SeanRenaud did a post regarding adoption that triggered a few thoughts for me. They arent relative to SRs post other than that these comments are about adoption.
I was a war baby. The love child of soldier and his girfriend. Circumstances were such that my birth mother chose to give me up for adoption. Her motives in my mind were well intentioned. The results for me had both positive and negative affects.
As a child I was keenly aware that I had no physical resemblence to my cousins. It was most noticeable with my mothers nephews and neices. Tall blonde slender nordic people were in great contrast to this short stocky auburn haired Scotish child. There were 'ladder' pictures taken of us from the time that there were three until there were nine. Those were the times that the difference was most noticeable.
Beyond the physical differences it was soon evident that even my thought patterns and my way of doing things was in opposition to the other eight. A greater awareness came when I became the parent of three biological children. The experience of seeing my features and my characteristics in another human was brand new to me. Before they came along no one had ever said "Does Botoni ever look like......" or "Do you notice how much Botoni and ........ have the same personality?"
A triggering event that led me to search for my birth parents was the realization of the importance of genetic histories. I had knowledge of the illnesses of both my parents up until the time of my birth but in the following thirty some years I knew nothing. It took me twenty some years to actually track my birth mother. That search was done prior to the open information policies that are currently in place.
What an amazing thing when I met my mother. She came through the airport and I knew her immediately! By the time that event occurred I had seen pictures of her. It was obvious that the resemblences were striking from those pictures. In real life there was no question I was her child. Her face is my face. Her structure is much like mine. I inherited a very unusually shaped foot from her. Everyone in my birth family comments that I am almost the only great grandchild who inherited a specific and extraordinary eye color.
Sometime later I met both of my mothers other children. My two half sisters are equally identifiabley connected to me. Anyone could pick the three of us out of a crowd and know that we are siblings. Even more amazing to us all are the similiarities in how we do things. I once believed that much of our attitudes, our humor our body motion is a result of nuture. With we three there is a very strong arguement for nature rather than nurture. We walk alike, we phrase sentences similiarly, we stand in similiar positions and our gestures are similiar.
Even the appearance and demeanor of my newly found nephew and neices is quickly recognized in my own children. Our connections are strong in physical and mental arenas as well as in the emotional.
My adoptive family are still my 'real' family for lack of a better way to describe it. Now I just have a larger family. Much more could be said but for the moment this is enough.
botoni posted on Apr 02, 2007
| views: 451
Comments
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dailyachesandpains said on Apr 02, 2007....
Oh BOT!!!! That's so wonderful that you got to meet your birth mother. I can't imagine the feelings you both felt!!!It may have been enough for you now, to write about, but I am anxious to hear more!We tried to help a friend find his birth mother, and when we finally thought we had her, he couldn't do it. He didn't have it in him to contact her. He felt, in a way, that he would be hurting the parent's that raised him as their own. His adopted Dad passed away recently, and he says he now has more of a reason not to contact her. He doesn't want to suffer the loss, should she pass away after meeting her!{{{{{hugs}}}}}Daily -
MissMimi said on Apr 02, 2007....
botoni, this touched me very much. May I ask Polar for your e-mail address? -
botoni said on Apr 02, 2007....
daily......you say the sweetest things! I lol do more now and then as time wanders on.
Its a very real struggle to make that final contact. Sometimes just having the information and knowing it is there is enough. Every person feels differently. I told my adoptive mom that I wanted to do the search. She thought about for some time and eventually said it would be all right with her but she didnt want to know the results. I ve respected that wish. In a strange way she granted me permission by giving me all the information she had......I didnt tell her it was to late and that I already had everything she had to offer.
MissMimi......you are most welcome to get my email from Polar....I d love to hear from you via that method! -
secretlife said on Apr 02, 2007....
botoni: how great is that that you got to meet your birth mother and family? i think there's alot more to the nature portion of that nature/nurture agument than we are ready to admit.....i know environment can impact us. but as you point out, perhaps the way we think and how we see the world is also due, in part to our genes.
have you seen those studies on identical twins raised apart? those are some more fuel for the 'nature' side of the fire...
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silverwhisper said on Apr 02, 2007....
botoni, that's truly extraordinary! i imagine you must've been nervous about meeting her for the first time. i can't imagine the things that were going through your mind at the time.
ed -
polarheart said on Apr 02, 2007....
Bot, I am so pleased to hear of the good outcome of your life of adoption. It is wonderful that you now have such a large family, some knitted to you by emotional chords others by genetic chords. That thing about "blood is thicker than water" is not always correct, I believe love is thicker than blood. Great if you can have two in one :-)I will let MissMimi have your email address right away!Polar (((hugs)))) -
skald said on Apr 02, 2007....
