My husband and I have very different views on sex. We have been arguing about it since we first started dating about 14 years ago, but after so many years I just want to quit arguing. My husband thinks that I have some sort of problem because I could live without sex. Don't get me wrong, I get horny just as much as the next person, but I don't think about sex all the time, and I don't need to have sex to satisfy my urges.
My husband truly believes he needs sex in order to survive. I have known him for close to 25 years and in theose years I think he has maybe gone a total combined 1 year without having a girlfriend or at least a bed buddy. If he doesn't get enough sex, he leaves the woman and moves on.
When he goes without sex for just one week, his entire personality changes. He gets extremely cranky, selfish, impatient, and rude. It is so bad that even our friends can tell when it has been a week since we had sex because of his personality change.
Then he gets all needy and that is the biggest turnoff for me. Even though he has had sex with over 30 women, he still really has no clue about it. He just can't get it through his head that sex is more emotional for me and not just a physical act to get my rocks off.
I feel like I am just a tool he uses to satisfy his urges and to keep him from being so grouchy that he yells at our daughter all the time. He of course thinks I have a problem and spends all this time looking up sexual disfunction on the internet so he can prove to me that I have some sort of disease.
I have tried to tell him and show him how to treat sex as a wonderful emotional thing for us to share, but truly all he cares about is getting his rocks off. I know it is not uncommon for couples to have different sex drives, but this goes beyond it.
It is like he assoicates sex with love and when we go a week without he starts to get insecure about our relationship and how I feel about him. He wonders if I am going to leave him, or if I really love him, and he starts thinking that everything I do is suspect.
I tell him that after 14 years he should know that I love him and should know me well enough to know that I wouldn't do the things that he tends to be suspicious of. He just can't understand that this behavior is a huge turn off for me and will just end up making it harder for me to have sex with him.
I used to give in and have sex just to keep him happy but after so many years of that I had a breakdown and realized that I had to be true to myself and not allow me to be used like that. I mean there have been times that I told him I was just not into it, but if it was that important for him to get his rocks off, then he could go ahead, but don't expect me to take part. And he did it. I mean I just laid there while he went about his business.
To me, if sex is so important to you that you will have sex with basically a person who could have been asleep for all that they particiapted, then there is something wrong. Of course after my breakdown, I told him I would never do that again. It was just way too hard emotionally on me. He was actually upset about that.
Now I have only had sex with one other person besides my husband, but we had no issues. We had sex a lot, and had a load of fun doing it. It was about us sharing something wonderful. We experimented with new things and got crazy, but most of all we enjyed the time together.
My husband complains that we don't spend enough time togehter and makes a big deal about how he wants to spend more quality time with me, but really he is just wanting sex. He gets mad if we don't have sex everytime our daughter is at a friends house.
He even once told me that there are just certain days that he expects sex, and he gets pissed if he doens't get sex on those days. To make it even worse, he incuded Father's Day in that list. I mean, come on, Fathers Day is a day to celebrate with yoru children, not send them away so you can have sex with your wife.
I am a smoker and I want to quit and I just heard about this laser therapy that a couple of people we know did and they have no urge to smoke anymore. So I think it sounhds great and tell my husbnad that it is well worth the price. He comes back and says, well I heard that it could lower your sex drive so I am not sure it is the answer.
I mean, come one, quitting smoking should be more important. I told him that if it increases his sex drive I would deal with it because I think it is more important for him to quit smoking, but he would rather me remain a smoker.
Okay I know I am not explaining this all right but I just had to vent a little because we are going thorugh one of these stages again where he is driving me nuts. I mean he acts like his life is ending. It is crazy.
I'll stop complaining now, but I am sure you will hear more about this as time goes on.
Cagney posted on Mar 12, 2007
| views: 531
Comments
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beyondtheveil said on Mar 12, 2007....
cagney- I feel similar to you in your description of how you feel about sex. I thank God sex doesn't control my life, thoughts, behavior and it doesn't turn me into a Mr Hyde when it's been a little long without. It must be terrible to spend a life in yearning and demanding of someone else.I hope you can find a middle ground. -
yani said on Mar 12, 2007....
do you two talk about this thing that is going on between you two?sounds stressful.I don't know if I am in a position to say anything now, I think I'll come back later. -
vanishingspirit612002@yahoo.com said on Mar 12, 2007....
