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I married my father and my boyfriend is a prick

sheissilent posted on Mar 28, 2007 | views: 187 | Tags: ungrateful stupid adult content

Why can't I just be happy with what I have?

What is wrong with me? Why am I so ungrateful?

Seriously, I want to know why I am so stupid. It is frustrating the hell out of me. Everyone around me is happy. Why can't I be? Why do I have to think it's always greener on the other side? Is it just a fundamental personality flaw that I can't fix?

Damn it all.

Pathetic.

Stupid.  Stupid. Stupid. Why won't he call me? He is the only thing I have right now that makes me feel good. But he hasn't even tried to contact me. It's been months. And I refuse to break first. I have decided I am going to be strong, even if it kills me. If I call first, then he wins and I cannot have that. It would take away the little bit of self-confidence I have. But I love him, and I am so angry that he has done this to me. 10 years of friendship and he still acts like a fucking boy. Obviously, you reap what you sow, and so there- I should just be happy that I have what I have. But I can't because I am too spoiled and selfish. That bastard. Now I have no one. I have my kids, but no one to talk to, no one to hug or kiss. I have my husband that is 20 years older than me, but acts not only like my father, but sometimes my fucking grandfather. I am 36, but most people think I am in 20's. He is 56 and looks it. People have mistaken him for my dad. That was okay, until he started acting like it too.

Why can't he see how lonely I am? Does he not want to see? Does he care? He cares about HIS things... .his stupid fishing club. Tonight he went to kiss me goodnight, before he went to HIS room and I went to MINE, and I just stuck my face up and he kissed me on the forehead like a little girl. Didn't even care, just went to bed.  I loved him so much once, and I still love him, but when he treats me like this, I worry that maybe he really does see me as another kid. He doesn't understand me. He doesn't like what I like. We don't talk.

My boyfriend has dumped me. My husband is a stranger to me. I am depressed. My life sucks. If it weren't for my kids, I would just go away. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. 



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Comments

  • rebelyell said on Apr 05, 2007....
    Wow, you know what I have read a couple of your entries now and just cannot figure it, why would anyone stay where it hurt so much? If it is really all that bad maybe you should change something, I fukin hate when people act all poowerless and they are the only ones with the power to change anything in thier lives, GROW THE FUK UP!!
  • LilStinker said on Apr 07, 2007....
    ummmm.... I can relate to this... ummm A LOT... I was married for 17 years. The man didn't know me... would NEVER possibly be able to understand me. I was sooooo lonely with him and our love had been dead and buried years before.... I decided to get out. Divorce him... it turned out to be much easier said than done and actually took me four years... but in the end it was WELL WORTH IT. I had a boyfriend too. Yes, he was also a prick. How big of a prick was he? Well, let's see... he slept with me and a week later he flew to Connecticut AND GOT MARRIED! (to another woman of course) You say the BF is the only one making you happy right now? Oh... don't fool yourself. He's making you miserable. He isn't calling? He's busy with someone else. Forget about him completely.
  • sheissilent said on Apr 09, 2007....
    Thanks Lil, I think you're right. I'm trying to forget him.

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