Botoni.It is amazing how much we really have in the genes. I am so glad for you that you found your mother and siblings. A good friend of ours is also a war child son of a British soldier and Icelandic mother who went to England. i might blog about him someday. He never saw his father and does not know who he was.
I know what you mean by loving your family and that they will always be your family. And that you just have a bigger family now.
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botoni said on Apr 02, 2007....
Secret....It really was a terrific experience!...A giggle for you though. Of all things in life I detest the prize goes to Karaoke! Would you believe one of my sisters insisted on meeting me in a karaoke bar and presented all her family and several friends there. Then subjected me to 3 hours of .....you guessed it karaoke. What the hell happened to genetics there!...hehehehe
Yes I ve seen some of the idnetical twin studies....some truly amazing stuff in there.
Silver.....The biggest nerves was the initial contact by phone. I was shaking like a leaf and had rehersed my opening words a million times. Dont even try to imakine the things that go through my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!.....totally unchartered territory!
Polar.....Yay! I m so excited that our devine MissM is getting my email! Thanks for the phrase....love is thicker than blood will be a favorite of mine. -
secretlife said on Apr 02, 2007....
bot: fess up. i just know deep down inside, you really did want to stand up and do your own rendition of You Ain't Nothin But A Hound Dog! -
doyoulikeme said on Apr 02, 2007....
I truly needed a story like this today. It's amazing I'm glad that you got to meet you birth mother and to create a bond with her big HUGE -
wombat said on Apr 02, 2007....
An amazing and touching story, botoni. I am glad you met your birth mother also. May I ask what that extraordinary eye color is? -
pascodelta said on Apr 02, 2007....
Congratulations, bot. Uplifting -
botoni said on Apr 02, 2007....
secret............LOL......My singing can clear a bar in record time. I ve never been drunk enough to think I could sing.
doyoulikeme.....awww glad I could make your day.
wambat.....thanks......hmmm.....My eye color is distinctly 'UMMMH?'...techincally I think they might be hazel but they are blue/green/brown/yellow sort of kalidascopic and they change with my surroundings and moods. Right weird is what they are.
pasco....thanks my friend.
all of you...thanks for the sweet comments -
wombat said on Apr 02, 2007....
I would have expected nothing less.... Bet you are very handsome and mysterious. -
mom said on Apr 02, 2007....
Bot- that is so great, I have heard many sad adoption stories and you don't have one to tell. Do yo fill that a void has been filled? Has your biological mother met your adopted mother? Wouldn't that be great to get them altogether -
mobil said on Apr 02, 2007....
Years ago, they always referred to the John Dillinger, Beethoven thing whentalking about nurturing. Neither were adopted, but Dillinger came from a goodhome and Beethoven from a God awful one.My wife's cousin adopted two children at different times. Both were babieswhen adopted. They both had the advantage of the same things in lifegrowing up, yet they were very different and not just in the way that kidsfrom the same families are different.I've heard so much about the babies adopted from Romania, these withoutbenefit of any nurturing. Bottles propped up in their cribs and no time for themother than a diaper change and this type of feeding. There was noconnectivity for the babies brain, no development in that way.I guess I have gone all around the horn here botoni to say; who knowswhat effect genes and nurturing have in the overall? I would agree thatgenes play the bigger roll in how we are, but nurturing a bigger role in whowe are, if that makes any sense lol........thanks botoni......interesting post andyou seem to have turned out quite well genes and nurturing. -
boyzmom said on Apr 02, 2007....
This is a great story Bot! I just couldn't imagine all the emotions involved. My grandma used to do foster care for children and there was one she had for about 4 years before being adopted and she had such a hard time letting the baby go, she quit doing foster care because of the size of her family they never really had the option to adopt those special babies. She talks about them like they are part of the family still and once in a while she hears about them from relatives that stayed in touch with them. It's almost like they were her children and I imagine that family talking about you like you have always been part of the family. I hope that makes sense? -
hotaka said on Apr 03, 2007....
I'm adopted. I have always known because my mother always told me I was extra special since she had to wait so long to get me.
In my early twenties I met a woman who was adopted, had given a child up for adoption and had adopted a child herself. She invited me to a meeting where many people discussed looking for their children they gave up for adoption or people who were looking for their birth parents. It didn't bite me. I had no real interest. I was slightly curious but somehow I felt my mother might feel as though she was not enough for me if I went looking for someone who was my "real" mother.
I wonder if I have any siblings and if they look like me and act like me. I have been told many times that I resemble Jerry Sienfeld. My hair is like his when it gets longer, my way of speaking and moving are like him, what I say is like him. Many people, many people, have told me this. I wonder...?
