Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Hello everybody and I would like to welcome you to today’s edition of bad things happen to bad people. Today’s subject is Chris the youngest of the legal males of the Radney clan. He is currently on a boat bored out of his motherfucking mind, he thinks he saw his Christmas spirit though not just the spirit of Chris that lives in him year round. Anyway today at 8:30 they are going to give him a smallpox brief. He will yawn, he will struggle to stay awake as the doctor explains to him with the help of his slideshow how the smallpox virus could kill Chris if he were to contract this deadly dead virus. Then they will proceed to show him how he needs to get vaccinated against this thing that is no longer with us, kinda like digging a hole around your house to keep dinosaurs out.
When that is completed they will give him just over 4 hours to think, gee golly this shit is really gonna suck but I can’t do much about it. Then I’m going to get thinking about the bloody scar that wanker is going to leave on me. Nobody said anything about a scar, and now when I’m old and some of my siblings have children, which actually has already happened I’ll be telling hardcore war stories. I can see it now. It was the year two thousand and three, of our Lord, when I went into the deserts of Iraq armed with only an M16, my wits and three grenades. . . I took out half a battalion before one of them shot my friend in the stomach, he needed immediate medical attention and thinking of the greater good I scooped him up over one shoulder and carried him to the rear under heavy fire. Uncle Doc why isn’t he around to tell the story with you? Well you see there was this sniper as we were running and he was the best, they called him Al Mahjid Baldula Oblongata <~~holy shit I spelled that right in one try, and this sniper was so good that he never missed, cept me. See he was trying to kill me so he could get at my friend Charlie but at the last minute I heard the bullet and I jumped. The bullet hit Charlie in the head but it only grazed the back of my arm. ::lifts his shirt up to show his scar:: that is what he did to me. I’ll never forget my motivating days as a member of the USMC and if any of you think of joining I’ll break your arms and your legs and a couple of ribs for good measure.
Well I’m back from getting smallpox. It is the most annoying thing I have ever had stuck in me. It itches all to hell and makes you want to rip the bandage off and scratch it to hell with any consequences. Its not even a fucking vaccine its an inoculation which I can say from my entire 5 minutes of experience it sucks. Big time. Saddam better start some shit cus I have a lot of anger to take out on anybody who is dumb enough to stand inbetween me and say any random location on this planet. I will kill the other Chris if I get back if he doesn’t give me the information I need with a quickness. See if I’m playin. I would love to give my own eulogy. I hope your reading minds today Jayde cus that one was sent out for you, much anger because I seem to be taking the brunt of bad shit meant for people named Chris somebody needs to call up Tucker and Rock and Singleton and any other person named Chris and tell them to take their fair share this shit is getting out of hand. Way out of hand. Well there might be more bitching but since I can’t actually fill an entire page with colorful terms that all mean pretty much the same thing. Instead I will save you the trouble cus I’m really not trying to drag this out so it will be accomplished in the same one word I used earlier. This sucks you stupidumbshitgoddamnmotherfucker!
Day 27, Well now that I know why people don’t want to go to hell I think I’m ready to be good. With any luck I will get over this.
Christopher Allan Radney
