• secretlife said on Mar 26, 2007....

  oh i'm so sorry allaround....you poor girl.
  mothers words can cut so deep.....and hurt so much.
  we all want our mother's approval....it's natural to want that.
   
  i know this won't help you -- but i'll say it anyway. 
  i know your mother must feel worse than you do.
   
  do you have a friend you can call tonite?  someone who will be with you while you cry? 
   
  i'm hoping she will call you and apologize....

• mom said on Mar 26, 2007....

  I think she will call and apologize.  Your mother sounds like mine, she used to think I was the spawn of Satan.   Mothers say some pretty bad things and then they feel bad later.  *hugs*    Instead of worrying baout her approval, worry about approval of yourself. :)

• silverwhisper said on Mar 26, 2007....

  honestly, i say to hell with her. do not contact her. she owes you a massive damned apology and until she initiates contact and does so, i say give her nothing but dial tone. it's not enough planning your wedding and the attendant stress, but now she has to pull this crap?
  
  allaroundgirl, i've been reading your blogs about her and i hate to be critical of anyone's parent, but the simple truth is i can't help forming the very clear impression that she's extremely selfish.
  
  i don't recall ever reading you saying that she apologized for her crummy behavior, allaroundgirl, or even acknowledging that she was in the wrong.
  
  if she has, then i've misjudged her.
  
  but if she hasn't, well, sometimes maybe people have to live with the consequences of their mouths.
  
  ed

• frontanack said on Mar 26, 2007....

  Hey allaround... sorry to hear this has happened.  Mothers are usually the only one there when no one else cares.  And when that gets broken down.. it is a pretty big one.  Hope you have a friend to hang with, ... to pass the kleenex or whatevr...

  {{{{{{ { { { { hugs } } } }}}}}} and hope you feel better soon.  Sometimes, you just have to walk away... for however long.

• allaroundgirl said on Mar 26, 2007....

  My mother doesn't apologize, even when she has been proven wrong. She just starts acting like nothing hapened. I still can't wrap my head around today's incident.

  I came by so we could go to the gym together, she suggested we join so we had something to bond with. Foolishly I agreed. So I come by and she's not ready. She can't find her sweat pants in the laundry room. She screams at me, demanding I hand them over. I say "Mom, I don't have your sweat pants...maybe you overlooked them, you have a lot of clothes there, let me help you look"

  She replies by throwing an article of clothing at me and yelling that she already looked, her pants are not there and that I probably stole them. I ignore her and walk to the laundry room and look for the pants...I found them, go to her room and tell her "here they are, they were in the laundry room"

  Rather than stopping there, facing her mistakes she gets madder and accused me of having hidden the pants under my shirt, heading to the laundry room and pretending to find them. She goes on about how I'm such a thief always touching her stuff, how she is so disappointed in me and in the relationship I've picked for myself and on and on bringing old fights from my teen years up.

  Vile words spewed nonstop out of her mouth. When she was done I turned around and walked away. I don't think I'll be going to the gym with her anymore. She won't apologize...in a day or two she'll just act like the fight never happened, she'll be nice and perky as if wiped from her memory. I wish it were that easy for me.

• secretlife said on Mar 26, 2007....

  i'm sure you've done this, but have you tried telling her how badly her words hurt you?  if she doesn't take it well verbally, do you think she'd understand it better in a letter?  it's important that she know how much she hurts you with her words.....
   
  it makes me sad that she can't apologize to you.

• frontanack said on Mar 26, 2007....

  It is very hard when they won't appologize; or get into a snit and accuse on and on, when it has nothing to do with it.. and bring in all sorts of other stuff..

  and then ignore.  act like it didn't happen.  You have to step far away for a while.  Wait for her to ask,, and then calmly tell her exactly how you feel, and what the problem is.  If she really wants a relationship with you, then she may try to work up the gumph to appologize.  But don't beat yourself up over taking a safe distance.  Sometimes, it just has to be.  You are not obligated to take that kind of abuse.  and the ignoring and all makes you crazy... as if you were stupid or dreaming it up.  No.  Not good. 