Yani, I am sorry to say but you have a real problem on your hands there.If I was guessing ( and I hope I'm not hurting your feelings) but my personal belief is that your husband is addicted to sex...your probably thinking DUH!!! but a friend of mine lived the same life as you, (you could be her..) and that's a hard life to live.They both live apart and see each other from time to time, but things got really bad with her,I wish you all the Best, and hope your life get's better for you. vanishingspirit -
vanishingspirit612002@yahoo.com said on Mar 12, 2007....
I'm sorry I ment CAGNEY..........sorrrrrrry oops!!!!! -
Cagney said on Mar 12, 2007....
beyondtheveil - We have been trying to find middle ground for 14 years. Sometimes we can find seomthing that works for a few months but then we are right back to the same situation. I love him terribly but sometimes I wonder if love is enough.
yani - we talk about this all the time. I mean communication is definately not something lacking in our relationship. the communication is what has allowed us to stay together for so long. I really want to work this out, but he is convinced that I have a problem and won't even entertain the idea that it is him, so until he admits that he might have a part in the problems, it is hard to overcome them.
vanishingspirit - You won't hurt my feelings with anything you say. I post here to get the thoughts of others even if they aren't the same as mine. I do think he is addicted, but with morals. You know, he doens't cheat on me, or get hookers or anything like that, but this need for sex is not normal.
Thank you all for your comments. It helps to know that I there are places I can vent and get some advice or atleast new thoughts on the subject.
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secretlife said on Mar 13, 2007....
i have to tell you that i don't think your problem is all that uncommon.
my husband is almost exactly like your husband.
i've been married 22 years, but remember well being at the place you are at with feeling used. but he'd be so miserable and make the kids miserable without sex, so i'd just give in. and you're right, eventually, you can't do that anymore, and you try to talk again, and for me, it was a circle....things would be ok for a while, then we'd argue again over it, and round and round.
another funny thing is i do believe my husband also equates sex with love. he literally feels unloved if i won't have sex. and i know this. he doesn't have to say it. it's not really about being addicted to sex i think. it's about being on two entirely different planes with how you feel about it. he wants release. the release makes him feel loved. you want to feel loved, but you aren't getting that from the lovemaking....
i would love to say i know how to fix this. i don't think you can fix it without counseling which my husband would never do.
you might think that if all they needed was release, that masturbating would fix that. but my husband gets angry when he has to take care of his own needs....so it's not such a simple thing....because in a way, they do believe if you have sex with them, that you love them. it's like they can't fathom the deeper meaning....
i wish i had an answer. will he go for help with you? marriage or relationship counseling?
btw, i have known others with this same problem. so you are by no means alone with it.
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Cagney said on Mar 13, 2007....
secretlife - It is so glad to learn that I am not alone in this. Our husbands do sound the same. Mine says that masturbating is not the same thing, which makes perfect sense since he believes sex=love. He doesn't admit any of this. He thinks there is nothing wrong and therfore refuses to go to therapy with me.
Of course he has no problem looking at porn everyday and he tries to convince me that the porn has nothing to do with him being so horny. In fact he says it helps to keep him from going nuts. Whatever.
He refuses to admit that he has any part in the sex trouble and totally believes that it is all on my end. He doesn't know how to be honest with himself, and he doesn't know himself well at all.
I just know that after 14 years of going through this, I am getting so tired of it. Just last night he told me to wake him up when I went to bed. He goes o sleep early, before our daughter is even in bed because he gets up so early to go to work.
Anyways, I told him I wouldn't wake him up and he got a little mad and asked why, so I told him it was bad enough that I knew I had to have sex with him just so he would stop being an asshole, but it was beyond my capabilities to actually wake him up so that I could be used.
Of course, he got pissed at me. He just doesn't get that I feel like a complete tool for him in times like this, and that it is not easy to go through with it and actually have sex just to change his personality back to normal.
I love it when we make love because we both want to share something great together, but when he gets all needy and chages personalities it is really hard to get myself to do it.
Anyways, thanks for the support and letting me know that I am not alone. If I ever figure out how to fix this, I will be sure to share the knowledge with everyone.
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VICARIOUS said on Mar 13, 2007....
Most men view sex as only getting off. They don't have the inclination to care about their partners satisfaction. I doubt he is even concerned that his wife is unfulfilled sexually. He sees it as a problem with you.Unfortunately this could end badly. You are a woman and as such need more. Your husband has validated he will never get that fact. He may seek sex else where, and you may grow curious. God help you if you meet a guy like myself. We cherish women and live to make their minds explode. I touch women on a level view guys even know exists, the sex takes care of itself.Women are sexual beings, but only when treated respectfully and correctly. You are just now seeing how poorly your husband is as a lover and of course you are not interested in sex with him.If he lived to please you, and make you fly the moment you open your eyes (when foreplay truly begins) you'd be interested. It isn't you, sweetheart. -
silverwhisper said on Mar 13, 2007....
cagney, i've seen your comments here and there around soulcast and i was curious about you.
i know i'm coming in late, but clearly since you've been together for so long, you two must have discussed this in no small measure, correct? does the conversation ever actually get anywhere, or is it more like festivus where you air your grievances and proceed to the feats of strength without resolving things?
i'm sure someone has already asked this, but have you two considered counseling? b/c i've always seen sex as one indication of the health of a relationship. ?
ed -
polarheart said on Mar 13, 2007....
