But for a single decision, how different life might have been. But it's silly to look back now and think of what could have been.
Instead I must learn to face the what is--a life that I have made, the house that is not a home, a life that holds me, traps me, and stabs at my soul.
I must learn to not love him, not long for him, not want him because he--we--can never be.
Yet there it is, singing just beneath the surface, waiting, watching, wanting to burst free. And I tamp it down fiercely. I deny it to him and to myself repeatedly. It is horrible and beautiful all at once because it feeds my soul and strips it bear simultaneously.
What could have been will never be.
Beautiful_Wreck posted on Apr 08, 2007
| views: 363
Comments
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silverwhisper said on Apr 09, 2007....
i am so sorry to read this, beautiful wreck. i can hear your soul shred with each word of this.
ed -
Beautiful_Wreck said on Apr 09, 2007....
Thanks so much, Silver. It's nice to know someone out there is listening.
My soul, my heart is like strips of confetti blown about in the wind these days. This time, I don't know if I can stitch them back together again.
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silverwhisper said on Apr 09, 2007....
is there anything a sympathetic ear can do for you?
ed -
Beautiful_Wreck said on Apr 09, 2007....
I find that sympathy is often a fickle thing when it comes to complicated matters of the heart. -
silverwhisper said on Apr 09, 2007....
you must of course do as you feel best. however, i'd be surprised if i should prove to be so, as i am a stranger to you and hence, have no stake in the matter, no?
ed -
Beautiful_Wreck said on Apr 09, 2007....
Oh, goodness, forgive me. You were referring to yourself as the sympathetic ear. I'm terribly sorry. I didn't quite pick that up.
And yes, you are a stranger and have no vested interest in the affairs of my heart.
Thank you, Silver. That is most kind of you. But right now, I'm barely at the point of being able to see past the shreds of my soul. I'm trying to figure out a way to vocalize this for myself.
Part of it simply a continuation of what I wrote about last November/December. I know I haven't posted much. I go through fits and starts when it comes to deciding if airing the ache of my heart and soul is here is actually a beneficial thing for me or not.
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silverwhisper said on Apr 09, 2007....
that's quite all right. :>
you will make your choice at some point, i'm sure. i'm looking forward to learing what your decision is. i would like to point out, however, that very simply, if you don't have another soul to whom you can entrust this in your daily life, this place may serve as a useful refuge. it serves that role for many of our fellow soulcasters.
just a thought. :>
ed -
Beautiful_Wreck said on Apr 12, 2007....
Thanks, Silver. I'll keep that in mind.
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