I've hesitated to post this because I know I have so many difficulties with my husband that you've all been privy to. It must seem like whining and complaining about him has become an unattractive habit I've picked up along the way. In the post I wrote about my father-in-law, I tried very hard to explain that I understand why my husband is the kind of father he is.
Through the years of our marriage, I have more or less picked up the slack and mothered twice as hard to make up for the lack of fatherly emotional support my children had. It may not have been the best solution to the problem, as it came with a price I am now paying.
Something happened last Friday that was truly a light bulb moment for me. B surprised me by taking the afternoon off. I heard his key in the lock about 1:30, and after I figured out who it was and not some bad guy, my first reaction was "Go back to work -- I don't want to deal with you now!" Being in my husband's company has become something to be endured. I dread his coming home nearly every day. Just like I used to dread my father's coming home. Bingo. I've somehow connected my husband and my father. My reactions to them are very similar. Mostly I just shut up and withdraw, and take a deep breath when they leave.
This is my shameful little secret. B and I no longer share a bed. No big fights, no drama; one night became two and then three. It's been surprisingly easy to become accustomed to it. It made me sad at first, but I don't even feel that any more.
Our sex life is non-existent. I'm pretty convinced that we'll never be intimate again unless I initiate it. We now have the stereotypical middle-aged sexless marriage. Sometimes I wonder if all the women who reach their 40's and 50's and lose their libido aren't just tired and fed up with their marriages. There's that inner cynic again.
This situation has become the elephant sitting in the corner that neither of us acknowledges. It's settled in, and the pile of dung is getting deeper and deeper. We need to talk. It's just that simple and just that complex. I doubt we ever will unless I, once again, bring the subject up. It's the right thing to do, and I should do just that. I should. But I can't bring myself to do it. Not yet.
