With ‘talk’ of apologies and financial compensation, where do I register for my share of the ‘Golden Sorry’?...

You may have heard the latest from our ‘illustrious leader’ and general ‘World-Saver’, Tony Blair, that he is deciding whether to make the point of apologising for Britain’s part in the transatlantic slave trade on the 200th anniversary of the Slave Trade Abolition Bill (1807).

Well done, Sir!  I am sure it makes the world of difference to someone; so the fact that it comes without cost or any real ‘mea culpa’ means…what? 

Political rhetoric or a box finally ticked by the old Colonial Masters themselves?

I don’t know, but, my reaction?…er...Cool… thanks.

But, HOLD IT! Right there!  Before you send me packing back to my suburban mid-terrace, with my running water, multi-function remote, central heating, and other post-Colonial, democratic, New World Order opinion stiflers (I’m sorry for that, did I sound ungrateful?).

I’ve heard murmurings – in fact, I’ve heard more than murmurings – about that ‘solve all’, ‘heal all ills’, ‘social sticky plaster’ called ‘Compensation’.

Now I don’t mean to sound shallow, but, where do I sign and is there a website that can answer a few troubling questions?

Being born of a Nigerian father and Irish mother, I have concerns over whether I will receive a fraction (50%?) of the sum agreed per head.  I feel there is an argument for full remuneration even though genetically, some may consider my application to be speculative, at best.  After all, my Father being born in Africa, suggests that it is unlikely that he is a direct off-spring of one of ‘The Taken’ and my Mother being Irish may, in some eyes, reduce my priority….but I have given this some thought and feel that I have a dignified, even if somewhat contentious, retort.

I have a ‘de facto’ case, in that, in the elegant words of Co-Lin Powell, I am a ‘man of colour’ and therefore can argue that I have had a suffering from the historical effects of slavery – I don’t want to show my whole hand, here, I’m sure you understand.

My daughters, however, with a blonde European mother, show very little of the country that gave them their surname so, sorry girls, I don’t think your gonna get paid. Whereas my sons, being of a Jamaican mother, may get more than me, which would be a bit of a liberty…remember, I went through South London in the 70s – that’s got to be worth something…

Further still, presuming the ‘Righteous Givers’ that make the decisions, deem me ‘down-trodden’ enough to qualify, how do I get paid? …and who is doing the paying? 

Now, if I am to be paid by the British Government (go with me on this..), I get a sneaky suspicion, that it will come in the form of a tax break or family credit and not cold, hard, ‘happy paper’.  This would be unacceptable, as I don’t think that paying less tax one month sufficiently recognises 200 years+ of degradation and inhumanity (regardless of my own, yet to be confirmed, aforementioned percentage). The British Government might not be too happy paying again, as they paid out ‘billions’ the last time compensation was paid for the end of the transatlantic slave trade – only that was to the slave owners.  I suppose the ‘owners’ felt the financial loss first, so it’s only right that they should be the ones to get ‘topped-up’ first – anything else just wouldn’t be Cricket.

If the money is to be paid by the World Bank, I presume, I would not receive cash, but have my goods or services of choice delivered or actioned via a western, multi-national – a sort of ‘Under-Privileged’ Privilege Voucher Scheme.  Instead of having my account credited in cash, I would choose my television, DVD player, car or whatever, from a value-filled catalogue and have them delivered direct by SONY, NOKIA etc…that’s how they build infrastructure in Africa, isn’t it? You pick the bridge you want and the Germans get paid to build it – and you then owe the money, plus interest.  The good thing is that you only need pay a fraction of the cost up-front, as they take things from your house as you go along.

If the money comes from The World Health Organisation (very aptly abbreviated to WHO), they would probably require that I wear a permanent condom to prevent any further claims from the same root.  Maybe, they would be happy to pay in instalments after agreed periods of abstinence and restricted social movement.

Maybe the United Nations will be the ones to sort me out, after all, most of their money comes from the ‘Old Guard’ Imperials and New World Dictators (by consent, of course – if you value that remote control and running water).  However, I may have to sign a non-proliferation pact of some sort; promising not to extend my claim with off-spring or further arguments. But, I doubt they would accept that as we all know (given the French and US models), you can just sign out of that whenever you ‘proliferate’ or intend to proliferate – it’s as easy as dodging a bush – no pun intended, of course. 

A rank outsider has got to be the Catholic Church.  As a former leading slave owner, the Church would have suffered greatly at the abolition of the slave trade.  It must have cost them an absolute fortune – and oh, the admin!  Luckily, they were able to charge the ‘freeloading’ former slaves for years of ‘free’ accommodation and food.  Plus, threatening to throw them off their land without a ‘stitch’, leaving them at the mercy of the Lynch Mobs (after all, they were now worthless), was a master stroke that had them coming back in their droves. So they’ve pretty much played their part, I suppose, and they would not appreciate the additional financial ‘hit’.  Besides, they have made a point of not getting financially involved in anything – famine, civil war etc, they have helped out with a few donated food bundles and volunteers (unpaid) and that, but not cash.

And then, there is the US with a big spotlight burning their forehead.  Thomas Jefferson, the principal drafter of the Declaration of Independence and mouthpiece for civil liberties, never freed his slaves and indeed, he wrote that freeing slaves could de-stabilise society.

So, you will be lucky to get any dough or naval-gazing apologies from the US Government – it could open up a whole can of whoopass – so cash for me? ..a mixed race African born in the UK – bit of a long shot. 

It’s just not the American Dream.