Do you believe that an intimate relationship should be based on absolute complete unflinching brutal honesty?
Or do you believe that omitting those little truths that would cause nothing but harm in the telling is okay?
Comments
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silverwhisper said on Apr 13, 2007....
i believe that certain truths (e.g., "o, you're kinda flabby") ought not to be broadcast, but as far as the important stuff, how you feel, absolutely. i believe it's impossible to have a good and healthy relationship without honesty.
ed -
Tinkerman said on Apr 13, 2007....
i place TRUST higher than Honesty, in a relationship. -
beyondtheveil said on Apr 13, 2007....
lady- I do not believe that "complete unflinching brutal honesty" is proper in any kind of relationship.I agree with Ed on the feelings and honesty in a personal relationship. -
TinSoldier said on Apr 13, 2007....
What ed and beyondtheveil said. There should be nothing brutal about honesty unless you are directly asked a question.
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hunter_boyce_chandler said on Apr 13, 2007....
I heard somewhere that a marriage is a conspiracy of lies. In order to survive you both must silently agree to forget those things that would be harmful to the union and remember those that make the union strong whether they in fact are real or not. Where two conspire the bond holds.
I like that.
HBC
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secretlife said on Apr 13, 2007....
brutal honesty is not part of my nature. nor part of any of my intimate relationships.
if the only thing a brutal truth can do is cause harm or hurt, then i don't see how that could be construed as loving behavior.
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MissMimi said on Apr 13, 2007....
I like what Hunter said. That describes my marriage pretty well.
It kind of depends though. If it's brutal honesty about something positive about your SO, then it's all good and happiness reigns throughout the land. But if it's negative brutal honesty, and I think that's what LG is talking about, well, then my view is keep it to yourself. -
LadyGamer said on Apr 13, 2007....
Well...positive things are not usually considered brutal. -
silverwhisper said on Apr 13, 2007....
in your case LG, i suspect that the well-chosen compliment could indeed be quite brutal. :>
yes, that's a compliment, doofus. :>
ed -
lioneljay said on Apr 13, 2007....
I'm another whose experience supports hunter's comment. There's a certain amount of quiet that has to be left alone in a long-term relationship is to prosper. That said, if being unflinchingly honest with your SO is the only way to encourage growth, then unflinching honesty is what you should give. -
MissMimi said on Apr 13, 2007....
Honesty is a two way street. If you give your SO total honesty, then you better be ready to be totally honest with yourself. That's not an easy thing to do, to admit and accept certain things about yourself that make you squirm a little.
I know that in my marriage, certain illusions have to remain in place. It's less than honest but it's necessary in order for the marriage to survive. -
dailyachesandpains said on Apr 13, 2007....
I think the only person I can be brutally honest to is my MIL and I'm going to keep it that way :-) My Husband is so nice when I ask "Do I look fat" and he says I don't, I want to keep it that way too!Daily -
uniquely-ironic said on Apr 13, 2007....
The term brutal honesty always make me think "license to insult without conscience".Regardless of how high we regard the truth, everyone lies, whether by omission or deceiving. The big stuff you have to be kindly honest about, the little stuff you can fudge on.When I am pondering whether or not to be honest with someone I ask 2 questions.1. Will my honesty help the situation?2. Am I being honest to save my conscience or because they need to know? -
gingersoul said on Apr 13, 2007....
If i am asked to be honest, i will be honest.
I am known to be pretty direct and blunt, never intending being so in a mean way. My friends knows it and when they ask they are ready to be answered in this way. I think this is what built their trust and confidence in me.
I wouldn't do to you any favor if you want my honest opinion and i give you a diluted one....
And i wouldn't want anything different by you.......
In a relationship or marriage, its just a matter of understanding how your partner reacts to honesty and lovinlgy adjusting the level and intensity of it.......bending is good if you dont want break.....:-)
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mom said on Apr 13, 2007....
I won't say something just to hurt someones feelings and as far as brutal honesty is concerned, I will if I think it needs to be said but as a rule I try to use tact or not say anything at all. -
brokenandused said on Apr 13, 2007....
I agree with mom, in the respect that if i have to be brutually honest, i try to use some tact.i also agree with hunter, well said!honesty is very tricky, as it can come back at you on a certain level. but i think it is essential to a healthy relationship and it's good for your own soul! -
mystrongopinions said on Apr 13, 2007....
