on my guard until I realized she was sincere. We are fast friends now.
Now, if you want to imagine her personality, think "Shane" from the L Word. She loves pleasing women. She is Romeo. She has an ex-wife, and several ex-girlfriends that are still in the picture because no one wants to give her up. But she can no longer sustain permanent relationships. She's single and loving it. She's in her early 40's and I once thought she was having a mid-life crisis when she started hitting everything she could (everything, that is, except me). Its been quite an ego boost for her. But I no longer think this is a mid-life crisis. I now think it's an end-of-life crisis...
Lee has mitral valve prolapse, left branch bundle blockage (the nerves that control her heart are going wacky), psoriasis, chronic bronchitis, recurring stomach cancer, frequent seizures (but only when drunk), and she's an alcoholic. She prolly has blood sugar issues as well. She's going to die soon, and she knows it.
All this and she still has to beat women off with a stick... what does that tell you about her personality. She is a good woman, honest, hard-working and compassionate. And cute as hell.
Last year, after a bad break up, and while between jobs, Lee became homeless. She was living out of her truck when I discovered this, so we came to an arrangement for her to come live with me. I had an extra bedroom at the time and I sure as hell was not about to let her live in her truck. Our friendship has deepened since then. We discovered a spiritual connection. We've been together in many other lifetimes besides this one. Which makes me wonder why I only came into her life this time...at the end. That kinda bugs me.
Anyway... girls have come and gone... and I remain... I have watched her go thru women like water... yet I remain. These women want more from her than she can give. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no expectations of her. And I'm the only one she can come back to at any time, without any expectations.
They ask me what can they do, what is the problem... and I tell them... you have to accept Lee as she is. There's no other choice. She is not going to change for anyone. She wants to make you happy, but she cannot be tied down.
Either accept the situation the way it is, right here, right now... or cut your losses and move on.
They don't get it. And yet, I remain.
I have accepted that she will never be mine. I have accepted that she's working out some karmic agenda. I also realize that I really don't want that kind of relationship with her, but I would like a little more attention from her. But that's not going to happen, as long as she keeps to this agenda of hers. What I have done has been to create space for her to be... with me... without any expectations. So imagine my surprise when she hit on me a few weeks ago.
WindRider posted on Apr 23, 2007
| views: 281
Comments
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silverwhisper said on Apr 23, 2007....
windrider, i don't think i understand what you mean about lee working out a karmic agenda, i'm afraid.
i am however very sorry about her health. is it possible that she's trying to avoid relationships because she knows she's closer to the finish line than the starting line?
ed -
WindRider said on Apr 23, 2007....
silver... You do understand... -
silverwhisper said on Apr 23, 2007....
ah...one would hope though that she could accept that you already know the score, wouldn't one?
ed -
WindRider said on Apr 23, 2007....
I don't know... in some ways, I think she does.
She said one night that I would be the one to find her (when she passes) and that it would be up to me to tell the rest of the posse...
I don't know. I'm really struggling with this.
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silverwhisper said on Apr 23, 2007....
OK, stupid question: what's your best case scenario here?
ed -
WindRider said on Apr 23, 2007....
Best case scenario??? That she outlives us all... that she realizes that everything she needs is right here...
I am not in love with her...
I am NOT in love with her...
I am NOT IN LOVE...
dammit.
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dailyachesandpains said on Apr 23, 2007....
Have you told Lee? I mean straight out?Daily -
WindRider said on Apr 23, 2007....
Told her... what? That I love her? I don't.
We've had conversations all about the nature of our relationship. We are good friends, and AS FRIENDS, we love each other. But she has told me, I don't love you "like that"...
And I am telling the truth when I say I do NOT want that type of relationship with her. But I would like to spend more time with her. However, what does it sound like when I get pissed off that some new girlfriend of hers takes her away from what little time I get to spend with her...
I am NOT in love with her...
Not much.
dammit.
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genalonewolf said on Apr 23, 2007....
Are you completely sure that you are not? Does your stomach flutter when you see her or do you get a sense of calm and warming when you spend time with her? Do you find yourself thinking of her more and more with each passing day? you just said that you get upset when her girlfriend takes her away from the time you could be spending with her. Ask yourself these questions and think on it real hard and then answer them to the best of your ability. Some would say that it is obvious, but that is really for you to decide. -
WindRider said on Apr 24, 2007....
Yeah, it is obvious. I do love Lee, unconditionally as my friend and sister. What I'm struggling with is that I fear I may be falling in love with her personally. And since I'm asking that question... I already have my answer.
My problem is that I do not want to be in love with her. Its only going to lead to heartache and pain. She's never going to consider me as partner material, besides the fact that she doesn't even want a partner. She just wants all of us to have fun. Her "theme song" these days is "Live Like You Were Dying".
I hate that song.
I thought I could handle the change in our relationship (Friends With Benefits). And for the most part, it hasn't changed anything... except that now more than ever, I want to spend more time with her. And that's just not going to happen.
*big sigh*
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silverwhisper said on Apr 24, 2007....
windrider, what's the worst that happens if she hits on you again and you say yes?
ed -
KayRoseOrchid said on Apr 24, 2007....
no matter what happens, you'll still be hurt...don't you think? you are still in a relationship with her, whether it be friend/roommate/friend with benefits. When the relationship ends, there will be sadness. I say, carpe diem! -
dailyachesandpains said on Apr 24, 2007....
I agree with Kay. No matter what, it's going to happen with pain!She sounds VERY sick, that's got to hold pain for you in and of itself. This love has to hurt all around! I'm so sorry!{{{{HUGS}}}}Daily -
WindRider said on May 10, 2007....
Yeah... this is a painful relationship. It is nothing that I asked for, and yet it presents me with challenges that I know are going to benefit me in the long run. I believe in the saying that, "Lessons easily learned are easily forgot"...
I take comfort in the fact that she trusts me and cares about me. And if that's the extent of her "reciprocation", then I accept that.
I will move on. I'm certain that when someone out there takes a fancy to me, and I to her, I will feel much differently.
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rmuxagirl said on Jun 06, 2007....
It's completely possible that she tries to stay away from any meaningful romantic relationship because she knows she won't be here long. And like Kay said carpe diem I don't think this wonderful person you described would hit on you if nothing was there.
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