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Alyss said on Apr 03, 2007....
botoni, I'm glad your reunion answered so many of your questions and that your family grew as a result.
My children spent some years in their birth family prior to be taken into care and then adopted. They have siblings with whom they have no contact which is very sad, but I suppose at least they and we know of their existence.
I met my children's birth mother and the youngest's birth father and they were just ordinary people. It is still very hard to rationalise the people I met with the people who did such terrible things to their children...
I know my children will seek out their birth parents and I have said I will help. I just hope that when the time comes they have become their own people sufficiently to decide wisely about what level of interaction they want.
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mommyof2 said on Apr 03, 2007....
Bot, my eyes are the same....ever heard the song,Kaleidoscope by XTC? -
CreativeWoman said on Apr 03, 2007....
It's a wonderful and uplifting story. Thanks for sharing it.
CW
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botoni said on Apr 03, 2007....
wombat......naaaaaaaaaaaaawwww. But thanks for the thought.....hehehehe
mom....maybe not a void has been filled but perhaps more like a circle has been completed if that makes any sense. I would have loved my two moms to meet and my birth mom would have too. My adoptive mom didnt want to even know that I found my birth family so we have respected her wish.
mobil.....I try to present that I ve turned out pretty well......lol. The nature/nurture thing is interesting to me. I have three daughters. One is totally different from the other two. They have the same genes, had the same influences and yet are polar opposites. Life is strange.
boyzmom....You re right there is a sense of having always been a part of my birth family. I ve an affinity for family histories so some of my discoveries have given me a stronger sense of belonging. I ve been a foster parent as well and I can sympathise with how difficult it is to give up a child, genetic or not. Once you love them you love them.
Hotaka....You make a very good point. Some adoptees never feel a need to connect with birth families. I respect that. We all need to make choices that are right for ourselves. A part of my desire to search was motivated by the fact that I was raised an only child and wanted siblings. (I got a 50/50 deal there....one sister is a delight the other.....hmmmm....not so much....lol) Like you I knew all my life that I was adopted.
Jerry Sienfeld eh? Very interesting. Who knows what connections could exist. Wouldnt it be wild if you stumbled on information that revealed you are related?
Alyss....Thanks I m glad my reunion worked out as well as it did. Certainly not all do.
I m so sorry that the birth parents did things to your children. I ve trouble understanding how people can mistreat children.
You are a wonderful parent to recognize that your children will/might want to search out their birth parents and siblings. With you, I hope they have the maturity to set their boundries. I can tell your a great mom and you ll help them have the strenth of character they need.
mommyof2.......holy shit!....very few people have our eye color. You think we ve got some hidden connectors?......I ll track the XTC song....havent yet heard it but I will!
CW......thanks for reading and commenting. -
mommyof2 said on Apr 04, 2007....
Bot, Could have, there are adopted ones in my family... -
botoni said on Apr 04, 2007....
mommyof2.......I m relatively sure there are folks in my family history who 'got around' a little. As an example.....I mentioned the aunt who would have nothing to do with me. Part of her reason was that she had six (count em) six children she gave up for adoption. She didnt want them surfacing. Strangely the three sons that she raised went searching and found the other six after Aunty died. So who knows where genes have been sprinkled? -
botoni said on Apr 04, 2007....
For those of you who are interested in adoption stories there is a new SCer. Look for 'adoption story' or snag to the writer found below in related posts. Good writing. -
missunderstood1162 said on Apr 04, 2007....
Botoni..you know I love you no matter where you come from. When you and I have talked mothers have you been referring to your birth mother or adopted mother? hee hee......just checking. Love, Miss -
botoni said on Apr 04, 2007....
MissyUndieless................always the adoptive mother. Darling lady that she is....she has had her fare share of 'quirks'. -
MissMimi said on Apr 04, 2007....
Oh, so now it's undie-less? Undies, whatever have you been up to? -
botoni said on Apr 05, 2007....
MissingUndies.......I knows ya loves me!....hehehehe....Hot damn...I loves ya too!.
MissMimi................Sush.....I quietly slipped in to Missings wardrobe a snatched ALL her undies!...........The hot pink lace ones are my favorite! -
MissMimi said on Apr 05, 2007....
Ooooh, Botikins, do tell, darling! Details, please... -
StillSeeking said on Jun 09, 2007....
WOW, that is a really compelling story -- thank you!
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daughter1989 said on Jan 06, 2008....
Botoni--I'm adopted too but i haven't found my birthmom yet. I've never met someone that looked like me either...or had the same mannerisms...
Comment on "adoption"
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