That God has this plan (I know He does) and I am wrestling with Him. Why? Why wrestle with the God of the universe. Submission and surrender. Two icky words I don't like. They are words I don't want in my potential wedding vows. Now to be unable to surrender to a man I can see, but to the God of heaven and earth. The One that knows and sees all. Why am I struggling with this?

I am preoccupied. To not address the issue of Brian is to try and ignore an elephant in the room. I want to proceed with Brian, however, I feel like God is withholding. Now, this is just silly. God has the best for me, in life, in marriage, in work and in every aspect of my life. I believe this in my head but my heart is having a hard time with it if I must admit it. The green light I felt with him is tarrying. But though it tarry, it will come. I am learning about leadership, oh not for myself because that is something that comes naturally. If we are to be truly successful (this is assuming that God has a plan for us to be together) I must learn followership. This is a made up word for me because I need to get it. How can I ever hope to be in a relationship with a man if I am trying to run things. God has given me the gifts of administration and leadership. I cherish those but if I want a happy marriage and household I must (I cannot use the word submit, I like to think of it as teamwork) let Brian come to me. I must let him play the role of the pursuer. It will lay the groundwork for everything after the fun beginning  (and oh I hope the fun beginning will begin soon!) :)

To lay down my leadership to God is difficult, but how can I do any less given that He gave me the gift in the first place? It is His and He can use it as He does or does not please.

So that I may not be completely discouraged I see that this process is maturing me in my faith. This is a time of growing. And wow, I've given Brian back to Him at least twice so far so why not do it again? And it could be that Brian was out of will by asking me out, there is still the Eric factor. I'm not sure what God has planned but I do rest in the fact that absolutely none of this relies on me. And that is fantastic. I share no responsibility in this but to wait and be patient. Although extremely difficult for me, it is not an active role (probably why it is difficult for me). Thank you God for not holding me accountable in the active role though, it is much responsibility.

I want to grow in my relationship with Him. I've have been up and down a bumpy road. To be sure, I made the road bumpy. Until Patrick (huge mistake) I had been living my life without the distraction of dating. It's what I asked for but I neglected to use that time to get to know God better. I know I will fail in this road but God knows that too and continues to see me as lovely, as His child. A child He would do anything to better.

So this is how I see Him now, bettering me. And using docility He will better me. He has started a mighty work in me and will not fail to complete it. I trust in that.

Altar of trust:
1. My job
2. Brian
3. My future
4. My desires

I am learning that I don't trust that God has the best for me. I am very shortsighted. I need a kingdom vision. I do want to hear God. He does speak to me. I need His insight and joy to make it through my days.

I have nothing to offer Him besides brokenness and failure. Ultimately He will take whatever I choose to give back to Him and I know He will make it good. I want to trust that He is not holding back from me.

I need an outpouring of:
Joy
Strength
Long-Suffering
Faith
Patience
Love

I ask Him for those things. He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I refuse to box Him in and say He cannot heal me. He is a big God, He is healing my heart, He is taking me as I am. This I believe.

His Word will not return void.

QJ