• MissMimi said on Mar 29, 2007....

  Oh, sheis... This makes me very sad. I can only say that for so many years, this was me. It's so exhausting to keep a mask in place all the time so you can hide your pain. I'm going to say something very cliche and trite. Have you thought of discussing these dark feelings with your doctor?
  I'm sorry, I know that doesn't sound very brilliant. But it was the first step I took.
  I hope you somehow find some peace. You deserve to be happy. I wish you the best.

• secretlife said on Mar 29, 2007....

  so many of us wear these masks.

  it's easy to think you are the only one....but know you aren't.

  my wish for you is what mimi said.  that you would find a doctor to talk to about these feelings....to take the step to help yourself.

• gingersoul said on Mar 29, 2007....

  She........it looks like i was reading myself in your words.....

  The perfect mom at the Pta meetings, soccer games, bringing cookies to the teachers and volunteering for the Girls Scout.....many times i found myself in those situations thinking "What am i doing? Why am i here? Is this my life?"...

  We all fall in these dark holes...

  You are steps foward  though....

  She.....how long will you play with this danger? I so hope you could talk with somebody able to really help you...before its too late..{{{hugs}}}

   

• sheissilent said on Mar 30, 2007....

  Miss M, Secret and Ginger,
  Thank you for your kind words. It DOES help to know I'm not the only one. Sometimes I just want to scream at these other moms, they can't all be perfect can they?
  Just as a side note, I have been on antidepressants for several years now. I have come to the conclusion that I will probably always be on them. The one time I went off (cold turkey no less) was a HUGE mistake.
  I haven't seen my therapist for quite awhile. It was helpful, but at the same time, so emotional and painful that I was just too exhausted to stay with it. It took so much out of me to have to be honest to someone face to face.
  It's so easy for me to pour out my problems here, when I don't have to see you. :)
   
  I just get frustrated. I know (logically) that depression is a chemical imbalance and not my fault, but in my heart, I can't help but think that it is just my personal shortcomings, that I just don't have the heart and the courage and the strength that I should, and I am frustrated, ashamed and saddened by my lack of mental toughness. I mean, why can't I just snap out of it? So disheartening.
   
  This will sound silly, but being able to write about this on my blog has helped a lot. I could never EVER admit to "real" people what I have written here. To admit I have an STD and a myriad of other problems took a weight off my heart, especially when people were so kind about it. I really did expect to be crucified over my mistakes, because people can be so judgemental. But no one did, and it made me feel a little better.
   
  So thank you. :)

• secretlife said on Mar 30, 2007....

  she:  just as i'm sure that when people see you with your mask on and think you are perfect...that's how it is for the rest of us alot of the time too...all looking around and seeing other women who look happy and content making brownies and attending pta meetings....everyone.....everyone has their problems.  everyone gets dissatisfied with their lives...and everyone wonders how the other women survive and why they look so damn happy all the time.
   
  what makes it harder for you is that you don't have a partner who can make you feel good about yourself...who can take you out of the 'mommy' role once in a while and make you feel like a desireable woman ...who can give you something to look forward to.....even if it's once a month.  
   
   It's very difficult to live without affection from a man.  I find myself often wishing just to be held and touched.  and it's not because my kids don't make me happy - they do.  and it's not because there aren't people who love me...there are.  it's just that it's hard to be pigeonholed into that mom role and see no escape when you feel inside you desperately need SOME escape.  Believe me, i know what it feels like when your insides are screaming "see me!  I'm a woman too!"...
   
  i had to do some pretty drastic things to take...i use the word take because that's what i did......take some of what i needed....basically for sanity sake.
   
  this thing going on between you and your lover -- that's taking its toll on you too. i'm sure you're aware.  you deal with disappointments in your relationship with your husband....and now in the one with lover as well. 
   
  while it's mentally exhausting to talk about these things- and while it hurts alot to talk about them, i still think you should consider calling a therapist again.  i think you need to get these things out.  and i think you would benefit from having someone else help you with it.  I hope you will consider this.

• gingersoul said on Mar 30, 2007....

  She...Secret is right.....nobody is perfect why shoudl i be?

  Now my little game between me and me is asking: ok, which one is their weakness?

  When i see these happy perfect people ....i know now with thw wisdom that comes from age and bad experiences that they are not...

  people like me, you, Mimi, Secret.....we know it....we have been damaged..we have been hurt and we are still hurting..

  We just try our best ...

  But the best choice is stopping pretending....thats what i am choosing....stop pretending i dont miss, i am not a failure, i am strong, i cant do it....

  Just stop pretending and you will feel this huge weight slips off your shoulder...no matter what who loves you will be there for you...

  Your kids will still love you..

  Your man will still love you if he loves you now and if not..it wasn't love ...so why being afraid of  losing it?

  I am glad we helped you a little bit...but still i think you need more than Soulcast...{{{{{hugs}}}}}

• MissMimi said on Mar 30, 2007....

  Sheis, you are definitely not the only one. Look around at all the perky soccer moms, and I'm sure almost every one of them is going home at night, and asking herself, how the f--- did I get to this point, and why am I so miserable?

  I agree with you, Soulcast has been good therapy for me too.  It's like a big online support group, and no one -well, almost no one- judges.  And if occasionally you run across a jerk, unlike RL, you can delete and block them.

  I hope you'll reconsider contacting your counselor.  It is hard work, and it is painful and exhausting and even frightening, because you are cleaning out all the years-old pain you've been carrying around.  I wish you peace, sheis.  I've said this many times to many people:  You deserve to be happy.

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