As Billy Joel said...Honesty...is such alonely word...everyone is so untrue...The hardest relationship to show trueunflinching honesty is usually withourselves....once we can tell it like it isto ourselves....building a trustingrelationship with someone else, shouldn'tbe as much of a challenge...But we don't acknowledge who we reallyare half the time...and the lies begin...we tell ourselves we're not REALLY assensitive...or envious...or sexually driven...or attracted to someone else....or confused...so how tell our loved ones anything else?Be true to yourself first....and then choosewhat part of yourself you want to share...with the ones you care about....Loving isn't about telling it all....it's aboutshowing it all without telling all that much... -
mom said on Apr 13, 2007....
mystrong-very nice. :) -
mystrongopinions said on Apr 13, 2007....
Thanks mom, Smiles. -
polarheart said on Apr 14, 2007....
LadyG, there is a Scripture in the Bible that says "Love covers a multitude of sins". . .to me this means in modern day terms the old "Love is blind" thing. I am specifically talking now about the closest relationships in my life. -
RollingC said on Apr 14, 2007....
The hardest thing in any relationship resembling marriage is keeping totally honest. There are many parts of the puzzle of marriage and relationships that don't always fit real well and to hit honesty levels correctly without hurting feelings is really a judgment call on your part. Honesty can hurt and lead to denial, which causes another set of consequences.
I also like Hunter's description best but to keep honesty at a healthy level is the key to trusting your partner and without trust....there goes the relationship.
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ShudderBug said on Apr 14, 2007....
I think lies is the only way to maintain a relationship. Honesty to that degree is not smart. Even if asked lie if it will keep peace. That kind of honesty only works in movies and books. -
hotaka said on Apr 14, 2007....
I prefer to keep the potentially hurtful things to an absolute minimum. Basically, in my case I am very honest and trustworthy. I just don't tell her things like, "That girl at Starbuck's was really cute," or "The girl who sat next to me was friggin' hot! If I were single I would have loved to..." Since I don't act on those impulses I have nothing to hide. But I think every relationship has some small detail here and there that should be omitted from daily conversation. -
biglove said on Apr 14, 2007....
I think the only way you can truely have an intimate relationship is with unflinching honesty. Trust and honesty go hand in hand, you can't have one without the other...if I asked my husband if the pants I'm wearing makes me look fat, and in his opinion they do, he needs to tell me....if he doesn't tell me the truth because it might hurt my feelings about some pants I have on, then what other things could he be hiding from me to spare me pain? The truth hurts...and when it comes to honesty, you shouldn't ask a question if you can't handle what the answer might be.I grew up in a family of secrets, lies and denials and it has scared me for life...I will not lie to anyone about anything...if you ask me something be sure you really want to know the answer before hand. Now, I'm not nasty about it...and I never want to hurt anyones feelings, so I use humor when telling someone thing that might hurt...and I never offer up some personal honesty unless asked first, or it is something that I must say for my own well being.However, I find being brutally honest with myself is so much harder than being honest with someone else...and it seems to take more time to come clean with myself. -
missb said on Apr 14, 2007....
LG,
I agree with Ed. There are some things that are better off unspoken in a relationship.
I'm also like SL. Brutal honestly isn't part of my nature either. Sometimes i don't even have the heart to tell a friend that she looked ridiculous in that outfit. If she asked i just said, yeah it's nice. Call it some kind of a white lie.
Unless of course i was trying to be nasty and say something bad, then i'd probably say those brutal honestly just for the sake of being nasty.
Cheers!
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boyzmom said on Apr 14, 2007....
I just think if I can be brutally honest with someone even if it's hurtful, then I am leaving myself open for the worst they can say to me. They will either try to say something hurtful to me or say nothing at all. The only thing my ex could say when I called him a bad dad was that I am a fat mom. If that's the worse thing he can say about my parenting, then I actually am glad that I was honest with him.
I try to be brutally honest with my sister, who has been hurtful/ unhealthy towards her children to get her to open up her eyes and see what she is doing. I can see how being brutally honest could be kind of selfish, self-serving to make one look better by not having the same flaws as another person but I don't intend it that way and I think people can perceive that. And I point out my own flaws and the journey I've been on, to show others that being willing to change my ways has helped me and my kids.
I guess I think about what to say so that I don't feel like I am out there offending people and I try not to be offended when someone is honest with me. I sometimes forget that some people don't think like me, they are not as comfortable with themselves as I am at this point in my life and my words could hurt but they also could teach that person something. I guess I do hold back my true feelings sometimes to keep the peace.
I think it really depends on the relationship and how willing the people in that relationship are to rock the boat when it needs to be rocked and jumping overboard when things become irrepairable!
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