• D6fer said on Mar 27, 2007....

  allaroundgirl....front is absolutely right....take some time away from your mom...wait for her to contact you...she will act like nothing is wrong....but you have to politely tell her that if she wants a relationship with you that she is going to have to respect you enough to treat you better....let her know how hurtful she was to you.
  BTW....do you think medication could help her? How old is she? Menopausal maybe? I have a sis-in-law that is about that age and she was just a bear for a few years and then she got some help....I think she takes prozac or something like that....she acts much more balanced now....I am not a big fan of prescription drugs...but I think in extreme cases they can be very helpful.

• mom said on Mar 27, 2007....

  D6- I am menopausal and I don't act like a raging lunatic, I do think you are right about her getting medication.  If i didn't have mine, I would be a lunatic, and might not be alive now.

• D6fer said on Mar 27, 2007....

  why do they call it menopause any way...it's not really a pause...it's more like a stop....they should have called it the period...and called the period the pause...or maybe a comma...it's a break in the action right? ..I just don't get you women! ;p

• mom said on Mar 27, 2007....

  LOL D6- I think they should have called it the screaming halt and then an exclamation point.  I don't know why they call it a pause.  I think it is a pause when a woman realizes no more monthly cycles and that really frees up her time to have sex.

• D6fer said on Mar 27, 2007....

  come to think of it....you could change the period to the exclamation point....a lot of drama takes place during the period....no actually it comes before....so lets see...we'll change PMS to exclamation point....the period will now be a comma...and menopause will be the new period....what the hell can we do with the colon and semi colon?....I had a hemorrhoid once and it felt like I had a semi in my colon....but that's another subject.

• mom said on Mar 27, 2007....

  LOL, well the colon we can have a colonoscopy.  Also a semi colon, I know what you mean.  I didn't know you were so funny D6. :)

• D6fer said on Mar 27, 2007....

  I wasn't laughing during the semi-hemi....hurt to laugh...cry...cough...sit...stand...shit...burp...lay...shout...scream...etc...etc...etc...

• mom said on Mar 27, 2007....

  Yeah those little buggers are bad.  I think we are hijacking this post

• D6fer said on Mar 27, 2007....

  oops! sorry allaround!...kinda got carried away there!

• silverwhisper said on Mar 27, 2007....

  allaroundgirl: in that case, i stick by what i said. i think this woman's a cancer in your life. with time perhaps she'll realize how horribly she treated you.
  
  ed

• MsStar39 said on Mar 27, 2007....

  Reading this makes me very sad because it brings back a lot of bad memories for me. I was raised by my grandmother and she was the same way. She would hide money or other things and when she couldn't find them my sister an I always got the blame, the bad part was when she found them the same thing, no apology.
  I made a promise to myself that I would never be like that.
  I would distance myself from pain like that.
  

• allaroundgirl said on Mar 27, 2007....

  She's not going through menopause, not yet. Is there such a thing as pre-menopause?

  I think the best thing is to keep my distance for the moment. I know she'll get over it in a few days, or when she needs something from me but she needs to realize that she can't keep doing things like that.

  Someday, maybe, I can tell her how she makes me feel. As of right now if I try she'll turn it around and make it about me. Thanks for all your support.

• mom said on Mar 27, 2007....

  Allaround- she just may be bipolar.  If she is then she needs medication but if you don't think that is a possibility then stay away from her like everyone says.  *hugs*

• silverwhisper said on Mar 27, 2007....

  allaroundgirl, i think you should consider copying down what you've written in your blog entry here and send it to her as a letter.
  
  ed

• anonymous said on Mar 27, 2007....

  allaroundgirl, I think that maybe the best thing would be for her to not have you convenient for the abuse. My own mother did something far worse than that and as much as I love her I had to decide to protect myself by staying away. It's been about 4 years and she is just now trying to pretend like it didn't happen and asking me to come see her. Every time she tries to contact me I politely tell her what the terms of our relationship will be and if she can meet them then we can talk. No luck yet for me, but at least I'm not walking through hell being around her. We all want a mother who loves us and thinks the best of us. You may still get that, but perhaps from someone else? If you mom isn't willing to make the changes that will make your relationship with her good then you have nothing to apologize for if you keep away from her.