Cagney, put my list on those who can relate.Fortunately, my husband is not so "bad" as yours, but he does want a very regular supply and can also get sulky when things to turn out the way he wants them to. We have had discussion upon discussion about this. We are so different. . .I want quality over quantity. . .he just sees quantity as quality.I wish I could be more for him, but it does turn me off when he starts acting needy - as you said. . .I then want to run a mile!Polar -
Cagney said on Mar 13, 2007....
Vicarious - You are right, with men it is about satisfaction. My husband thinks he tries but in order to actually try he ould have to understand which he doesn't. I tell him to just stop thinking that everything we do has to lead to sex. those few times that he has managed that, we did end up having great sex. He just can't fathom how I could not always want sex with him because all the women he slept with over the years never had any complaints. I tell him there is a big difference between because all but two of his relationships were simply about sex. Our is about more.
silverwhisper - Usually our talks to go somewhere. We come up with new ideas and ways to try and deal with this. We try out the new ideas and some work for short time, and others don't work at all. We both want to figure out a way to deal with this, we just have different ideas about what needs to be fixed. My husband refuses to go to counseling, he doesn't think there is any reason because he doesn't think that he plays any part in why things don't work.
polarheart - you said it, it is about quality over quantity and we differ on our views about that. I tried to be more for him and was pretty good at it until I completely broke down and decided I couldn't go on just being a tool he uses. He wishes I never came to that realization.
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silverwhisper said on Mar 13, 2007....
cagney, i'm very sorry to hear that's his attitude. do you two otherwise communicate well, though?
ed -
Cagney said on Mar 13, 2007....
silverwhisper - we communicate great, which is one of the biggest reasons we have been able to stay together so long. We were friends for about 10 years before we decided to get together and that friendship is the most important thing for us, so we do our best to maintain it. -
silverwhisper said on Mar 13, 2007....
i'm sorry, i colossally don't grok his attitude.
ed -
VICARIOUS said on Mar 13, 2007....
My last divorce was mainly due to how boring our sex was. I know how frustrating being out of sync can be. -
FaithfulDisciple said on Mar 13, 2007....
Cagney, may I suggest that you both see a sex therapist who can help you both deal with your sex issues. Marital relations are supposed to cement the marital bonds between couples and not put a strain to it.
While this may seem a bit demanding, husband and wife both have marital obligations toward one another. I see the problem more as a personal perception for both of you. To him, he sees it as your marital duty to provide for his sexual needs. However, to you, it has to be an emotional meaningful experience.
I'm not defending his selfish attitude of obliging you to do it with him as the sexual act with no connection makes you feel like you're just being used as a sex slave to relieve his sexual tension. In such a case, would you rather that he goes elsewhere to fulfill his sexual needs?
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Cagney said on Mar 13, 2007....
Vicarious - It is frustrating, and we hae thought abut divorce befre but we really don't want to go that way. We always swore that if the marriage started to negatively effect our friendship we would end the marriage, but so far our friendship is the strength that keeps our marriage together.
FaithfulDisciple - I have no problem going to a sex therapist, in fact I have broght that up many times. My husband refuses to go because he thinks he has no part in this. He truly believes that because he has had sex with over 30 women, that he is great at it and the sex problems we have are all because of me.
Sometimes I wish I could deal with him going somewhere else but I am just not that strong I guess because we have discussed it and even began the search for someone, but in the end I couldn't go through it.
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silverwhisper said on Mar 13, 2007....
cagney, have you already tried explaining to him that these 30 other women aren't you?
ed -
Cagney said on Mar 14, 2007....
silverwhisper - oh yea I have told him time and time again that I am not those women and our situations is different because we are in love and he wasn't in love with any of those other women. He just refuses to even entertain any notion that he has anything to do with the issues. -
mom said on Mar 14, 2007....
