Re: Speechless: a memory from the time I was carrying the eleventh child... circa April or May of 1991. - living in Nolalu

(waiting for coffee.... first one of the day... as I write.) "Speechless" is the name I have chosen: out of many, (which I unfortunately cannot remember... ) for my memoirs or autobiography.

It was spring of 1991... I was awaiting the birth of the eleventh child... and we were in pretty constant turmoil... as a couple... the man and me... he was going to be 39.. and I was just turned 36.

We were living in our unfinished tarpaper covered little house... which we had built out of freshly milled rough lumber... one inch boards over frames in a combination of timber and full dimension 2x4's...

living with were: the ten children: ages... 14 years - down to 17 or 18 months... three boys, seven girls... and we had goats, bunnies, chickens, pigs, cats and... maybe a dog...

I had condescended.. or caved... to the husband's desire that I "be social" in the area of using marijuana- but I mostly smoked hand leaves from plants I grew myself. My third eldest child (a boy... age 11 1/2) was almost walking normally again.... the soul-sized water blister from the burn he got, when his foot went into a kettle of hot water- the day his dad hoisted him up over the woodstove - in one of his displays of aggression, authority, frustration - whatever... was almost healed.

(I guess we had not chipped the clay out from between the planks on the bare wood floor that day... and he came home before daylight faded and the lamps were lit - so - he could actually almost see...??)

I know what he was mad about... it was his anti-social wife who was making him feel embarassed in front of his new friends...

So, I had condescended to using marijuana with him and his friends - - in some small way - - I mean - I was carrying the eleventh child too... Oh - and that was a problem too- - - he had screamed at me after the tenth one was born: "DON'T HAVE ANY MORE!!"... which was rather funny - inasmuchas - he never used a condom; birth control was religiously out of the question; I never got head-aches - and could NOT lie... and he never took a day off... except maybe the first, second,third- the hardest days of the period - which happened once or twice every other year - between pregnancies and nurslings...

So, Yah - he wanted me to be more social.... and more romantic.. too.

So... the memory... he had set up a bush camp with his friends... it was on a piece of land-locked propery - about 1 mile from the nearest road... nestled atop one of the pallisaides, here outside of Thunder Bay, Ontario. (The pallisaides are sheer rock cliffs... equals: get lost/ fall off...) or something like that)... So, yeah- so, they had forged a trail through the bush... broken away a few branches - (not a very visible trail- you needed to know it well to really follow it- easy to get lost - even in full daylight.) And they had brought in a prospector's tent, a wood stove, lumber to build a platform for the tent... and had set it up to sugar off... - the maple trees that were growing there...

So.... the snow was mostly melted.... in we went .. for a romantic holiday - or whatever... ( and remember - I am 7 1/2 or 8 months pregnant...) and .. we did our thing- whatever.. and then we are on our way out - late afternoon... and buddy is walking really fast... as always - - and I am following by - - keeping sight of him through the bush - and the light is fading.. . and - he picked some sort of fight - before we left the camp - which means - he was mad (and, for the moment.. silent)- and I was crying... because - that 's the way it always went. Everything was My Fault- and I knew that... so.. I would cry. I was not raised to be a fighter... and he was king of the Canadian Debate team in Montreal... not an even match...

So then- he disappears.. in the almost darkening side of the twilight... and - I am in the middle of strange, untrackable - impenetrable bush - with the cold of night time coming..(it gets down to -20 degrees C/=-2 or - 3 F: salt water freezes ... during the spring nights up here)...not in a coat that will keep me warm enough... you know - if I curled up under a tree or something.... already emotionally distraught- too far to turn back and find the tent... and too far to find the road... and I had to BEG him to come back - and... get me out of the bush. I mean - it was the season when bears are coming out of dens; there are linxes and wolves, coyotes, moose (please don't step on me...) and deer- porcupines - martins - all milling around here and there... and...

I think he was mad cause I wasn't drinking alcohol.... and I wasn't telling him any fantasies... which he supposed I was having... sitting at home by the coffe pot whilest he was out..."working" (probably like a 'dog'--wink wink...?) all day...

you know- between weaning the infant... toilet training 2 on a bucket... carrying buckets, loading the woodstove, changing diapers (2 or 3 at a time), baking bread and cookies and cooking for 12+, running a sauna (second fire - for washing children) hanging laundry; feeding the 30 rabbits (bed and breakfast in individual cages.. which we built with hand tools,).. 24 chickens, 5 goats,3 pigs, 13 cats... and the dog?... as well as tending the every-moment needs of ten children... and 8 months pregnant... well -yah - he had lots to complain about.

So there you have it. =)