• mobil said on Mar 27, 2007....

  This is the first time I've read your blog Allgirl, so I come in with just about
  no information.
   
  Unless your Mother is absolutely psychotic, there must be more going on
  here than you are telling.

• mom said on Mar 27, 2007....

  Mobil- I haven't read much of hers either, but i think her mothers just psychotic. 

• mobil said on Mar 27, 2007....

  Well that is too bad and she is to be pitied, maybe try to get her

  some help don't you think Mom?

• mom said on Mar 27, 2007....

  I agree, she should be on medication. I think it would make a big difference.  I don't think she can help it when she gets in those moods. Unfortunately Allaround gets to be her punching bag. 

• allaroundgirl said on Mar 27, 2007....

  mobil I wish there was more, yesterday's blow up was that simple, over a pair of sweat pants. Back when we were all living together, still in highschool, and she would get into one of her moods, my brother, sister and I would look at each other and try to laugh it off saying "mom's such a psycho". She is like this with the three of us and my dad, to everyone else she is the perfect mom, wife, daughter, friend, etc. Its like mom said I get to be her punching bag now that my brother and sister are away at college, and my dad was off at work yesterday when we fought so I took the heat.

  Yesterday I was sad, today I'm just angry at her...I won't let her get off as easy this time.

• gingersoul said on Mar 27, 2007....

  Allaround...i am so sorry to read this...{hugs}.

  I would suggest you to focus on yourself and dont listen to the words she told you..

  Those words are coming from a damaged person...dont let them damage you too...you dont know what kind of twisted experiences your mother has had...it doesnt matter....

  you cant control her and her reactions to you BUT you can control your reaction to her...you can choose between let her hurt you or not..

  Those words cut like swords, i know...but its time for you to close them in the past...act like they dont touch you.....maybe she will see stronger and will stop thsi ugly behavior...

  Think about your sanity, your life. {{{{{hugs}}}}}}

• openclose said on Mar 27, 2007....

  I am going to admit something here that is going to hurt me, but maybe it will help me too.
  I said something to my daughter back in the fall that was very wrong and very hurtful.  In hindsight it was the most awful thing I could have done to her.  It even topped the stupidity of my leaving her father. 
  At the time I said it, I had only been out of the hospital for a few weeks because I had a plan to commit suicide.  I had not been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder and I was VERY lost and hurt.  I am only telling you those things to give you a little background.  Not as an excuse for what I did.
  I said "So maybe I should just go die, no one really cares anyway and you all would be happier without me".  At the time, that is what I was thinking.  She was giving me the cold shoulder about everything.  She would look at me with this blank look on her face.  All those things would cause me to go crazy.
  I was wrong for doing that.  I was wrong in the way I was thinking.
  She disowned me right after that.  She made it publically known that I was not her mother anymore.  At that point, it hurt me that I had lost her.  But I was still not sorry for what I said.
  I was diagnosed.  I was put on meds.  I went and still am going to counseling.
  The first part of December I went to her and I apologized for saying what I did.  She apologized to me for saying what she did and for acting like she did.  We both cried.  And we are continually rebuilding our relationship.
  I feel for you.  I can only hope your mother will be able to own up to what she said and to apologize for it.

• mom said on Mar 27, 2007....

  Open- I know that was hard for you to share and that makes it even more special.  What a great story and a hopeful one.  I just hope that allaround can get her mom to do what is right before it is too late.  You knew that something wasn't right and you at least made an effort to change.  I don't know if allarounds' mom will take responsibility or not. 

• frontanack said on Mar 27, 2007....

  There are a lot of good comments here that I see. meds can be helpful. I have mine as well. Yes, she appears to be a damaged being. Yes, you can protect yourself, and thankfully, there is time to heal and hopefully that will happen for both of you. I am glad you have the strength to take your stand. Good Girl. Good Luck. :> ...and I would consider making a copy of all the comments here, and watch for a time, sometime in the future.. possibly during therapy that you might be able to share them with her... many of us have had similar experiences... and it always helps to find out you are not alone.

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