Cagney- I fully understand what you are talking about. For the first 8 years of marriage I felt like a piece of meat, and the fact that my husband felt that he needed it every day made me pull away further from him. Sometimes I just wanted to cuddle and he would get a hard on and I felt that our special time was ruined. Now the tables have turned and I am the one that wants it and my husband has pulled away. For men, sex is a way of showing love. For women I think it is cuddling and closeness. If a man can't satisfy us emotionally, then he won't satisfy us in bed either. Maybe he constantlly throws up his past sexcapades in your face so much that you feel you are bringing all those past women to the bedroom. It is hard for me to say why things are the way they are in your bedroom. men don't like going to a sex therapist, it would be like stopping and asking for directions. I just don't know how to help you or give you advice since my marriage isn't perfect. -
silverwhisper said on Mar 14, 2007....
cagney: is he one of those guys who thinks that all men should do it the way he sees the guys do it in porn? b/c if so...that poor bastard.
ed -
Cagney said on Mar 15, 2007....
mom - You know, we could spend every night alone together for a week, watching movies, cuddling, talking, giving each other massages, but not having sex, and he would still complain that we don't spend enough qultiy time together. Sex to him is the only way to spend quality time. I just wish he would open his mind and take some of the responsibility.
silverwhisper - No, he knows better than that, he just doesn't have any real creativity, but that really isn't my problem. I just wish sex wasn't so important to him, and I wish he could trust that I love him without having to have sex to validate that.
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silverwhisper said on Mar 15, 2007....
ugh. would it be possible to point him to this blog entry and tell him it was by someone else?
ed -
Cagney said on Mar 15, 2007....
silverwhisper - I wish I could do that but even though I have never used Cagney as a username anywhere, he knows that my all time favorite show is Cagney and Lacey and he would catch on. Boy if he knew I was talking about this online he would get so pissed. That is why I love this site and why I have not told anyone in my life that I joined it. I want to be able to be free with my posts so I can get support and advice from neutral people. -
silverwhisper said on Mar 15, 2007....
i can understand that--believe me. there are things i discuss here that i definitely don't want some folks i know to know, too. :>
ed -
bajangal7 said on Mar 15, 2007....
Wow there are so many couples with this problem. Someone needs to write a book explaning the difference between sex and intamacy in a language that men will understand. Explain that you can have and show love without sex and you can have sex without love. So many men, my husband included just do not understand that sex is not always the way to show that you love someone. But, with that said it sounds like you both want your marriage so hang in there. Keep talking and eventually you will find that middle ground or you will find out how to talk to him in a language he will understand. When my husband gets like that I turn the tables on him and demand it from him. Give him a taste of his won medicine and some where in there when I am baggering him I let him know that it does not get the response he wants and he usually gets the lesson -- for a while anyway! -
yani said on Mar 15, 2007....
all i can see is that you two are going around in circles and unless you will be able to convince him to go to councel then.................. you two will forever be complaining about each other.
goodluck :)
i hope everything will turn out right eventually.
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frontanack said on Mar 17, 2007....
OK, Cagney!!!.... first of all, try using the proper name for the kind of "love" your mister is looking for = RAPE!. Tell him, in one of your wonderful friendly conversations... that the kind of love he has given... to you and 30 others.. is rape... nothing else.
Try getting the "Unfinished Dialogue"... the "Heart Play".. by John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Do this for yourself, dear, because it will give you a massive dose of good medicine, just for you.
I can tell you that... even a John Lennon has the desires for lots of intimate times...
but it is not just the knocking off of the energy that is involved. The communication during the love-making is what it is all about.
I will tell you what I hear my friend who is a 17year pipe carrier (native-spirituality- holy woman)... and she is white, by the way... Tough Love= You (my darling husband) get to choose: go to counseling with me, or.... I will leave. period.
Get your own bedroom... so you don't have to run the risk of waking him up when you are ready to go to bed. It also underlines your point, and it will give you a chance to begin to heal... so you can think clearly. and go to counseling yourself, whether he goes or not. FOR YOU!!
Once you give him the ultimate choice, he will... choose. If he still refuses to get help... then.. hopefully you will have had a chance to clear your mind, make arrangements, and steer on out into a happier existence. You do not have to continue to suffer this way.. and I am coming from a 20 year relationship with a man who would bang for 2 minutes, then wipe and lay on his back.... and accused me... and I never had or wanted another man... and at 35, I was giving birth to my 10th child, and the word "orgasm" and the word "fore-play" were not even in my vocabulary.. as a nebulous wonder. and I got to where I prayed he would find some other woman to screw and just leave me alone. I left him. It was very hard.
But I am alive because of it. It is not worth it to go on letting him deceive himself at your expense. Hope this helps.
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